Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Week II

Cuzzin’ Bailey

So it wasn’t a horrible week for Cuz Bailey, picks-wise. But my softball team lost and the first Devil Rays game I have been to in like 2 weeks was of course the one that they lost to the jackass Orioles. Almost got into it with an O’s fan … pretty standard. (Although I have given up trying to get in fights for lent). Regardless, I’m in second with a sub-500 record right now … but its only the second week so anything can happen. Oh yea, I’m going to the Gator game this weekend, so that’s pretty badass. Finally I can go to home games again and not have worry if anyone is “having a good time” etc. College girls beware …

El Gran Mono

Wow, I was like the polar opposite of Matthew McConaughey Brandon Lang last week. I promise to get better this week. Not that it matters unless you are in Vegas thanks to feds (bastards). I was really surprised at how many young players I had not heard of while watching the plethora of SEC games last Saturday. Many of these players were on defense and that is likely a bad thing except for maybe Georgia who looks to have some studs. UF is featuring some serious greenhorns all around and I’m already nervous about Erik Ainge shredding them. Cal just hammered the Vols who look to have no run defense whatsoever. This week features at least a couple decent games and NO D-IAA teams. Its actually called the Playoff Championship Subdivision or some horseshit like that but who really cares.

Malt Licker

Wow, what an opening weekend. Perhaps Appy State should have been the team chosen to play UF in the BCS Title game last year. Tebow proved to the Gator Nation and the rest of the college football world that he might complete a few passes this year. In the SEC, Georgia represented well, Auburn so-so, and Tennessee not at all. This all sets the stage for an interesting week with a few inter-SEC matchups, the typical early September pu-pu platter, and one huge interconference showdown between LSU and Va Tech.

Saturday, September 8, 2007

Alabama @ Vanderbilt (+3.5), 12:30

CB

Holy shit … I’m not expert, but either Vandy isn’t a joke this year, or the gamblers aren’t convinced that Satan has infused the full power of his minions into the Tuscaloosaians. Oh wait, now that I recall, its gamblers’ jobs to make money from chumps, so by keeping the line low it might convince some jabrones to go Vandy’s way. Maybe I’m over thinking this, maybe they aren’t the shitheads they generally are…

Still unlocking the Ninth Gate 33

Still trying to unlock the Physics of the Kickoff 28

EGM

Bama looked pretty average last year and I really don’t see them being much different this season despite the addition of Saban. They lack a running game and John Parker Wilson has not proved himself yet. Vandy does have some playmakers in the form of Chris Nickson and Earl Bennett. Can the Tide stop them? I think not. In fact, I’m starting to believe these two players have been quarantined from the rest of the dork community and are actually getting full time on the practice field. The key to this game is whether Vandy can stop Bama’s offense.

Devil went down to Nashville 17

Chris Nickson for Heisman 21

ML

Last week, the Yellow Hammer pounded nails into the Catamounts coffin, wiping out Western Carolina by 46 points, while Vandy used Earl Bennett’s un-Commodore like skills to squash the Spiders. Big Earl had 223 yards last week. If Satan wants to improve upon last year’s miniscule margin of victory, he must keep Bennett in check. I see John Parker Wilson having a big day and Bama cruising, beginning talks in Tuscaloosa of a “revival.”

Could Satan be Bear-like? 31

Commodes 14

South Carolina @ Georgia (-5.5), 5:45

CB

Even though UGA has won this match-up ever since Superior became a Cock, at times USC has made it very nerve-wracking for the Dawgs. You know, I can’t for the life of me understand why South Carolina is happy that Blake Mitchell is coming back this week. Is he that remarkable? I suppose he has decent stats, but he just comes across as a total douchebag. ANYWAY, Stafford (Georgia’s QB) likes the feel of his offense and Mark Richt was uncharacteristically (yea right) complementary of his team. If there is one (more) guy I do not want to see with a National Championship, its Richt. If it ever happens all you would hear from him would be how they deserved so many more cause his teams were that good etc … I don’t know where I’m getting this. But unfortunately Jawga does have a decent team minus their starting RB for a few weeks. That could possibly change the outcome of this game, but if I were a gambling man (which I’m not, anymore), I would probably take UGA and the points, after all its, IN Athens.

Assholes, oh, I mean Cocks 17

Dawgs 31

EGM

Georgia legitimately defended the honor of the SEC last week. Their defense looked tough against a very good Ok State offense. Stafford also appears to have fully turned the corner; however, Ok State would not be a good gauge for that considering they play no defense whatsoever. The Cocks sucked it up last week against a shitbag opponent. I guess Blake Mitchell is that integral to their offense. I’m actually starting to think Spurrier can’t work with every QB on the planet. This will be a game of defense because the Cocks don’t have the horses to block the Dawgs and vice versa. Take the under and the Dawgs prevailing with better offensive talent.

No longer the master of UGA 7

Struttin’ the stretch pants in Athens 13

ML

Other than Tennessee, no team looked worse last week than Spur-Dogs Cocks. The Ol’ Ballcoach called his Cocks a “bunch of stiffs” after their performance against Lou-La last week. However, Blake “the drunk” Mitchell returns at QB, which should improve their offensive production. The Dawgs looked great against OSU at home, and everyone is very high on them, which makes the Malt Licker suspicious. I think this game sets up well for the Gamecocks, and they will shock those in attendance at Sanford Stadium.

Less stiff cocks 20

Humbled pooches 17

Missouri @ Ole Miss (+6), 6

CB

Ole Miss played pretty unremarkable on offense last week getting bailed out by their defense (and Memphis tossing four INTs). Its really no surprise that they are home dogs this week. I’m sure the only game they’ll actually come to play at will be against Florida in a few weeks, cause after all I’ll be there, and the SEC Gods tend to hate me on the road. Fuck, how do you unjinx yourself?

Mizzou 35

Who gives a shit? 14

EGM

Missouri almost lost to Zook last week. That’s the only reason I’m thinking about Ole Miss covering. Orgeron almost blew a huge lead to Ole Miss last week as well. Chase Daniel is the best player on the field and I’d like to think that +6 number won’t contain him. Will Orgeron last the season with this crapbox team? Why did they fire Cutcliffe? Things I think about in the night.

Mizzou is a cool word 31

Worse than Faulkner 21

ML

Wow, another Big 12 – SEC matchup. The Orgeron and his frightened underlings escaped the dark recesses of Memphrica with a narrow victory. Ben-Jarvus was held in check, Ben-Rushing for less than Ben80 yards. Chase Daniel, managed to escape the watchful cameras of MTV’s “The Hills” to hand the Zooker another heartbreaking loss. This game will come down to Ole Piss’ D v. Chase Daniel and the high-powered Tiger offense. Missouri was a slave state, so they won’t be intimidated by the Stars & Bars of Oxfuuuhhhd.

Refusing to Compromise 24

Refusing to win 20

Troy @ Florida (-26), 6

CB

Damn our insistence on playing actual opponents for our Non-conference schedule! Troy almost beat FSU last year, went to a bowl and beat up on Rice. This is a talented team that is in Division I and deserves our respect. Excuse me for a moment. “God, its me, Cuzzin Bailey, please don’t let what happened to Michigan happen to us. Thanks.”

Try our Horse, it’s the best in the State 17

Florida 56

EGM

Why are we playing this game? I’ve heard South Florida crapped out on us and litany of other excuses. There is a line and Troy is not D-IAA but I expect more in the years to come with 12^th game available. As for last week, Tebow and the offense look good but that was a slow team. The defense only gave up 3 points but the safeties look slow and the line was getting no push against the fucking Hilltoppers.

Troy Trojans, how creative! 14

Tebow spelled backwards is Wobet 38

ML

I am dubbing this matchup the “Kyle Jackson Bowl.” The much-maligned UF Free Safety was terrible last week, allowing a couple big completions in front of him against Western Kentucky. If he struggles again, I foresee him being relegated to special teams for the remainder of his career. Luckily, last week proved, as I mentioned above, that Tebow can throw. The thunderbolts unleashed by his left arm conger images of Zeus. In fact, I hear he is being strongly considered to play the God of Gods in the remake of “Clash of the Titans.”

Mortal Mediterranean Warriors 12

Immortal Mediterranean Gods 44

Kent State @ Kentucky (-13), 6

CB

The real bet here is whether or not the Malt Licker is gonna make a “National Guard shooting students” joke. Let me tell you right now, TAKE THE POINTS … it is a hands down, iron clad, aluminum siding, guaranteed lock.

Duck! 15

Just got our Student Season licenses 33

EGM

I always thought Kent State gave up the State like Memphis but I guess I was wrong. The Flashes are in deep shit trying to stop Andre Woodson and Co. I’m betting on KY’s defense keeping the score low enough for the cover. Taking KY to cover just seems strange.

Hippy protestors 17

Nat’l Guardsman 31

ML

There is nothing remotely compelling about this game. UK will throw for a bunch of yards and the Golden Flash will burn out quicker than those promising lives massacred on their campus 37 years ago.

National Guard U 4 dead + 9 wounded = 13

‘Tucky 33

Mississippi State @ Tulane (+6), 7

CB

How awful it must feel to be a Miss St fan. Wait, why am I acting like losing big isn’t something they would be used to by now. I wonder if they did shitty this year, they would still keep Croom around cause he’s the classiest guy within 150 miles of Starkvegas. It is not out of the realm of possibility that Tulane could “upset” this shitbox of a team, but I think I saw some of that “never say die” mentality last week when LSU was putting it in the endzone at will, and they just kept fighting and came out winners in their own right. Alright, enough sarcasm, Tulane must really suck to be homedogs to MSU.

Class isn’t just something you skip 34

Name change would be nice 17

EGM

Miss State looked absolutely terrible last week. If Henig plays more than a quarter of this game then they will lose. It sounds like some JUCO is gonna play so that gives me hope because Miss State’s defense is pretty good. Titus Brown is a fucking stud.

Starkvegas comin’ to The Big Easy 21

Green Wave, more like Brown Wave 10

ML

Good news for MSU, you are playing Tulane. Bad news, Sly Croom is your coach and Michael Henig is still quarterback. Good news, you are playing Tulane.

Henig can’t play worse 22

Have the waters receded? 10

Southern Miss @ Tennessee (-10.5), 7

CB

I have to believe that the line is this low because the Vols lost last week in embarrassing fashion. Had they won by even a point last week, this would be a 20 point spread. Ainge had a pretty impressive game last week even with a broken finger on his throwing hand, which made me very skeptical on the severity of the injury. Bottom line, I don’t trust Phil Fulmer as far as I can … yea you get it. Big win for the Big Orange.

Road Dogs 13

Smokey doesn’t like other dogs 40

EGM

Last week, the Vols defensive line got pushed around like a red headed stepchild. And by fucking Cal no less. Did you see those hippy scumbags in the stands? My worst nightmare. Yikes. As for this game, Ainge and the Vol offense should have no problem scoring against the Golden Eagles but the Vols defense will have a big time problem stopping Damion Fletcher and the Southern Miss offense. I saw this guy last year as a freshman and he ripped up a stud Gator defense. Despite the crappy defense, I see the Vols with revenge in their eyes and looking to make a statement to the Gators.

Buzzsawed 21

Ainge is good 41

ML

Coker is back! No not Larry “Gollum” Coker, but the UT suspended running back. I’m not sure how much of a difference this will make, as offense was not UT’s problem last week. To further complicate things, Southern Miss isn’t that bad. They ran for over 300 yards last week, and must be licking their chops against a Vol defense that gave more ground than General Pickett at Gettysburg. Unfortunately, I still see the Vols shoring things up on defense and cruising to a relatively easy W.

Still missing Fahvruh 6

Bouncing back 27

South Florida @ Auburn (-7), 9

CB

Considering my hatred for Auburn I am going to be very biased this week. They are such d-bags. Scumbag students, bullshit homer calls, shithole of a town, the list goes on and on. Beware all you Bulls fans that are going on this road trip, the southern folks that go there are so full of shit its gonna make you puke. They’ll be a sweet as molasses before the game and stab you in the back the first chance they get afterwards …

Da Bullssss 20

Et tu Brute? 28

EGM

The Plainsmen looked lethargic on both sides of the ball last week. They are lucky that KState is shitty. BranDONE Cox looked very average last week but not quite as average as the Plainsmen running game. This is gonna be a low scoring game with some serious hitting. Grothe and krew are very good when they are on but I have yet to see them run the ball against a defense like Auburn. Grothe is gonna get smacked around but the Bulls defense will preserve the cover. TAKE THE UNDER!

Not enough wallet 10

Just enough wallet 13

ML

Alright, I’ll admit it. I hate USF. I hate how everyone in my home town is so impressed with their quick rise to BCS contender status. News flash….you play in the Big East. It’s the same conference that Urb’s destroyed in the Fiesta Bowl with Utah. It’s the same conference that focuses on basketball. I’m not that impressed. I could run a program in the state of Florida with no academic standards for athletes and bring in some talent, and I wouldn’t even have to pay them like Jimmy “the Haircut.” This reminds me of when they were all set to “beat” UF in a basketball game at the Sun Dome. Bonner and Co. destroyed them, and that was at home. This game is not. Tommy T will rally the troops and put up a solid W against the Bulls.

No drinking anywhere in town 28

You can drink in our stadium and it is still barren 13

Virginia Tech @ LSU (-12.5), 9:15

CB

I must say that LSU looked pretty formidable last week. However, I still think that it is way too early for the jokers on ESPN to have already stamped the Tigers ticket to the BCS championship game. Further, that Thursday night game last week sounded like it was being broadcasted from the LSU studios. Chris Fowler was being such an LSU mark it literally almost made me sick … or maybe that was the ten beers, EITHER WAY, he’s a prat. I guess all that time sitting up on the Gameday booth being “non-partisan” finally pushed him over the edge. Va-tech struggled last week during a pretty emotional game but came out victorious and now I’m sure they are ready to move on and get their act together. The Hokies have a better defense than Miss State, so that will be a factor, but regardless of how good you play D, their offense HAS to score or the defense will get too tired chasing after Early Doucet all game long. (By the way, is that a fucking family name? I mean Early? What the fuck?). Perhaps special teams play will be a factor in this game. If so, I’m sure that will bring a smile to VT fans everywhere.

Hokies 17

LSU 25

EGM

This game is all defense. But can either of these teams play offense? Va Tech, with Sean Glennon at QB, will score very little. LSU, with Matt Flynn and Early Doucet will score enough. I really don’t see many points on the board with the likes of Dorsey, Highsmith, Steltz, Hall and Adibi lining up. I would be all over the under on this game and despite LSU having a better offense I just can’t justify 12.5, its just too much and Va Tech will get at least one touchdown.

Castrated Turkeys 10

Tigers with balls 17

ML

The Hokies had trouble scoring against East Carolina. They are in deep shit against LSU. It will take at least 3 special teams/defensive scores for this game to even be close. I see the Bayou Bengals ending all talk of a magical “healing” season for the Hokies. This might not be pretty.

Taste like Chicken 9

Earning more first place votes 31

Arkansas - BYE

CB

Great time for a bye week … their athletic director should be fired. I guess it’ll give’em time to prepare for the Crimson Tide.

EGM

I’ll bet they are practicing running plays.

ML

Ohh nice timing on the ol bye week, the players must need to study up for their pop quiz in hog sloppin.

Non-SEC Game of the Week

Notre Dame @ Penn State (-17.5), 3

CB

You know how people always said you either love or hate Notre Dame? That was never really the case for me. I mean I hate the fact that they beat the Gators in the ‘92 Sugar Bowl (1991 season I know but the game was played in Janny), but that was really it. We faced them once and it was when I was 13, believe it or not I got over it. But last year, just looking at Brady Quinn I just wanted to hit him in the face with a shovel. Tell me again, what big games did he win? Oh that’s right. (and who didn’t love the “end of Braveheart” moment at the NFL draft with everyone crying out “Mercy”) I digress; the point is I now understand what the ol’ saying meant. Everyone who isn’t an ND fan by birth or whatever must at some point in their lives develop a reason to hate them. Last year’s poster child was a whiny bitch (anyone who doesn’t believe me, check out the tape of him yelling at his coaches on one of the phones last year at SC), and that’s mine. Oh yea, PSU is suppose to whip up on the Irish this week, but to the tune of 17 and a half? Is Kerry Collins back and out of his drunken stupor? Did Kijana Carter get new magic legs ala Lieutenant Dan? Is it bizarre that the only drunk joke I made was about Penn State and not the “IRISH”? It looks to me like this game could get ugly for ND.

God, we wish we were drunk 10

We’re good? When the hell did this happen? 28

EGM

I called it last week. Notre Dame sucks. Jimmy Clausen or not, ND is in for a world of hurt this year. Their offense has nothing except for a big fat coach and that doesn’t put points on the board. Penn State doesn’t have what I would call a “dynamic” offense but they can get the job done and rarely turn the ball over. Penn State does have a good defense and that means ZERO points for the Domers. Clausen will be balding like his brothers before this one is over.

Brady Quinn has great hair 0

So does Joe Pa 34

ML

I don’t even have to look at the line to know Penn State will romp. Even when Notre Dame was good 20 years ago they had trouble winning in Happy Valley. That was without starting a freshman QB behind a horrible O-line and breaking in a new 3-4 defense. Throw in the fact that ND pasted the Nittany Lions last year, including a fake punt while up 20+, and I see big-time revenge for JoePa and Co. The major downside is that the media is chomping at the bit to play the race card re: Chuck Weis and Ty Will. However, while Chuck is going through growing pains he has brought in consecutive top 10 recruiting classes, whereas Ty was busy playing golf and bringing in top 30 classes.

J.C. better be the second coming 10

Morelli for Heisman???? 28