Friday, October 14, 2011

Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC 2011 - Week VII

Cuzzin Bailey
Another game, another loss. Eh, what are you gonna do? I could go on and on about how these aren’t Muschamp’s ideal players, how they are smaller (and fast yes, I get it) than he prefers, but I’m not going to waste your time. All I know is its dumb luck coincidence that we played the No. 2 team and then the No. 1 team two weeks in a row, so I’m not giving any credence to that “worst back to back losses” in a while or whatever talk. We are NOT in the same class as LSU and Bama at the moment and would probably finished 4th in SEC West, same potential result as last year. Teams go through this…step back from the ledge my friend, I have faith Muschamp will figure this out. One more thing, until his coaches start coaching the way he wants, and his players start playing his way, I have NO problem with him giving them the business even if it is on national television. People who are criticizing Coach Boom this early are either trying to sell something, or were never going to give him a chance from the beginning. This week we are playing yet another SEC team that our HC has a connection to, joy. Auburn is the scum of the SEC it would be nice to silence that hell hole known as Jordan-Hare Stadium. After last week’s game, I am going to get away from the computer during the games as some of my outbursts were criticized by fellow tweeters; drama I was hoping avoid by boycotting Facebook, but alas it follows you everywhere…anyways, if you want to read lucent, well thought out tweets, follow someone else.

El Gran Mono
I’d love to be positive about last week but I’m still pretty pissed off. Getting juked by Jarrett Lee will do that to you. However, don’t misunderstand my anger, its not losing to the #1 team that pisses me off. Rather, the anger stems from the manner of losing and the confusion that is apparent among players and coaches. The new coach smell has worn off Mssrs. Muschamp and Weis. I mistakenly gave them the benefit of the doubt. Now, its time for them to earn my trust. There is no better place for that to start happening than Jerden-Hare. Let’s light this firecracker. (I would have discussed other good games this week but there aren’t any)

Brew of the week: Oskar Blues – Mama’s Little Yella Pils (Sorry bourgeois readers, its only available in a can)

Malt Licker
Those of you who are fans of South Park can sympathize with the way I felt last weekend. Watching the Gators get destroyed by Les Miles and an Australian punter turned me into cynical Stan. Everything I saw was shit. Our O Line was shit. Our D Line was shit. Our play-calling was shit. Our tackling was shit. The way Coach Boom (or is it Coach Durp?) stomped and scowled was shit. The way his stupid hair fluttered in the Louisiana breeze was shit. The use of various iterations of the “wildcat” was shit. Our refusal to give the ball to Mike Gilleslee until trailing by 30 is shit. Our inability to play “Kick return safe” on every special teams play by the Mad Hatter was shit. Even Chuck Weis’ normally statuesque physique was shit.

Contrary to the South Park season premiere, the purported cure of cynicism (copious amounts of Jameson) did not work for me. I tried to drink the shit away, only to see it become smellier and more disgusting Stephen Garcia’s liver. As an aside, I spoke with a friend who knows Garcia’s older brother, who is a Harvard grad, and according to legend, Garcia actually failed a class called “Wine Tasting” at USC. When asked why he said, “what does it matter? I’m going to the NFL.” Even that awesome anecdote could not get the shit out of my eyes. Those of you who are Bucs fans, only saw the shit stack higher and deeper on Sunday. When does basketball season start? You are now witnessing the birth of Ultra Negative Malt Licker. If I recommended or brewed a beer of the week, it would be called Ultra Negative IPA. On to this shitty slate of games.

This post is not recommended for children or those with a conscience.


South Carolina at Mississippi State (+2.5)
The first of a full docket of home dawgs. Both teams need this game badly to salvage a modicum of success after having high expectations. Professional rounder Stephen Garcia will not be participating in this game or any game in the future because he just can’t resist a brew during the week. Thus, Connor Shaw will be guiding the offense from here on out (or until Spurdog finds a walk on of his liking). Despite limited playing time Shaw would easily start for Miss State and that is the difference in the game. Chris Relf is bad and just bad enough to lose this game. I expect lots of running and very little scoring.

Cocks 17
Miss State 16

Cocksuckers 23
Shiteaters 21

Cocks 23
Dicks 13


LSU at Tennessee (+16)
I just can’t believe the line is this low. The Vols were struggling against a very average UGA defense last week and they still had Tyler Bray in the lineup at the time. LSU seems to be hitting on all cylinders with Jarrett Lee having few hard throws to make. That’s exactly the way Miles likes it and judging by the way other teams have lit up the Vols (See Florida) I think this will be ugly early. I’m so glad that CBS picked up this game because now I don’t have to listen to Verne and Gary gloat about whatever team they bonded with during the week. I’m sure “Jarrett” will be their best friend this week too.

Tigers 38
Vols 10

Coonass inbred backward Cajun fucks 40
Squirrel eating inbred backward mountain fucks 10

Tigres 30
Tennesseans 0


Alabama at Ole Miss (+25.5)
Ohhh look its Alabama!!!! They are so devastatingly amazing that they should form their own conference. It will be called the Awesome Conference and no other teams will be allowed. They can win their conference championship every year and shake their stupid pom poms like the easily amused morons they are. They would have intra-squad scrimmage games that would command $100 a minute on pay-per-view. Alabamaamamaians just discovered this thing called cable, and they can’t wait to spend their confederate dollars on something other than tornado early-warning systems. That’s right, I went there, and will continue to go there until the Gators beat a ranked opponent. As for Ole Miss, well, they are a joke without a punch line. There only saving grace is……nothing. Even the Grove everyone speaks so highly of is overrated. Take your faux-genteel disheveled haircuts and sundresses and shove them up your ass.

Crimson tornados 50
RedNex 10

Bama 41
Ole Miss 6

Bamer 41
Ole Miss 0


Florida at Auburn (+2)
Some of you have been reading us for years and so what I’m about to say won’t come as a huge shock so I will keep it brief. To all those Gators fans traveling to Auburn this weekend, prepare yourself for, among other things, faux humility. You know, when a hick from the plains saunters up to you and says, “hey bro, don’t beat us too bad!” I hate that shit. Look, Auburn’s QB situation ain’t looking great and their defense, while improved is still bad. Their running back is a badass and that may just be the key for this game. UF will be starting Jacoby Brissett for the second weekend and while that scares me, our Defense is much more frightening. For some crazy reason we are favored in this game, and that means that Auburn might be worse that I suspect….let’s hope for that.

Scumbags from the Plains 20

Gators 24
Auburn 27

The University of we’ll never be relevant in football again 9
War Eagle Plainsman Tigers Dead Tree pick a mascot U 31

Georgia at Vanderbilt (+11)
Incredibly enough, all games here this week feature home underdogs. Less surprisingly, Vandy is one of the homedogs. All I know is, Georgia is gonna be the first SEC team to sweep the state of Tennessee and Mississippi….haha naw, I can’t even make up that stat. I mean sure, I have the capabilities, but I just don’t care. (apathy is contagious here) UGA needs to win shitty games like this to be sure they walk into the SECCG in December. UGA plays UF and then Auburn which they can totally win, while the Cocks are absolutely going to lose to Arkansas later in the year. That’s why games like this are so important…haha why am I trying to sell this game, I don’t work for espn. Pick who ever you want damnit…

Jawga 30
Van Der Bilt 17

UGA 28
Vandy 7

No matter how bad the Gators are, we’ll be worse 24
Vanderdorknerddweebspazwasteoftime 3.14

Kentucky – BYE week - Big deal

Arkansas – BYE week - Who cares

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