Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Week III

El Gran Mono

I’m just gonna forget the first two weeks of the season and refer to this as opening week despite the continued presence of D-IAA teams. They need to ban teams from scheduling them. I’d rather see Buffalo, Central Michigan or one of the directional Lousiana teams. This week will answer many, many questions: 1) Are Florida’s young players for real? 2) Can Tennessee stop anyone? 3) Is Satan the difference in Alabama? 4) Will Houston Nutt run the ball 80 times in one game? 5) Does either Kentucky or Louisville play defense? and 6) Can Cuzzin’ Bailey score in Gainesville for the first time?. Stay tuned for the answers and a possible STD horror story.

Malt Licker

Well, the preseason for Gators fans is over, as we are about to begin SEC play and are poised to take on our hated rivals from the Smokeys. Auburn gave a boost to the Bulls from USF, making the recruiting trail that much more competitive for Urbs. I’m tempted to not mention my hot start, but if this continues I may quit my job and start a 900 number extolling the virtues of my prognostication and lamenting the fact that you can only (legally) borrow my wisdom if you live in Vegas. For now, I must bask in the glory of my dominance over El Gran Mono and Cuzzin’ Bailey.

Cuzzin’ Bailey

Ha, I was going to comment on how I was a respectable 7-3 last week, but then I realized that the games I missed were the only actual contests. I totally overestimated the “Georgia not sucking” factor, got “Burned” on the USF call, and completely thought that Va Tech had a chance. I hang my head in shame. Okay that’s over. Pardon me if my mind is somewhere else this week, I am heading up to Gainesville this weekend for the annual UF-UT match-up. Let’s all collectively pray that our spotty defense is up to the task this week, and that the loss of Bubba Caldwell isn’t as big a deal as I think it is…

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Mississippi State @ Auburn (-12.5), 12:30

EGM

Shitty. That’s how I would describe the QB play in this game. How has BranDONE Cox started for three years? He is absolutely terrible. The guy locks on receivers and has no ability to handle even a moderate rush. The Plainsmen defense continues to play well behind Quentin Groves and krew. That unit will completely shutdown Henig and the atrocious Miss State offense. The only way to watch this game is with a pint glass full of warm bourbon and a single shot pistol (for when the bourbon runs out). Just drinking alcohol while watching Auburn pisses their fans off.

Croom Firing Countdown Begins 3

Thanks for losing to USF 21

ML

Man…Brandon Cox sucks more than Jasmine St. Clair. Luckily, Pississippi State and their pathetic program, the ultimate salve to all losing wounds comes to the Plains. I don’t know anything about Auburn’s backup QB, but I have a feeling that if Brandon decides to try any more passes while simultaneously entering the fetal tuck, whoever he is will become a household name.

Blech U 6

Fetal Non-Alcohol Syndrome 27

CB

Being a huge Gator fan, I am completely spooked by the mystique that Jordan (pronounced Jerden)-Hare Stadium has over the Gators; therefore, after watching last weekend’s game, (I made it home for overtime) I don’t know what to think. Will we see the team that magically took control of the would-be National Champs (with some help from the refs) from last year, or will this be the team that got trounced by Arkansas, or beaten in OT by the USF Bulls? Notice I’m not talking about MSU? They are junk, I have no respect for them, I didn’t mean to give a backhanded complement to USF, they would destroy Miss State.

Dawgs 9

Tigahs 25

Western Carolina @ Georgia (NL), 1

EGM

Georgia looked young and outcoached last week. The Spur-Dog just needed a couple years in Columbia to get his Dawg neutering license. Seriously, does everyone in the SEC schedule the Catamounts?

7^th in the SEC East 0

Dawgs 52

ML

The Cats take on the Dawgs, who are down in the dumps after being upset by their archenemy, Spurrier. I had half an eye on this game, and the Cocks’ Hogs pushed around UGA’s D-Line pretty easily up front. In fact, they allowed less penetration than Mother Teresa.

Mount these Cats 3

Since the score doesn’t matter, I pick 4

CB

Sorry, but any team that plays Western Carolina in this day and age…what’s that? We played them last year? Shit! Gonna go out on a limb here, I think the Dawgs are gonna score a few TDs, unlike last week hehe.

WC 10

Jawga 47

Tennessee @ Florida (-8), 3:30

EGM

This game features a ton of young skill players behind stud offensive lines playing against green defenses. I smell some points. But will the Vols have what it takes to keep up with slightly hobbled Gators in the Swam? I think not. The Vols had their chance last year and blew it. The Gators will pull away in the third quarter when their O-Line begins to dominate. If Ainge or Tebow get hurt, this could get ugly in either direction.

Phil hates Urban 21

Urban loves Phil 38

ML

If you want to get fired up, go to YouTube and type “Joey Kent & Lawrence Wright,” then watch the ensuing carnage. This is a weird line, no one seems to think either defense has a prayer at stopping either offense. I, however, have tremendous vibes about this game. Helping things is UF’s plan to have a 20 minute ceremony to honor the back-to-back basketball champs. (Cuzzin’ Bailey, basketball is the game with the big round leather ball and two iron rims). The Swamp will be at a fever pitch at kickoff, and it will continue throughout the game. The Vols need to stay in it early and try to quiet the crowd. I don’t see it happening.

Ainge, a name best left for basketball 17

Tebow, a name without peer 41

CB

Uh, can you say game of the freaking week! Two green defenses against two offenses that everyone knows can put points on the board. I’ll be honest, I’m worried. Not cause our D is unproven and young, and not cause we have a few injuries that would seem major on a team less stacked than the Gators, but because this is an SEC game and its my favorite team, nothing comes easy for the Gators. In 2001 (my last home game as a UF student), UT ran all over us behind Travis Stephens, and while I kept telling myself and anyone who would listen that we would eventually stop him, we did not and lost in a shootout of sorts. I am worried because of that. But then I think back to the 1995 game, I was there, it was raining, the Vols were up huge in the first half but then as if summoned by the rain, the Gator Offense exploded for 48 straight points and Peyton Manning went home a loser again hehe. I guess my point is, if it’s a shootout its anyone’s game, but I like Timmy Tebow’s confidence. He has seen those games as well, he knows what this game means, he’s been there. By the way, ESPN.com called him Jeff Tebow? Where is that moron living? Ramble much?

Nice way to spell “Erik” you hick 23

Tim is easy to spell J-E-F-F 33

Arkansas @ Alabama (-3), 6:45

EGM

This is an intriguing matchup. The Hawgs had no business winning last year and the game proved to be the motivator they needed to win the West. However, Bamer went totally downhill after this game and lost to every team with a pulse (no, Ole Miss does not have a pulse). This game will feature lots of running with Satan choosing to bring back the Bear Bryant offense. The difference is John Parker Wilson, who has been tested and actually thrown for more than 125 yards in a game. Casey Dick is terrible and had 991 yards TOTAL last year. Come to think about it, this is an easy pick.

McFadden + Jones – Dick = 17

Grant +Wilson = 24

ML

It seems like whoever wins this game is a contender for the West title, and the loser is destined for a trip to lovely Shreveport and the Independence Bowl. In fact, this motivational tactic seems like an untapped resource. If I were Satan or Nutt I’d find Independence Day brochures and stock video from the Shreveport Tourism Department. Distribute these materials to your team before the game and watch them play like a pack of crazed dogs.

Hog wild about avoiding Shreveport 21

It’s like Birmingham, but worse! 17

CB

So I suppose this is the SEC West Game of the week. Someone said earlier this week that this game will determine who will battle LSU for the West. Uh the winner of this will be the one lucky enough to get their hopes up right up until the time that LSU runs all over them. In regards to the game itself, I don’t see why a phenomenal running offense will have any effect against the supernatural powers of Satan himself. Well that is of course if Nick Saban is in fact Lucifer. I have a new theory. While he maintains many of the same qualities or shall I say similarities of the Dark Prince, I feel this is all just a ruse. An old wives’ tale meant to scare little children into believing that Nick is the greatest defensive coach of all time. “Eat all of your vegetables or else Saban will come at you with a zone blitz package while you sleep!” says the mother, well we’re not buying it. 3-4 may be the best way to stop the run, but 4.3 speed is what the Hogs RBs have going for them. I like the Razorbacks in this one cause I’m trying to grow some balls with my picks.

Noah’s Kansas (get it, Ark?) 25

Bamer 24

Ole Miss @ Vanderbilt (-5), 7

EGM

Ole Miss has proven to have a much better offense than I thought. BenJarvus Green-Ellis has proven to have more qualities than just an awesome name. Vandy really disappointed me last week, but I should have expected Satan to bury them. Nickson performed very poorly and Earl Bennett did not have his usual game. I look for those two to get hot against a craptacular Reb defense. Vandy really has no home field advantage to speak of and after last week their defense is not excellent at stopping the run. So…NO COVER.

BenJarvus can only do so much 24

Nickson to Bennett 27

ML

The Rebs just got smoked at home by Chase Daniel and his Mizzou Entourage, and now they face the ‘Dores, who are smarting after a beating from Bama. This game isn’t even mediocre enough to garner attention from the channel formerly known as Jefferson Pilot.

Orgeron???? More like Orge-gonna-be-gone 14

When does Bobby Johnson upgrade? 20

CB

While I didn’t pick the ‘Dores to win or cover last week, I did pick them to have a better game than they did. I was pretty dead on with Ole Miss. They fucking suck, which means that next week’s game against UF will probably be the game they show up for damnit! I’m gonna be there, so if they are willing to negotiate for a UF “W”, I’m listening. Regardless, this game here is gonna blow. It’s at the crapatorium the Commodores’ call home, Vandy’s favored and it’s at night? What the bloody hell? I had this pegged for a standard Lincoln Financial game. A primetime game in Nashville, what is the world coming to? There are too many Honky Tonk bars to go to.

How’s my hair look? 15

How’s my pocket protector look? 25

South Carolina State @ South Carolina (NL), 7

EGM

This is the second Bulldog opponent in a row for the Cocks. There is nothing else interesting about this game.

Bulldogs 0

Cocks 51

ML

College Football Live (my new favorite show) had a montage of Spurrier pour-mouths that would make 1990ish Lou Holtz proud. SC State is in the MEAC, best known for being relegated to March Madness’ play-in game.

Bulldogs…real original name 6

Cocks…real phallic name 31

CB

I’m gonna go out on a limb here and assume that SC State is a historically black college (HBC). The name just has that written all over it. The Gamecocks certainly deserve a breather game after going into Athens and coming out victorious.

SCS 3

USC 43

Louisville @ Kentucky (+6.5), 7:30

EGM

This will be a fun game to watch. The likely top two choices at the QB position in the 2008 NFL Draft, some stud receivers, decent running backs and absolutely no defense whatsoever. I haven’t looked at the over for this game but I’m betting its high. Louisville doesn’t appear to score as much away from the Papa. Kentucky should be pretty fired up because they actually won a bowl game last year and they have a shot in this game for once. This game got ugly quick last year and Louisville ran the shit out of the ball. I’m betting Kentucky avoids all that and wins this game outright. I really can’t believe I just typed that but I’ll go with it.

Brohm 28

Woodson 34

ML

Man, Louisville’s D looked like Card-shit against the Blue Raiders of MTSU. Kentucky continues to roll, yet they are home dogs. These are the kinds of games Kentucky always loses. They have the chance to knock off a top 10 team at home and cement their status as the “frisky.” My heart is telling me to go against the Kats, but after watching that Cardinal defense, I can’t lay 6.5 points at home.

Giving up too many points 31

Getting too many points, but losing 27

CB

Don’t have much to say here. Looks like the team that UK used to call their little brother is learning how to short sheet the Cats bed. Kentucky used to be a football powerhouse, wait no they didn’t, and Louisville has been decent for quite a while now. This isn’t a shocker (so to speak) at all. Neither team appears to have a defense that actually knows the game of football so look for this one to be very high scoring.

Cards 55

Kensucky 45

Middle Tennessee State @ LSU (-40), 8

EGM

My first thought when I saw the line on this game: “That’s not enough”

Blue Raiders 7

Cajuns 51

ML

This is a crazy line. Vegas must have a ton of respect for LSU, or no respect for Louisville. As alluded to above, MTSU racked up a ton of points in L-ville, yet they are getting 40 points in Baton Rouge. I know LSU looked good, but I just can’t lay this many points.

Making The Spread U 14

Red Sticks 48

CB

This should be a no line game, but alas. Is it possible that LSU is gonna jump on three teams in a row by at least 40 points? That is what it’s looking like and that has to be a big deal. Too bad the Cats are gonna lose to UF in a few weeks, I guess we’ll let them enjoy this BS win for a while.

MTSU (sounds like a Gov’t agency) 6

Tigres 50

Non-SEC Game of the Week:

USC @ Nebraska (+10), 8

EGM

Nebraska is much better than they were the previous few years but they are not USC. The only chance they would have in this game is if USC turns the ball over at least three times and if that happened I still think USC would win. The Trojans are very good and absolutely loaded with talent but they looked a little lethargic playing against Idaho. After seeing what USC did to Arkansas last year, I can’t in good conscience pick Nebraska.

Bad NFL Coach 31

Decent NFL Coach 17

ML

If you listen to Jim Rome, you have no doubt been entertained by the email war going on between Trojan fan and Husker nation. The stereotypical synopses each fan base has for the other are hysterical. We also have two former NFL coaches. One coach went to the Super Bowl, while the other did nothing with two different teams. In college, one has multiple National Titles, and the other has failed to win a conference title. I think this shows Nebraska should get back to paying players. After all, corn fields, Tornadoes, and “the Big Sky” are not going to attract the Reggie Bush’s of the world.

Beaches and $$$$ = 34

Corn fields and no $$$$$ = 13

CB

This was one play away from not being the game of the Bourbon Boys week, and certainly not being the ESPN Gameday game of the gameday. Say the Huskers lose to Wake last week, they are out of the top … um whatever they are close to, the line turns to shit and this turns into another guaranteed romp on USC’s unbeaten trail, til they face some average Pac-10 team late in the year and meltdown per usual. This is another example of how this line is totally junk and based entirely on Nebraska’s record. I am gonna risk my reputation on this and say that this won’t be close.

Pete Carroll’s a cheater 35

Once a good team 15