Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Week II

Malt Licker
One week in the books, this week’s slate of games is much better. We even have a pair of SEC matchups. Can Kiffin add to the excitement in Vol-town with a victory of Neuheisel? Will Spur-dog send UGA into an early hole? Can the Buckeyes trip up the Trojans and their rookie QB? The summer build-up seemed interminable, now that Football is here, time will fly. Savor the moments folks, for they are fleeting, especially those with a player named Tebow.
El Gran Mono
I suppose last week was a little wilder than most expected…at least for the games outside the SEC. While it is certainly cowardly to play I-AA squads, at least you don’t lose in the opening week (unless you are in the ACC). Further, if you schedule a service academy on opening week, then you might want to prepare for the option.

The Dawgs certainly laid an egg in Stillwater but that’s all that prevented the SEC from being prima facie dominant. League games start up this week and we will now see where the rubber meets the road. Is South Carolina for real? Does Auburn really have an offense? I can’t wait to find out.

Cuzzin Bailey
As I’m sitting here watching this junk that’s called ACC football, it reminds me how often I get on my friends of other conferences about how shitty they are and how great the SEC is…Well yes my Conference won all but one game last week, that was huge, but that one game is what is bothering me. How can I look at my friends from Big 12 country and give them that arrogant smirk I’m known for, knowing full well that UGA got their asses handed to them last week? Oh yea, WE (UF) beat Oklahoma in the BCS National Championship game last year, holding the Sooners to 14 points (over 40 points less than they averaged all year), and won our 2nd Title in 3 years, that’s how. Btw, for the record, I was concerned that my off season analysis of Georgia was mistaken and that I was going to be eating crow this week. Well, I was right, and I’m not eating crow, Go Gators.

Troy at UF (-36), 12:21
CB
Now we are getting into the games where the spreads are huge, but not enough to be “No Liners.” The Gators looked pretty decent last week in that they disposed of the high school...er... FCS school with relative ease in the second quarter. Now its time for the “big boys,” The Men of TROY!! The spread aside, I know for a fact the Gators are going to rip these Trojans like a High School nightmare. Its not gonna be close, we all know that. The real question lies in whether or not UF is 36 points better. Paper says yes, nerves say that’s a lot of points, heart says DO IT! Troy lost a very unimpressive game at Bowling Green last week with their marginal running game. They may rack up a few passing yards late in this one as they’ll be playing catch up from the time they get off the bus, but don’t expect to see too much from Troy, and very little variety from our defense, that’s fucking coming next week baby!!!

Oops, it ripped! 10
Its okay baby! 55

ML
Hey…We’re Division 1! 6
Hey…We’re Number 1! 55

EGM
Trojans from Troy 6
Gators from Gainesville 56

UCLA at Tennessee (-9), 4:00
EGM
I’m a little hesitant to say “the Vols are back” just because the hammered the Hilltoppers. There really isn’t much of a distinction between the lower tier I-A and I-AA teams and WKY might honestly be among the lower tier I-AA teams. That said, I’m sure Jon Straight out of Crompton is suddenly incredible. His decision making is flawless and Montario Hardesty is the next Travis Henry (complete with cocaine and steroid problems). However, I doubt those things are entirely true. While Kiffin is surely a fulltime douche, he isn’t a bad offensive coach and I’m sure his presence has rubbed off on Crompton (hopefully, in a mental sense only).

The reason I discuss Crompton so much is because he was positively shit against UCLA last year. The defense could only weather so many three and outs and they finally ended up breaking.

UCLA still looks pretty god awful despite the addition of some talented freshman. Neuhesial isn’t a terrible coach but I don’t see him elevating the talent level of his team. I’m betting the Bruins wilt in Knoxvegas much like their Berkeley brethren a few years ago.

Bad Bruins 13
Better Vols 27

ML
Upset UCLA 20
Lane’s Reality Check 17

CB
Soon to be on Probation 23
Soon to be Decimated 30

FIU at Alabama (-34), 7:00
ML
FIU/BAMA, I don’t know that I can imagine a greater contrast in student bodies. FIU, where 85% of the student body cannot speak English, versus Alabama, where 85% of the student body cannot read English. It’s Guayabera shirts and frosted tips vs. Houndstooth skirts and Bama bangs. I would wager that less than 100 FIU fans make the trek to Tuscaloosa, and that includes the actual team. Anyway, FIU will not face a defense like this until they play UF in November. Both Bama and UF play Troy and FIU. The Panthers actually return a bunch of starters and could make a push for a bowl this year, which the Motor City Bowl must be real excited about.

Team Immigrant 3
Team Saban 34

EGM
Panteros 3
Yellow Hammer 38

CB
We Love Riots! 10
Droppin’ the HAMMER 45

Mississippi State at Auburn (-14), 7:00
EGM
This game was pretty terrible last year and I’m predicting that nothing will change. Both teams are well below average offensively and their defenses are decent. Perhaps a battle of field goals again? Maybe not, considering Auburn has bagged the Kodi Burns experiment and gone with mildly shitty Chris Todd who doubles as an Obama worshiper on Pravda TV (i.e., MSNBC).

Its really hard to tell if Miss State is any better given they have the same offensive players and they opened up with a complete walkover. Despite the National Titles at UF, I was always a Mullen critic, given his penchant for predictableness. I will literally never forgive him for the Tim Tebow QB drawfest that was the Auburn game two years ago. Without Tebow, I can’t imagine him becoming more imaginative. Miss State might not score in the hostile confines of Jerdin Hare.

Bulldogs 2
Plainsmen 17

ML
Mississippi’s Dregs 10
Alabama’s Dregs 20

CB
The Spread-Option Only Works with Good Players 20
This Ain’t the MAC 24

South Carolina at Georgia (-7), 7:00
CB
Uggghhh-ah, this may be a rather boring game. Where am I getting this from? History man, history. Okay maybe if you are thinking tight games this may not be “boring” per se, but if you are looking for hot offensive games with lots of excitement, you may want to see if there’s a rerun of Friends you missed, (maybe the one where Ross has a chance with a hot girl and blows it!). However, if you are into junk offense, decent defense, and a lot of whining on both sides, then by all means DVR this one. Personally I would kill to see the thugtastics from USC dive into the famed “Hedges,” trashing that tradition…I have no respect they say…

We Don’t Need No Stinking Hedges 9
Joe Cox had the flu ALRIGHT!! GOSH! 17

ML
Cocks can score 10
Cox will score more….barely 14

EGM
Cocks 13
Dawgs 21

Vandy at LSU (-14.5), 7:00
ML
The Dores are coming off their first bowl victory since the Eisenhower administration and return 17 starters. They roll into Baton Rouge after shutting out the Catamounts. This roll could end quickly, as the Tigers are no doubt angry after a sloppy performance in the shadow of Mt. Rainier. Charles Scott and Brandon LaFell will need to get loose for the coonasses to cover. I’m not sold that this will happen, so I am taking the points.


EGM
Commodes 13
Tigers 31

CB
Vandie 13
LSeaux 27

Game of the Week

USC at Ohio State (+6.5)
ML
The Trojans are starting a freshman quarterback, but are still favorites on the road at the Horseshoe. I look for them to use their stable of running backs and the best O-line in the country to protect their young passer. The Buckeyes eked out a W against Navy in a game that should not have been as close. Pryor convinced Sweatervest to go for it on 4th down instead of kicking a game clinching field goal with minutes left. You know what that means? Sweatervest will go in full-fledge conservative Big 10 mode, which will play right into the hands of SC and their inexperienced defense.

Trojans 24
Buckeyes 13

EGM
Trojans from LA 27
Buckeyes 3

CB
UCSw 35
OSU 20

Kentucky – OFF
ML
Gearing up for a game against Louisville, both these football coaches must love the fact that, short of committing homicide, they’ll have a better image than their school’s basketball coach.

Ole Miss – OFF
CB
The Rebs got off to a slow start last weekend, that is, before thrashing Memphis State. I love how Memphis State changed its name to Memphis to sound less thugariffic, whatever will FSU do? Okay I have no idea if that’s why the Change was made, but I Hope! Back to Ole Miss, a dozen players came down with flu like symptoms including everyone’s favorite backup at Texas, JEVAN SNEAD! (Yes I know he beat us last year, have I thanked yall yet?) Anyways, as strange as it seems, this is a good time for a bye. Normally when you need that extra week for a team to “get healthy” you’re talking sprains, strains and automobiles…now we’re talking possible serious illnesses…what is this Mexico? Maybe if the government was in charge…ba dum CHING! I’ll be here all season, tip your waitresses.

Arkansas – OFF
EGM
Scene – (Bobby Petrino sitting at his desk with a constipated, Jonathan Papelbon look on his face. He simultaneously considers how to utilize Ryan Mallet with shitty receivers and how he can take over the Auburn job next year)