Cuzzin’ Bailey
Quite the unimpressive showing by the offense last week…how bizarre it felt having the homecoming game that early in the year … I promise this whole thing won’t sound like the beginning of a haiku… anyways, this week the Gators are taking on LSU. We had a huge crew going to the game this year, but thanks to natural disasters and cities surrounded by levees, the trip is off… I know that I have no real right to complain since my biggest inconvenience from Katrina was missing a football game … I am such a shithead for even complaining … anyways, this week has one good game, three shitty SEC games, and two cracktastic ACC matchups… does anyone actually think that UVA is going to win this week? … I thought they were a lot smarter than that….
Malt Licker
What a huge weekend throughout college football.
This flabby four-eyed freak says that the only chance ND has to win over SC is if SC “misses the bus” to the game. So what you are saying Mark, is that the 9th ranked team in the land playing at home and representing a school which has a history of ending huge streaks (see UCLA Hoops – 88 games, Oklahoma Football – 47 games, even women’s soccer ended a streak of 9 straight National Titles for North Carolina and their pedophile head coach) has ZERO chance to beat a USC team that only beat Stanford by 3 points last year, and has had to come back from behind several times to beat teams in the mighty PAC-10. So right…no chance Mark. In fact, you loyal Bourbon Boys readers get an extra pick out of the Malt Licker, that’s right; the Fighting Irish will make my dad happy with a stunning defeat over the Trojans. Pete Carroll sucked in the NFL, and Charlie Weis pimped it. The coaching advantage and some fortunate bounces will give the Irish a 41-35 victory.
The Gators face their second tough SEC road test, hopefully we wont flunk it like Cuzzin’ Bailey in Spanish class.
El Gran Mono
After having a week that could break the balls off a brass monkey I offer a very succinct analysis of this weeks games.
CB
Ramma Jamma .. something or other 34
O’le Piss 0
ML
The Cryppled Savior looked downright messianic against my beloved Gators, earning an SI cover. They have most likely avoided the jinx because they were off this past weekend, and now face racially ambiguous Ed Orgeron and the pathetic Rebs. The only way I see Ole Piss having a chance is if they fine a clone of Brodie amongst their thousands of long-haired hippie freaks, kidnap the Crypple, and replace him with the clone.
Another name for Menstruation 27
Attack of the Clones 13
EGM
Ole Miss totally sucks. It doesn’t matter whether they are at home or on the road. I can see some really terrible hair tips being exchanged during halftime.
Bad Hair 41
THE WORST HAIR 3
CB
While Awwburn is nothing compared to what they were last year, still this will probably turn into a pig-roast by mid 2nd quarter. The Razorbacks got fired up last week and trounced Louisiana Monroe, while the Tigers used their bye week to get the stench of Cock out of their southern hair (wow that sounded much more gross than I intended) … I’ll bet dropping a 40+ bomb on Spur-dawg must have felt great...and with that victory under their belt passed the Tigers, I don’t think the Kansas wannabe’s have it in them this week…
Awbun 27
We’re just like
ML
I’m curious as to the derivation of the Riverboat Gambler’s surname. Is it Irish? If so, that would make sense, after all he could just as easily be called Taterville. However, that doesn’t quite have the same ring to it, unless of course you live in
Wow, an actual road game 27
Nuttin’ all over ourselves 13
EGM
Awwwwwwwwwbun has been on a roll lately playing against the smeck of the NCAA. Facing off against
Pork sammich 13
Teatotaling fuckboys 29
CB
I was going to mention this completely irrelevant episode of national geographic just now, but forget it. I’ll bet a Gator could take a Tiger down in the animal kingdom… but this isn’t the wild, although it would certainly appear that way if you have ever been to
LSU 10
ML
Big test #2 for the Urbanator. How will the Gators fare? Not well I predict. We still have an awful offensive line, a Quarterback who is not particularly mobile and can’t handle being hit. Oh yea, we only have 3 healthy WRs, too. Unless Urban decides that Kestahn Moore does indeed suck, and tries to get more touches for Markus Manson, our offense will look nothing more than pedestrian. If our defense doesn’t play a whale of a came, it could get ugly. However, JarJar and Les Miles are dumber than dirt, so we have a fighting chance. I just think LSU has too much up front on defense.
Fightin’ Gators 13
Bleauxin’ Tigers 19
EGM
The Gator offense looks completely pitiful. I know Chris Leak is hurt, I know DeShawn Wynn is hurt. None of that matters to me, I want to see something normal. Not Bo Shemebechler run all the time or 5 wide all the time. I still like Urban the coach, but I hate Urban the offensive mind. LSU is not as good as their ranking but when you are facing a team that struggles to get 10 first downs a game you really don’t need a whole lot. Miles will neglect Addai for JarJar downfield passing and that’s the only thing keeping this game close.
Stale Gators 8
Zook Jr’s Revenge 13
CB
UGA couldn’t have gotten Vandie at a better time… they are probably questioning themselves right now after starting off so well and then just going in the tank the past few weeks. But I must say this, I am pretty impressed that Vandee elected to play UGA for their own homecoming … it shows balls, and we all know what Tony Montana says, “All I have in this world is my word, and my BALLS.” The Dore’s certainly have stoners, and are probably pretty honest too ... whatever the hell that means. This is going to be a ‘Dawg faced rout. Vandy just can’t keep up with the Shocker, and even the 1600 people in the stands (900 wearing red) won’t even be able to drum up any courage for the fighting Admirals or what have you …
Honey, would you mind picking up my pressed chinos? 41
Honey, would you mind polishing my Noble Prize? 21
ML
Flowers saved the Shocker with his 4th quarter punt return. Although the Shocker looked impressive, it is a dangerous weapon that can cause much harm if used incorrectly. For instance, the Shocker should never be involved in a down, whether it’s a pass pattern or porn reject. Fortunately for “The Balding Prick,” it would take an unconscionably grave misuse of the Shocker to fall to the lowly Dores.
Looking ahead to Jax 32
Soon looking below .500 10
EGM
Vandy came back to reality the last two games and now UGA is ready to give them a Cuzzin’ Bailey sized Shocker.
Anal loving dawgs 44
No chance of a bowl game 9
CB
ML
The Cocks get a week off for Spurdog to enjoy his first SEC victory of the year, and gameplan against mighty Vandy in his pursuit of #2. The sad thing is, they probably need it.
EGM
Spurdawg finally cranked up the offense last week. Unfortunately, its was against a team that the Gators laid 49 on.
CB
Just another excuse for the kids from Lexington to sit down in front of the TV with 10 of their friends and a six pack… ahh ... nothing like sobriety …. Losers… their chics are hot though…
ML
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
EGM
The Rich Brooks rebuilding process continues…
CB
Lost Jason Allen, that doesn’t bode well for the late season match up with the Luckiest Team in the world from
ML
Phat Phil is glad he can go through a Saturday of rib eating uninterrupted by 4 hours of football
EGM
Why not give the ball to Gerald Riggs?
CB
If I could get on my Yahoo! Account, I could talk more shit to these jackasses from Stark-vegas…. God they are such losers.
ML
Black Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
EGM
Sly Croom may be a good coach but his team fucking sucks. He is also black according to the latest report from ESPN.
CB
Oh it’s the big game huh? Why didn’t someone tell me? Jeee-zus….this is atrocious…I am going to propose a motion that we should never have to talk about Temple games…The only thing I could possibly be looking forward to would be if Temples Coach pulls a Cheney (basketball Coach) move and sends in an “Enforcer” …what was that hockey? … Anyways, they could go after someone’s knee and I’m sure it wouldn’t matter… these Canes players are so jacked up on the powder they probably can’t feel anything … Now since I have never dabbled in the “white-arts” … my only frame of reference is from Predator 2 when that dude grabs a fist full of Snow and throws it in his face and goes psycho … sounds pretty intense to me … I wouldn’t want to mess around with any cokeheads….
Cocaina beyotch 56
Tiizzemple yo 13
ML
The Canes go to Philly for a supreme cupcake matchup v. pathetic
Kilo Krewe 45
Happy Yom Kippur 2
EGM
5 Nat’l Championships and playing douchebags on the road 32
Bill Cosby rules 3
CB
Well as I was saying about unethically taking out someone’s knee ... That Cavalier player really surprised me last week. The douchebag couldn’t wait a week to act like a total crackhead going after the last rock. Purposefully trying to injure another player is something I will not tolerate Gator players doing, but shit, if some goon from another team wants to go all Darnell Docket on an FSU player, then I just might buy that guy a hooker … Unfortunately all the injuries in the world won’t help UVA in this game … it would be too perfect for them to knock off the Noles, with so much riding on the game … after this FSU has the likes of Puke, Maryland, and NC State … to clinch their division … Go Wahoos, but I don’t think my secondary support will be enough …
Touch Our Knees and I’ll Scalp You 30
Classy Cavs 13
ML
FSU hasn’t lost to the wahoos since that glorious night in 1995 when Warrick Dunn was stopped short of the goal line. Where the hell did the term Wahoo come from? I consulted Google! for an answer, but came up empty, which marks the first time in modern history that Google! hasn’t answered a question of mine. However, I don’t need Google! to figure out that Fagg, Carr and Weatherford will be not quite shitty enough for the Cavs to win.
I Googled! Bowden and it sent me to www.howtopretendtobeafolksygrandfatherlyrednecktogetthemediaonyoursidesotheyignoreyourrenegadeprogram.com 27
Wahoo, not yahoo!!!!!!!! 17
EGM
FSU has thugs who like to run fast and decapitate people. UVA has a QB who couldn’t add 1 + 1. Hide the women and children folks.
Crime spree in
Math wizards 10
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2005 Records:
Standings W L %
Cuzzin Bailey 44 10 81
El Gran Mono 42 12 78
Malt Licker 41 13 76
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