Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Week XI

El Gran Mono
COMRADES! What a week of highs and lows! Up with the Gators, down with the free market! The Gators hammered UGA and seemed to make everything right in the world. However, this was followed by BARACK! winning and nationalizing thousands of my tax dollars while simultaneously scrapping the Constitution in favor of “fairness.” Even worse, one of my favorite authors, Michael Crichton died. I guess you take the good with the bad. Another bad note, I’ve been on a brutal slide in the picks. I’m going bold this week, mixing in some Ayn Rand and some upset specials. We’ll see if that’s the CHANGE! I need.

Malt Licker
In the spirit of the coming Administration, and to prepare our readers for the institution of the Orwellian “Fairness” doctrine, the Malt Licker is going to personally provide “an alternative viewpoint” and ghost-write for a fan of the much-maligned Big Ten. But not without first saying how great it was to smash Georgia.

Cuzzin’ Bailey
I can’t tell you what a relief it is that the Gators trounced UGA last week. I have to admit it was causing a little grief in my household, well right up until Friday night when I had a vision. Some call it a drunken delusion; I choose to call it a vision. I had a cold most of last week so I was a little lightheaded. Some friends came in town for the Cocktail Party and so I felt the need to throw back a few brewjacks Friday night. In the course of the evening I had my share and proceeded to hit the hay a bit after 1 am. (Not too late, but I can drink fast so…). Anyways, I lay my head down on my pillow and I thought to myself. “(Cuzzin Bailey), I can feel a blow out coming.” Some people, in my situation, may have considered that a sign to go pray to the porcelain God, but not me…When I awoke the next morning I expressed this thought to my comrades but no one believed me. Looks like in this case, drinking WAS the answer…Oh yea, RIP Michael Crichton, RIP Capitalism…


Georgia at Kentucky (+10.5), 12:30
ML
So this SEC is supposed to be so deep and great, how is it that Georgia can be so thoroughly dominated. I thought the SEC was supposed to be deep and competitive. Georgia’s performance reminds me of the last two national title games, when the Big Ten absolutely destrrrr….oh..never mind. I can assure you; however, that Kentucky would not win the Big 10.

Puppies 31
Kitties 14

EGM
Dawgs 31
Kitties 17

CB
Nice Black Pants…on dudes (losers) 30
UK 15

Arkansas at South Carolina (-11.5), 1
CB
Years and years ago, people joked that Steve Spurrier was going to run Phat Phil right out of Knox-vegas because of how badly the Gators owned UT. The semi-prophetic comments came to fruition this week, as the Vols fired Fulmer on the heels of a humiliating loss at South Carolina. Basically, what I’m telling you is, if these pathetic Gamecocks can drive the nail in the coffin for a seasoned veteran coaching a (once) elite team in the SEC East, then what hope in holy hell does Arkansas have this week? They are terrible, awful, worthless, and they are coached by a guy who would better deal his kids soccer match if he thought it was more lucrative to watch the T-ball game down the street. He is already headed to his worst season ever as a head coach…maybe the Ol’ Ball Coach has it in him for one more kill…

ArKANTsas 16
Watch the GAME you COCK 34

EGM
Hawgs 14
Cocks 28

ML
The other white meat 10
The normal white meat 20

Tennessee-Martin at Auburn (NL), 2:30
CB
The rotation sure did fuck me this week. I guess I can take this time to talk about how I hope for Tommy Tuberville’s sake Aubs gives him one more year to make up for this years embarrassment. I am BY NO MEANS an Auburn fan, to the point that I think I hate them more than any team in the SEC, but give me a break. This guy is a total badass when it comes to coaching and if they (and by they I of course mean Bobby Lowder) scorn Tuberville, I wouldn’t be surprised at all if he boarded an orange and white jet right after the Bama game and landed in Knoxville. How lucky am I that I got to talk about two of the biggest scumbags in the SEC this week (Lowder and Petrino)?!

UT-MAHTIN! 2
Aw, Burn Tommy and he’ll get ya…like Freddy. 69 (hehe)

EGM
Who cares? 0
Plainsmen 25

ML
SkyHawks 10
Plainsmen 31

Alabama at LSU (+3), 3:30
EGM
Nothing can understate how huge this game is to both teams. The stadium will harbor hate for both coaches because LSU fans are not even behind their own guy Les Miles. The game itself will feature two very talented defensive/offensive lines, two subpar QBs, a bevy of stud WRs (only one of them on Bama) and tons of overall speed. The two difference makers will be LSU's homefield advantage and Bama's one dimensional attack. LSU will force Bamer to pass after they sell out to stop the run and I'm fully counting on a JPW meltdown after he takes a couple of hits. Bama's conventional running attack doesn't match up well to the strength of the LSU D-line. Both UGA and UF destroyed LSU by exploiting the perimeter of the Cajun defense and then throwing over the top. Bama doesn't have the same kind of attack and Saban typically likes to play ball control and let his huge O-Line wear you down. For LSU on offense, the key is keeping Bama's defense on the field multiple sets of downs. The huge fat ass they count on to stop the run tires easily and LSU has an excellent line and stud TBs that can take advantage of that weakness. Will Miles abandon the run as usual and play into the Saban trap? For once, I'll say no.

Tide 13
Bayou Bengals 17

ML
Satan’s Tide 21
Les S U 22

CB
ROLL TIDE (for 3 more weeks) 23
LSU 19

Wyoming at Tennessee (-27), 1
ML
You Southerners are so impetuous, is it the hot weather? We stick with our coaches until they are convicted of DUIs (Gary Moeller), are near death (JoePa), actually die (Randy Walker), or lose to Michigan all the time (John Cooper). We do not like to shake things up too much. Rich Rodriguez’ performance in Ann Arbor is the case in point. His crazy spread option will never work. We grow our grass 6 inches high and all that running and stuff will not work. If you are going to do an option, there must be 2 fullbacks and 3 tight ends at all times.

Equality State 10
Volunteer State 24

EGM
Cowboys 10
Vols 31

CB
UW 6
UT 30

Florida at Vanderbilt (-24), 8
CB
Wish I A) knew how to insert pictures and B) wasn’t worried that a picture could come back and bite me on the ass in the future if I post it on the net. I have some golden pics from last weekend, (one of them, me coming in second in a beer shotgun booyah!). The majority of the pix are of the UGA side of the stadium in Jax circa middle of the 3rd quarter, EMPTY. It was quite the site. Well I heard it looks like most Jags games, but that is beside the point. Anyways, with that huge win, the Gators have a chance to clinch the SEC East this weekend by defeating a pretty tough Vandy team. I have to give them respect this week even though I hate them, cause I’m trying to follow Urban’s lead. (Is it really that big of a stretch to blindly follow one man’s advice and rhetoric? I mean 64 million people did it Tuesday! Badum ching!). Anyways…as I said, beat Vandie, clinch the EAST, root for Bama until the SECCG…I swear it shall be done! GO GATORS!

UF 42
Vandalay 17

EGM
Gators 38
Dores 13

ML
Big Ten Bullies 30
Not as good as Northwestern 14

Ole Miss - OFF
ML
One thing I must say, I love summer dresses. We never see those up here in the Midwest. Our girls where hoodies and peacoats. By the time we find out whether they have a good body or not, its too late and we are “pot-committed.” I love the accents too. It is much better than the “oooooh sure” and “don’t ya knows” we get up here.

Mississippi State – OFF
EGM
If you could spend an off week anywhere, I have to believe Starkvegas has to top the list places NOT TO GO.

Oklahoma State at Tejas Tech (-3), 8
EGM
Tejas Tech now enters the gauntlet that Tejas was unable to get through. The Cowboys have a high powered attack and have even been known to play a little defense. They get strong QB play for Zac Robinson and have an effective running game. However, Tejas Tech is pretty studly at home as proven last week. Harrell to Crabtree is quite a hard combination to stop and the Red Raiders actually have a defense this year. This game has trap written all over it for the highly ranked Techsters but they play fantastic at home and will pull away at some point. I really hope Mike Leach goes to Clemson rather than Tennessee, life would be even tougher if he was in the SEC.

Cowboys 21
Red Raidaz 31

ML
T. Boone 38
Raiders 34

CB
Okie St 37
Tex Tech 38