Thursday, October 30, 2008

Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Week X

Cuzzin’ Bailey
Well, I wish I could say I am watching the World Series Game 6 as I’m writing this, but alas we all know that isn’t true. The Phillies came up with very timely hits and that’s that. The Rays had a great season and I’m very happy I was able to be witness to a good part of it. In regards to the Gators…this week we have the hated Bulldogs and their merry band of fair weather fans/bandwagon jumpers that I am surrounded by in Jacksonville these days. We’ll see who has the last laugh on Monday in class bitches!

El Gran Mono
Redemption week! I really can’t wait to be a few brews deep and watching CBS on mute this Saturday. There is no listening to the Verne/Gary Georgia love in at my domicile. I found the same mute button was an effective weapon against Chip Caray, et al during the ALCS. I’m still not ready to talk about the World Series, give me a week. As for the games, there isn’t much in the SEC outside of UF-UGA but at least we get to pick the gun slinging Big 12 matchup once again. Sadly, last week determined that the Big Ten will be getting a team in the BCS Championship. While Penn State tends to be tougher than Ohio State, they still don’t have the fire power to beat a Big12/SEC Champion or USC. When will everyone learn that a playoff is the only true test…

Malt Licker
Man, I fucking hate Georgia with every fiber of my being. I hate their coach. I hate their fans. I hate Larry Munson. I hate the hedges. I hate their fans. I hate their coach. Unlike their team last year, I do not have to manufacture any emotion. It is pumping through me like crazy. I do not feel very comfortable about my game picking prospects this week, everything else is on the back burner, so take them with a grain of salt.

Auburn at Ole Miss (-6.5), 12:30
CB
Just when we thought that the Tigers were out of the doldrums of offensive futility, they pull themselves back in. I mean I had the right idea that Auburn couldn’t win in Morgantown last week, I just thought they might have a little heart to actually cover the spread. Boy was I wrong. They blow. Now Ole Miss on the other hand has had a rather up and down season. The down being that they play very, very well against good/great teams, but can play poorly against a subpar opponent. Enter Aw-burn. They are about as subpar as you can get right now, so this could be a let down game for the Rebs. IF, they play as hard as they did against UF and against Bama, this could be a long day for the Plainsmen. Hotty Toddy, let’s bank on that.

Awwbarn 13
Ole Miss 21

EGM
Plaintigers 21
Rebs 20

ML
u-barn burners 20
Ole Piss 17

Tulsa at Arkansas (+7), 2
ML
Who would have thought Ark-kansas would be an underdog at home to the Golden Hurricane? Are we allowed to call them the Hurricane? Or is that offensive to Katrina survivors? What is offensive, are the eyes and soul of one Bobby Petrino. Tulsa looks to remain a BCS BUSTER BABY!!!! To do so they’ll have to use the top offense in the nation to snap the Hawgs 16 game winning streak.

Golden Low-Pressure Systems 23
Sooooeeeey 21

CB
Tul 24
Ark 19

EGM
Golden Hurricane 21
Hawgs 24

Kentucky at Mississippi State (-3), 2:30
EGM
This is definitely not a showcase game for the SEC. Neither team has much offense and after watching KY in action last week I think Miss State actually has the advantage on O. Crazy shit right? When is the last time Miss State had a better offense than its opposition? I’m betting that answer includes a team with Sleepy Robinson or maybe even Wayne “Preseason All-SEC” Madkin. I’d love to write all day about this game but honestly its terrible. Avoid it at all costs.

Crappy Cats 3
Crappy Dawgs 7

CB
Kantuckee 17
Mess St 12

ML
Kenblocky-punty 20
Croooooooooom 10

Arkansas State at Alabama (-22.5), 3
CB
Let’s just agree that presuming the Tide play as well as they can and do in big games, they will destroy Arkansas St. The one wrinkle is, it seems like they haven’t be able to get up for these shitbox shows. Hell even UK isn’t as crummy as they’ve been in the past and Bammer played most of the game like they were half asleep. IF they can’t get hyped for a sure SEC win then I generally don’t expect much enthusiasm in this contest. Now, that is not to say that the Red Wolves stand any chance. The only way in hell this game is very close is if every position starter for Alabama gets hurt and Nick the dick Saban starts flipping a coin for offensive plays. No, the real question here is, will the Tide cover. Schizophrenia reigns in the SEC when it comes to whether or not teams show up big against out matched opponents, so I’m gonna go with a little faith here…just turned on Encore, and lo and behold, Crimson Tide is on the for the 500th time this week…guess we know what I’m thinking.

Arkie State 10
Bama 45

EGM
Redwolves 7
Bamer 28

ML
Might as well be DeVry 2
Tide 31

Georgia vs. Florida (-5.5), 3:30
CB
This is the game of the year my friends, and anyone tells you different, they’re selling something. I have no idea what that last part means, but I heard it in a movie and it sounded cool. But seriously, I hope yall don’t mind if I vent a little. I ask you, WHEN did it become “cool” for chicks to randomly like UGA? I mean I understand girls that went there and stuff, but there are all sorts of tricks at my school that are just liking the Dawgs this weekend cause “they have cute shirts” or “b/c Johnny likes them” or whatever. Its really fucking annoying. When did it become anything but dirty as shit and scummy as hell to like the BULLDOGS????? ARRRGH! Anyways, sorry but, I needed that. This is for real going to be a great game (God Damnit). Both teams match up very, very well, with the exception of the secondary position, in that both sides have the potential to give up the big play in that regards and that could mean the game for either team. As a biased Gator fan, I am looking forward to a few things. 1) UF scoring an early TD and not acting like a bunch of faggots (see: UGA first TD last year), 2) letting Tim be Tim, run when he wants, stiff arm a few linebackers and score all over those assholes, and 3) speaking of LBs, I REALLY like the matchup of their banged up crew versus our quiet little tandem of Demps and Rainey. (the nerds on some Gator forum tried nicknaming them, it was lame). Anyways, looks like its gonna be great football weather, partly cloudy and cool. Lots of tailgating in site, and tickets in hand. Go GATORS!!!

UGA 23
UF 34

EGM
Dawgs 17
Gators 31

ML
Hated 14
Loved 27

Tennessee at South Carolina (-6), 7
ML
Can Spur-dog ride the flowing locks of his drunken quarterback and kick the chair out from under Phil? We all know the noose is tightening around the neck. It would be fitting that the plump one’s biggest nemesis be the one to ring the death knell for his coaching career. I haven’t seen UT play with emotion (aside from Eric Berry) in about 3 years. I just don’t think they care enough about their leader to lay it on the line. Some new blood in Knoxville is needed.

100th ranked rushing offense 10
Fighting Garcia’s 25

CB
UT 15
USC 20

EGM
Vols 10
Cocks 13

Tulane at LSU (-25.5), 8
EGM
I guess this game is some kind of rivalry. Or maybe they just get together and talk about how shitty the roads are in the Pelican State. I haven’t figured it out yet. However, what I have figured out is that LSU’s secondary couldn’t tackle Cuzzin’ Bailey 10 brews deep. It was like greased pigs were running loose in the secondary last weekend. Tulane totally blows and still has no shot. The real question is whether Jarret Lee continues his quest for Pick Sixes.

Green Wave 10
Tigers 38

CB
Tulate 9
Seasons over 40

ML
In-state doormat 3
SEC East doormat 42

Vanderbilt – OFF
ML
I honestly believe Vandy is going to lose out and blow yet another chance at a bowl appearance. How the hell do you lose to Duke? I know Cutcliffe is a good coach, but c’mon. I want them to lose out, too. I have never met anyone remotely cool who attended Vanderbilt.

Tejas at Tejas Tech (+3.5), 8
EGM
Never bet against Texas Tech at home. But what I’m gonna tell you is this, bet against Texas Tech at home. Seems crazy right? Texas Tech has never played in a game of this magnitude and I’m sure they are thinking the same thing right now. Even Mike Leach in full pirate gear on the sidelines won’t help them. I foresee dropped balls and many blown coverages. Maybe even a 4th quarter comeback, but Tejas and Colt McCoy will be too much. Whatever it is, take the over.

Horns 35
Red Raidaz 31

CB
HORNS! 43
Raiders 38

ML
6th Street – 33
Win it for Jason Street (and the gators) 34

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Bourbon Boys Pick the SEC Week IX

Cuzzin’ Bailey
Well as many of you know, I was in Alabama last weekend attending a Non-Gator SEC game, and I was treated to a pretty good one. Ole Miss tried to pull the same “come from behind” crap that they did to the Gators, but to no avail. Driving to put the Rebs on top late in the game, Ole Miss came out of a timeout facing 4th and 5. The QB Snead slung the ball 15 yards passed the line to an open area of the field, where the ball fell to the ground motionless, idle, along with the Rebels hopes. Real fucking great play. The Tide survived a scare, showed they are probably as vulnerable as Florida, but are still undefeated. My friends, if the Gators keep playing they way they know how and Bama’s D keeps keeping them in games, we may be looking at a repeat of the most common matchup in SEC Championship history! Oh yea, this is hardly second banana, but The RAYS ARE IN THE WORLD SERIES! Hopefully as you read this, I will have attended Game 1 and we will be up 1 to none!

El Gran Mono
Well, I’d love to tell you that I had a restful week off while the Gators were gearing up for the stretch run; however, that would be a boldface lie. I’ve got Rays fever and even for the biggest of SEC football fans, its managed to take over my life. Oh yeah, I’m writing this just thinking about a frosty cold beverage at Fergs before Game 2. I guess we’ll talk some football. Our thoughts and prayers are with ML this week.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Auburn at West Virginia (-3.5), 7:30
EGM
This is a strange matchup late in the season. Both teams have underachieved but the Mountaineers have done so in the terrible Big East (the ACC and Big Ten are not far behind). Pat White will never be a passer despite half the media claiming that he’s great when he’s not “hurt.” Auburn could actually use someone like Pat White because then they would just abandon the passing game in favor of their much stronger running game. Tubs would love it too because he’s always in favor of runnin’ and big D.

I really see Auburn as being the more talented team but playing in Morgantown on Thursday night smells like the classic trap game. The line might be trap bait too. WVA sucks, I just can’t pick them. I doubt they get more than a field goal on the board against the Plainsmen’ stud D.

Off the Plain 13
In the Mountains 0

CB
Aw-Barn 17
Mountain Hicks 20

ML
Auburn 21
WVU 14

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Kentucky at Florida (-25), 12:30
CB
Kensucky 14
GATORS! 35

EGM
KY 6
Gatorzzzz 31

ML
UK 10
UF 31

Duke at Vanderbilt (-9.5), 3
EGM
Battle of two teams likely to make bowls. Quite the unlikely situation, but when you think about it they both have great coaching and that goes a long way. Bobby Johnson is a favorite at numerous other schools but he might just choose to stay at Vandy for the long term. Cutcliffe will be great no matter where he’s at. I’d love to talk more about the game but it basically boils down to this. Vandy can play defense with the big boys and Duke can’t. Prediction: Cutcliffe will be the next coach of UT, next year.

CB
Puke 13
Vandy 26

ML
Duke 13
Vandy 31

Georgia at LSU (-2.5), 3:30
CB
The UF game is always near and dear to my heart, but I think this is the game of the week. (Shouldn’t be much of a shock there) Two highly ranked BCS teams playing in Death Valley. As a fan of the Gators this one is kind of a toss up in the sense of who I would like to win. We play them both so I guess it doesn’t matter, but if LSU wins it will help prove our rise from the ashes after the dismal loss we suffered in late Sept. LSU supposedly has a good D that let the shitbox Gamecocks drop 17 in the first half, and Knowshon Moreno is a superstar Running back for the Dawgs. The eauxnly thing that bothers me is whether or not UGA will get rattled early in this one with the atmosphere. Look for Mark “the prick” Richt to psych up his team by licking a Bulldogs balls (I think he may have mixed up Jackie Sherrill’s motivation technique), or some other gay ass gimmick, but this time it will work! Kneauxshon comes up big in this one. Yellow Shirt, Purple Britches, Go to Hell You Sons a Bitches!

UGA 24
LSU 23

EGM
Dawgs 17
Cajuns 21

ML
UGA 24
LSU 20

Ole Miss at Arkansas (+5), 7
CB
Nutt returns to the sack with a team that may not have a great record, but can certainly play hard for 60. Not sure if the Ole Miss players can survive all season with 1 quality win and a pocket full of moral victories. Getting off subject a bit (surprise, surprise), I was watching the Houston Nutt show the other day and I noticed two things: 1) I could actually understand him as opposed to Coach O; and 2) He actually blamed Snead for making (or not making) a few bonehead throws. Is that something you say on TV? Who knows. Is he a pedophile looking piece of shit that the Malt Licker and El Gran Mono want to double team? Yes. Last weekend, the best play he called was a fake field goal that was actually a thing of beauty. This week, he may not need to reach into his sack (pun intended) of tricks to beat this mediocre team.

Rebs 34
Backs 20

EGM
Rebs 24
Hawgs 17

ML
Ole Miss 31
Arkansas 21

Middle Tennessee State at Mississippi State (-11.5), 7
CB
MTSU (who) 18
MSU (cares) 24

EGM
Blue Raidaz 13
Dawgs 28

ML
MTSU 23
Miss St 30

Alabama at Tennessee (+7), 7:45
EGM
After Bama had beaten Tennessee eight times in a row, they made shirts that said “Eight Vol, Corner pocket.” To this day, that’s the best trash talk shirt I’ve ever seen. “Fuck Auburn” printed in classy script is a close second. You are gonna think I’m crazy when I say this, but UT will win this game. Bama just doesn’t have what it takes on offense to keep on winning. JP Wilson might as well be talking to the receiver he’s throwing to on one of those tomato can string jobs before he throws it. Saban is clearly aware of this and wants to run the football. However, UT can stop the run and with Crapton no longer running the show, they aren’t turning the rock over at will. I like the Vols and it might just prevent David Cutcliffe from becoming their head coach for a year.

Bamer 10
Vols 13

CB
BAMA 21
VULS 13

ML
Bama 17
UT 9


South Carolina – OFF

Penn State at Ohio State (+2.5), 8
CB
The only reason I picked this game was to express my disdain for both of these schools. First let me start with OSU. They are ridiculously still high in the BCS rankings even though most of the civilized world (and parts of Iran) realize they are a fucking joke. If you thought it was funny watching them lose the last TWO National Championship Games in embarrassing fashion, then I think the BcS should go for the trifecta and prove how worthless the system is…Secondly, PSU. Let me tell you, I have been to almost every school in the SEC and have been around fans from all teams, and no where in the South is as Redneck, whitetrash and just all around chip-on-your-shoulder angry than those psychos in State College. I am fully expecting the same shit from the Phillies fans in St Pete Wednesday night. The presence of any of these types of fans is like anger incarnate. Broken bottles, broken noses, broken teeth, cussing worse than a sailor in a Singapore whorehouse, and that’s just the CHICKS! You hang out with Lions fans, remember one thing, a good supply of body bags…it could get ugly. In re: the game, who cares, if PSU wins they’ll pretty much stamp their ticket to the National Championship game to desecrate the city of Miami, if OSU wins I’m sure they’ll backdoor their way in and get trounced again. Personally I feel we should all prepare for (and celebrate) the destruction of South Florida starting Sunday.

PSU 34
OSU 28

EGM
Nittany Lions 13
Buckeyes 7

ML
Penn St 20
OSU 25

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Week VIII

ML
I really hate the Red Sox, as I begin typing this it is 7-4, make that 7-6. Nancy Drew just went deep. Come on Wheeler! Anyway, as I try to concentrate on football, I realize the Gators just destroyed the dirty coonasses from LSU. Percy got it going early, and the defense and Jeffrey Demps brought it home. The Gators are right back in the thick of the SEC and National Title race.

CB
Whoa doggie! I don’t want to take anything away from when the Gators beat the Noles, but I must say that whipping up on LSU may be my favorite victory these days. Excuse me, I just saw Curt “the Ankle” Schilling bounce the honorary first pitch to game 5, I’d say he’s probably not in game shape. Anyways, back to football. The Gators are off this week and that is huge for a few reasons. We definitely need to get to full strength before we start this next run of games, UGA is just around the corner, and I’m gonna be out of town this weekend so its nice that I won’t be missing a Gator game! There are some good other SEC games though. I wonder if Vandy is gonna come to play this weekend, same can be said for Ole Miss, and will LSU be able to bounce back from that horribly demoralizing loss at the Swamp last weekend (hehe)?

EGM
What a Saturday! Gators get BOLD with LSU in an absolute thrashing. Rays win in an extra innings thriller (hopefully en route to a World Series birth, fingers crossed). AND I’m back in the driver’s seat in the picks with a 6-0-1 performance. Life doesn’t get much better than that.

Dan Mullen really made me eat my words with that performance. I feel like Bourbon Boys is bulletin board material for him (he’s an avid reader of course). So next time things are down in Gatorland just let the Monkey take the reins of motivation. On to the SEC and perhaps more importantly the Big 12 picks.

Vanderbilt at Georgia (-15), 12:30
CB
Vandy just can’t seem to get to bowl eligible status. I would not be shocked if they lost the rest of their games. Meanwhile, Georgia took care of Phat Phil and the Vols behind an apparently career best performance by Stafford. I have no idea what to expect from Vandy. Do they bounce back and post a strong performance in Athens? Or will they start to realize that they are Vandy, and begin the downward spiral? I’m betting on the spiral.

Vander-flush 10
Jawja 30

ML
Vandy 15
UGLY 28

EGM
Dore (mats) 10
Dawgs 28

Ole Miss at Alabama (-13), 3:30
CB
Well, I’ll be heading to my first ever non-Gator SEC game this weekend. I can’t tell you how relaxing its going to be without a dog in this particular hunt. I can actually watch the game without biting my fingernails off. ANYWAYS, in regards to the game, Ole Miss has one big win this year (against the Gators damnit) and Bama is a different team from week to week. If my memory is correct, Houston Nutt coached teams have done pretty well against Bama recently so hopefully for the Rebs he’ll be able to channel some of that success this weekend. If Bama’s D is as worked up as its been lately, this could get out of hand pretty early. But at the same time, I would not count Jevan Snead and this offense as they are always a threat for the big play.

Ole Miss 17
Bama 28

ML
Rebz 17
Tiiiiiiiiiide 27

EGM
Rebs 21
Tide 17

Arkansas at Kentucky (-8.5), 7
ML
The Hawgs rode the backs of their midget tailback and strong defense to shock the Tigers. They outgained Awbarn by more than 2-1 to garner Petrino his first big victory of the year. The Kats are winless in SEC play, and need a W after getting schooled by SpurDog. I see UK getting their first SEC win and covering easily.

Porkers 14
Meowers 28

CB
Pseudo Kansas 14
Kensucky 23

EGM
Hawgs 21
Cats 20

Mississippi State at Tennessee (-7.5), 7
EGM
I made some rather ruthless comments about watching Miss State playing against Wing T powered Ga Tech. This game will be WORSE to watch than that affair. The Vols are really struggling running the football but look better with Crapton out of there. Both defenses are fairly decent but are often used to long periods of time on the field due to numerous three and outs. Miss State had good luck with the other Vandy at home last week but I think UT is generally better than the Dores and will win this game and cover.

Bulldogs 13
Smokey Dogs 28

ML
Croomers 21
Vowelzzz 20

CB
Mess State 12
UT 30

LSU at South Carolina (+3), 8
EGM
Spurdog may have found something with alcoholic, party-all-the-time QB Stephen Garcia. I’m sure it brings back memories of Sexy Rexy and Douggy J. If Stevie Six Pack can wait on the blitz, then Stevie Visor will be content and many TDs will result.

LSU plays its second tough road game in a row. Generally, their entire team looked like a deer in headlights (except when they took breaks to talk shit after a shoestring tackle to keep a 30 yard gain from becoming a 60 yard gain). I would imagine they will stick with the two QB attack and try to run the ball down the Cocks’ throat. However, I feel like Les Miles’ luck has ran out and Spurdog knows how to take advantage of a situation like that.

Not on the Bayou 21
Cocks 31

ML

CB
LSWho? 31
USC 27

Florida – OFF
CB
My Gad, last weekend was one of the best tailgates we’ve had in a while. Except for the fact that the stupid University frowns on having Kegs at tailgates, it was great. Generally 8pm games drive me crazy, but this weekend joining the Malt Licker and virtual cornucopia of other folks, the hours passed and the beer flowed like water. Anyways, as I said, earlier the Gators killed the Tigers and propelled their ranking from 11 to 5. And while the rankings are huge, dropping a 50 bomb on the Bayou Bengals is a really great feeling. So was talking mock Cajun to the LSU yuppies that were seated near us. Sardonic tones towards opposing fans when winning by huge amounts is so much fun. UK next week…I’m quivering.

Auburn – OFF
ML
Man…could things get any worse in Auburn? A loss by Tommy T to his arch-nemesis, that beady eyed bastard Petrino. They threw in the towel on their OC, and they still have to play WVU, UGA and Bama. At least they have lots of bars to drown their sorrows in…oh wait…they don’t

Kansas at Oklahoma (-20), 3:30
EGM
If ESPN starts to talk about how invincible your team looks, then you might want to watch out. If Scouts Inc picks you to win, then you might as well not show up to the game. If Todd McShay (founder of Scouts Inc) thinks your team is really good, then you should shut down your program.

Okay, that’s my ESPN.com rant. I actually do think Oklahoma is good; however, they had not played a decent team until last week so all comments were a little premature. Just like rankings before November. But this is college football and I guess people need to argue.

As for this game, the Big 12 has some nasty offenses and some stud QBs. But after watching Tejas-Oklahoma I’ve come to realize that there is no defense being played in that conference. I fully expect another shootout in this game. Jay Reesing is a solid player and will easily find targets against a lackluster Sooner secondary but the KU defense will give up too many points in this one.

Jayhawks 24
Sooners 38

ML
Rock Chalk 23
OU 35

CB
Kansasucks 10
Okies Blow 42

Missouri at Texas (-8), 8
CB
Well don’t I just look like an asshole? My friends from Texas came in town to help root on the Gators and I called the UT team overrated and predicted OU to smoke them. After watching a good bit of the Red River Rivalry on Saturday, I can say that I think the Horns are a pretty legit team. However, will my new bandwagon approach backfire and curse Texas? Guess we’ll have to find out. I personally find Missouri very annoying. Their QB is like my height and that’s not an impressive stat. They are total pretenders and I look to Texas to pass all over them.

Mizzou 20
Tejas 30

ML
Chasin’ Tebow 27
Colt 45s 45

EGM
Mizzou 28
Tejas 24

Thursday, October 09, 2008

Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Week VII

El Gran Mono
This weekend sets up as one of the most memorable in my lifetime. The Gators matching up against LSU in revenge game #1 of this 2008 season, the Rays matched up against the scum sucking southy clan, and a hell of a general slate in college football highlighted by the no-defense-Big 12 matchup of Oklahoma-Tejas. I’m looking forward to two TVs in my living room and watching the good guys pave their way to an SEC championship and a World Series title.

Also, a warm BBoys Happy Belated Birthday to CB. Thirty, beotch! Enjoy Torts.

Malt Licker
Big game Saturday….a full slate of intense games in the SEC and throughout the rest of the nation. As well as game two for the Rays against the Chowds. Throw in the fact that Cuzzin’ Bailey just became the first bourbon boy with the ignominious honor of entering his 30s, and it could not be a more exciting weekend. I’m heading north and congregating with a bunch of old buddies and throwing the tailgate of the century. If you are one of the 4 people who read this make a trek to Murphree hall and look for the drunkest collection of folks within 50 feet. Additionally, be careful not to have too much fun, apparently our fascist school president does not take kindly to drunken mayhem.

Cuzzin’ Bailey
Another big weekend for the Gators, and for your Cuz…hell, next weekend is huge too as I will be attending my first non Gator SEC game ever. Hopefully that will be more relaxing than this one. Big crew of alumni and friends coming to Gainesville this weekend and it should be a wild time. Another 8pm LSU game, shit. I just hope the Gators can A) not play like morons, and B) maybe beat Les Miles at his own game. I am looking for a number of trickeration plays, or going for it on 4 and short, etc. I think if we can give him a taste of his own medicine, it may cause him to get a little desperate and try even more fucked up moves. How’s that sound? Come to think of it, I don’t know about that. The guy is incredibly lucky so anything he throws at Florida generally sticks. I think LSU would be more vulnerable if they just stuck to a normal game plan and didn’t try anything funny. Let’s go with that…Go Gators!

South Carolina at Kentucky (-1), 12:30
ML
The Kats proved me right and did their consummate “cover.” If it wasn’t for a flukey turnover they may have unrolled the tide. The Cocks bounced back with a big win over Ole Miss on the road. I honestly have no idea what to expect in this game. It could not be more even. I think it will probably come down to turnovers, and usually the road team nuts up more.

Chickens 23
Felines 27

EGM
Cocks 14
Kats 13

CB
USC 17
UK 14

Vanderbilt at Mississippi State (+3), 2:30
EGM
Vandy performed admirably last week in a tough matchup with the Plainsmen. However, a few Nashville high school teams would have defended Auburn’s superawesome spread in a similar manner. So do I think Vandy is that good? No, I think they are the same team as last year, even more so with Mac Adams at QB. They have a terrible running game and their passing offense is bottom tier. Chris Nickson has the scrambling and play making ability to allow them to look better. He’s questionable for this game…

Miss State actually turned the corner a little bit against the almighty Tigers of LSU. However, those same Tigers gave up some points to the Plainsmen. What to make of all of this? Who knows? I know they are playing inside the fifth ring of hell. Advantage, Miss State.

No longer “1st in the SEC” 13
Croom 17

ML
Bowl eligible already??? 21
Almost a trap 19

CB
Vandie 16
Miss St 4

Tennessee at Georgia (-12), 3:30
CB
Not sure exactly where to begin with this game. I suppose I could start by saying I have pretty much nothing but absolute disdain for both these schools, so forgive me if my take on this game is a little negative. In re: to the game, two weeks ago (before the Bama debacle) I would have taken the Dawgs with a 17 point spread; but now that we have seen what a decent defense can do to UGA, I am less impressed with them. On the other side, I have never been impressed with UT’s offense. Crompton is terrible. And the awesome thing is, regardless of how great he may become, he’s already a junior and its gonna take a lot longer than ½ a year for him to get any better. If the Vols future is JC, then it’ll last 1 more year and be painful to watch…I love Crompton as the enemies QB. Knowshon Moreno is like hurt or something, and that could be detrimental to an already fragile UGA morale. This could be an upset waiting to happen, but it probably won’t.
UT 16
UGA 27

EGM
Vols 17
Dawgs 24

ML
Vol Pride dwindling 20
Cant Cover 24

Arkansas at Auburn (-19.5), 5
ML
The Hawgs are the team that supposedly cures all malaise, but the Plainsmen are hoping that the canning of their OC Tony Franklin will turn around their season. I think it is too late for that, and a new scheme is tough to implement in 1 week. Luckily they’re playing the aforementioned hogs and their beady-eyed head coach. Do you think he’ll try and steal TT’s job at halftime? If I were Tommy I’d dispatch a spy to watch his every move.

Cagey Hawgs 16
Tigers 24

EGM
Hawgs 10
Plainsmen 24

CB
Ark 3
Aubie 21

LSU at Florida (-5.5), 8
EGM
Well, I’ve held back long enough on my Gator take. So, here it goes. Fast teams have found a way to deal with the spread. Tebow usually takes the punishment. Our O-Line is loaded with top flight prospects but doesn’t seem to be able to handle the scheme. But do the mighty Gators adjust? Hell no. And Tebow then takes more punishment. Imagine this team WITHOUT Tebow. Scary stuff for even the most devoted Gator fan.

I’m really hoping to see the adjustments Urban made after losing to Bama and LSU in his first year. He worked with the players he had. That’s what I’m looking for, but I fully expect a ton of five wide sets against a superfast team that will blitz at least seven players. Did I mention I love Dan Mullen? Remarkably, I still see Tebow having a game like he had last year and keeping us in this.

LSU has nothing at QB, a massive offensive line and a tendency to abandon the running game even when its working. Oh yeah, their coach is a fucking maniac. I’m sure they’ll do great in the Swamp with all that going for them.

I feel like change is in the air and I don’t mean socialism.

Tiggers 17
Gatorzzzzzzzz? 28

ML
Cajun Freaks 20
Drunk Gators 21

CB
LSU 20
FLORIDA 24

Alabama – OPEN
CB
Well, Bama sure showed me that I have absolutely no idea what I’m talking about. I had them winning next week running away and UK kept it very close and destroyed the line. The Tide couldn’t have been looking forward to the BYE week and I’m sure they weren’t already thinking about Ole Miss next week, so I suppose, to use a football cliché it must have been a “hangover” from the UGA stomping. Anyways, I’m glad I have the knowledge of them struggling with Kensucky last week so know I’ll be more able to pick them next week.

Ole Miss – OPEN
EGM
Open week, plenty of time to get a haircut and cut down on your loser factor by 100. However, I’m sure you’ll just throw a blazer on the situation, drink a mint julep, and pay for it with a crisp five from your tall wallet. And THAT is why you will live in Mississippi your whole life.

P.S. – William Faulkner SUCKS!

Texas vs. Oklahoma (-7), 12
CB
The Red River Rivalry, yes I know it’s the Red River Shootout I just like to fuck with my UT friends. Anyways, I’m gonna piss them off s’more cause I don’t think that Texas has a shot in this game. I hope this isn’t bad Karma since they are both coming down here this weekend for the UF/LSU game. Shit, I think in order to balance everything out I may just have to pick the ‘Horns. What a fucking stupid move that would be huh? From what I have seen (well mostly heard), Oklahoma is totally legit and many “experts” don’t seem that impressed with Texas just yet. Well this is a rivalry game, I think its time to throw out the numbers and just guess…
UT 21
OKIE 33

EGM
Horns 28
Sooners 31

ML
Tejas 20
Sooners 24


Penn State at Wisconsin (+5), 8
ML
Yawn…the Big 10 Baby!!! To explain to you how shitty last Saturday was for me, I was on duty at a tax seminar from 9-7, and the only game that was worth watching involved Wisconsin and OSU. Wisconsin blew that game because they couldn’t stop the Terrelle Pryor scramble around and throw it up for grabs play that the SweaterVest kept running. Apparently this is the one year out of 4 that Penn State is actually good. Can they keep it going in Camp Randall? JoePa has an injured leg, but he is no doubt troubled by all the liberal douches he’ll be surrounded by in Madison.

JoePa 4 Czar! 28
Badgered 13

EGM
Lions 24
Badgers 17

CB
PSU 34
WISCO 27

Thursday, October 02, 2008

Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Week VI

CB
Don’t I feel like a fool for predicting that the Gators would trounce Ole Miss last week! The game was not only atrocious, but seeing people passing out cause of the heat was something I haven’t seen in like years (sorry for the generic time frame, but my memory for viewing sunstroke isn’t what it used to be). Anyways, my weekend overall was tremendous, the tailgate was baller, and I got to meet Shane Matthews (thanks to a certain Ole Miss fan that was visiting me), but the Gators lost. On a bright note, UGA lost too. They didn’t just lose, they got killed! This of course makes me happy cause we’re like that girl in the beginning of the Devil’s Advocate… “(We) didn’t want to be the only one.”

EGM
Mr. Positive is through. I hate the spread. I hate five wide. I hate people that wear blazers or sundresses to games. I hate croakies. I hate communists. I hate people who talk on their Bluetooth. I hate the ACC and Big Ten. I hate the Red Sox. Most importantly, I hate anyone who doesn’t coequally hate these things.

ML
Ugggggh….what is the deal with the Magnolia State? UF has lost like 7 out of 10 against teams from this cesspool. I usually hate the typical liberal elitist take on states in the Deep South, but that excludes Mississippi. The state has brought me nothing but misery. I hated Mississippi Burning, The Ghosts of Mississippi, Mississippi Masala. I even hate the song Mississippi Queen. Anyway, I really hate the fact that I have to attend a seminar all day Saturday and Sunday. At least I know I won’t have to watch Mullen’s 5-wide set.

Florida at Arkansas (+24.5), 12:30
CB
This is the test to see if I have learned anything from last week. Sure Ole Miss is probably 10 times better than Pseduo-Kansas, but this is still the SEC West. After all these years of playing these RRSWGs (Random Road SEC West Games), I have learned two things, 1. Every school in that division hates UF with more fury than a gambl-holic in Vegas after the 10th time you’ve thrown the craps dice off the table, and 2. You can’t take one of these for granted. Hell, I was at the 2000 Miss St debacle. We were supposed to destroy the Bulldogs, but it turned into a shootout from the get go. And if it weren’t for: A) Gillespie’s “celebration” penalty at the beginning of the 3rd; B) Spurrier punting on a third down; C) our idiot Captains choosing defense after MSU deferred when they won the coin toss; and D) Dicenzo Miller and Dante Walker rushing for two bills each, we might have prevailed. But that’s the way shit works in the WEST. The 2004 redux single handedly ended Zook’s fabulous career at Florida (I suppose in that case we should thank the West). Anyways, here it’s the same old shit, nothing to fear, we might as well send out scout team. I swear if we don’t jump on this team early we are going to regret it. I believe Timmy T when he says that he is going to play as hard as anyone and it appears they are going to strap the ball to Harvin’s back and let him carry us to victory this weekend, so while I’m going to pick against the spread, I know it in my heart that we are going to win this week! GO GATORS!

UF 38
Noah’s Ark-ade 17

EGM
Gators 38
Hawgs 10

ML
Until you prove you can score 40, I wont pick you to cover 31
Hog Soup 10

South Carolina at Ole Miss (-2.5), 2
EGM
Ol’ Houston Nutt came up with a huge win on Saturday. But I’m sure it was worth kicking him out of Arkansas because Mitch Mustain didn’t get to toss it around enough. If anything I’m sure it will expedite their ass to the Big 10. I wonder if Bobby Petrino will stick around for that?

South Carolina is just terrible along the lines of scrimmage and Ole Miss will definitely exploit that. The Rebs specialize in fat ass linemen that clog shit up. Spurrier dominated the West for his first few years in the league but has faded off lately, along with his talent level. Ole Miss will stay in the big zone they played last week and force horrendous Mike Davis to beat them. I like their chances…by more than 2.5.

Cocks 14
Rebs 24

CB
USC 17
Ole Miss 23

ML
Cocks like being underdogs 22
Ole Letdown 20

Kentucky at Alabama (-16.5), 3:30
CB
Bama was seriously impressive again last weekend. Another Mark Richt gimmick and this time his players weren’t impressed by the theatrics. A note to UK, once the Tide get “rolling” (pardon the pun) they are tough to stop. JP Wilson and Julio Jones are very talented and if they (as well as the Bama D) are hot this could get ugly real quick. The Wildcats are out scoring their opponents 126 to 22, one little problem, they are all out of gimme games. It’s all SEC from here on out and if they don’t live up to their BS game billing, they could be in for a long season. I’ll take Bama at home, AND the points…

UK 17
UA 35

EGM
Cover Cats 14
Bamer 21

ML
Koverin’ Kats 20
Tiiiiiiiiiide 31

Auburn at Vanderbilt (+4), 6
EGM
Game of the week? Who woulda thought?

The Plainsmen got a gift from Jon Crapton last week in the form of a ridiculous fumble. Other than that, Auburn looked positively awful. Neither of their Qbs can do anything in the passing game and people have figured out their two running plays. Its time for Tubs to kick that idiot OC out of town and crush some Vandy scum. But, hold on one second, Vandy is not the same old Vandy. They play great defense and don’t turn the ball over. I gotta say though, four points? No chance.

Plainsmen 17
One loss Dores 14

CB
AW 26
VA 23
ML
Plainsmen 24
‘Dores 17

Northern Illinois at Tennessee (-15.5), 7
ML
Man, it is seriously panic time in Knoxville, luckily these Huskies suck. The Vols seem to have issues holding onto the ball inside the 10 yard line, whether their own or the opponents. They gave that game to Auburn and are 0-2 in the SEC and 1-3 overall. Surely that should be enough motivation to cover against Northern Illinois. I know nothing about the Huskies and don’t care enough to change that.

NIU 13
Vawwwlz 33

CB
NI 17
UT 30

EGM
Salukis 7
Vols 28

Georgia – OPEN
CB
Here’s one little problem with gimmicks, when they don’t work, and your team doesn’t get motivated enough to win, then what? I mean if you are relying on costumes and pageantry to get your team hyped (ala “Blackouts” and “Everyone run onto the field after you score a touchdown”), and one day you wake up and it doesn’t work, you may have to go back to regular COACHING!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOO! And another thing, “Mark Richt doesn’t seem like the intense no BS guy that Meyer is”, (so I’ve been told by my UGA and FSU friends), does that mean that I HAVE TO LIKE HIM?? Just cause he has that balding-guy-desperate-for-a-friend-smile look on his face doesn’t mean I would have a beer with him. Also, I’ve been told that Gator fans are “the worst” and “have no class,” I guess I’ll live up to the billing by saying, I hope Knowhon Moreno’s season is over. I really could give a shit what Bulldog fans (who bark and drool at games) think about me. Man I was really worked up…glad that’s over.

LSU – OPEN
ML
The Tigers struggled mightily against Croom-land last week, but have a week off to rest and prepare to take on our beloved Gators. The only issue they have to worry about is how many siblings will sleep together and whether or not they will run out of moonshine.

Mississippi State – OPEN
EGM
Is their a better place to spend a free weekend than Starkville? Port-Au-Prince or Lagos perhaps.

Florida State at Miami (-2), 3:30
ML
How times have changed. I remember when this was a must-see game of the year. ABC would flood the airwaves with advertising as a clash of the titans. Now…it’s a big yawn. You can guarantee it will be hard hitting game, but you can just as easily guarantee that the quarterback play will be terrible. F$U is feeling froggy after knocking off Colorado and the Canes are wounded after losing in Chapel Hill. Well the hundreds of fans harness this energy and bring a hostile attitude to Joe Robbie? You bet. Will there be more tricked up vehicles and scumbag haircuts in one 3 square radius anywhere else in the world tomorrow?

Nole$ 13
CoCanes 16

CB
FSU 13
MEE-AMI 12

EGM
Noles 13
Canes 16