Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Week VI

El Gran Mono

Revenge Week II begins and LSU is set for some serious revenge. Additionally, all three Bourbon Boys will be in attendance at the game. If you wish to tailgate with us, then drop us a line if you have the privilege of knowing our number or drop an email to bourbonboyspicks@yahoo.com. I really hope no one decides drinking is a fun thing to do this weekend because Bernie Machenijad will slam you down with his teatotaling, iron fist. Happy Birthday Cuzzin’ Bailey. Are you 30 yet?

Cuzzin’ Bailey

What up gang? My b-day is this week … woohoo…I don’t know … not to jacked about leaving the “mid-20s” …anyways, the Gators came up HUGE last week on defense and took Alabama down to Chinatown … its always nice to get shit talked to you all week and being relatively quiet and humble about them and then win and then NOT be the bigger man and rub that shit in … that is the nature of a good Christian right? .. haha … oh yea … big scandal going on up here in DC … I am of course talking about how those sneaky Republicans (I’m a Republican) attached a bill screwing up internet gambling to a bill everyone HAD to vote for … I hate John McCain for that … anyways, no more politics … big week ahead here folks … Revenge Week Numero Dos … lets get to the picks …

Malt Licker

Well yours truly has taken a 2-game lead in the picks (for entertainment purposes only) thus far. However, in the topsy-turvy world of picking ATS, the lead is quite precarious. Not as precarious as Bernie Macheninajad and his campaign to squeeze the fun out of the college football experience. Oh, how I long for the days of J. Vince Lombardi. I think his tenure is the last time I’ve had an Oreo cookie as well.

Thursday, October 5, 2006

Florida State at NC State (+10.5), 7:45

EGM

The Boobs Bowl. Chuck Amato’s vs Bobby Bowden’s. NC State is usually a pretty average team. I take that back, they are usually an underachieving team. But something happens when they play FSU…its like Amato’s man boobs have special powers against the Nole$. The Criminoles have no ability to run and aren’t that good at passing. The good part is that NC State isn’t good at those things either. I’m basing my prediction on superior thugs.

No rep type thugs 24

Gang raping thugs 10

CB

NC State lost to Alcorn …or Akron or who gives a shit … that’s how important that game was to me … all I know is this: NC State lost to that shitty team AT HOME, then beat BC …BC beat Clemson, Clemzin in turn beat FSU … there is something to be said when there is that much conformity between teams in a conference … either A) they are all that good that one team is going to HAVE to lose (see SEC)… or B) all of them are that awful that one of them HAS to win … I think that’s the case in the ACC these days… they all suck crank to the point that fucking Wake Forest is the only undefeated team in there … I love how FSU is playing Thursday games now … that pretty much solidifies your status as a bush league team … I fucking hate the Noles …GO PACK!

FSU 30

NC State 23

ML

It’s the Bowden-Amato Bowl!!! AKA the senile redneck v. the bra-needing, ruby slipper-wearing, squeaky-voiced freak. Both these teams are coming off of bye weeks. Chuck’s boys have won 3 out of 5, and their campus will be rocking as the hated Noles come to town. I must admit, I’m a bit distracted. My mind is transfixed on the Gator Game. Sorry, back to this game. What an intense ACC classic this will be. Chock full of false-starts, sacks, runs for losses, and boneheaded INTs. Who will make less bone-headed plays?????

Semen-holes 19

Shit-pack 13

Saturday, October 7, 2005

Arkansas at Auburn (-15.5), 12

EGM

The Plainsmen are clearly looking ahead to next week’s possible Top 5 matchup with the Gators. I have no proof of that, but I just think they are. Nutt really needs to win this game. Unfortunately, Mustain just isn’t good enough to beat anyone who is half-ass.

Toe McFadden 14

What’s that in the distance? 28

CB

This is indeed an interesting sight …backwards overall wearing rednecks versus the Gucci wearing rednecks … how will these two breeds interact? Will there be any cross-breeding? Will the folks from Fayetteville bring enough booze to deal with the snotty tall-walleted-having uber-preps?? El Gran Mono always talks about how they didn’t drink very much … and while I can attest that it was virtually impossible to find 4 bars in that God-forsaken city those two times I went there, I guess I didn’t notice how little the Tigers fans drink…I do remember EGM falling off of his stool … that was funny … oh yea … game … there is a good chance that the Plainsmen are going to be looking past this game … esp if the they are favored by so much … I like Arkansas to beat this spread … I absolutely hate Houston Nutt though … damn the conflict!...

Wooo Pig Suuuuuuuey! 23

“Yalls in Awwbun” 29

ML

Nutty McNutt brings the Hogs to the plains. The Riverboat Gambler saw his team escape Columbia, thanks in large part to a ballsy onside kick in the 3^rd quarter. However, Auburn’s defense was exposed by the quick passing game of the Cocks. Fortunately, they are facing Mitch Cumstain, and their defense is more powerful than the scotchguard of a DC intern’s dress.

Not Hoggetown 14

Amping up for next week 27

Vanderbilt at Ole Miss (+1.5), 2

EGM

Wow, Vandy is a favorite on the road in the SEC! The sad part is that Ole Piss is that bad. Bad enough where the Egg Bowl may actually be interesting this year. Firing Cutcliffe has really helped Ole Piss not compete for SEC Titles. Well, that and allowing Brent Schaeffer to transfer in and start.

We love calculators 13

Calculated bad hair 10

CB

Vander-douche is favored again!! God I hate Ole Miss…I hate Eli Manning … and Archie is such a loser … How embarrassing to be HOME Dogs to a smart school … I mean is anyone even coaching Ole Miss … they fired a great offensive head coach and ever since they have been a fucking joke … I’m betting (figuratively) that the Rebels’ cracktastic quarterback throws 3 picks and leads his team to another big L …

Vandie 25

Oil of Olay Miss 13

ML

This game would be cooler if everyone from Vandy shaved their head, even the girls (none of them are hot anyway). The dichotomy would be stunning.

Commode-dores 17

Ole Piss 19

West Virginia at Mississippi State (+25), 2:30

EGM

The Mountaineers are completely overrated. They have ZERO passing attack and have played no one. Mississippi State is one of the worst teams in the country but even with no bars and no beer they should be able to cover 25 points at home.

Inbred fast dudes 35

Inbred slow dudes 11

CB

Look … the Mountaineers are totally overrated … in that they are not a top 5 team … however … thanks to their shitbox schedule they will probably lose like one game MAX…speaking of shitbox … Mississippi State is playing up to expectations this year … getting this crap kicked out of them week in and week out … this would be the perfect year for them to play UF at home … too bad they don’t … this is going to be another one of those games where those fucking old reporters from LA who don’t even watch the games go “wow did you see that West Virginia score? … That team is legit”…

WVA 60

MSU 10

ML

Unfortunately, this Big East power’s exposure to the SEC is like experiencing a Mons Venus with temporary blindness. Rich Rodriguez and his spread offense will silence all cowbells.

Couch Burning Mountain Hicks 44

No-Spread Covering Southern Hicks 10

LSU at Florida (+2), 3:30

EGM

The battle between the two best teams in the SEC. That statement just made every Auburn fan shit. “But we beat LSU AND we went undefeated two years ago.” Yeah well, LSU completely blew it against the Plainsmen and two years ago is still two years ago. Live in the now. These teams feature the best two defenses in the league and the best two passing attacks. That tells me the running game will be the difference. Can KeshhTAAN and the Vampire spell DeShawn? This game reminds me of when we played the Vols without Earnest Graham…

Bayou Talented Trash 17

KestAAAN = Gillespie 16

CB

I know its been like 9 years, but I still can’t forget the first time I went to LSU for a game … there I was … a happy go lucky freshman at UF … I had the whole world in front of me … we were all walking to Tiger Stadium … and some big, fat Cajun son of a bitch stands in front of us and says in the thickest fakest hick/French accent, “Hey you Gatah fan … we got some fried alligator over by da port-o-let” … God I hate that guy … anyways, I have extreme hatred for the Tigers …I mean I have friends who are elesyou fans, they are cool, but the team and all the fans I don’t know… I really can’t stand them … I want them all to go to hell … I know I haven’t talked about the game … but all I can say is, if we can contain Jar-Jar Binks Russell … get him flustered and have him start heaving the ball around like a fucking nimrod, we should be alright … he has no composure when that happens … remember the Auburn game? … I think we have the talent to do that to him too …could be a long day for the Cajun Cats …

LSU 17

Gatahs 29

ML

The Worldwide Leader has decided that it would be absurd to plant Gameday at a spot other than God’s Country. Kirk gets to show some lucky coed patrons at the Swamp his kirk, Fowler can show off his yachting technique, and Corso can show off his new eyelift. This is the biggest game at the Swamp since I was a Senior (5^th year) in 2001. The Gators are home underdogs, as everyone seems to expect the Tigers D to hold us back. The key to the game, with Wynn gimpy, is whether Percy Mutha-Fuckin’ Harvin can play at full strength. If he can, and provides 2 or 3 big plays, the Gators will win.

#2 Defense 10

#4 Defense 16

Duke at Alabama (-29), 7

EGM

Bama played extremely hard against the Mighty Gators last weekend and were actually the victims of a few bad calls. They are probably so mad that Baby Shula will actually break out the playbook with 5 decent plays. Duke sucks. Take that Dicky V.

Dork losers 3

Pissed off 35

CB

You know what I love? The Gators handled Bama last weekend but all I have heard all week was how lucky UF got, and how great Bama is … Its so fucking stupid … anyways, this week they have the perfect opponent…after getting bitch slapped, they get to do a little slapping of their own ... Duke’s best game this year was a loss to Wake Forest haha … this line is a little big for a team that just realized their season is over …

Puke 13

Bammer 34

ML

It’s hard enough coming up with new ways to insult Duke the 2 times they appear on this blog regularly. I suppose I could suggest they suit up the renegade Lacrosse team to take on the Sliding Tide. However, that might fire up some of the brothas on Bama’s D, leading not only to overwhelming defeat, but perhaps even death.

Leave the Poles with Nets Attached at Home 3

Finally an Offensive explosion 34

South Carolina at Kentucky (+6.5), 7

EGM

Why hasn’t Syvelle Newton been playing all year? He almost single handedly took down the Plainsmen. I’m disappointed the Spurdog didn’t notice his awesomeness earlier. Maybe he used bar fighting ability as a criteria for starting. Kentucky barely beat a directional school last week and they have huge problems with screens and short passes. Bad things man, Syvelle loves the short passing action…

Getting cocky on the road 28

At least ESPN likes Rich Brooks 20

CB

Coach Spurrier and the Cocks travel to the land of lovely blondes and basketball…6.5 spread huh? …I would say that now that Carolina has shown some offense against a quality team, the Cocks are probably going to be ready to rock. I really want to see what USC has got as the game against the Gators looms in mid-November…

Cocks 35

Kensucky 23

ML

Simply put, the evil genius doesn’t lose in Lexington. He doesn’t even lose if he’s trailing with 30 seconds left and relying on a red-shirt freshman QB from Ft Walton Beach connecting with a red-shirt sophomore in the closing seconds.

Scrambling Syvelle 28

Oreo Woodson 17

Tennessee at Georgia (+2.5), 7:45

EGM

JT III is a terrible quarterback. He’s the 2006 version of Dan Kendra. I’m surprised he hasn’t been cited for blowing things up in buckets and/or hogging all the 1,000 lbs plates at the gym. If you think JT III is good, then wipe the hair out of your eyes and have someone spray mace directly into them. UGA almost lost last week to Ole Piss and their running game seems to be dwindling despite Lumpkin’s solid effort. I really see Tennessee stacking up against the run despite their serious injuries. I expect Ainge to have a huge day even if UGA hits him. Cutcliffe will stick to the AJ Suggs offense with lots of clapping pre-snap, screen passes, counter plays, and sprint draws. These things usually work….

Orange shitty dogs 17

Red shitty dawgs 14

CB

What an interesting situation we have here…it seems that lately the home team has always been favored in this game…but here we are with UGA being put in the same situation as the Gators … home dogs … I’m surprised, I’m not surprised … UGA is undefeated, yet have been struggling horribly lately … UT is the biggest bunch of shit heads around … but they are certainly not awful at football … and did you see Fulmer by the way? … I think the fatass has lost some weight … I wonder, are the McRibwich jokes still apropos? … Maybe … but we can probably knock out the part about extra Ranch dipping sauce … I’m sure the initial pint is enough for him to wash down the ribbity goodness …

Fatty 22

Doggy 20

ML

UGA has been walking the tight-rope these past few weeks against inferior competition. This is the week we learn whether they were playing down to their competition, or if they just suck. The pRicht has turned to the Polish Assassin and the object of Verne Lundquist’s man-love, Joe Tereshinski. I wonder if Verne will opt out of covering UF-LSU so he can go to Athens and cover his boy. Who knew a Norwegian commentator’s love for a Polish QB would surpass Phat Phil’s love for Polish Sausage.

Mmmmmm….Sausage (pork) 24

Mmmmmm….Sausage (QB) 20

North Carolina at Miami (-19), 12

EGM

The COKEheads looked absolutely crappy last week. They had to comeback in the fourth quarter to beat a stunningly, average Houston team. The best part is how few people were in the stands and how COKEhead “fans” have given up on the season and started talking about how awesome they are going to be next year. Bad news…Kyle Wright is still expected to be at QB and you still have no wideouts. Notice to Cokehead “fans”: buy some shitty yeyo and a bad hotel room, blackout for the weekend, look in the mirror and then kill yourself. I’d take St Pete High School getting points against Da U right now.

Anyone 10

More like Miami “Late Afternoon Breeze” 28

CB

FINALLY …. This is the fucking game I have been waiting all week to write about!!! … YES….UNC perennial powerhouse against the up and coming Hurricanes … I’ll tell you what…UM has a serious fan base … sure only about half the folks that go there actually realize they have a football team, and half of those are too coked out to remember most of the games…but hell, think about all the Cubanos that attend … and hoodlums…you put all those folks in a shitbox of a stadium and what you have is pure gold … the Heels fans better be ready for a culture shock … I wish I could see the looks on their faces …

Powder Blue 14

Did you say powder? 34

ML

Miami -19? The only possible explanation is that this is the expected difference in fans. UNC should bring about 3,450 of their wine and cheese eating, sweater over shoulder wearing, douchebag fans. While Miami will have 3,431 coke snorting, louis vuitton handbag toting, frosty haired, scumbag fans. There is no way Miami scores enough to cover this spread.

Heels 14

Co-Caness 24