Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Week IV

Malt Licker

Wow…I think the Urban spread offense might work in the SEC. Anyone with any doubts might want to ask John Chavis. Just imagine what it will be like when Emmanuel Moody plays next year. There were a bunch of wild games in the SEC last week. Bama had some close calls go their way (shock of shocks) and UK staked their claim to ownership of the Bluegrass State.

Cuzzin’ Bailey

My God! I mean I’m sure that UT fans and critics alike will point to how shitty the Vols are this year, but come on! That game was freaking phenomenal! There’s nothing like beating Tennessee, but winning so convincingly so that the only complaint and argument they make is that we “ran up the score” is a beautiful thing. Now that that is over, we have to get down to this week’s business. It is time for the Gators to snap the jinx of the “Random SEC West Road Game.” I’m somewhat superstitious (although apparently not enough to NOT mention the jinx), and this year, I think we have the amulet (in the form of #15) to protect us from any vexation that the SEC West will conjure up this week. (Sorry, I went to a Wicca ceremony today, it was mesmerizing). I’m gonna be in Oxford this weekend so I will be sure to bring my rabbit’s foot, four leaf clover, and wolf’s bane...

El Gran Mono

Wow, I was so excited about the Gator win last week the local police tried to tazer me. On that note, I think you could tazer Tim Tebow and it would not affect him at all. I’m betting he’s not a rabid leftist either. Anyways, this week is a big step down from last week with only a few decent games but at least they are staggered so you can watch them all. As for the national scene, there are pretty much NO good games so we had to go with Penn State-Michigan. As for the answers to last week’s questions, only one is important, no scoring for CB, its like the ’97 defense is still there from his frosh year and Johnny Rutledge has about 10,000 tackles for loss.

Saturday, September 22, 2007

Florida @ Ole Miss (+21), 12:30

ML

Dem gator boys were hot! And so was the Swamp, apparently. It was a steamy day but I was so drunk on Crown, Coors Light and Beam that I didn’t notice. It’s also less steamy when you are putting a colossal beatdown on the hated Vols. Just think Vols fans, Ainge is probably the best QB you’ve had since Peyton, and you were still smoked in his senior year. The key to this game is coffee. If we make sure our guys get some decent coffee in time for the 9 AM start, we should be fine. There is more good news, since this game starts so early, Cuzzin Bailey will only be 3 times the legal limit rather than 5.

Call Juan Valdez 41

Orgeron on Coffee = 1 scary Cajun 14

CB

So, I’m sure you haven’t heard this at all this week, but apparently the Gators haven’t won in the State of Mississippi since 1994 and have lost like 5 out of the last 6 or something in the Magnolia State. (Warning: be prepared for bullshit-excuse laden group of comments here) These games include but are not limited to: 1992 – MSU, Shane Matthews’ mother had just passed away, and he threw 6 picks, we lose; 2000 – MSU, Spurrier punting on third down, bullshit unsportsmanlike on Gillespie, and our defense has us kickoff to open both halves, not good juju, we lose; 2002 – Ole Miss, Ron Zook, loss; 2004 – MSU, RON ZOOK, loss. These are just some examples how the Gators shot themselves in the foots (no, that can’t be right), but the ever-dragged-out point is that this year must be different. This isn’t a UF team with any (knock on wood) real issues to speak of, and Ole Miss I mean just plain SUCKS. I like the spread here, as it has increased by a TD since Monday…give them the points, we’re looking good.

UF 45

Ole Mess 13

EGM

After last week, many a Gator fan is riding a pretty sweet high. Ole Miss looks like a cakewalk. However, that analysis usually doesn’t factor in the SEC West Rotation Road Curse. Think about it, losses to less superior teams even with Meyer at the helm – Auburn, Alabama. Not good. Ole Miss doesn’t really play much defense as indicated by the Mizzou blowout so the Gators will score. But will they shut down BenJarvus? I’m guessing enough to win; however, 21 points is a lot on the road in roto West slot. Hopefully Cuzzin’ Bailey, Papa Gran Mono and Mean Gene can bring home the W.

Tebow’s first road win 34

Use your cover money for a haircut 14

South Carolina @ LSU (-16), 3:30

ML

Man….LSU is continuing to get a ton of respect. I admit that it is well-deserved, but man, laying 16 to SOS and his undefeated Cocks? That seems like a bit much. Spurrier needs to make sure his QB doesn’t do a Doug Johnson impersonation and get smashed this week. The key to a cover is Spurrier realizing he has to keep it on the ground and limit the opportunities for his drunken hayseed QB to make mistakes. If South Carolina keeps the turnover differential even, they’ll get the cover

2 drunken INTs 13

1 gumbo fumble 24

CB

This is a very tough game to pick. I mean, I of course have no idea: a) how hurt Early Doucet is (or that he was even hurt until a few days ago); b) how much it’ll matter that Matt Flynn didn’t play last week (him getting beat out for someone younger is nothing new); or c) how Spurrier’s group of b-team walk-ons will handle Death Valley. My initial thought was “not very well” but as the week has go on and I have recharged some brain cells from last weekend in Gainesville, I started to remember how I thought UGA would blow out the Cocks IN Athens. I was wrong then and I think I was (initially) wrong this week. USC may not win in Baton Rouge, but I am gonna go on a limb here and predict they beat the spread.

Cocks 15

LSU 25

EGM

Spur-Dog – 9-1 versus LSU with the one loss coming on a week where Dougy J thought drinking on the strip was more important than winning. That speaks volumes, especially when matched up against Les Miles. LSU has taken advantage of many turnovers by shitbox opposing QBs and turned them into instant scores. BUT South Carolina is the best team they have played and will shutdown the pathetic Cajun running game (you can only run the FB blast and HB toss so many times). I’m very close to picking the upset by the Ol’ Ball Coach but I just don’t think Phil Petty has enough brain cells to pull this one out.

OBC 13

Back to reality 20

Kentucky @ Arkansas (-6.5), 6

ML

The former basketball school is in the AP poll for the first time in two decades, and they are coming off their first win over a top 10 team in 30 years. Seriously though, if you beat a Big East team ranked in the top 10, shouldn’t there be some sort of statistical adjustment? Joe shithead pollster looks at the teams in that “conference” figures out who the best one will be and pencils in about 7 or 8 conference W’s. Then you add in 2 cupcake wins and you have 10 wins. Therefore Joe shithead pollster projects what their end record will be, and thinks they might beat the shitty ACC champ in an Orange Bowl that no one will watch. It’s science or something. So UK didn’t really beat a top ten team. Anyway, back to this game. I predict that UK will throw for 400 yards and Arkansas will run for 300.

Crashing back to the Bluegrass Earth 31

300+ rushing yards = cover 40

CB

Uh, can you say what the fuck? I certainly don’t want the Gators playing in Lexington right now. So I feel a little uneasy about this game from the Razorbacks point of view. That was my first thought before I realized that Louisville gave up 42 to Middle Tennessee State U in week one. (A team that LSU shut out). So clearly that hurt the Cards rep last weekend when the Cats beat the first ranked team in like many years (I have no idea). This game is gonna be a test of UK’s run defense (shocking I know). And this will be a test for Arkansas’ pass defense to redeem themselves for giving the game away last weekend to Bama. The Hogs scored against a sacred Nick Saban defense last week and there’s no way Kentucky has that going for them, but the passing game is what the Cats do best.

Kentucky 30

Arkansas 32

EGM

KY defended the honor of the SEC last week taking out Louisville in a game with very little defense. After watching Arkansas get burned time and again, I fully expect KY and Woodson to rack up just as many yards this week. The only problem is they will probably give up about 350+ on the ground. You just can’t win getting steamrolled like that. I still wouldn’t be shocked if they played another 7 OT game. At least this time I won’t have money on it, thanks to the Feds.

Airing it out 31

Grinding it out 38

New Mexico State @ Auburn (-17), 7

ML

Wow…Auburn should really be 0-3, that is all I know about this game. If they have any heart whatsoever they will cover this spread. New Mexico State has my favorite mascot from the EA NCAA Football franchise, “Pistol Pete.” He looks like he has TB, but that doesn’t prevent him from firing that Pistol

I’ll be your huckleberry 6

I bet there are a ton of douches at auburn named “Wyatt” 24

CB

Who the hell thinks that Auburn is good enough to beat anyone by 17 points these days?

Doesn’t everyone think that a quarterback is supposed to get at least a little bit better as he gets older? It’s like Brandon Cox is the Drew Weatherford of the SEC. I guess at night at Jordan-Hare Stadium, a scumbag foe like the Lobos would tremble in fear, so I’m tempted to take the spread. But then I realize that any one of Cox’s bonehead plays can turn this into a “good game.” 17 seems like too much for a team that just got beat by Mississippi State at home.

New Mehico State 17

Auburn 33

EGM

Auburn sucks. I thought they were better than Miss State but I was very wrong. I thought Cox could get it done against Sly Croom’s sad excuse for a team. WRONG AGAIN. Luckily they are bringing in a team that held its opponents to less than 20 points only twice last year. I have faith in Tubs to cover this game because if he doesn’t, then the usually reserved Plainsmen faithful might tie one on (two beers) and start calling for Pete Dye to return.

The other Aggies 10

Still not good 28

Gardner-Webb @ Mississippi State (NL), 7

ML

My man Johnny Cash received an honorary degree from Gardner-Webb. John Grisham went to MSU. This is the only advantage Gardner-Webb has in this game. You must really suck if you can’t get a line against Miss. St.

Walk the goalLine 3

YES THEY DESERVE TO LOSE

AND I HOPE THEY BURN IN HELL!!!!! 37

CB

Just disgraceful. Any team that doesn’t warrant a line against these Bulldogs deserves less attention from me than my teachers got.

Who were these guys? 2

MSU 15

EGM

Another D-IAA game. This is getting outrageous.

Runnin’ Bulldogs 3

Just plain Bulldogs 38

Arkansas State @ Tennessee (-18.5), 7

ML

Ugh…what a bogus game. Arkey State is nestled in a place called Crowley’s Ridge in Jonesboro. “Da Ridge” as locals call it, “is essentially an upland in the middle of an ocean of land. It is all that remains of once vast uplands that were as high as the Ozarks to the West. During the last glacial period there were enormous meltwaters that scoured this region. Crowley's Ridge, for a variety of reasons, survived this massive erosion, and remains today as testimony that something major happened here.” So there ya go, not only do you get a 70% success rate ATS, you get info on one of the most interesting geological formations of the Mississippi valley.

Do you like our Ridge? 10

Our Smokey Mountains are bigger,

And bigger is better, just ask your mom 31

CB

HEHE Its time for the Knoxville faithful to get up out of their seats and welcome back Neyland Stadium, the victorious…awwww hahaha, I mean the pathetic losers from the SEC East Showdown. Phat Phil should have stayed fat. This skinniness has gone to his head. As in he’s getting lightheaded and apparently its affecting his coaching, his recruiting and for God’s sake, its putting a lot of good fast food restaurants in Tennessee out of business. That bastard!

Ark State 10

UT 29

EGM

It appears that the Indians like to run the football. Too bad they can’t pass.

Native Americans 10

Still smarting 35

Georgia @ Alabama (-3.5), 7:45

ML

The Tide is laying more than a FG after their exciting victory over the Hawgs. Georgia didn’t look great against Directional Cupcake U last week. I honestly have no idea what to expect in this game. JP Wilson seems to be a pretty decent QB, as does Matthew Stafford. This is an absolute must-win for the Dawgs if they want to have any shot at the SEC Championship game. If Alabama doesn’t shore up their run defense, they be pummeled by a wave of UGA Tailbacks, led by Freshman Knowshon Moreno. I hear that Knowshon is Zulu for “Tote the Basket.” If he can tote the pigskin well enough, Stafford will be able to run some play action and pierce the hearts of Satan and Tide fans everywhere

Do you know me? You will now 27

Tide Overrun 23

CB

Gat Dang it! This is another one of those games that could totally go either way. I mean we’re in Bama who just beat the defending SEC West Champ, and we have Jawga that got beat at home by the Gamecocks but is still only a 3.5 underdog. Welcome to the SEC. UGA has only beaten two crapbox teams and lost to a division rival. That alone should call for a larger spread. That combined with the facts that this is a night game under the lights of Bryan-Denny, and Bama is undefeated makes this game seem damn impossible for the Bulldogs to win. So why am I picking them to beat the spread? Someone please stop me!!!! Thanks for nothing.

Come on Dawgs, don’t make me look stupider 17

Used up all the luck last week? 16

EGM

It’s official, Satan has Bama back on track…at least offensively. Georgia is sort of an enigma, everyone expected them to be good but when a tough Cocks squad shut them down, everyone gave up on them. Stafford can still play and they still have a stable of running backs. I believe that’s the recipe for success against a Bama team who couldn’t even stop Casey Dick last week. So Tide fans, put away your detergent and toilet paper because Satan still needs a couple years of recruiting.

Richt closed practice for a reason 31

Spent after last week 21

Vanderbilt – OFF

ML

Plenty of time to study

CB

I don’t have time for this, I have to pack for my trip to Mississippi. Vandy SUCKS!

EGM

Better buy extra batteries for the TI-85, its gonna be a big weekend.

Non-SEC Game of The Week

Penn State @ Michigan (+2.5), 3:30

ML

Well, if you based this game on each teams performance against Notre Dame, Michigan should be the favorite. I don’t know, but I have a feeling Michigan is going to win. They are back in the unimaginative Big 10 where they don’t have to face “athletic” QBs. In steps Anthony Morelli, poster child for New Jersey guidos everywhere. Apparently he is “better” this year. I’ll believe it when I see it….

Vanilla U 17

Meeeeeshigan 23

CB

Michigan, home dogs to a team they have dominated for quite a while. I really like Penn State’s defense, and I really don’t like that Michigan’s only win was against a shitbox team like Notre Dame. One thing that bothers me is all this “history” talk. How Penn State hasn’t beaten Michigan in almost 11 years and junk. I mean did UM open up with a home loss to a I-AA school all those other times? Was there dissention in the ranks all those other years? Was Lloyd Carr the most hated guy in the Mitten all those years? Were the Wolverines starting a freshman QB cause their Senior starter has a “suspicious” knee injury? Wow that’s a lot of questions. I guess I’m just trying to rationalize to myself how PSU is gonna win this game. It worked, I’m in.

Nittany Lions 33

Regular Wolverines 20

EGM

I would be picking Penn State all day if they ran the spread offense. They have a pretty studly defense and some great receivers, but for some reason they feel the need to play “Big 10 football”. You know, run it up the middle, win with defense if you can, all that trash. The reason Ohio State actually beat up on everybody last year was because they ran a version of the spread and nobody knew how to deal with it. I really, really hate Michigan. Especially since all their fans told the Gators how much we sucked last year. Um, you weren’t right and while were at it, Chad Henne sucks. I still gotta go with a team that will get the ball to its studs and that team is not Penn State.

Grutter 13

Bollinger 17