Saturday, October 22, 2005

Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Week VIII

Malt Licker

Well another hurricane is bearing down on Florida, and people are freaking out yet again. We just need a giant Fred Flintstone to stand in the gulf and beat down old Wilma. This weekend of College football has a tough act to follow, although I doubt heartbroken fans in South Bend, State College, and Gainesville will agree. These picks will show the Malt Licker at his most pessimistic and cynical

El Gran Mono

I begin by apologizing to all of our faithful readers for my lateness in producing the Bourbon Boys. Good thing my two companions produce such quality material to make up for my assclownish behavior. Another summary Bourbon Boys from yours truly…

Cuzzin’ Bailey

Well I’ll be honest with you, this isn’t the most inspired I have ever been. Two losses and one to a jackass team that turned the ball over 5 times. How does that happen? LSU is a damn joke. Any decent team with a grasp of their offense would have no trouble beating them. Here I was just a few weeks ago ripping on Danny Ainge’s moron nephew for his loserific performance, and I now I have no room to talk. For the record I am not bailing on my team or even on Urban by any stretch of the imagination. I am merely stating that I have zero faith in them winning in two weeks against f-ing Georgia. It really hurts to say that and so with a heavy heart, I bring you a depressing, “someone just ran over my dog,” negative episode of Cuzzin Bailey’s Bourbon Boy picks…..oh yea on a good note, Cuzzin Bailey’s sister got engaged this weekend, Awesome huh!!! But back to being solemn … here you go folks …whatever…

Arkansas at Georgia


I don’t get why all these clowns are predicting a huge upset for the Hawgs. Well Whoopy-Whoop, they are 6th in the nation in rushing!!!! You would be too if you had an idiot playing QB, oh wait, the gators have an idiot playing QB and we aren’t 6th in the nation. Jawja had a snoozer against Vandy. Will the Shocker bust this Nutt? Most definitely.

Arkies 13

UGAs 28


Arkansas could be the worst team in the SEC. Georgia could be the best team. The funny thing is that UGA fans are still nervous about next week despite the general crappiness of the UF offense.

Houston Nutt is flaming out like Wes Clark 10

The perfect crease in the khakis = Victory 35


I was planning on talking about how if UGA loses 2 of its remaining 4 SEC games, and the Gators hand them one of the Ls, then UF would probably go to the SEC Champ. Game, but then I realized I was fucking dreaming … Arkansas couldn’t win a game of tittley winks against a kid with no thumbs … (depressing huh?) DJ Mix Magic Shockley probably has a homecoming sized shocker in mind for this game. If the Stoner students can get up for this one, they’ll probably see some sick display of kicking ass….

Where’d that kid with no thumbs go? 10

Put the bong down Billy-Bob…. 45

Kentucky at Ole Miss


The two colleges east not named USC that are most loaded with the most hot blondes meet in a classic showdown. Unfortunately, said hot blondes are probably of comparable football talent of the players that will be on the field in Oxford.

Bluegrass Blondes 13

Magnolia Blondes 31


This game is terrible but at least Ole Miss plays defense.

Wish we still had Hal Mumme 9

Wish we still had David Cutcliffe 21


Ole Miss is probably feeling as shitty about last weekend as I do. They were playing with probably the second best team in the conference all the way to the end and then the Gods of those who hate Billy decided that was enough and allowed Bama to win the game after another one of their decent receivers went down. Kentucky, while having hot girls, really isn’t playing to the expectations of the fans ... wait, I’m sorry I was thinking about basketball … I feel like a real Wildcat fan … win or lose, both teams will wake up the next day realizing that they are having shitty seasons and you know what, they probably wont give a shit…so neither do I.

How does Ole Miss’ starting five look? 17

I can’t see, my southern hair is getting in the way 20

Houston at Mississippi State


Is this MSU’s homecoming matchup? I guess Maine was already booked. In a blatant racist policy, the SEC is limiting the number of chains that MSU football players can wear around their necks.

Where’s David Klingler? 20

Andre Ware was black…just like Sly Croom 27


Another solid non-conference opponent for the Dawgs. However, unlike Tulane, Houston was not hit by a hurricane and will not be emotionally bankrupt. Maybe they will put this game on ESPN 9 so that Andre Ware can analyze his alma mater in between cleaning out the trash cans inside the stadium.

Cougars, bitch! 28

Maybe we should castrate a pig? 17


This is pathetic…I can’t believe Miss State is playing this crackhead team that hasn’t been good since the likes of Andre Ware blessed their football field. Believe me, the city of Houston probably doesn’t even know that this game is going on cause they are probably all psyched up about the World Series… and another thing, I am sick and tired of this bullshit message board I am on … the loser fans of Miss State don’t realize what nerds they are and its getting sad….their obsession with Gator fans only wearing Jorts is insane…oh on an unrelated note, if I ever see a UF fan wearing JORTS, I will hurt him…

Uh..Astros?? 12

Whats wrong with jorts? 27

Tennessee at Alabama


Which Alabama team is the real team? The team that smashed the Gators or the team that eked out a W against Ole Piss? Although, if you think about it, with the way the Gators have been playing it might be the same team. I don’t know who I hate more, Brodie Crypple or Phat Phil. One is a Beatles wannabe, and the other is a manatee wannabe. I’m really sick of the Manatee. I wish it would go extinct already. If I were governor I’d eliminate the idea of a “No Wake Zone.” I’d also allow the murders of Brodie and Phil. Don’t worry Bama fans, he’ll rise from the dead.

Orange Sea Cows 19

Dreams Shattered 12


After watching Bama almost lose to Ole Piss last week I realized two things. Bama is not that good on offense and UF is not that good period. Prothro was all that Bama had going for it. UT may have gotten rolled by Georgia but the score was much closer than it looked. I’m taking the Vols in this one because believe it or not…Fulmer is a better coach than Shula.

Gerald Riggs & Co 22

Enjoy that crow Bama fan 13


Fatass Phil Fulmer has to travel to the land of Bama-style luck. The Crimzin Tide, coming off yet another game that proves they have sold their souls to the devil, will be looking to make Phatty pay for selling them out to the NCAA. If I was hearing this correctly, it seems that Fulmer has been avoiding the state of Aler-bamer for sometime in fear of being served to testify in a lawsuit … I guess this will take care of that…This game really has no bearing on anything for me…If ramma jamma wins, then it’ll really help their chances of appearing in the SEC championship game…if Tennessee wins, well pretty much that means nothing … they already have 2 SEC losses and that means they would need UGA to completely implode and lose 3 games and hope the Gators aren’t one of those losses…I think UT has pretty much cashed in their season (as they should) and most likely Bamer’s defense will make Rick Clowson look as confused as his barber…

What am I supposed to cut here kid? 17

Cut Prothro’s Life Support, they wont need to wake him 23

Vanderbilt at South Carolina


Who the fuck cares?

Vandy 21

Cizzocks 23


Vandy just doesn’t have what it takes to take out the Spurdog.

Cutler looks like 3rd team SEC these days 18

Cockwalking all over your steamboat 41


SPUUUUUUUUUR-DAWWG, you gearing up for SEC win numero dos?? I hope this is one of those games that Vandy actually decides to show up for. (Sorry for ending that sentence with a preposition). Anyways, Vandie probably feels like someone walked over their grave(s) after losing 3 straight games and basically being exposed for the frauds they are. Carolina had a bye week to get over trouncing the Mildcats two weeks ago, so I’ll bet they’ll be fired up to try it again….

Get off my GRAVE! 16

Aerial Cocks 27

Auburn at LSU


I hope the Bayou Bengals aren’t too excited over their turnover-laden victory over the anemic Gators. The UF Defense really let us down. I mean, do they expect our offense to score if they can’t get turnovers inside the opposing teams 5 yard line? Seriously, you expect Chris to be able to lead a scoring drive where we need to get a first down? This is another one of those games where teams should play for the rights to the mascot. However, there wouldn’t be as much at stake for Auburn, since they have 2 in reserve. If they lost 3 in a row they’d have to pick another one, I suggest the name of those temperance/women’s suffrage bitches from the 1920s.

Elizabeth Cady Stantons 24

Cajun Crawdad Chugging Scumbags 14


This is a tough game to pick. The Plainsmen have been kicking ass against the dregs of the NCAA and LSU has been playing some serious teams. However, LSU is not as good at home as everyone thinks and JarJar is a turnover machine. Those two factors will allow a less talented, temperance obsessing Plainsmen team to come out of the shithole otherwise known as Red Stick with a victory.

Already lost to one cracktastic QB 22

Unfortunately our QB is even more cracktastic 13


This game may, in fact, be a cool game to watch, lord knows its important. The Race for the West is still very, very close…. With both of these teams playing Bamer at or near the end of the season, what happens on Sunday will most likely dictate which team will actually be playing the Tide for a chance to go to Hot-lanta….Now I don’t want to go out on too far of a limb here, but I would be willing to bet my life that the Tigers are going to win…(I know I have used that joke for three years, but does it really get old?). Man I hope this is a night game… that would be so pimp tight…While I can’t believe that we lost to those 5 turnover assholes last week, I have a feeling that if LSU is fired up enough, and if Auburn plays as shitty as they can, the Cajuns just might have a better than average chance….but still, I can’t believe that Tommey Tubberville’s offense is as cracktastic as the Gators’ right now….I predict some heavy wagering by the River Boat Gambler this weekend, after all, this could be their season on the line…

Double Down 23

We gonna drink until we blind, I guurrannteee 21

Florida – OFF


I have a weird power, after the Bucs started 4-1 despite the pathetic play of Brian Griese, I opined that an injury wouldn’t be such a bad thing. First half of next game, done for the season with torn up knee. Do I dare wish for such misfortune for the gutless moron under center for the Gators? Or for our offensive coordinator to come up with some real plays? Nah, that would be out of line, wouldn’t it?


I bet Meyer has the entire offensive staff looking in the bottom of cereal boxes for a new offense that resembles his own.


So I’m going camping this weekend….I will be searching for the Gators offense….I hope its not like Bigfoot, and that all it is, is some fat old guy dressed up in a gorilla suit….what the fuck am I talking about?

FSU at Duke


A nice cure for the loss to the wahoos, as Bobby’s convicts take on the pussies from Puke. I would like to see the Devils invite Coach K to stand on the sideline and then see Leon Washington barrel into him after a run out of bounds. Dare to dream.

FSU 51

Puke 5


Duke sucks and so does Drew Weatherford. When FSU fans get a look at Xavier Lee in this game they will realize where their future could be if Bobby Bowden and his idiotic son weren’t complete morons.

Not so cavalier anymore 49



PUUUUUUUUKE!!!! That is awesome … I wonder if their big cheer is just a loud disgusting retching sound… that would be great! This is certainly one of those games that the Noles need after getting brutalized in Charlottesville last weekend…gosh I wish I had watched that game .. I would love to have seen Bobby Bowden giving one of those lost geriatric looks like he did after Wide Right II. “Hey, what just happened?! Have you seen my soup?” “Don’t worry Bobby, we’ll get you another soup,” says the orderly, but we all know it’s really the same soup ... just in a different bowl, poor old guy. Wow…that was bizarre…anyways, this game is garbage…

Pullin’ a Harry Carey 60

Baaaaarf 7

Georgia Tech at Miami - CANCELLED


Wow, the first real game for the canes since FSU and it is derailed by Wilma. I can’t wait to see 20,000 attend this game when it is scheduled for December 14th.


It would be too easy to describe a situation with prostitutes, cocaine, sedatives, Olde English 800 and Donna Shalala making excuses for this type of behavior. Wait a second, just watch the 11 o’clock news…


Since Jawga Teck is in the ghetto, they probably won’t get all “country mouse” when they get to Miami and see the cocaine scene…I mean I guess being surrounded by crack rock all day will probably desensitize you to that sort of thing…I hate Atlanta, but oh would I love to see the Hornets .. no wait, the Yellow Jackets “fly” down … BLIMEY .. The game’s been fucking postponed … WHEN WILL THESE F-ING HURRICANES GIVE US A BREAK … I blame Bush… I’m sure it’s his fault …those bastardly Republicans … they’re always up to no good!

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2005 Records:

Standings W L %

Cuzzin Bailey 48 12 80

El Gran Mono 47 13 78

Malt Licker 46 14 77


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