Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Week V

Cuzzin’ Bailey

You know what, I hadn’t been to an SEC road win since 2003. Albeit I didn’t make it to any games in 04 but I was starting to think that I was the bad luck charm as I was at the 97 loss to LSU, the 98 missed field goal at UT, the Mississippi State mess in 00, Bama and USC in 05 and Auburn in 06. So for some reason I had high confidence that we were gonna smoke the Rebels and come away with a 28 point win. I need to have my fucking head examined obviously. I was giving points last week to everyone. I called a few big ones ala Kentucky and UGA but my knowledge or should I say lack thereof of Big 10 football shone through. Well this week our Non-SEC Game of the Week is from the Big East, sweet, a conference I know even less about…

El Gran Mono

This week in college football is sort of the calm before the storm…unless someone loses that shouldn’t – LSU and/or Florida. I really can’t believe we are still seeing shitbox non-conference games but I guess that’s why the NCAA added the 12^th game. So the SEC could distribute some of their spoils to the Sun Belt. I went 6-1 last week and I expect nothing less this week.

Malt Licker

Hey little girl is your daddy home

Did he go away and leave you all alone

I got a bad desire

Whooooo-ooooo-aaaa im on fire

Tell me now baby is he good to you

Can he do to you the things that I do

I can take you higher

Whoooo-oooo-aaaa im on fire

I had to turn to the Boss to best encapsulate my performance picking games thus far. I’ve been tearing up the pick against the spread, yet have been unable to garner enough breathing room to leave my cohorts in the dust. Sort of like how UF played against the Rebs last week. I just heard that USF has officially registered their first sellout. They better not tear up the field of my beloved NFC South leading Buccaneers.

Saturday, September 29, 2007

Mississippi State @ South Carolina (-14), 12:30

CB

The Cocks are sitting their douchebag QB for some chap I know nothing about which Iin my humble opinion can only be a good thing. Blake Mitchell was the biggest shithead I had ever seen, and I can’t believe it was a good thing that he was ready to go at the beginning of the season. Meanwhile, in an even more redneck part of the south (if you can believe it), the MSU Bulldogs are coming off a “victory”. Not that they didn’t win, but they played Gardner-Webb, which sounds like a law firm, so while the result was never in doubt, should it really even count? Regardless, here we have two of the more “Red” (redneck) schools in their respective divisions facing off in Columbia. I like the spread, I think that Spurrier has got too much actual coaching ability to let the shitbox dawgs have their way with the cocks, but shit, this is the SEC damnit, I hate this second-guessing crap… I’m going with USC. That’s final.

MSU 15

USC 30

EGM

Hooray, Michael Henig is no longer the starter for Miss State. Yes, that makes me happy because watching highlights of his awful throws makes me dry heave. The Cocks are coming off a disappointing loss where the Cajuns completely shut down their offense. It was raining and they were playing a green-ass QB but they still looked pretty bad. Miss State has an average defense and should stay in the game if they don’t turn the ball over. OBC just doesn’t have the horses to lay on the points this year.

Less bad without Henig 14

Click, Clack, No Cover 27

ML

Holy Shit! MSU is 3-1!!!! Sly Croom is making a push for a bowl game. Standing in his way is Spur-Dog and Smelley Cock. Spur-Dog decided to bench Blakey, and bring in Chris Smelley. The Bourbon Boys have been salivating at the prospect of using this name. Unfortunately, all I could come up with was Smelley Cock. It’s been a long week. Spurrier only has trouble with MSU in Starkville. This is Columbia

Sly’s Pooches 10

Spurrier’s genius 28

Louisiana State @ Tulane (+40), 1

CB

Look I understand that LSU is the best team in the world and certainly didn’t need a miracle run after catch and a fake field goal to beat the Gamecocks last week, oh wait yea they did. Man, that reminds me, some broad in the Memphis Airport on Sunday was talking to a complete stranger about how she hopes the Gators move down in the polls cause we struggled with Ole Miss, etc. My first thought was, she’s an ignorant bayou bitch who don’t know better, but my second thought was to tell her (in a sardonic tone) that its not that easy to play on the road in the SEC. She was not amused, and the stranger got up and left, I hope I didn’t ruin some Airport rendezvous she had planned. Oh yea, 40 points? It seems like a lot, especially for a team that has the Gators in a week, I think big win, but count me out on the 40.

LSU 45

Tulane 10

EGM

I’m guessing the Superdome will be filled with drunk ass Cajuns. Just a hunch…

Red Stick 49

Brown Wave 3

ML

Les Miles seems to be mimicking Urban with his use of Ryan Perrileaux, aka the black tebeaux. I can’t think of anything else to say about this mismatch, so I’ll say something offensive. This game is being played at the Superdome, which I hear is a great shelter from waves. Unfortunately, if you are there this Saturday, you have to watch the Green Wave.

Les Sucks U 44

Bleauxn Away 2

Ole Miss @ Georgia (-15), 1

CB

Here we go; time for the talk about how UF couldn’t beat Ole Miss by a TD, but UGA is favored by 15. I challenge any team in the SEC to go into Oxford last weekend and beat the snot out of the Rebs. They were playing off their asses and to be honest that’s what this conference is all about, Showing up. UGA showed up hardcore last weekend having the wherewithal to beat the Tide in Tuscaloosa in OT at NIGHT. Hate to say it, but my hat goes off to them. But now they have another (pseudo)tough SEC meeting but now its at home. I like Jawga’s energy, I like that they probably have regained faith in themselves, and I like that Ole Miss will probably be wiped out after that battle royale last Saturday. But I’m gonna go against common sense here cause I think the Rebels have some players and lets be honest, I didn’t impress anyone with my picks last weekend.

Ole Miss 16

UGA 26

EGM

Ole Miss and Georgia both have serviceable offenses but the Rebs are pretty terrible defensively. The defensive edge and playing the game between the hedges adds up to more than two touchdowns. Seth Adams looked pretty good last week against UF’s safteyless defense but I’m betting Richt watched all of the game tape from a flat screen in his tanning bed. The over/under on the percentage of douchebags with unkempt hair at this game is at 85%.

BenJarvus 14

Knowshon 31

ML

The Orgeron’s best performance at Ole Miss was last week, a loss. That really tells you all you need to know. The Dawgs should have a Cuzzin Bailey sized hangover after that wild win in Tuscaloosa last week. The “Prick” Richt needs to make sure his Dawgs avoid a let-down in Athens, but UGA always seems to play down to their competition, especially between the hedges.

Same Ole Mess 14

No Coverage 24

Florida Atlantic @ Kentucky (-23.5), 1

CB

A somewhat popular opponent this year for teams hoping for a cupcake. I can’t believe I’m gonna say this, but I actually have respect for Kentucky these days. They went to Fayetteville last weekend and beat the Razorbacks. That is pretty tough. But I also know they have no defense. While they are playing some jerknut team, their D may not know the difference. I like the Cats offense so much that I am willing to throw caution into the wind this weekend, but if they let me down I may never recover my faith in the old Kentucky home.

FAU 14

Kentucky 40

EGM

Fun Facts: Howard Schnellenberger went to Kentucky. Florida Atlantic is located in Boca Raton. An owl is no match for a wildcat.

Not in Minnesota anymore 14

Kentucky in the Top 15? 42

ML

Howie Schnels brings his owls back to Kentucky to face a top 15????? team not playing basketball in Lexington. Rich Brooks was just on Jim Rome’s show talking about how the SEC has 4 of 5 teams as good as Southern Cal. Now, you won’t find a bigger SEC mark than me, but Richie is either drunk on success, Maker’s Mark, or both. After he witnesses his team fail to contain Rusty Smith and cover this spread, he may be singing a different tune.

Hooters 34

Ken-sucky 40

Alabama vs. Florida State (-2), @ Jacksonville, 5

CB

This game is so goddamn exciting; I don’t care where my loyalties lie. I pretty much hate both teams but I can’t disregard a quality match-up. Plus, when either team loses, then I won’t give a shit. I guess when I look at this line, I think, “shit, I haven’t watch’t FSU in a few weeks,” cause damn yall (oh nice, I’ve been drinking so here comes the faux-southern accent), they didn’t look as good as any respectable SEC team. Bama, had two close games at home, aginst (sic) quality SEC teams and went 1-1. FSU, oh yea, had last week off, cause I was like, “I seriously hadn’t watched their shit” etc. Anyways, yea, they barely beat Colorado, and that warrants a 2 point favorite over Bama? Sure this ain’t the Bear’s Bama, but its still Bama. That was a game to see how many times I could say Bama. Hey, what do maggots and Alabama fans have in common? They both can live off a dead Bear for 30 years. (crickets) Tough crowd. Roll TIDE!

Bama bitch 18

FSUcks 15

EGM

Why are they playing this game in Jacksonville? To pretend it has the tradition of Florida-Georgia? To boost sales at the Landing? To prevent Bobby Bowden from getting trounced by his former school at home? Amazingly, these two teams haven't met since 1974 . When they finally meet again, only one of the teams is in the top 25. Strange. Bama has actual offensive talent and FSU has none. That’s the difference in this game. This game is like a gift, similar to free clothing at Dillard’s.

SEC 24

ACC 10

ML

Is there any doubt which team’s fan base will have higher attendance in Jax? It’s good to know that Bama fans traveling from Birmingham will feel right at home when they smell Jacksonville. F$U fans will be relieved to know that there is only one place for their players to hang out and get in beer brawls. The Landing’s highly concentrated party zone will make it easy to monitor their players. Unfortunately, Bobby goes to bed at 8 pm.

Bamer 25

Bobby could be ruining Bama now

if Bill Curry wasn’t hired 14

Eastern Michigan @ Vanderbilt (-20), 6

CB

(Insert my lack of knowledge of Eastern here). Well I hear Vandy…wait they had last week off too? Shit its fucking E. Michigan. I say Vandy rolls, just cause I have no idea.

EMU haha emu 14

Vandy 40

EGM

Eastern Michigan is located in Ypsilanti, which is smack in between Detroit and Ann Arbor. Could it get any worse?

MAC Morons 10

SEC Smarties 31

ML

The Dores will use the extra time from the week off to devise plays that will help them cover.

Eagles??? 9

Doors 31

North Texas @ Arkansas (-35), 7

CB

I guess this is the sacrificial lamb to try and revive Arkansas after dropping two straight conference games. I’ll take the 35 cause I think they are out for blood.

NT 10

Ark 55

EGM

The Mean Green are off to a terrible start with their high school coach. I’m guessing he didn’t see a lot of players like Darren McFadden and Felix Jones in high school.

Mean doesn’t mean good 10

500 yard rushing 49

ML

The only thing interesting about this game is where North Texas came up with their nickname. According to Wikipedia, they are named after alum and NFL Hall of Famer Mean Joe Greene. While this may be dubious, Mean Joe did attend North Texas, so I will accept this theory. The only question, why aren’t they called the Mean Greene?

NTU 7

Nutt 48

Auburn @ Florida (-18.5), 8

CB

I get it that we played like shit last week, and I get it that Auburn is traditionally tough etc. But I have had just enough Jack to forget about tradition and such. I think last week was a combination of a few minor details with our offense and the fact that we still have a young defense who was playing in difficult situations (offense struggling, hot weather, hostile-ish field, refs who suck more than your mom). The last time we lost to Auburn at home, Terry Bowden was the coach and the players were Pat Dye’s, and the Tigers had won like 18 straight. That is the not the case this time. I predict Tommy Tuberville to go for several 4^th and “Don’t do its” as well as one fake something. I don’t mean to say they are desperate but let’s be honest, when you have an offense as ugly as that, you kind of have to be. (Thank you Rodney Dangerfield). Prediction: Gators/Points

Awbun 13

FLORIDA 45

EGM

REVENGE. That’s what this game is all about. The Gators should be angry about losing to an average Plainsmen team last year. BranDONE Cox is still the starter and he’s still terrible. I keep hearing that he plays great in big games. Really? The Plainsmen rang up a grand total of one touchdown on LSU and Florida last year. That’s great? I hope he plays great this Saturday. The pathetic Plainsmen offense will be the cure for the UF secondary.

But we played great! 10

Bring on the Cajuns 34

ML

It was too close for comfort last week as the Gators jumped on St. Tebow’s benevolent back to hold off the Rebs. Thankfully, the worst QB in the conference is who Tooberville will be calling upon to break Urban’s winning streak at home. I think noise will be enough to distract Brandon “Mr. Midol” Cox, but a pass rush would be nice too.

Hey Brandon, what’s that string peeking

Out from your jock? 16

Revenge, a dish best served cold, or in front

90K+ 41

Tennessee – OFF

CB

It sickens me to say this, but I guess Phil will be spending his time in the gym this weekend…oh, and by “the gym”, I mean little boys.

EGM

Is it possible for your secondary to get burned while on a bye week?

ML

Time to regroup for a return to the Outback Bowl.

Non-SEC Game of the Week

West Virginia @ South Florida (+7), Friday, 8

CB

I have never been a huge supporter of USF. That’s pretty much my point. I mean I understand that a bunch of folks including some close friends went there, etc, but I don’t really feel any loyalty towards the Bulls, no one ever asked me for the support so they got none. They are rivals in recruiting, which is something locals will tell you is “something I should disregard”, pretty much what I heard about when Spurrier took over at South Carolina. “Oh don’t worry about that, it doesn’t have anything to do with us.” What the fuck? Not a fan of an up and coming University in a Major recruiting state. The only folks that’ll tell you that’s good for UF are the ones who don’t give a shit. West Virginia is a good team, they aren’t a shit box Auburn, or never has been UNC. This is a real game and Grothe looks more skittish in the pocket than Jamarcus Russell on a bad day.

West Vagina 24

USF 15

EGM

I attended this game the last time it was played in Ray J. That didn’t turn out so well for the Bulls. However, last year in Morgantown the Bulls pulled out the upset. WVU has no passing game whatsoever and the Bulls aren’t much better. The Bulls definitely have the better defense. WVU can run the hell out of the ball. So why the +7, I kinda figured +2 or +3. I still would have taken the Bulls. If the USF defense stays at home on the WVU playaction/off tackle play they should win easily. My guess is that they miss it a few times but still pull out the win at the home of the 2-1 Buccaneers!

End of Slaton/White for Heisman 17

Possible Big East Champs 24

ML

Will USF know what to do with an actual crowd at Raymond James on Friday night against the Mountaineers? Will Jim Leavitt finally realize that his haircut is terrible? Will the Bulls front 7 be able to slow down White, Slaton & Devine? Will Matt Grothe’s visage be enshrined into the douche-bag hall of fame? Do I care? Will this selection begin a perfect week for the Malt Licker against the spread?

Mountain-queers 34

Bullzzzzzzzz 21

Week V Slate of Games & GOTW Suggestions

The ATS standings have been updated. Everyone at 60% or better, damn the FEDS! The following lines are from pinnaclesports.com (for entertainment purposes only. My vote is for South Florida- West Virginia as the GOTW.

Saturday, September 29, 2007

Mississippi State @ South Carolina (-14), 12:30

Louisiana State @ Tulane (+40), 1

Ole Miss @ Georgia (-15), 1

Florida Atlantic @ Kentucky (-23.5), 1

Alabama vs. Florida State (-2), @ Jacksonville, 5

Eastern Michigan @ Vanderbilt (-20), 6

North Texas @ Arkansas (-35), 7

Auburn @ Florida (-18.5), 8

Non-SEC Game of the Week Suggestions

West Virginia @ South Florida (+7), Friday, 8

California @ Oregon (-4.5), 3:30

Clemson @ Georgia Tech (+3), 3:30

Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Week IV

Malt Licker

Wow…I think the Urban spread offense might work in the SEC. Anyone with any doubts might want to ask John Chavis. Just imagine what it will be like when Emmanuel Moody plays next year. There were a bunch of wild games in the SEC last week. Bama had some close calls go their way (shock of shocks) and UK staked their claim to ownership of the Bluegrass State.

Cuzzin’ Bailey

My God! I mean I’m sure that UT fans and critics alike will point to how shitty the Vols are this year, but come on! That game was freaking phenomenal! There’s nothing like beating Tennessee, but winning so convincingly so that the only complaint and argument they make is that we “ran up the score” is a beautiful thing. Now that that is over, we have to get down to this week’s business. It is time for the Gators to snap the jinx of the “Random SEC West Road Game.” I’m somewhat superstitious (although apparently not enough to NOT mention the jinx), and this year, I think we have the amulet (in the form of #15) to protect us from any vexation that the SEC West will conjure up this week. (Sorry, I went to a Wicca ceremony today, it was mesmerizing). I’m gonna be in Oxford this weekend so I will be sure to bring my rabbit’s foot, four leaf clover, and wolf’s bane...

El Gran Mono

Wow, I was so excited about the Gator win last week the local police tried to tazer me. On that note, I think you could tazer Tim Tebow and it would not affect him at all. I’m betting he’s not a rabid leftist either. Anyways, this week is a big step down from last week with only a few decent games but at least they are staggered so you can watch them all. As for the national scene, there are pretty much NO good games so we had to go with Penn State-Michigan. As for the answers to last week’s questions, only one is important, no scoring for CB, its like the ’97 defense is still there from his frosh year and Johnny Rutledge has about 10,000 tackles for loss.

Saturday, September 22, 2007

Florida @ Ole Miss (+21), 12:30

ML

Dem gator boys were hot! And so was the Swamp, apparently. It was a steamy day but I was so drunk on Crown, Coors Light and Beam that I didn’t notice. It’s also less steamy when you are putting a colossal beatdown on the hated Vols. Just think Vols fans, Ainge is probably the best QB you’ve had since Peyton, and you were still smoked in his senior year. The key to this game is coffee. If we make sure our guys get some decent coffee in time for the 9 AM start, we should be fine. There is more good news, since this game starts so early, Cuzzin Bailey will only be 3 times the legal limit rather than 5.

Call Juan Valdez 41

Orgeron on Coffee = 1 scary Cajun 14

CB

So, I’m sure you haven’t heard this at all this week, but apparently the Gators haven’t won in the State of Mississippi since 1994 and have lost like 5 out of the last 6 or something in the Magnolia State. (Warning: be prepared for bullshit-excuse laden group of comments here) These games include but are not limited to: 1992 – MSU, Shane Matthews’ mother had just passed away, and he threw 6 picks, we lose; 2000 – MSU, Spurrier punting on third down, bullshit unsportsmanlike on Gillespie, and our defense has us kickoff to open both halves, not good juju, we lose; 2002 – Ole Miss, Ron Zook, loss; 2004 – MSU, RON ZOOK, loss. These are just some examples how the Gators shot themselves in the foots (no, that can’t be right), but the ever-dragged-out point is that this year must be different. This isn’t a UF team with any (knock on wood) real issues to speak of, and Ole Miss I mean just plain SUCKS. I like the spread here, as it has increased by a TD since Monday…give them the points, we’re looking good.

UF 45

Ole Mess 13

EGM

After last week, many a Gator fan is riding a pretty sweet high. Ole Miss looks like a cakewalk. However, that analysis usually doesn’t factor in the SEC West Rotation Road Curse. Think about it, losses to less superior teams even with Meyer at the helm – Auburn, Alabama. Not good. Ole Miss doesn’t really play much defense as indicated by the Mizzou blowout so the Gators will score. But will they shut down BenJarvus? I’m guessing enough to win; however, 21 points is a lot on the road in roto West slot. Hopefully Cuzzin’ Bailey, Papa Gran Mono and Mean Gene can bring home the W.

Tebow’s first road win 34

Use your cover money for a haircut 14

South Carolina @ LSU (-16), 3:30

ML

Man….LSU is continuing to get a ton of respect. I admit that it is well-deserved, but man, laying 16 to SOS and his undefeated Cocks? That seems like a bit much. Spurrier needs to make sure his QB doesn’t do a Doug Johnson impersonation and get smashed this week. The key to a cover is Spurrier realizing he has to keep it on the ground and limit the opportunities for his drunken hayseed QB to make mistakes. If South Carolina keeps the turnover differential even, they’ll get the cover

2 drunken INTs 13

1 gumbo fumble 24

CB

This is a very tough game to pick. I mean, I of course have no idea: a) how hurt Early Doucet is (or that he was even hurt until a few days ago); b) how much it’ll matter that Matt Flynn didn’t play last week (him getting beat out for someone younger is nothing new); or c) how Spurrier’s group of b-team walk-ons will handle Death Valley. My initial thought was “not very well” but as the week has go on and I have recharged some brain cells from last weekend in Gainesville, I started to remember how I thought UGA would blow out the Cocks IN Athens. I was wrong then and I think I was (initially) wrong this week. USC may not win in Baton Rouge, but I am gonna go on a limb here and predict they beat the spread.

Cocks 15

LSU 25

EGM

Spur-Dog – 9-1 versus LSU with the one loss coming on a week where Dougy J thought drinking on the strip was more important than winning. That speaks volumes, especially when matched up against Les Miles. LSU has taken advantage of many turnovers by shitbox opposing QBs and turned them into instant scores. BUT South Carolina is the best team they have played and will shutdown the pathetic Cajun running game (you can only run the FB blast and HB toss so many times). I’m very close to picking the upset by the Ol’ Ball Coach but I just don’t think Phil Petty has enough brain cells to pull this one out.

OBC 13

Back to reality 20

Kentucky @ Arkansas (-6.5), 6

ML

The former basketball school is in the AP poll for the first time in two decades, and they are coming off their first win over a top 10 team in 30 years. Seriously though, if you beat a Big East team ranked in the top 10, shouldn’t there be some sort of statistical adjustment? Joe shithead pollster looks at the teams in that “conference” figures out who the best one will be and pencils in about 7 or 8 conference W’s. Then you add in 2 cupcake wins and you have 10 wins. Therefore Joe shithead pollster projects what their end record will be, and thinks they might beat the shitty ACC champ in an Orange Bowl that no one will watch. It’s science or something. So UK didn’t really beat a top ten team. Anyway, back to this game. I predict that UK will throw for 400 yards and Arkansas will run for 300.

Crashing back to the Bluegrass Earth 31

300+ rushing yards = cover 40

CB

Uh, can you say what the fuck? I certainly don’t want the Gators playing in Lexington right now. So I feel a little uneasy about this game from the Razorbacks point of view. That was my first thought before I realized that Louisville gave up 42 to Middle Tennessee State U in week one. (A team that LSU shut out). So clearly that hurt the Cards rep last weekend when the Cats beat the first ranked team in like many years (I have no idea). This game is gonna be a test of UK’s run defense (shocking I know). And this will be a test for Arkansas’ pass defense to redeem themselves for giving the game away last weekend to Bama. The Hogs scored against a sacred Nick Saban defense last week and there’s no way Kentucky has that going for them, but the passing game is what the Cats do best.

Kentucky 30

Arkansas 32

EGM

KY defended the honor of the SEC last week taking out Louisville in a game with very little defense. After watching Arkansas get burned time and again, I fully expect KY and Woodson to rack up just as many yards this week. The only problem is they will probably give up about 350+ on the ground. You just can’t win getting steamrolled like that. I still wouldn’t be shocked if they played another 7 OT game. At least this time I won’t have money on it, thanks to the Feds.

Airing it out 31

Grinding it out 38

New Mexico State @ Auburn (-17), 7

ML

Wow…Auburn should really be 0-3, that is all I know about this game. If they have any heart whatsoever they will cover this spread. New Mexico State has my favorite mascot from the EA NCAA Football franchise, “Pistol Pete.” He looks like he has TB, but that doesn’t prevent him from firing that Pistol

I’ll be your huckleberry 6

I bet there are a ton of douches at auburn named “Wyatt” 24

CB

Who the hell thinks that Auburn is good enough to beat anyone by 17 points these days?

Doesn’t everyone think that a quarterback is supposed to get at least a little bit better as he gets older? It’s like Brandon Cox is the Drew Weatherford of the SEC. I guess at night at Jordan-Hare Stadium, a scumbag foe like the Lobos would tremble in fear, so I’m tempted to take the spread. But then I realize that any one of Cox’s bonehead plays can turn this into a “good game.” 17 seems like too much for a team that just got beat by Mississippi State at home.

New Mehico State 17

Auburn 33

EGM

Auburn sucks. I thought they were better than Miss State but I was very wrong. I thought Cox could get it done against Sly Croom’s sad excuse for a team. WRONG AGAIN. Luckily they are bringing in a team that held its opponents to less than 20 points only twice last year. I have faith in Tubs to cover this game because if he doesn’t, then the usually reserved Plainsmen faithful might tie one on (two beers) and start calling for Pete Dye to return.

The other Aggies 10

Still not good 28

Gardner-Webb @ Mississippi State (NL), 7

ML

My man Johnny Cash received an honorary degree from Gardner-Webb. John Grisham went to MSU. This is the only advantage Gardner-Webb has in this game. You must really suck if you can’t get a line against Miss. St.

Walk the goalLine 3

YES THEY DESERVE TO LOSE

AND I HOPE THEY BURN IN HELL!!!!! 37

CB

Just disgraceful. Any team that doesn’t warrant a line against these Bulldogs deserves less attention from me than my teachers got.

Who were these guys? 2

MSU 15

EGM

Another D-IAA game. This is getting outrageous.

Runnin’ Bulldogs 3

Just plain Bulldogs 38

Arkansas State @ Tennessee (-18.5), 7

ML

Ugh…what a bogus game. Arkey State is nestled in a place called Crowley’s Ridge in Jonesboro. “Da Ridge” as locals call it, “is essentially an upland in the middle of an ocean of land. It is all that remains of once vast uplands that were as high as the Ozarks to the West. During the last glacial period there were enormous meltwaters that scoured this region. Crowley's Ridge, for a variety of reasons, survived this massive erosion, and remains today as testimony that something major happened here.” So there ya go, not only do you get a 70% success rate ATS, you get info on one of the most interesting geological formations of the Mississippi valley.

Do you like our Ridge? 10

Our Smokey Mountains are bigger,

And bigger is better, just ask your mom 31

CB

HEHE Its time for the Knoxville faithful to get up out of their seats and welcome back Neyland Stadium, the victorious…awwww hahaha, I mean the pathetic losers from the SEC East Showdown. Phat Phil should have stayed fat. This skinniness has gone to his head. As in he’s getting lightheaded and apparently its affecting his coaching, his recruiting and for God’s sake, its putting a lot of good fast food restaurants in Tennessee out of business. That bastard!

Ark State 10

UT 29

EGM

It appears that the Indians like to run the football. Too bad they can’t pass.

Native Americans 10

Still smarting 35

Georgia @ Alabama (-3.5), 7:45

ML

The Tide is laying more than a FG after their exciting victory over the Hawgs. Georgia didn’t look great against Directional Cupcake U last week. I honestly have no idea what to expect in this game. JP Wilson seems to be a pretty decent QB, as does Matthew Stafford. This is an absolute must-win for the Dawgs if they want to have any shot at the SEC Championship game. If Alabama doesn’t shore up their run defense, they be pummeled by a wave of UGA Tailbacks, led by Freshman Knowshon Moreno. I hear that Knowshon is Zulu for “Tote the Basket.” If he can tote the pigskin well enough, Stafford will be able to run some play action and pierce the hearts of Satan and Tide fans everywhere

Do you know me? You will now 27

Tide Overrun 23

CB

Gat Dang it! This is another one of those games that could totally go either way. I mean we’re in Bama who just beat the defending SEC West Champ, and we have Jawga that got beat at home by the Gamecocks but is still only a 3.5 underdog. Welcome to the SEC. UGA has only beaten two crapbox teams and lost to a division rival. That alone should call for a larger spread. That combined with the facts that this is a night game under the lights of Bryan-Denny, and Bama is undefeated makes this game seem damn impossible for the Bulldogs to win. So why am I picking them to beat the spread? Someone please stop me!!!! Thanks for nothing.

Come on Dawgs, don’t make me look stupider 17

Used up all the luck last week? 16

EGM

It’s official, Satan has Bama back on track…at least offensively. Georgia is sort of an enigma, everyone expected them to be good but when a tough Cocks squad shut them down, everyone gave up on them. Stafford can still play and they still have a stable of running backs. I believe that’s the recipe for success against a Bama team who couldn’t even stop Casey Dick last week. So Tide fans, put away your detergent and toilet paper because Satan still needs a couple years of recruiting.

Richt closed practice for a reason 31

Spent after last week 21

Vanderbilt – OFF

ML

Plenty of time to study

CB

I don’t have time for this, I have to pack for my trip to Mississippi. Vandy SUCKS!

EGM

Better buy extra batteries for the TI-85, its gonna be a big weekend.

Non-SEC Game of The Week

Penn State @ Michigan (+2.5), 3:30

ML

Well, if you based this game on each teams performance against Notre Dame, Michigan should be the favorite. I don’t know, but I have a feeling Michigan is going to win. They are back in the unimaginative Big 10 where they don’t have to face “athletic” QBs. In steps Anthony Morelli, poster child for New Jersey guidos everywhere. Apparently he is “better” this year. I’ll believe it when I see it….

Vanilla U 17

Meeeeeshigan 23

CB

Michigan, home dogs to a team they have dominated for quite a while. I really like Penn State’s defense, and I really don’t like that Michigan’s only win was against a shitbox team like Notre Dame. One thing that bothers me is all this “history” talk. How Penn State hasn’t beaten Michigan in almost 11 years and junk. I mean did UM open up with a home loss to a I-AA school all those other times? Was there dissention in the ranks all those other years? Was Lloyd Carr the most hated guy in the Mitten all those years? Were the Wolverines starting a freshman QB cause their Senior starter has a “suspicious” knee injury? Wow that’s a lot of questions. I guess I’m just trying to rationalize to myself how PSU is gonna win this game. It worked, I’m in.

Nittany Lions 33

Regular Wolverines 20

EGM

I would be picking Penn State all day if they ran the spread offense. They have a pretty studly defense and some great receivers, but for some reason they feel the need to play “Big 10 football”. You know, run it up the middle, win with defense if you can, all that trash. The reason Ohio State actually beat up on everybody last year was because they ran a version of the spread and nobody knew how to deal with it. I really, really hate Michigan. Especially since all their fans told the Gators how much we sucked last year. Um, you weren’t right and while were at it, Chad Henne sucks. I still gotta go with a team that will get the ball to its studs and that team is not Penn State.

Grutter 13

Bollinger 17

Slate of Games, Week IV, NSECGOTW Suggestion

Last week was pretty serious! This week provides less awesome games but it will still be fun. All lines are from pinnaclesports.com (for entertainment purposes only). Some feedback regarding the game of the week would be helpful given the lack of possibilities.

Saturday, September 22, 2007

Florida @ Ole Miss (+21), 12:30

South Carolina @ LSU (-16), 3:30

Kentucky @ Arkansas (-6.5), 6

New Mexico State @ Auburn (-17), 7

Gardner-Webb @ Mississippi State (NL), 7

Arkansas State @ Tennessee (-18.5), 7

Georgia @ Alabama (-3.5), 7:45

Vanderbilt – OFF

Non-SEC Game of The Week Suggestion

Penn State @ Michigan (+2.5), 3:30

Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Week III

El Gran Mono

I’m just gonna forget the first two weeks of the season and refer to this as opening week despite the continued presence of D-IAA teams. They need to ban teams from scheduling them. I’d rather see Buffalo, Central Michigan or one of the directional Lousiana teams. This week will answer many, many questions: 1) Are Florida’s young players for real? 2) Can Tennessee stop anyone? 3) Is Satan the difference in Alabama? 4) Will Houston Nutt run the ball 80 times in one game? 5) Does either Kentucky or Louisville play defense? and 6) Can Cuzzin’ Bailey score in Gainesville for the first time?. Stay tuned for the answers and a possible STD horror story.

Malt Licker

Well, the preseason for Gators fans is over, as we are about to begin SEC play and are poised to take on our hated rivals from the Smokeys. Auburn gave a boost to the Bulls from USF, making the recruiting trail that much more competitive for Urbs. I’m tempted to not mention my hot start, but if this continues I may quit my job and start a 900 number extolling the virtues of my prognostication and lamenting the fact that you can only (legally) borrow my wisdom if you live in Vegas. For now, I must bask in the glory of my dominance over El Gran Mono and Cuzzin’ Bailey.

Cuzzin’ Bailey

Ha, I was going to comment on how I was a respectable 7-3 last week, but then I realized that the games I missed were the only actual contests. I totally overestimated the “Georgia not sucking” factor, got “Burned” on the USF call, and completely thought that Va Tech had a chance. I hang my head in shame. Okay that’s over. Pardon me if my mind is somewhere else this week, I am heading up to Gainesville this weekend for the annual UF-UT match-up. Let’s all collectively pray that our spotty defense is up to the task this week, and that the loss of Bubba Caldwell isn’t as big a deal as I think it is…

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Mississippi State @ Auburn (-12.5), 12:30

EGM

Shitty. That’s how I would describe the QB play in this game. How has BranDONE Cox started for three years? He is absolutely terrible. The guy locks on receivers and has no ability to handle even a moderate rush. The Plainsmen defense continues to play well behind Quentin Groves and krew. That unit will completely shutdown Henig and the atrocious Miss State offense. The only way to watch this game is with a pint glass full of warm bourbon and a single shot pistol (for when the bourbon runs out). Just drinking alcohol while watching Auburn pisses their fans off.

Croom Firing Countdown Begins 3

Thanks for losing to USF 21

ML

Man…Brandon Cox sucks more than Jasmine St. Clair. Luckily, Pississippi State and their pathetic program, the ultimate salve to all losing wounds comes to the Plains. I don’t know anything about Auburn’s backup QB, but I have a feeling that if Brandon decides to try any more passes while simultaneously entering the fetal tuck, whoever he is will become a household name.

Blech U 6

Fetal Non-Alcohol Syndrome 27

CB

Being a huge Gator fan, I am completely spooked by the mystique that Jordan (pronounced Jerden)-Hare Stadium has over the Gators; therefore, after watching last weekend’s game, (I made it home for overtime) I don’t know what to think. Will we see the team that magically took control of the would-be National Champs (with some help from the refs) from last year, or will this be the team that got trounced by Arkansas, or beaten in OT by the USF Bulls? Notice I’m not talking about MSU? They are junk, I have no respect for them, I didn’t mean to give a backhanded complement to USF, they would destroy Miss State.

Dawgs 9

Tigahs 25

Western Carolina @ Georgia (NL), 1

EGM

Georgia looked young and outcoached last week. The Spur-Dog just needed a couple years in Columbia to get his Dawg neutering license. Seriously, does everyone in the SEC schedule the Catamounts?

7^th in the SEC East 0

Dawgs 52

ML

The Cats take on the Dawgs, who are down in the dumps after being upset by their archenemy, Spurrier. I had half an eye on this game, and the Cocks’ Hogs pushed around UGA’s D-Line pretty easily up front. In fact, they allowed less penetration than Mother Teresa.

Mount these Cats 3

Since the score doesn’t matter, I pick 4

CB

Sorry, but any team that plays Western Carolina in this day and age…what’s that? We played them last year? Shit! Gonna go out on a limb here, I think the Dawgs are gonna score a few TDs, unlike last week hehe.

WC 10

Jawga 47

Tennessee @ Florida (-8), 3:30

EGM

This game features a ton of young skill players behind stud offensive lines playing against green defenses. I smell some points. But will the Vols have what it takes to keep up with slightly hobbled Gators in the Swam? I think not. The Vols had their chance last year and blew it. The Gators will pull away in the third quarter when their O-Line begins to dominate. If Ainge or Tebow get hurt, this could get ugly in either direction.

Phil hates Urban 21

Urban loves Phil 38

ML

If you want to get fired up, go to YouTube and type “Joey Kent & Lawrence Wright,” then watch the ensuing carnage. This is a weird line, no one seems to think either defense has a prayer at stopping either offense. I, however, have tremendous vibes about this game. Helping things is UF’s plan to have a 20 minute ceremony to honor the back-to-back basketball champs. (Cuzzin’ Bailey, basketball is the game with the big round leather ball and two iron rims). The Swamp will be at a fever pitch at kickoff, and it will continue throughout the game. The Vols need to stay in it early and try to quiet the crowd. I don’t see it happening.

Ainge, a name best left for basketball 17

Tebow, a name without peer 41

CB

Uh, can you say game of the freaking week! Two green defenses against two offenses that everyone knows can put points on the board. I’ll be honest, I’m worried. Not cause our D is unproven and young, and not cause we have a few injuries that would seem major on a team less stacked than the Gators, but because this is an SEC game and its my favorite team, nothing comes easy for the Gators. In 2001 (my last home game as a UF student), UT ran all over us behind Travis Stephens, and while I kept telling myself and anyone who would listen that we would eventually stop him, we did not and lost in a shootout of sorts. I am worried because of that. But then I think back to the 1995 game, I was there, it was raining, the Vols were up huge in the first half but then as if summoned by the rain, the Gator Offense exploded for 48 straight points and Peyton Manning went home a loser again hehe. I guess my point is, if it’s a shootout its anyone’s game, but I like Timmy Tebow’s confidence. He has seen those games as well, he knows what this game means, he’s been there. By the way, ESPN.com called him Jeff Tebow? Where is that moron living? Ramble much?

Nice way to spell “Erik” you hick 23

Tim is easy to spell J-E-F-F 33

Arkansas @ Alabama (-3), 6:45

EGM

This is an intriguing matchup. The Hawgs had no business winning last year and the game proved to be the motivator they needed to win the West. However, Bamer went totally downhill after this game and lost to every team with a pulse (no, Ole Miss does not have a pulse). This game will feature lots of running with Satan choosing to bring back the Bear Bryant offense. The difference is John Parker Wilson, who has been tested and actually thrown for more than 125 yards in a game. Casey Dick is terrible and had 991 yards TOTAL last year. Come to think about it, this is an easy pick.

McFadden + Jones – Dick = 17

Grant +Wilson = 24

ML

It seems like whoever wins this game is a contender for the West title, and the loser is destined for a trip to lovely Shreveport and the Independence Bowl. In fact, this motivational tactic seems like an untapped resource. If I were Satan or Nutt I’d find Independence Day brochures and stock video from the Shreveport Tourism Department. Distribute these materials to your team before the game and watch them play like a pack of crazed dogs.

Hog wild about avoiding Shreveport 21

It’s like Birmingham, but worse! 17

CB

So I suppose this is the SEC West Game of the week. Someone said earlier this week that this game will determine who will battle LSU for the West. Uh the winner of this will be the one lucky enough to get their hopes up right up until the time that LSU runs all over them. In regards to the game itself, I don’t see why a phenomenal running offense will have any effect against the supernatural powers of Satan himself. Well that is of course if Nick Saban is in fact Lucifer. I have a new theory. While he maintains many of the same qualities or shall I say similarities of the Dark Prince, I feel this is all just a ruse. An old wives’ tale meant to scare little children into believing that Nick is the greatest defensive coach of all time. “Eat all of your vegetables or else Saban will come at you with a zone blitz package while you sleep!” says the mother, well we’re not buying it. 3-4 may be the best way to stop the run, but 4.3 speed is what the Hogs RBs have going for them. I like the Razorbacks in this one cause I’m trying to grow some balls with my picks.

Noah’s Kansas (get it, Ark?) 25

Bamer 24

Ole Miss @ Vanderbilt (-5), 7

EGM

Ole Miss has proven to have a much better offense than I thought. BenJarvus Green-Ellis has proven to have more qualities than just an awesome name. Vandy really disappointed me last week, but I should have expected Satan to bury them. Nickson performed very poorly and Earl Bennett did not have his usual game. I look for those two to get hot against a craptacular Reb defense. Vandy really has no home field advantage to speak of and after last week their defense is not excellent at stopping the run. So…NO COVER.

BenJarvus can only do so much 24

Nickson to Bennett 27

ML

The Rebs just got smoked at home by Chase Daniel and his Mizzou Entourage, and now they face the ‘Dores, who are smarting after a beating from Bama. This game isn’t even mediocre enough to garner attention from the channel formerly known as Jefferson Pilot.

Orgeron???? More like Orge-gonna-be-gone 14

When does Bobby Johnson upgrade? 20

CB

While I didn’t pick the ‘Dores to win or cover last week, I did pick them to have a better game than they did. I was pretty dead on with Ole Miss. They fucking suck, which means that next week’s game against UF will probably be the game they show up for damnit! I’m gonna be there, so if they are willing to negotiate for a UF “W”, I’m listening. Regardless, this game here is gonna blow. It’s at the crapatorium the Commodores’ call home, Vandy’s favored and it’s at night? What the bloody hell? I had this pegged for a standard Lincoln Financial game. A primetime game in Nashville, what is the world coming to? There are too many Honky Tonk bars to go to.

How’s my hair look? 15

How’s my pocket protector look? 25

South Carolina State @ South Carolina (NL), 7

EGM

This is the second Bulldog opponent in a row for the Cocks. There is nothing else interesting about this game.

Bulldogs 0

Cocks 51

ML

College Football Live (my new favorite show) had a montage of Spurrier pour-mouths that would make 1990ish Lou Holtz proud. SC State is in the MEAC, best known for being relegated to March Madness’ play-in game.

Bulldogs…real original name 6

Cocks…real phallic name 31

CB

I’m gonna go out on a limb here and assume that SC State is a historically black college (HBC). The name just has that written all over it. The Gamecocks certainly deserve a breather game after going into Athens and coming out victorious.

SCS 3

USC 43

Louisville @ Kentucky (+6.5), 7:30

EGM

This will be a fun game to watch. The likely top two choices at the QB position in the 2008 NFL Draft, some stud receivers, decent running backs and absolutely no defense whatsoever. I haven’t looked at the over for this game but I’m betting its high. Louisville doesn’t appear to score as much away from the Papa. Kentucky should be pretty fired up because they actually won a bowl game last year and they have a shot in this game for once. This game got ugly quick last year and Louisville ran the shit out of the ball. I’m betting Kentucky avoids all that and wins this game outright. I really can’t believe I just typed that but I’ll go with it.

Brohm 28

Woodson 34

ML

Man, Louisville’s D looked like Card-shit against the Blue Raiders of MTSU. Kentucky continues to roll, yet they are home dogs. These are the kinds of games Kentucky always loses. They have the chance to knock off a top 10 team at home and cement their status as the “frisky.” My heart is telling me to go against the Kats, but after watching that Cardinal defense, I can’t lay 6.5 points at home.

Giving up too many points 31

Getting too many points, but losing 27

CB

Don’t have much to say here. Looks like the team that UK used to call their little brother is learning how to short sheet the Cats bed. Kentucky used to be a football powerhouse, wait no they didn’t, and Louisville has been decent for quite a while now. This isn’t a shocker (so to speak) at all. Neither team appears to have a defense that actually knows the game of football so look for this one to be very high scoring.

Cards 55

Kensucky 45

Middle Tennessee State @ LSU (-40), 8

EGM

My first thought when I saw the line on this game: “That’s not enough”

Blue Raiders 7

Cajuns 51

ML

This is a crazy line. Vegas must have a ton of respect for LSU, or no respect for Louisville. As alluded to above, MTSU racked up a ton of points in L-ville, yet they are getting 40 points in Baton Rouge. I know LSU looked good, but I just can’t lay this many points.

Making The Spread U 14

Red Sticks 48

CB

This should be a no line game, but alas. Is it possible that LSU is gonna jump on three teams in a row by at least 40 points? That is what it’s looking like and that has to be a big deal. Too bad the Cats are gonna lose to UF in a few weeks, I guess we’ll let them enjoy this BS win for a while.

MTSU (sounds like a Gov’t agency) 6

Tigres 50

Non-SEC Game of the Week:

USC @ Nebraska (+10), 8

EGM

Nebraska is much better than they were the previous few years but they are not USC. The only chance they would have in this game is if USC turns the ball over at least three times and if that happened I still think USC would win. The Trojans are very good and absolutely loaded with talent but they looked a little lethargic playing against Idaho. After seeing what USC did to Arkansas last year, I can’t in good conscience pick Nebraska.

Bad NFL Coach 31

Decent NFL Coach 17

ML

If you listen to Jim Rome, you have no doubt been entertained by the email war going on between Trojan fan and Husker nation. The stereotypical synopses each fan base has for the other are hysterical. We also have two former NFL coaches. One coach went to the Super Bowl, while the other did nothing with two different teams. In college, one has multiple National Titles, and the other has failed to win a conference title. I think this shows Nebraska should get back to paying players. After all, corn fields, Tornadoes, and “the Big Sky” are not going to attract the Reggie Bush’s of the world.

Beaches and $$$$ = 34

Corn fields and no $$$$$ = 13

CB

This was one play away from not being the game of the Bourbon Boys week, and certainly not being the ESPN Gameday game of the gameday. Say the Huskers lose to Wake last week, they are out of the top … um whatever they are close to, the line turns to shit and this turns into another guaranteed romp on USC’s unbeaten trail, til they face some average Pac-10 team late in the year and meltdown per usual. This is another example of how this line is totally junk and based entirely on Nebraska’s record. I am gonna risk my reputation on this and say that this won’t be close.

Pete Carroll’s a cheater 35

Once a good team 15

Non-SEC GOTW Set

USC @ Nebraska (+10)

Week III Slate of Games and NON-SEC GOTW Suggestions

Malt Licker is off to a fast start. Anyone know where I can get some HGH?

All lines are courtesy of Pinnacle Sports (for entertainment purposes only) except for the two shitty no line games.

Mississippi State @ Auburn (-12.5), 12:30

Western Carolina @ Georgia (NL), 1

Tennessee @ Florida (-8), 3:30

Arkansas @ Alabama (-3), 6:45

Ole Miss @ Vanderbilt (-5), 7

South Carolina State @ South Carolina (NL), 7

Louisville @ Kentucky (+6.5), 7:30

Middle Tennessee State @ LSU (-40), 8

Suggestions for Game of the Week:

Ohio State @ Washington (+4), 3:30

Notre Dame @ Michigan (-9.5), 3:30

USC @ Nebraska (+10), 8 (EGM Vote)