Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Week I

Cuzzin’ Bailey
So, I owned the Picks last year and I was rewarded with having the first selection to open the 2009 season! Not exactly a huge prize, but let’s just say it was like getting a moral victory along with an actual victory, whatever the fuck that means. But in all seriousness, after last year, I have nothing to complain about. The Gators won the SEC and National Titles and are totally prepared to repeat, looking for 3 in 4 years. I’m looking to repeat as the Bourbon Boy champ, and the Rays are looking to repeat as the AL Champs! Alright maybe that’s a lot to hope for, but my track record has been pretty good lately, so I hold high hopes. Anyways, I’m expecting a good clean season of picks, and some serious ass-kickings of UT, UGA, LSU…hell, all of ‘em. Let’s do it!

Malt Licker
I’d like to thank the Imperial Federal Government for moving the deadline for filing tax returns after an extension up a month to the middle of September. While work has been a living hell the last two weeks, at least there aren’t any good games until 9/19. What a list of excrement, if I weren’t starved for football, I’d watch maybe 2 of these games…

El Gran Mono
The offseason sure did fly by this year. Working non-stop to pay for socialist ideas leaves little time to contemplate the awesomeness that was college football last year. Of course, everything is more enjoyable for yours truly because the Gators were victorious. I leave it to ultra homer Cuzzin Bailey to detail the ins and outs of what a privilege it is to be a Gator fan and I’ll get down to the business of serious SEC football analysis. Sit down and buckle up because I guarantee that this season won’t be as simple as the pundits claim.

Thursday, September 03, 2009

South Carolina at NC State (-5), 7
ML
Doesn’t it seem like Spur-dog’s Cocks have opened up the college football season on Thursday night every year? I guess he figures Stephen Garcia is less likely to get tanked on Wednesday night so he won’t be hungover. I’m sure he’ll be missing 5-points as he dodges Willie Young and Nate Irving. These teams ended ’08 differently; the Pack won their last 4 and the Cock’s limped their way to 3 straight blowout losses. If SC does not come through with an upset, I will no longer pick the Ol’ Ball Coach in an upset.

Cluckers 20
Howlers 17

CB
USC 22
NCST 21

EGM
Cocks 22
Pack 21

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Kentucky at Miami (OH) (+15), 12:00
ML
The Cats vs. the Redskins….it just doesn’t get any better than this! Miami gave up 30+ points per game last year and have lost their top 4 tacklers. Rich Brooks thinks last year was bullshit, too many injuries and not enough Ws. He’ll need to accrue as many wins as he can before Conference play begins. Maybe Calipari will give him some lesson$ on “recruiting” $tud athlete$

Wildpussys 38
Midwestern meeeaaahhhhmeee ese 10

CB
UK 40
Miami (OH) 15

EGM
Soon to be basketball cheaters 31
Redskins 10

Western Kentucky at Tennessee (-30), 12:21
ML
Oooooooh Kiffy-kins!!!! Normally I’d hope for a Hilltopper to collide with your fat head on the sideline, rendering you a quadriplegic, but I’d rather the Gators break your soul on the 19th. WKU is in their second year since joining I-A, they finished 2-10 last year but have an awesome mascot. The Vols still have Jonathan “Straight Outta Crompton.” I think an AIDS-ridden Eazy E would be a more effective passer.

Red Grimace 9
Orange Douche 33

CB
Western KY 17
UT 40

EGM
Hilltoppers 3
Vols 38

Georgia at Oklahoma State (-5.5), 3:30
CB
As much as this hurts to say, I respect UGA for scheduling this opponent, the only problem is, they will be leaving Stillwater with a loss, basically killing what was going to be a marginal season anyways. I’m not saying that UGA’s defense won’t keep them in the game, but the Dawgs have nothing to speak of on offense; I would definitely not want to be in their situation after losing a coupla first rounders in Stafford and Moreno. You know come to think of it, Georgia’s defense wasn’t all that great last year. They got blown out twice, and Ga Tech (with their 1st grader offense) dropped 40+ and won. This could actually get ugly if Okie State’s upperclassmen offense is firing. Regardless, I’m sure we’re all gonna hear about how tough UGAs schedule is the rest of the fucking year, I feel sorry for us (the SEC community). I mean they can go 6-6 this year, but always rest on their poor-me-schedule laurels.

Go To Hell Georgia! 20
Cowboys 29

ML
Silver Breeches 20
Cowboys??? We’re COW MEN, We’re 40 YEARS OLD!!! 23

EGM
UGA 24
Cowboys 17

Jackson St at Mississippi State (NL), 3:30
ML
Jackson State (Hee hee!) is not even listed in Phil Steele’s football bible. Perhaps that is why Vegas can’t conger up a line versus lowly Mississippi State. Sly was bounced from Starkville so the SEC is once again racist. Did you know MSU has an all-time winning record in bowl games? Me either. They are 7-6, Dan Mullen will have to work some serious magic for that record to have any chance of changing.

Propofol-treated Tigers 2
White Bulldogs 34

CB
Jackson Stizzle 19
Mess State 31

EGM
Walter Payton U 3
Miss State 22

Charleston Southern at UF (NL), 7
CB
I’ll get to the schedule in a minute, let me first just say that its an honor to be the first Bourbon Boy to comment on the Gators this year. There are some insanely high hopes in the “Gator Nation” with good cause. I guess we’re missing 2 playmakers, but we retained, lets see, the 2007 Heisman Trophy and all around stud Tim Tebow, and OUR ENTIRE DEFENSE. With a crazy defense like that, games could be in the bag by half time. And I’m not just talking about this one. But speaking of this game, its clearly a joke, but what do you want from us? We’re the only team in the league whose main rival is a team that is perennially GOOD. Georgia HAS to load up their schedule, because their two decent rivals are in the Conference and Georgia Tech is generally not great. Also, another reason is, screw off! Go Gators!

Charleston Southern 0
UF 69

ML
We sent hot chicks to Key West Spring Break 99! 0
None of the Bourbon Boys banged them 59

EGM
Not College of Charleston 0
Repeat Nat’l Champs 63

Louisiana Tech at Auburn (-13), 7
EGM
The Plainsmen had a pretty rough year in '08. Losing TT and keeping Kodi Burns won't make '09 any better. I used to think Brandon Cox sucked but then I saw what was behind him. Is it possible to be that bad at the QB position and still maintain I-A status?

The Chizik hire won't turn things around. In fact, this looks exactly like the “fire Cutcliffe, hire Orgeron move.” Does that mean Auburn will be hiring Bobby Petrino in 3 years?

The Plainsmen are surrounded by questions and have very few answers. However, I'm sure they'll have the answer for the Lady Techsters, but not by 13.

La Tech 10
Tigers 21

CB
LA Tech 20
Auburn 34

ML
Louisiana WAC 14
Plainsmen 23

Missouri State at Arkansas (NL), 7
EGM
I fully expect Bobby Petrino to show off his offensive prowess in this game. The Hawgs replace tenth year starter Casey Dick with Ryan Mallet. To rate that upgrade is to do injustice to the term "infinitely better." The Mallet/Michael Smith combination in the backfield will prove one of the nation's best by season's end.

I refuse to analyze Mizzou State.

No Name 6
Hawgs 52

CB
Mizzou St 4
Arkansas 54

ML
Bears 10
Petrino’s Porkers 41

Western Carolina at Vanderbilt (NL), 7
CB
The fact that this game has no line, says things about both teams. 1) Vandy is on its way “up,” I suppose; and 2) Western Carolina must suck worse than most directional schools. Its great that as improved and “good” as Vandy was last year, but they’re still a very average team. I think Vandy will be treating this as an audition for their new starting QB and get some quality playing time as they easily dispose of the Catamounts and turn their attention to LSU next week.

Weastern Carolina 17
Vandahbelt 40

ML
Check out the Catamount Prof on http://www.wcu.edu/ 6
Robber Barons 41

EGM
Catamounts 6
Vanderbilt 28

Alabama at Virginia Tech (+6.5), 8
EGM
One of the two "Games of the Week" in the SEC. I'll likely be watching this game in tandem with the Gator beatdown of Charleston Nalthern. Sadly, I don't expect either game to be much of contest.

Va Tech has no ability to pass and will attempt to run the ball down Bama's throat. Bama's stud front 7 will not allow that to happen. The loss of Rashad Johnson will definitely show itself against teams with a modicum of passing ability but Tyrod Taylor is not much of a thrower and will certainly fail to exploit this weakness.

I expect Bama's young offensive line to be shaky for awhile against Va Tech's defensive line but eventually their defense will wear down after the three and outs keep piling up. Mark Ingram will easily run through a weakened defense and provide playaction opportunities for Julio Jones and krew. To say the least, things will get ugly in the second half. Think along the lines of LSU-Va Tech a few years ago....

Castrated Turkeys 6
Bamer 31

CB
Yellow Hammer 25
Alumni Uses Hammers on Dogs 16

ML
Saban’s Smirk 21
Beamer’s Bells 17

LSU at Washington (+17.5), 10:30
CB
Another SEC team traveling out West to prove they aren’t a total group of pussies. Too bad the Tigers picked one of the worst “good” teams out there. By that I mean I understand this is not like they are traveling to Moscow, Idaho to humiliate the home team Vandals, they are going to a historically alright PAC-10 team. But still the Huskies are incredibly terrible. But then again, theoretically, how was LSU supposed to know that Washington was going to be this bad when they signed on for this series? Anyways, that’s enough excuses, in regards to the actual game at hand, LSU was kind of a mirage last year. They were coming off a National Championship season, and up until UF decimated them, they were a “favorite” or at least a contender for the title game. Even after struggling against Miss St and beating a below average Auburn team…come to think of it, they were maintaining their high ranking last year simply because of the preseason polls, in fact, they lost 5 of their last 9. They sucked. Sure they’ll be better this year, with some starts under their QBs’ belts, and an always threatening defense. Washington lost every game last year. They do not deserve my comments.

Geaux Eff Yourself 35
Wash of the Stench 15

ML
LeSU 30
Call Tyrone 10

EGM
Reauxd Tigers 45
Suicidal in Seattle 10

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Ole Miss at Memphis (+16.5), 3:30
EGM
Its been a long time since there were expectations at Ole Miss. Certainly it was before I was football conscious and that was a long time ago.

Jevan Snead will be one of the better QBs in the country but he may struggle with the loss of a few offensive pieces from last year. With Nutt at the helm, I'm sure the "Wild Rebel" will still be in full effect with Largo High’s finest, Dexter McCluster, taking most of the snaps in those situations. It will be interesting to see how Nutt strikes a balance between the Wild Rebel and the Snead pro style formations.

On defense, the Rebs will be fairly average by SEC standards and will give up some points to better offenses. That will likely be their demise against the likes of Bama, Arkansas and other good SEC offenses. I'm not drinking the Kool Aid. Ole Miss looks like a two loss team at best.

One of those losses will not be to lowly Memphis.

Basketball cheaters 13
Overrated Rebs 38

CB
No Longer Content with Just Winning Tailgate Parties 50
Memphrica 20

ML
Nutters 34
Memphrica State 19