Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Week V

Cuzzin’ Bailey

You know what, I hadn’t been to an SEC road win since 2003. Albeit I didn’t make it to any games in 04 but I was starting to think that I was the bad luck charm as I was at the 97 loss to LSU, the 98 missed field goal at UT, the Mississippi State mess in 00, Bama and USC in 05 and Auburn in 06. So for some reason I had high confidence that we were gonna smoke the Rebels and come away with a 28 point win. I need to have my fucking head examined obviously. I was giving points last week to everyone. I called a few big ones ala Kentucky and UGA but my knowledge or should I say lack thereof of Big 10 football shone through. Well this week our Non-SEC Game of the Week is from the Big East, sweet, a conference I know even less about…

El Gran Mono

This week in college football is sort of the calm before the storm…unless someone loses that shouldn’t – LSU and/or Florida. I really can’t believe we are still seeing shitbox non-conference games but I guess that’s why the NCAA added the 12^th game. So the SEC could distribute some of their spoils to the Sun Belt. I went 6-1 last week and I expect nothing less this week.

Malt Licker

Hey little girl is your daddy home

Did he go away and leave you all alone

I got a bad desire

Whooooo-ooooo-aaaa im on fire

Tell me now baby is he good to you

Can he do to you the things that I do

I can take you higher

Whoooo-oooo-aaaa im on fire

I had to turn to the Boss to best encapsulate my performance picking games thus far. I’ve been tearing up the pick against the spread, yet have been unable to garner enough breathing room to leave my cohorts in the dust. Sort of like how UF played against the Rebs last week. I just heard that USF has officially registered their first sellout. They better not tear up the field of my beloved NFC South leading Buccaneers.

Saturday, September 29, 2007

Mississippi State @ South Carolina (-14), 12:30

CB

The Cocks are sitting their douchebag QB for some chap I know nothing about which Iin my humble opinion can only be a good thing. Blake Mitchell was the biggest shithead I had ever seen, and I can’t believe it was a good thing that he was ready to go at the beginning of the season. Meanwhile, in an even more redneck part of the south (if you can believe it), the MSU Bulldogs are coming off a “victory”. Not that they didn’t win, but they played Gardner-Webb, which sounds like a law firm, so while the result was never in doubt, should it really even count? Regardless, here we have two of the more “Red” (redneck) schools in their respective divisions facing off in Columbia. I like the spread, I think that Spurrier has got too much actual coaching ability to let the shitbox dawgs have their way with the cocks, but shit, this is the SEC damnit, I hate this second-guessing crap… I’m going with USC. That’s final.

MSU 15

USC 30

EGM

Hooray, Michael Henig is no longer the starter for Miss State. Yes, that makes me happy because watching highlights of his awful throws makes me dry heave. The Cocks are coming off a disappointing loss where the Cajuns completely shut down their offense. It was raining and they were playing a green-ass QB but they still looked pretty bad. Miss State has an average defense and should stay in the game if they don’t turn the ball over. OBC just doesn’t have the horses to lay on the points this year.

Less bad without Henig 14

Click, Clack, No Cover 27

ML

Holy Shit! MSU is 3-1!!!! Sly Croom is making a push for a bowl game. Standing in his way is Spur-Dog and Smelley Cock. Spur-Dog decided to bench Blakey, and bring in Chris Smelley. The Bourbon Boys have been salivating at the prospect of using this name. Unfortunately, all I could come up with was Smelley Cock. It’s been a long week. Spurrier only has trouble with MSU in Starkville. This is Columbia

Sly’s Pooches 10

Spurrier’s genius 28

Louisiana State @ Tulane (+40), 1

CB

Look I understand that LSU is the best team in the world and certainly didn’t need a miracle run after catch and a fake field goal to beat the Gamecocks last week, oh wait yea they did. Man, that reminds me, some broad in the Memphis Airport on Sunday was talking to a complete stranger about how she hopes the Gators move down in the polls cause we struggled with Ole Miss, etc. My first thought was, she’s an ignorant bayou bitch who don’t know better, but my second thought was to tell her (in a sardonic tone) that its not that easy to play on the road in the SEC. She was not amused, and the stranger got up and left, I hope I didn’t ruin some Airport rendezvous she had planned. Oh yea, 40 points? It seems like a lot, especially for a team that has the Gators in a week, I think big win, but count me out on the 40.

LSU 45

Tulane 10

EGM

I’m guessing the Superdome will be filled with drunk ass Cajuns. Just a hunch…

Red Stick 49

Brown Wave 3

ML

Les Miles seems to be mimicking Urban with his use of Ryan Perrileaux, aka the black tebeaux. I can’t think of anything else to say about this mismatch, so I’ll say something offensive. This game is being played at the Superdome, which I hear is a great shelter from waves. Unfortunately, if you are there this Saturday, you have to watch the Green Wave.

Les Sucks U 44

Bleauxn Away 2

Ole Miss @ Georgia (-15), 1

CB

Here we go; time for the talk about how UF couldn’t beat Ole Miss by a TD, but UGA is favored by 15. I challenge any team in the SEC to go into Oxford last weekend and beat the snot out of the Rebs. They were playing off their asses and to be honest that’s what this conference is all about, Showing up. UGA showed up hardcore last weekend having the wherewithal to beat the Tide in Tuscaloosa in OT at NIGHT. Hate to say it, but my hat goes off to them. But now they have another (pseudo)tough SEC meeting but now its at home. I like Jawga’s energy, I like that they probably have regained faith in themselves, and I like that Ole Miss will probably be wiped out after that battle royale last Saturday. But I’m gonna go against common sense here cause I think the Rebels have some players and lets be honest, I didn’t impress anyone with my picks last weekend.

Ole Miss 16

UGA 26

EGM

Ole Miss and Georgia both have serviceable offenses but the Rebs are pretty terrible defensively. The defensive edge and playing the game between the hedges adds up to more than two touchdowns. Seth Adams looked pretty good last week against UF’s safteyless defense but I’m betting Richt watched all of the game tape from a flat screen in his tanning bed. The over/under on the percentage of douchebags with unkempt hair at this game is at 85%.

BenJarvus 14

Knowshon 31

ML

The Orgeron’s best performance at Ole Miss was last week, a loss. That really tells you all you need to know. The Dawgs should have a Cuzzin Bailey sized hangover after that wild win in Tuscaloosa last week. The “Prick” Richt needs to make sure his Dawgs avoid a let-down in Athens, but UGA always seems to play down to their competition, especially between the hedges.

Same Ole Mess 14

No Coverage 24

Florida Atlantic @ Kentucky (-23.5), 1

CB

A somewhat popular opponent this year for teams hoping for a cupcake. I can’t believe I’m gonna say this, but I actually have respect for Kentucky these days. They went to Fayetteville last weekend and beat the Razorbacks. That is pretty tough. But I also know they have no defense. While they are playing some jerknut team, their D may not know the difference. I like the Cats offense so much that I am willing to throw caution into the wind this weekend, but if they let me down I may never recover my faith in the old Kentucky home.

FAU 14

Kentucky 40

EGM

Fun Facts: Howard Schnellenberger went to Kentucky. Florida Atlantic is located in Boca Raton. An owl is no match for a wildcat.

Not in Minnesota anymore 14

Kentucky in the Top 15? 42

ML

Howie Schnels brings his owls back to Kentucky to face a top 15????? team not playing basketball in Lexington. Rich Brooks was just on Jim Rome’s show talking about how the SEC has 4 of 5 teams as good as Southern Cal. Now, you won’t find a bigger SEC mark than me, but Richie is either drunk on success, Maker’s Mark, or both. After he witnesses his team fail to contain Rusty Smith and cover this spread, he may be singing a different tune.

Hooters 34

Ken-sucky 40

Alabama vs. Florida State (-2), @ Jacksonville, 5

CB

This game is so goddamn exciting; I don’t care where my loyalties lie. I pretty much hate both teams but I can’t disregard a quality match-up. Plus, when either team loses, then I won’t give a shit. I guess when I look at this line, I think, “shit, I haven’t watch’t FSU in a few weeks,” cause damn yall (oh nice, I’ve been drinking so here comes the faux-southern accent), they didn’t look as good as any respectable SEC team. Bama, had two close games at home, aginst (sic) quality SEC teams and went 1-1. FSU, oh yea, had last week off, cause I was like, “I seriously hadn’t watched their shit” etc. Anyways, yea, they barely beat Colorado, and that warrants a 2 point favorite over Bama? Sure this ain’t the Bear’s Bama, but its still Bama. That was a game to see how many times I could say Bama. Hey, what do maggots and Alabama fans have in common? They both can live off a dead Bear for 30 years. (crickets) Tough crowd. Roll TIDE!

Bama bitch 18

FSUcks 15

EGM

Why are they playing this game in Jacksonville? To pretend it has the tradition of Florida-Georgia? To boost sales at the Landing? To prevent Bobby Bowden from getting trounced by his former school at home? Amazingly, these two teams haven't met since 1974 . When they finally meet again, only one of the teams is in the top 25. Strange. Bama has actual offensive talent and FSU has none. That’s the difference in this game. This game is like a gift, similar to free clothing at Dillard’s.

SEC 24

ACC 10

ML

Is there any doubt which team’s fan base will have higher attendance in Jax? It’s good to know that Bama fans traveling from Birmingham will feel right at home when they smell Jacksonville. F$U fans will be relieved to know that there is only one place for their players to hang out and get in beer brawls. The Landing’s highly concentrated party zone will make it easy to monitor their players. Unfortunately, Bobby goes to bed at 8 pm.

Bamer 25

Bobby could be ruining Bama now

if Bill Curry wasn’t hired 14

Eastern Michigan @ Vanderbilt (-20), 6

CB

(Insert my lack of knowledge of Eastern here). Well I hear Vandy…wait they had last week off too? Shit its fucking E. Michigan. I say Vandy rolls, just cause I have no idea.

EMU haha emu 14

Vandy 40

EGM

Eastern Michigan is located in Ypsilanti, which is smack in between Detroit and Ann Arbor. Could it get any worse?

MAC Morons 10

SEC Smarties 31

ML

The Dores will use the extra time from the week off to devise plays that will help them cover.

Eagles??? 9

Doors 31

North Texas @ Arkansas (-35), 7

CB

I guess this is the sacrificial lamb to try and revive Arkansas after dropping two straight conference games. I’ll take the 35 cause I think they are out for blood.

NT 10

Ark 55

EGM

The Mean Green are off to a terrible start with their high school coach. I’m guessing he didn’t see a lot of players like Darren McFadden and Felix Jones in high school.

Mean doesn’t mean good 10

500 yard rushing 49

ML

The only thing interesting about this game is where North Texas came up with their nickname. According to Wikipedia, they are named after alum and NFL Hall of Famer Mean Joe Greene. While this may be dubious, Mean Joe did attend North Texas, so I will accept this theory. The only question, why aren’t they called the Mean Greene?

NTU 7

Nutt 48

Auburn @ Florida (-18.5), 8

CB

I get it that we played like shit last week, and I get it that Auburn is traditionally tough etc. But I have had just enough Jack to forget about tradition and such. I think last week was a combination of a few minor details with our offense and the fact that we still have a young defense who was playing in difficult situations (offense struggling, hot weather, hostile-ish field, refs who suck more than your mom). The last time we lost to Auburn at home, Terry Bowden was the coach and the players were Pat Dye’s, and the Tigers had won like 18 straight. That is the not the case this time. I predict Tommy Tuberville to go for several 4^th and “Don’t do its” as well as one fake something. I don’t mean to say they are desperate but let’s be honest, when you have an offense as ugly as that, you kind of have to be. (Thank you Rodney Dangerfield). Prediction: Gators/Points

Awbun 13

FLORIDA 45

EGM

REVENGE. That’s what this game is all about. The Gators should be angry about losing to an average Plainsmen team last year. BranDONE Cox is still the starter and he’s still terrible. I keep hearing that he plays great in big games. Really? The Plainsmen rang up a grand total of one touchdown on LSU and Florida last year. That’s great? I hope he plays great this Saturday. The pathetic Plainsmen offense will be the cure for the UF secondary.

But we played great! 10

Bring on the Cajuns 34

ML

It was too close for comfort last week as the Gators jumped on St. Tebow’s benevolent back to hold off the Rebs. Thankfully, the worst QB in the conference is who Tooberville will be calling upon to break Urban’s winning streak at home. I think noise will be enough to distract Brandon “Mr. Midol” Cox, but a pass rush would be nice too.

Hey Brandon, what’s that string peeking

Out from your jock? 16

Revenge, a dish best served cold, or in front

90K+ 41

Tennessee – OFF

CB

It sickens me to say this, but I guess Phil will be spending his time in the gym this weekend…oh, and by “the gym”, I mean little boys.

EGM

Is it possible for your secondary to get burned while on a bye week?

ML

Time to regroup for a return to the Outback Bowl.

Non-SEC Game of the Week

West Virginia @ South Florida (+7), Friday, 8

CB

I have never been a huge supporter of USF. That’s pretty much my point. I mean I understand that a bunch of folks including some close friends went there, etc, but I don’t really feel any loyalty towards the Bulls, no one ever asked me for the support so they got none. They are rivals in recruiting, which is something locals will tell you is “something I should disregard”, pretty much what I heard about when Spurrier took over at South Carolina. “Oh don’t worry about that, it doesn’t have anything to do with us.” What the fuck? Not a fan of an up and coming University in a Major recruiting state. The only folks that’ll tell you that’s good for UF are the ones who don’t give a shit. West Virginia is a good team, they aren’t a shit box Auburn, or never has been UNC. This is a real game and Grothe looks more skittish in the pocket than Jamarcus Russell on a bad day.

West Vagina 24

USF 15

EGM

I attended this game the last time it was played in Ray J. That didn’t turn out so well for the Bulls. However, last year in Morgantown the Bulls pulled out the upset. WVU has no passing game whatsoever and the Bulls aren’t much better. The Bulls definitely have the better defense. WVU can run the hell out of the ball. So why the +7, I kinda figured +2 or +3. I still would have taken the Bulls. If the USF defense stays at home on the WVU playaction/off tackle play they should win easily. My guess is that they miss it a few times but still pull out the win at the home of the 2-1 Buccaneers!

End of Slaton/White for Heisman 17

Possible Big East Champs 24

ML

Will USF know what to do with an actual crowd at Raymond James on Friday night against the Mountaineers? Will Jim Leavitt finally realize that his haircut is terrible? Will the Bulls front 7 be able to slow down White, Slaton & Devine? Will Matt Grothe’s visage be enshrined into the douche-bag hall of fame? Do I care? Will this selection begin a perfect week for the Malt Licker against the spread?

Mountain-queers 34

Bullzzzzzzzz 21