El Gran Mono
Prepare for negativity my friends, because I’m amped up to trash pretty much every team out there. After all of the top teams struggled (excluding Tejas), the pundits are swarming upon the fact that there is parity in CFB. This usually happens around Week 11 when every player doesn’t turn out exactly as Athlon/Lindys/Sporting News predicted they would. Happy Halloween! I’ll be the guy dressed as a cynical college football fan.
Cuzzin’ Bailey
Big Game this weekend! I always knew that Fla/Ga was a huge deal, but I love the electricity in Jacksonville this week. Well I’m being a little sarcastic, but seriously, now that the game approaches, and my guest list is filled, I cannot wait til Saturday! My Bourbon Girl is bringing her good luck to Jax, some amigos are driving up from the ‘Burg, and the Malt "effing" Licker is making the extra long trip from CougarTown (just to see me); so our tailgate may turn into a full on party. EGM’s pop is gonna be manning the grill, and the shotgunning of beers will commence circa 9:30am. In regards to the game, I am really hoping the awful UGA defense is the cure for whatever is ailing our Redzone offense. I am not NECESSARILY worried we will lose the game as much as I am worried we’ll look like shit doing it. I trust our defense and I’m pretty sure that Joe Cox won’t be the savior this year considering how bad we made Matt Stafford look last year…Go Gators!
Malt Licker
Just finished packing for the trip up to Jville to meet up with Cuzzin Bailey and attend the World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail party. Jeter is facing the Dominican Rat, Pedro Martinez, I have a beer cracked, and I’m looking forward to quitting time Friday afternoon. I just wish El Gran Mono could join us. Last week, the Gators turned in another ugly victory, but are undefeated against the West for the first time since ’96. Mark pRicht and his Dawgs have a week to prepare. Normally this would be considered a “trap game,” but I have no doubt Tebow and the offense will be ultra-motivated, they just might not be that good. It should be a fantastic Halloween in Jacksonville; I’m looking for costume suggestions.
Ole Miss at Auburn (+3.5), 12:21
ML
These are two teams going in opposite directions. Nutt’s Rebs have righted the ship and have won two in a row behind a strong defense. Chiz’ Tigz were just blown out in Baton Rouge and are on the back side of a 3 game losing streak. Ole Piss is looking for its first back-to-back wins over Awbarn in 57 years. I’d be remiss if I didn’t comment on the faux genteel classiness of each school’s douchebag student body. Given the scarcity of bars in the “loveliest little village on the Plains,” it’s a good thing Reb fans are used to drinking in outside.
Spooky Rebels 27
Hungry Tigers 17
EGM
Rebs 28
Plainsmen 13
CB
Ole Ma’am 24
Orbarn 21
3:30pm
Georgia v. Florida -16.5, 3:30
EGM
World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party! Take that Machenajad! You can’t curb my free speech, SON! Sorry, I had to get that out of the way. I’m not a fan of PC assholes or university President’s who think their limited oligarchy extends to curbing off campus boozing.
On to the actual game. The Gators have a completely shitty passing game highlighted by a QB who refuses to read defenses or throw the ball away. It’s a good thing they have a power running game that now features the I formation and three stud backs. Although UGA is better at stopping the run than the pass, they will still give up yards in chunks (at least until the red zone). The Dawgs offense is pretty one dimensional against any team with a pulse. And the worse part about the one dimension is that its keyed by Joe Cox. Mr Cox will find moving the ball difficult once AJ Green is taken away. I expect that will take about 0 plays considering everyone knows that Green is UGA’s only playmaker. Regardless of UF’s lethargic, predicable offense, I expect a pretty easy win and cover due to UGA’s inability to move the ball.
UGA needs a “safe zone” 10
Craptacular Gators 28
CB
Juhja 13
FLORIDA 28
ML
Losing 17 out of 20 10
Winning 18 in a row 24
Mississippi State at Kentucky (-3), 7
ML
All of a sudden it came to me. As I was watching our Gators struggle against their former coach, I had a thought. I must first ask our readers if they know the name of the child who played Augustus Gloop in the original Willy Wonka. Are we sure it wasn’t a young Dan Mullen? Talk about a doppelganger, I think I saw some fudge stains on Dan’s rosey cheeks. The Kats actually have a winning streak, perhaps delaying the annual autumnal shift in focus to hoops. Are the Dawgs satisfied with the “close loss” to the Gators, or will they actually try to, you know, win?
IM SOOOO HUNNNNGRRRYYY!!! 20
MEOWW 12
EGM
Miss State 13
KY 17
CB
MISSed Opportunities 23
Kensucks 24
Eastern Michigan at Arkansas (-37.5), 7
CB
By far this is the game of the week! Haha, I am actually not 100% sure I’m going to stay awake while typing this. I understand that Arkansas is still totally preoccupied by the “penalty-gate” in the SEC and that would explain their lame-duck performance last week in Oxford. I’m not saying the Rebs are a pushover, but after the “gutty” showing in Gainesburg two weeks ago, I expected more. But this week, the Hawgs are playing the hapless Eagles from the Eastern part of the Mitten. I fully expect a cover and a “look at how tough we are” outcome in favor of the slighted Razorbacks. Btw, I guess its only a big deal when you play shitbox teams in the BEGINNING of the season.
EMU 7
Arky 47
EGM
Its Education First in Ypsilanti 10
Its Football First in Fayetteville 49
ML
Poultry 6
Pork 49
Georgia Tech at Vanderbilt (+11.5), 7:30
CB
I have no problem predicting a full on throttling from Paul Johnson’s triple option Flexbone. I was gonna say that Vandy has been decent even in their losses, but that’s not really true. They’ve been beat pretty handily by UGA, Ole Miss, and LSU. They aren’t giving up HUGE amounts of points, but they can’t score to save their lives. They’ve scored 133 points in 8 games (about 16 points per game). Compare that to GT’s 261 total points, and that’s almost double! I have to admit that watching the Tech games is a guilty pleasure of mine. I am really digging the triple option, and I’m praying that IF we don’t make it to the title game that UF does NOT have to face them in a bowl game. Not saying they can beat us, but right now its seriously clicking and its scary to watch. Combine the fact that everything is going the Yellow Jackets way and the fact that Vandy has a fast track, and we could be looking at a bigtime blowout.
Runnin’ Ramblin’ Wreck 34
Gonna get wishBONED. 14
EGM
Jackets 31
Smandy 7
ML
ACC Dorks 30
SEC Dorks 14
South Carolina at Tennessee (-5), 7:45
CB
I see that Kiffen has been reprimanded again for being a bitch, and was basically told that if he opens up his trap and causes another stir he MAY get more than a slap on the wrist. I hear all the Vols fans talking about how they are impressed with his ability to keep UT’s name in the media and bring attention to the school, but is this really the kind of exposure you want? I remember when Zook was fighting frat boys and thriving on the reputation of being a “player’s coach” and I’m thinking that this wasn’t the kind of guy I want coaching my favorite team…just saying. The Gamecocks are having a great-ish year (relatively), and are already bowl eligible. UT is 3-4 and coming off an emotional loss to Bama (Kick Vols, Kick), so they will either be hunting for retribution or realize they are a total joke and that no one outside of KnoxVegas cares that they almost won. God I hope USC wins this game. Oh and btw, bet the UNDER, I’m looking for a low scoring game.
Cocks 13
Puke Orange 14
EGM
Cocks 10
Vols 13
ML
Cockfighters 19
Ref Haters 17
Tulane at LSU (-35), 8
EGM
I read an article somewhere that said LSU should watch out Tulane because they might be looking ahead to Bama. That’s a pretty stupid thing to say. Even with JJeff pulling the strings at QB, there is no chance they lose to hapless Tulane.
Green Waves usually smell like shit 0
Baton Rouge smells like shit 41
CB
Tulane 13
LSU 40
ML
Wave of Green 5
Red Stick of Shit 31
USC at Oregon (+3), 8
EGM
This could be the biggest game in the history of Animal House U. The Ducks have recovered from their asskicking in Boise and have run roughshod over the Pac-10 ever since. However, I’m still pissed they lost to Boise because we have to listen to all this “they deserve a shot” talk for another full year. Its ridiculous and I hate it.
USC’s defense doesn’t appear to be quite as good as everyone thought they would be. Oregon State moved the ball with ease against them throughout the second half. Good thing Matt Barkley has matured quickly in order to put up the points necessary for victory. Well, I think the party is going to end for young Matt in the horrors of Autzen stadium. The Ducks are playing good defense these days and I expect the rookie mistakes to come out. Prepare for some BCS controversy! What’s that like?
Trojans 17
Quackers 21
CB
Carroll’s homies 32
Home of Charlie’s Parents 27
ML
Men of Troy 16
Ducks of Quack 20
Alabama – OFF
ML
It seems like I always get the goddamn bye week. Bama has a week off before their final big test before Atlanta. Fat Boy Cody came clutch with a big block of Kiffy McSissypants game winning attempt. I hear the notoriety has earned him a cover on this week’s front page of BBW Magazine.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Week VIII
Malt Licker
Well the Gators played like crap and were able to escape. I suppose that is good news, but I’d love to see our offense perform within the same galaxy as last years. I think this proves how important Percy and L Murph were to the squad. We have to find a way to open things up, or we will most assuredly have a hiccup along the way. The rest of the week’s slate is pretty uninspiring, with the most compelling game being Kiffie-kin’s first trip to Tuscaloosa.
El Gran Mono
There has been a lot of talk this week that SEC Refs suck (which is very true) so I think I’ll incorporate that into my takes a little more heavily. I’m finally at .500 despite the refs sucking and Cuz can hear me running behind him Steve Atwater style. Will he alligator arm it or catch it like a champ? Or will the refs blow it? I’m betting on door number one. I think I’ve finally got a handle on Vandy. I’m hoping the Gators have a handle on Starkville.
Cuzzin’ Bailey
Where to begin? Apparently UF didn’t deserve to win last week. I’m just paraphrasing every single “comment board” on ESPN (dot) com this week. I guess the only thing that would make those loser Arkansas fans (as well as every Gator Hater in the world) happy would be for Florida to concede this and voluntarily forfeit the game. Let me tell you, BAD CALLS HAPPEN! Ask UGA. Ask UF after the 2003 Florida State game. Shit happens. We (the fans of that team) stew about it for years and years to come, but guess what changes…Jack SHIT. Ah, glad I got that off my chest. Oh, btw, if UF didn’t get that personal foul call, it still would have been 2nd and 9 on the 20. It ain’t like we hadn’t been moving the ball ALL GAME. Barring another fumble and we’re looking at the same result. God I hate whiners. Unless their name is Cuzzin Bailey. Last thing, sorry my comments don’t reek with the professional prose of one Malt Licker. We should all bow to his superior intellect and humility HAHA…loser.
Arkansas at Ole Miss (-5.5), 12:30
ML
The Hawgs nearly ended the nation’s longest winning streak in the Swamp last week. Can they use the momentum from this moral victory and knock off their old coach? The only person in Oxford having a worse season than Jevan Snead is his barber. How does he get that look? With a ruler? Anyway, is it possible Ole Miss just isn’t that good? I’m giving my boy Houston one more chance.
Sooey 21
Toddy 31
EGM
Hawgs 21
Rebs 20
CB
Sore Losers 23
Oxford Comeback? 25
Tennessee at Alabama (-16.5), 3:30
ML
Mr. Kiffykins comes to town to face the other rival he ticked off during the offseason. Can he cover the spread again? If he does, it will have more to do with Daddy, who has two weeks to devise a scheme to stop Mark Ingram. If Crapton can keep the turnovers at 2, the Vols can make this interesting. I feel like Bama is due for a scare.
White shirted Vols 13
Crimson stained sheets 21
EGM
Monte keeps it close 13
Saban likes it close 17
CB
Probation in 2 years 10
Roll over Kiffin 27
Louisiana-Monroe at Kentucky (-15.5), 7
CB
Boy how lucky did I get? The only non-All-SEC game in the bunch. I presume that UK will be able to pull out the win here on the blue grass, but I’m curious how easily they’ll score 15 points total! I’m gonna run blind here cause I really don’t care about wasting anyone’s time with analysis. I’m sure LA-Mon has put up some great number against whatever teams they play, which explains this relatively small spread. Kentucky is coming off a huge win on the Plains against the scumbag Tigers. Speaking of that game, I love watching their fans look so dumbfounded when a team they deem inferior goes into Orburn and comes out with a W. Good times. Kats roll here, hey here’s some breaking news…one of Kensucky’s basketball recruit’s eligibility is ALREADY in question…gotta love Calipari, he sure doesn’t waste any time cheating…
MON-roe 14
Kant beat Kentucky’s Kats 30
ML
LaMo 13
UK 34
EGM
LaMo 10
KY 28
Vanderbilt at South Carolina (-12.5), 7
EGM
Ol’ Spurdog took one on the chops last week vs. Saban and his nasty defense. If only Stephen Garcia wouldn’t get rattled so easily they might have…hmmm…if only. The Cocks don’t have much of a running game and that could make this matchup quite interesting because Vandy has a great pass defense statistically. However, I think their great pass defense is only a result of their terrible rush defense. Spurdog does tend to force the issue with what he feels is “right” even if its not working. But with a week to prepare I would expect the “right” gameplan to incorporate a steady diet of running. That won’t be good for Vandy who really sucks on offense. Even the refs can’t help out with that.
Dores 3
Cocks 17
ML
Vanderdork 12
GameCocks 29
CB
Logically Terrible 9
We’ll Spit Dip in yer Eye 22
Florida at Mississippi State (+22), 7:30
CB
Hell yea. The Gators won last week, after turning the ball over 4 times, thrice in or around the redzone. But now that last week is over, its time to talk about a place I just started referring to as the “Twilight Zone for Gator Football”. Sure, it’s not a real supernatural place, like the Bermuda Triangle, but this is a “city” where UF forgets all it knows about football. A place where defensive captains elect to “kickoff” when the only real option is to “receive,” a place where there are more cowbells in one square mile than there are in the entire state of Texas, A PLACE where Mississippi State thrives when the Gators come to town. 1992, the last Thursday night game UF has played, Shane Matthews throws 5 interceptions in his home state. 2000, Spurrier elects to punt on 3rd down, the Miss Dogs have 2 150+ yard rushers, and my dad is drinking whisky and water from the melted ice in the cooler. 2004, without that loss, Zook would not have been fired, in retrospect I’m happy about that one. Regardless, of course we SHOULD win this Saturday, but the SEC SHOULD be regulating the illegal noise-maker policy in Starkville too, but that shit ain’t happening. Oh yea, aside from all the spookiness and superstition about Davis Wade Stadium at Scott Field, the Gators are facing their old offensive coordinator…he probably knows what to expect…but can they execute, that’s the question…I think its about time the Gators defense got over the LSU hangover and Janoris Jenkins remembered how to cover. This is the last time I’m gonna make a multi-interception call for our D. If it doesn’t happen this weekend I’m beginning a self-invoked moratorium on praise for our secondary…don’t let me down guys.
Road GATORS 40
Home (smelly) Dawgs 15
ML
More Gators 37
Less Cowbell 6
EGM
Demons Out 41
Turnover Machine 13
Auburn at LSU (-8), 7:30
EGM
This is traditionally one of my favorite games to watch. It always seems like the teams come out hitting extra hard and there is a lot of jawing. Former LSU QB Andrew “To Good for Harvard” Hatch got crushed so hard last year he couldn’t stand up and didn’t remember large portions of the game. Chris Todd is a much better player this year and certainly can’t play worse than last year. That said, the Plainsmen lost to KY last week…AT HOME. Not good. However, they do have one major thing in their favor and that’s Jordan Jefferson. He’s positively awful. Auburn will have absolutely no problem stopping him. The question then remains, will Gary Crowton and Les Miles adjust and run the wildcat or take Jefferson out of the game? I doubt it. Imagine losing TWICE at night in the same season. Yep, its gonna happen, just like every season in the 80’s. Oh yeah, the refs will suck.
Plainsmen 21
Cajuns 10
ML
Plainsmen 10
Coonasses 14
CB
Prissy Tigers 13
Disgusting Tigers 15
Georgia – OFF
ML
Coach Richt will enjoy this bye week by watching me bang his wife.
Well the Gators played like crap and were able to escape. I suppose that is good news, but I’d love to see our offense perform within the same galaxy as last years. I think this proves how important Percy and L Murph were to the squad. We have to find a way to open things up, or we will most assuredly have a hiccup along the way. The rest of the week’s slate is pretty uninspiring, with the most compelling game being Kiffie-kin’s first trip to Tuscaloosa.
El Gran Mono
There has been a lot of talk this week that SEC Refs suck (which is very true) so I think I’ll incorporate that into my takes a little more heavily. I’m finally at .500 despite the refs sucking and Cuz can hear me running behind him Steve Atwater style. Will he alligator arm it or catch it like a champ? Or will the refs blow it? I’m betting on door number one. I think I’ve finally got a handle on Vandy. I’m hoping the Gators have a handle on Starkville.
Cuzzin’ Bailey
Where to begin? Apparently UF didn’t deserve to win last week. I’m just paraphrasing every single “comment board” on ESPN (dot) com this week. I guess the only thing that would make those loser Arkansas fans (as well as every Gator Hater in the world) happy would be for Florida to concede this and voluntarily forfeit the game. Let me tell you, BAD CALLS HAPPEN! Ask UGA. Ask UF after the 2003 Florida State game. Shit happens. We (the fans of that team) stew about it for years and years to come, but guess what changes…Jack SHIT. Ah, glad I got that off my chest. Oh, btw, if UF didn’t get that personal foul call, it still would have been 2nd and 9 on the 20. It ain’t like we hadn’t been moving the ball ALL GAME. Barring another fumble and we’re looking at the same result. God I hate whiners. Unless their name is Cuzzin Bailey. Last thing, sorry my comments don’t reek with the professional prose of one Malt Licker. We should all bow to his superior intellect and humility HAHA…loser.
Arkansas at Ole Miss (-5.5), 12:30
ML
The Hawgs nearly ended the nation’s longest winning streak in the Swamp last week. Can they use the momentum from this moral victory and knock off their old coach? The only person in Oxford having a worse season than Jevan Snead is his barber. How does he get that look? With a ruler? Anyway, is it possible Ole Miss just isn’t that good? I’m giving my boy Houston one more chance.
Sooey 21
Toddy 31
EGM
Hawgs 21
Rebs 20
CB
Sore Losers 23
Oxford Comeback? 25
Tennessee at Alabama (-16.5), 3:30
ML
Mr. Kiffykins comes to town to face the other rival he ticked off during the offseason. Can he cover the spread again? If he does, it will have more to do with Daddy, who has two weeks to devise a scheme to stop Mark Ingram. If Crapton can keep the turnovers at 2, the Vols can make this interesting. I feel like Bama is due for a scare.
White shirted Vols 13
Crimson stained sheets 21
EGM
Monte keeps it close 13
Saban likes it close 17
CB
Probation in 2 years 10
Roll over Kiffin 27
Louisiana-Monroe at Kentucky (-15.5), 7
CB
Boy how lucky did I get? The only non-All-SEC game in the bunch. I presume that UK will be able to pull out the win here on the blue grass, but I’m curious how easily they’ll score 15 points total! I’m gonna run blind here cause I really don’t care about wasting anyone’s time with analysis. I’m sure LA-Mon has put up some great number against whatever teams they play, which explains this relatively small spread. Kentucky is coming off a huge win on the Plains against the scumbag Tigers. Speaking of that game, I love watching their fans look so dumbfounded when a team they deem inferior goes into Orburn and comes out with a W. Good times. Kats roll here, hey here’s some breaking news…one of Kensucky’s basketball recruit’s eligibility is ALREADY in question…gotta love Calipari, he sure doesn’t waste any time cheating…
MON-roe 14
Kant beat Kentucky’s Kats 30
ML
LaMo 13
UK 34
EGM
LaMo 10
KY 28
Vanderbilt at South Carolina (-12.5), 7
EGM
Ol’ Spurdog took one on the chops last week vs. Saban and his nasty defense. If only Stephen Garcia wouldn’t get rattled so easily they might have…hmmm…if only. The Cocks don’t have much of a running game and that could make this matchup quite interesting because Vandy has a great pass defense statistically. However, I think their great pass defense is only a result of their terrible rush defense. Spurdog does tend to force the issue with what he feels is “right” even if its not working. But with a week to prepare I would expect the “right” gameplan to incorporate a steady diet of running. That won’t be good for Vandy who really sucks on offense. Even the refs can’t help out with that.
Dores 3
Cocks 17
ML
Vanderdork 12
GameCocks 29
CB
Logically Terrible 9
We’ll Spit Dip in yer Eye 22
Florida at Mississippi State (+22), 7:30
CB
Hell yea. The Gators won last week, after turning the ball over 4 times, thrice in or around the redzone. But now that last week is over, its time to talk about a place I just started referring to as the “Twilight Zone for Gator Football”. Sure, it’s not a real supernatural place, like the Bermuda Triangle, but this is a “city” where UF forgets all it knows about football. A place where defensive captains elect to “kickoff” when the only real option is to “receive,” a place where there are more cowbells in one square mile than there are in the entire state of Texas, A PLACE where Mississippi State thrives when the Gators come to town. 1992, the last Thursday night game UF has played, Shane Matthews throws 5 interceptions in his home state. 2000, Spurrier elects to punt on 3rd down, the Miss Dogs have 2 150+ yard rushers, and my dad is drinking whisky and water from the melted ice in the cooler. 2004, without that loss, Zook would not have been fired, in retrospect I’m happy about that one. Regardless, of course we SHOULD win this Saturday, but the SEC SHOULD be regulating the illegal noise-maker policy in Starkville too, but that shit ain’t happening. Oh yea, aside from all the spookiness and superstition about Davis Wade Stadium at Scott Field, the Gators are facing their old offensive coordinator…he probably knows what to expect…but can they execute, that’s the question…I think its about time the Gators defense got over the LSU hangover and Janoris Jenkins remembered how to cover. This is the last time I’m gonna make a multi-interception call for our D. If it doesn’t happen this weekend I’m beginning a self-invoked moratorium on praise for our secondary…don’t let me down guys.
Road GATORS 40
Home (smelly) Dawgs 15
ML
More Gators 37
Less Cowbell 6
EGM
Demons Out 41
Turnover Machine 13
Auburn at LSU (-8), 7:30
EGM
This is traditionally one of my favorite games to watch. It always seems like the teams come out hitting extra hard and there is a lot of jawing. Former LSU QB Andrew “To Good for Harvard” Hatch got crushed so hard last year he couldn’t stand up and didn’t remember large portions of the game. Chris Todd is a much better player this year and certainly can’t play worse than last year. That said, the Plainsmen lost to KY last week…AT HOME. Not good. However, they do have one major thing in their favor and that’s Jordan Jefferson. He’s positively awful. Auburn will have absolutely no problem stopping him. The question then remains, will Gary Crowton and Les Miles adjust and run the wildcat or take Jefferson out of the game? I doubt it. Imagine losing TWICE at night in the same season. Yep, its gonna happen, just like every season in the 80’s. Oh yeah, the refs will suck.
Plainsmen 21
Cajuns 10
ML
Plainsmen 10
Coonasses 14
CB
Prissy Tigers 13
Disgusting Tigers 15
Georgia – OFF
ML
Coach Richt will enjoy this bye week by watching me bang his wife.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Week VII - Weekend Edition
Cuzzin Bailey
Well I’m glad I was right to talk about the Gator defense in last week’s edition, but I’m sorry to say that the score I picked was atrocious. I had a great feeling that we would cover and I knew we had it in us to virtually shut down the Tiger offense, but I can’t tell you how impressed I was in our effort. In other news, the former guest Bourbon Boy, The Dinnercruise Gambler, struck again in N’awlins and to salute the weekend, I decided to include a (heavily) edited recap of the trip. Anyways, Gators got homecoming this weekend against an (albeit) unranked, but quite interesting Arkansas squad, I would say its time for the Gators to “open-up” the offense a bit. P.S. don’t you feel like you need a poncho just LISTENING to Lou Holth on TV?
Malt Licker
If any of you are wondering why we did not have all the games posted before the illustrious USF Cincinnati matchup, point the finger at me. I figured you would rather admire Jim Leavitt’s lovely blonde locks, than have to try to decipher Cuzzin’ Bailey’s “writing.” He’s such a wordsmith you may need a thesaurus, and I figured our readers would be more inclined to have one at work. Anyway, the Gators conservatized their way to a 15th consecutive victory and are in firm control of the SEC. If the Gators offense tried to buy an NFL team, there is no doubt that sports “journalists” would run completely fabricated quotes to scuttle their bid.
El Gran Mono
Last week in the SEC, the four major games resulted in three blowouts and one defensive barn burner. Two of the blowouts were authored by previously winless-in-the-SEC teams Arkansas and Tennessee. The Tennessee blowout was surprising not only in the final score but also in the methodology, namely Jonathan Crapton throwing for over three hundred yards. LSU-UF ended up almost exactly as Vegas expected minus the addition of a few extra scores. LSU clearly can’t play much offense and both teams proved they could play defense. The main story of this week is whether team like Arkansas can continue their good play against the top of the conference not just the a “resurgent” team. Enjoy the three “Games of the Week” outside of the SEC.
October 17, 2009
Oklahoma v. Texas (-3), 12
EGM
This was the game on the cover of all the magazines in the preseason: McCoy v. Bradford, THE BIG 12 SHOOTOUT!!, Queers v. Steers. Wait a second, isn’t Big 12 shootout a mildly redundant phrase?
The two losses from Jokelahom definitely downgrades the caliber of this game but after watching Tejas play a few times I’m not so sure they are that great either. I think if they would have played the Mormons and the Thugs from Miami they would have at least one loss. Their offense is almost entirely one dimensional (i.e. Colt McCoy) and their defense is meh. Sure they lead the country in rush defense but look at who they have played (the same can be said for the Gators as well). I really like Oklahoma’s chances in this game. In fact, I fully expect some Sam Bradford revenge. Colt McCoy apparently “deserves” the Heisman after his season last year but Bradford is clearly the better player (better arm, better pocket awareness, better accuracy). McCoy doesn’t suck but he won’t be good enough to beat Bradford for a second year. Memo to Bob Stoops, don’t run any fake punts or fake field goals.
Boomer Sooner 34
Tejas 30
CB
Oklahomo 34
Tejas 45
ML
Boomer 13
Bevo 31
Georgia at Vanderbilt (+7.5), 12:21
CB
Well, a week ago, I would have been marginally interested in this match up because it would give us a look into how UGA can perform against a struggling but (maybe) hungry weaker SEC program. That was before both teams lost to shitbox ones this past weekend. The Dawgs went up the Knoxvegas and laid a total egg, and Schmandie went to visit Army and lost in OT. Just embarrassing. Actually I don’t know which was worse? I mean I knew that Georgia wasn’t good, but that game last weekend was humiliating. They didn’t score an offensive touchdown and didn’t get past the UT 30 (something). God I can’t wait for the Cocktail Party.
Juhjah 33
Nerd Alert 21
ML
Lost to Crapton 24
Lost to Army 10
EGM
Dawgs 27
Dores 10
Mississippi State at Middle Tennessee State (+4), 12:30
ML
I was waiting all year for this one! The pride of Murfreesboro! MTSU’s Blue Raiders, host the Bulldogs at Johnny “Red” Floyd Stadium. Dan Mullen’s Dogs let the SEC, and EGM, down last week with a loss at home to Houston. This should be another tight contest and they need to win, because they face a complete dismantling next week. All I know about the Raiders is they had a pretty good band in 1999, and like to throw the ball a lot in 2009.
Road Dogs 34
Red’s Raiders 24
CB
Road Dogs 35
MTSU 17
EGM
SEC 31
Sun Belt 21
Arkansas at Florida -24 CB, 3:30
CB
LSU BLEAUXS! Man I can’t tell you how happy it makes me to say that without sounding like a sore loser. Not that I even imagined what it was going to be like if we had lost to those terrible Tigers (Terrible as in bad, not frightening). Anyways, I’m sure you’re sick of hearing how great the Gators are and how much I love them, so I think its time to talk about this game. The Razorbax aren’t God awful this year. They actually have a pretty decent quick strike offense. If the Gators overlook this team, I will be greatly disappointed. Sure they got completely shut down by Bama, but last weekend they totally throttled the second best team in AL. Hopefully we can take a page out of the non-scumbag team from the “Heart of Dixie.” I think the Backs are gonna try their stock “throw, throw, then maybe run” game (Mallet is averaging 32 pass attempts/game), which should play right into the Gators hands. I predict 3 picks by the UF secondary, at least 40 passes by Arkansas, oh and a huge win for Florida.
Not-Kansas 13
GO GATORS 50
ML
Arky 10
Gators 40
EGM
Hawgs 17
Gators 42
USC at Notre Dame (+12), 3:30
ML
Is this a must win for fat Chuck Weis? It sure is, since this is the best chance ND has to beat SC since Bob Davie was head coach. For the first time since that date, the Irish look to have more talent on offense, especially at QB, where Jimmy Clowson likes comebacks. It is strength against strength as fatass Charlie’s offense takes on that dashing cavalier Pete Carroll, and his talented defense. ND’s defense has managed to make everyone look good this year, and the absence of Michael Floyd makes their offense much easier to contain. It will come down to coaching, Carroll’s scheme will create some turnovers and Matt Barkley & Co. should put up enough points to cover this spread.
Trojans 28
Irish 14
CB
West Coast Cheatin’ 36
The Licker’s 1st Team 25
EGM
So Cal 31
No. Indiana 21
UAB at Ole Miss (-22), 7:00
EGM
Ole Miss is sort the Oklahoma of the SEC with one huge exception. They have Jevan Snead instead of Sam Bradford. I’m surprised that Nutt hasn’t gone back to the Wildcat much like his Arkansas days when Mitch “Best Recruit Ever” Mustain and Casey Dick were at the helm. Is Snead better than those two? I don’t think we can answer that question yet. After all, that Arkansas team went to the SEC Championship and was winning that game into the fourth quarter. Ole Miss beat a gimmicky Tejas Tech team in the Cotton Bowl. That’s an accomplishment worth of a free Grand Slam at Denny’s. Perhaps that can eat that Grand Slam after they celebrate an average win over an average UAB team. All of those things just seem to fit together.
Blazers 13
Rebs 30
CB
This 5 Points is Lame 14
Rebels Revenge 45
ML
Blaze it 6
Rebz 41
Kentucky at Auburn (-12.5), 7:30
ML
Both these teams had tough losses last week. The hapless Kats lost their pathetic quarterback last week and now have to play some clown he beat out for the starting role. Predictably, the Tigers paws were caught in a trap in Fayetteville after receiving some accolades. Obviously it wasn’t that predictable, as this moron picked them to cover. I see them bouncing back to redeem themselves and yours truly against the wounded Wildcats.
KY 13
AU 34
CB
Blue Grass Smokin’ 9
The Dream is Over 25
EGM
Cats Rebuilding again? 17
Plainsmen 31
South Carolina at Alabama (-17), 7:45
CB
A short trip back to Tuscaloosa from Oxford and the Tide are gearing up for what COULD be a great game. Spurrier has all but called this the Gamecocks marquee game of the year, so it appears that they are aiming at spoiling homecoming for Saban and crew. How did that sound? Did I get you believing that this game was gonna be close, or even a road win for the Ol’ Ball Coach? HAHA! Sure Bama’s gonna start off slow maybe punt a few times early, but seriously, unless they are completely unprepared for this game, the Tide aren’t going to struggle for long. There’s a script for their games. Run, run, incomplete, punt. Do that for the first quarter, then BOOM, 56 yard run by Ingram. Interception returned for a touchdown, McElroy to Jones for a 40 yard bomb, and the rout is on. Sorry Stevie, you’re team may keep your visor on your head for a bit, but after a few rounds with the Crimson, the Cocks won’t be able to keep up…
Cawks 22
Tiiiiiiiiide 44
ML
Cocky 14
Pachy 24
EGM
Cocks 13
Bamer 17
Tennessee - OFF
ML
First SEC win for Kiffin last week….I hope he celebrates by watching me bang his wife.
LSU - OFF
The Dinnercruise Gambler Strikes
First, the all good news from the Casino. The Harrah’s New Orleans Casino is very good to me. It has been the site of several fun and profitable nights, including the blackout incident of 2001 where I came out $1,400 ahead. On this trip, it was mostly craps. (Name redacted) went on a 25-minute heater.
At one point this LSU coon-ass and his peanut gallery get up to shoot. No lie, he shot for 42 minutes, made 8 points, and everyone a ton of money. He and I shed all LSU-UF hatred during these rolls. Overall, my best guess is that I won about $350 on the trip.
Scorched Earth
As soon as we arrived, it was clear that the tailgating situation was going to limited and crazy. There had been an inch of rain the day before, and the entire campus had a half inch of muck on it. Many LSU girls and guys were wearing galoshes or duck hunting boots. We had to relocate everything from our parking spot to a ridge near a sidewalk. Some solid pre-drinking took place. LSU fans were bad, as usual. General Order #1853 “Scorched Earth Tailgating” was enforced with extreme abandon. My favorite move was to just drop whatever I was holding when I was done.
The He-coon Talks Trash
Plenty of jawing off. Some interesting things happened with that:
• Two LSU tailgates broke out in a giant fight with each other. They were set up in a real muddy area. Some of the girls were fighting each other in the mud, so we got free show. Later we found out that a lesbian girl had been making out with her girlfriend’s brother. This sparked a fight between the two HIGH SCHOOLS that were out tailgating the game.
• I was getting some trash talk from a real bumpkin who was wearing rubber boots. After he said his bit, I threw two quarters at the ground in front of him and said “Here’s 50 cents, go buy yourself some proper shoes, on me.” He got pissed at this, but his friends were laughing at the joke so he had no backup. He said something about my momma, to which I replied: “your broke ass should pick up my charity quarters.” And here is the best part- he picked them up. This was the closest to fighting I came that day.
• “Go home Gators!” reply: “I can’t wait”
• “This is our house!” reply: “Your house is a giant shithole.
When we returned to NO, the van was completely trashed, tire slashed, wheel underinflated, seats broken, cigar smoke. We might be on the hook for some extra cleanup fees.
Well I’m glad I was right to talk about the Gator defense in last week’s edition, but I’m sorry to say that the score I picked was atrocious. I had a great feeling that we would cover and I knew we had it in us to virtually shut down the Tiger offense, but I can’t tell you how impressed I was in our effort. In other news, the former guest Bourbon Boy, The Dinnercruise Gambler, struck again in N’awlins and to salute the weekend, I decided to include a (heavily) edited recap of the trip. Anyways, Gators got homecoming this weekend against an (albeit) unranked, but quite interesting Arkansas squad, I would say its time for the Gators to “open-up” the offense a bit. P.S. don’t you feel like you need a poncho just LISTENING to Lou Holth on TV?
Malt Licker
If any of you are wondering why we did not have all the games posted before the illustrious USF Cincinnati matchup, point the finger at me. I figured you would rather admire Jim Leavitt’s lovely blonde locks, than have to try to decipher Cuzzin’ Bailey’s “writing.” He’s such a wordsmith you may need a thesaurus, and I figured our readers would be more inclined to have one at work. Anyway, the Gators conservatized their way to a 15th consecutive victory and are in firm control of the SEC. If the Gators offense tried to buy an NFL team, there is no doubt that sports “journalists” would run completely fabricated quotes to scuttle their bid.
El Gran Mono
Last week in the SEC, the four major games resulted in three blowouts and one defensive barn burner. Two of the blowouts were authored by previously winless-in-the-SEC teams Arkansas and Tennessee. The Tennessee blowout was surprising not only in the final score but also in the methodology, namely Jonathan Crapton throwing for over three hundred yards. LSU-UF ended up almost exactly as Vegas expected minus the addition of a few extra scores. LSU clearly can’t play much offense and both teams proved they could play defense. The main story of this week is whether team like Arkansas can continue their good play against the top of the conference not just the a “resurgent” team. Enjoy the three “Games of the Week” outside of the SEC.
October 17, 2009
Oklahoma v. Texas (-3), 12
EGM
This was the game on the cover of all the magazines in the preseason: McCoy v. Bradford, THE BIG 12 SHOOTOUT!!, Queers v. Steers. Wait a second, isn’t Big 12 shootout a mildly redundant phrase?
The two losses from Jokelahom definitely downgrades the caliber of this game but after watching Tejas play a few times I’m not so sure they are that great either. I think if they would have played the Mormons and the Thugs from Miami they would have at least one loss. Their offense is almost entirely one dimensional (i.e. Colt McCoy) and their defense is meh. Sure they lead the country in rush defense but look at who they have played (the same can be said for the Gators as well). I really like Oklahoma’s chances in this game. In fact, I fully expect some Sam Bradford revenge. Colt McCoy apparently “deserves” the Heisman after his season last year but Bradford is clearly the better player (better arm, better pocket awareness, better accuracy). McCoy doesn’t suck but he won’t be good enough to beat Bradford for a second year. Memo to Bob Stoops, don’t run any fake punts or fake field goals.
Boomer Sooner 34
Tejas 30
CB
Oklahomo 34
Tejas 45
ML
Boomer 13
Bevo 31
Georgia at Vanderbilt (+7.5), 12:21
CB
Well, a week ago, I would have been marginally interested in this match up because it would give us a look into how UGA can perform against a struggling but (maybe) hungry weaker SEC program. That was before both teams lost to shitbox ones this past weekend. The Dawgs went up the Knoxvegas and laid a total egg, and Schmandie went to visit Army and lost in OT. Just embarrassing. Actually I don’t know which was worse? I mean I knew that Georgia wasn’t good, but that game last weekend was humiliating. They didn’t score an offensive touchdown and didn’t get past the UT 30 (something). God I can’t wait for the Cocktail Party.
Juhjah 33
Nerd Alert 21
ML
Lost to Crapton 24
Lost to Army 10
EGM
Dawgs 27
Dores 10
Mississippi State at Middle Tennessee State (+4), 12:30
ML
I was waiting all year for this one! The pride of Murfreesboro! MTSU’s Blue Raiders, host the Bulldogs at Johnny “Red” Floyd Stadium. Dan Mullen’s Dogs let the SEC, and EGM, down last week with a loss at home to Houston. This should be another tight contest and they need to win, because they face a complete dismantling next week. All I know about the Raiders is they had a pretty good band in 1999, and like to throw the ball a lot in 2009.
Road Dogs 34
Red’s Raiders 24
CB
Road Dogs 35
MTSU 17
EGM
SEC 31
Sun Belt 21
Arkansas at Florida -24 CB, 3:30
CB
LSU BLEAUXS! Man I can’t tell you how happy it makes me to say that without sounding like a sore loser. Not that I even imagined what it was going to be like if we had lost to those terrible Tigers (Terrible as in bad, not frightening). Anyways, I’m sure you’re sick of hearing how great the Gators are and how much I love them, so I think its time to talk about this game. The Razorbax aren’t God awful this year. They actually have a pretty decent quick strike offense. If the Gators overlook this team, I will be greatly disappointed. Sure they got completely shut down by Bama, but last weekend they totally throttled the second best team in AL. Hopefully we can take a page out of the non-scumbag team from the “Heart of Dixie.” I think the Backs are gonna try their stock “throw, throw, then maybe run” game (Mallet is averaging 32 pass attempts/game), which should play right into the Gators hands. I predict 3 picks by the UF secondary, at least 40 passes by Arkansas, oh and a huge win for Florida.
Not-Kansas 13
GO GATORS 50
ML
Arky 10
Gators 40
EGM
Hawgs 17
Gators 42
USC at Notre Dame (+12), 3:30
ML
Is this a must win for fat Chuck Weis? It sure is, since this is the best chance ND has to beat SC since Bob Davie was head coach. For the first time since that date, the Irish look to have more talent on offense, especially at QB, where Jimmy Clowson likes comebacks. It is strength against strength as fatass Charlie’s offense takes on that dashing cavalier Pete Carroll, and his talented defense. ND’s defense has managed to make everyone look good this year, and the absence of Michael Floyd makes their offense much easier to contain. It will come down to coaching, Carroll’s scheme will create some turnovers and Matt Barkley & Co. should put up enough points to cover this spread.
Trojans 28
Irish 14
CB
West Coast Cheatin’ 36
The Licker’s 1st Team 25
EGM
So Cal 31
No. Indiana 21
UAB at Ole Miss (-22), 7:00
EGM
Ole Miss is sort the Oklahoma of the SEC with one huge exception. They have Jevan Snead instead of Sam Bradford. I’m surprised that Nutt hasn’t gone back to the Wildcat much like his Arkansas days when Mitch “Best Recruit Ever” Mustain and Casey Dick were at the helm. Is Snead better than those two? I don’t think we can answer that question yet. After all, that Arkansas team went to the SEC Championship and was winning that game into the fourth quarter. Ole Miss beat a gimmicky Tejas Tech team in the Cotton Bowl. That’s an accomplishment worth of a free Grand Slam at Denny’s. Perhaps that can eat that Grand Slam after they celebrate an average win over an average UAB team. All of those things just seem to fit together.
Blazers 13
Rebs 30
CB
This 5 Points is Lame 14
Rebels Revenge 45
ML
Blaze it 6
Rebz 41
Kentucky at Auburn (-12.5), 7:30
ML
Both these teams had tough losses last week. The hapless Kats lost their pathetic quarterback last week and now have to play some clown he beat out for the starting role. Predictably, the Tigers paws were caught in a trap in Fayetteville after receiving some accolades. Obviously it wasn’t that predictable, as this moron picked them to cover. I see them bouncing back to redeem themselves and yours truly against the wounded Wildcats.
KY 13
AU 34
CB
Blue Grass Smokin’ 9
The Dream is Over 25
EGM
Cats Rebuilding again? 17
Plainsmen 31
South Carolina at Alabama (-17), 7:45
CB
A short trip back to Tuscaloosa from Oxford and the Tide are gearing up for what COULD be a great game. Spurrier has all but called this the Gamecocks marquee game of the year, so it appears that they are aiming at spoiling homecoming for Saban and crew. How did that sound? Did I get you believing that this game was gonna be close, or even a road win for the Ol’ Ball Coach? HAHA! Sure Bama’s gonna start off slow maybe punt a few times early, but seriously, unless they are completely unprepared for this game, the Tide aren’t going to struggle for long. There’s a script for their games. Run, run, incomplete, punt. Do that for the first quarter, then BOOM, 56 yard run by Ingram. Interception returned for a touchdown, McElroy to Jones for a 40 yard bomb, and the rout is on. Sorry Stevie, you’re team may keep your visor on your head for a bit, but after a few rounds with the Crimson, the Cocks won’t be able to keep up…
Cawks 22
Tiiiiiiiiide 44
ML
Cocky 14
Pachy 24
EGM
Cocks 13
Bamer 17
Tennessee - OFF
ML
First SEC win for Kiffin last week….I hope he celebrates by watching me bang his wife.
LSU - OFF
The Dinnercruise Gambler Strikes
First, the all good news from the Casino. The Harrah’s New Orleans Casino is very good to me. It has been the site of several fun and profitable nights, including the blackout incident of 2001 where I came out $1,400 ahead. On this trip, it was mostly craps. (Name redacted) went on a 25-minute heater.
At one point this LSU coon-ass and his peanut gallery get up to shoot. No lie, he shot for 42 minutes, made 8 points, and everyone a ton of money. He and I shed all LSU-UF hatred during these rolls. Overall, my best guess is that I won about $350 on the trip.
Scorched Earth
As soon as we arrived, it was clear that the tailgating situation was going to limited and crazy. There had been an inch of rain the day before, and the entire campus had a half inch of muck on it. Many LSU girls and guys were wearing galoshes or duck hunting boots. We had to relocate everything from our parking spot to a ridge near a sidewalk. Some solid pre-drinking took place. LSU fans were bad, as usual. General Order #1853 “Scorched Earth Tailgating” was enforced with extreme abandon. My favorite move was to just drop whatever I was holding when I was done.
The He-coon Talks Trash
Plenty of jawing off. Some interesting things happened with that:
• Two LSU tailgates broke out in a giant fight with each other. They were set up in a real muddy area. Some of the girls were fighting each other in the mud, so we got free show. Later we found out that a lesbian girl had been making out with her girlfriend’s brother. This sparked a fight between the two HIGH SCHOOLS that were out tailgating the game.
• I was getting some trash talk from a real bumpkin who was wearing rubber boots. After he said his bit, I threw two quarters at the ground in front of him and said “Here’s 50 cents, go buy yourself some proper shoes, on me.” He got pissed at this, but his friends were laughing at the joke so he had no backup. He said something about my momma, to which I replied: “your broke ass should pick up my charity quarters.” And here is the best part- he picked them up. This was the closest to fighting I came that day.
• “Go home Gators!” reply: “I can’t wait”
• “This is our house!” reply: “Your house is a giant shithole.
When we returned to NO, the van was completely trashed, tire slashed, wheel underinflated, seats broken, cigar smoke. We might be on the hook for some extra cleanup fees.
Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Week VII
October 15, 2009
Cincinnati at USF (+3), 7:30
EGM
The Big East showdown of the year...until one of these teams plays West Virginia or Pitt. Just thinking about those four teams makes me realize how the Big East is superior to the ACC.
Cincy has two likely first round picks in Tony Pike and Mardy Gilyard. Usf has two future NFL defensive ends in George Selvie and Jason Pierre Paul. Other than those players and USF's averagish frosh qb there isn't much to say about these teams. I imagine that USF will have difficulty running and throwing the football just because offense isn’t their “thing.” Perhaps Jim Leavitt has yet to headbutt a concrete wall enough times to figure out “offense.” Something tells me it doesn’t work that way anways. Meanwhile, despite USF ineptitude in the offensive arts, I’m betting they’ll get a defensive score to keep this one close until the fourth quarter. Cincy had big trouble with Va Tech’s defense last year and I’m sure USF will have watched those tapes. Unfortunately, they don’t have the same caliber of players to execute that game pla
Bearcats 24
Bulls 14
CB
Cincy 24
EwSef 25
ML
What's a Bearcat? 31
Tougher than a Bull 20
Cincinnati at USF (+3), 7:30
EGM
The Big East showdown of the year...until one of these teams plays West Virginia or Pitt. Just thinking about those four teams makes me realize how the Big East is superior to the ACC.
Cincy has two likely first round picks in Tony Pike and Mardy Gilyard. Usf has two future NFL defensive ends in George Selvie and Jason Pierre Paul. Other than those players and USF's averagish frosh qb there isn't much to say about these teams. I imagine that USF will have difficulty running and throwing the football just because offense isn’t their “thing.” Perhaps Jim Leavitt has yet to headbutt a concrete wall enough times to figure out “offense.” Something tells me it doesn’t work that way anways. Meanwhile, despite USF ineptitude in the offensive arts, I’m betting they’ll get a defensive score to keep this one close until the fourth quarter. Cincy had big trouble with Va Tech’s defense last year and I’m sure USF will have watched those tapes. Unfortunately, they don’t have the same caliber of players to execute that game pla
Bearcats 24
Bulls 14
CB
Cincy 24
EwSef 25
ML
What's a Bearcat? 31
Tougher than a Bull 20
Thursday, October 08, 2009
Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Week VI
El Gran Mono
Hands down, this is easily the best week in the SEC so far. I’m sure it would have been more prestigious in the eyes of the MSM if Ole Miss had not lost to the Cocks. However, reason alone says there was no chance Ole Miss was running through the SEC without three losses (including the impending loss to Bama). I think there is another “big” game on Saturday but I’ll leave that for later…
Happy B-Day to the Cuz!
Cuzzin’ Bailey
So I honestly thought if I waited long enough in the week I would have some news about Tebow to report and comment on…I was wrong. It totally looks like its gonna be a game-time decision and that’s cool, I’m totally confident in Brantley starting his first game ever in Death Valley at NIGHT (he says, completely full of shit). Anyways, huge group of friends heading to N’awlins minus me, I guess since I just left the dirty 30 club I have to tone down my antics…anyways, pretty good weekend of CFB we have in the SEC…I’ll just limp my old ass over to the picks section…
Malt Licker
Big Game WEEKEND!!!! Many of our loyal readers have made the trek to coonass land, and will no doubt get lubed up on Hurricanes and Hand Grenades. It’s almost a full slate of SEC action, with the night cap staking claim to game of the year. I hope all the players realize that whenever they score they should place the ball on the ground, run toward their own sideline, and avoid eye contact with everyone. Anything else would be excessive and might merit a suspension. The rest of the country has nothing else going on, so we tripled up on the game of the week like its last name is Tequila.
Auburn at Arkansas (+3), 12
ML
Major trap game for the Plainsmen, they are 5-0 and riding high after taking it to the Vols last week, and are 5th in the nation in yards per game. Unfortunately, Auburn’s trademark tough defense has not arrived yet, as they gave up 400+ yard to Crapton and Co. The Hawgs represented for the SEC by slaughtering the Aggies in Dallas. I see a lot of points this week. If Arkansas can contain Ben Tate and Onterio McCalebb, they could cover and win out right. Unfortunately they don’t have any players with misspelled Canadian provinces for first names.
Onterio Rules 38
Suh-Skatchyujuan drools 30
EGM
Plainsmen 28
Hawgs 35
CB
Orburn 23
Arkansizzle 24
Vandy at Army (+10.5), 12
ML
Boy….you can tell who had the last pick this week. I hate writing about Vanderbilt; there is nothing new or interesting to say. Pretty apropos, as there is nothing new or interesting about this pretentious university. I wish UF could play at Army; I’d love to watch a game at West Point. I hope the Cadets don’t think the Dores are what the SEC is all about. They are too smart for that.
Dores 21
Cadets 14
EGM
Dores 24
Black Knights 10
ML
Schmandy 34
ARMY 21
Georgia at Tennessee (Pk), 12:21
EGM
We have certainly reached the moment when we can definitively state that SEC officials are as bad or worse than ACC officials. And that’s pretty shitty folks. See 2002 FL-FSU as an exemplar if you need reminding. And for the SEC, see UGA-LSU. That said, if Georgia tackles a little better this wouldn’t have been an issue.
Against the Plainsmen, the Vols once again proved they have no ability to pass. Hardesty is definitely a stud but Georgia should be smart enough to sniff that action out. Meanwhile, Joe Cox has had problems of his own. Sometimes he misses receivers by 20 ft and at other times he hits receivers in stride 30 yards downfield. If Georgia’s running game was more consistent then I would predict them to win by at least ten. Lane Kiffin is so good he has yet to win an SEC game. Maybe he’ll shout down the AD for not scheduling Vandy and Kentucky earlier in the season.
Road Dawgs 21
Ofer the SEC 17
CB
UGly 22
slUTs 21
ML
Uga 24
Smokey 13
Kentucky at South Carolina (-11.5), 12:30
CB
I love how USCe has totally separated themselves from the shit pile of the SEC East. Now when someone tells us Gator fans about how crappy our schedule is, the Gamecocks are the LAST team they mention! Congrats, you are now the best of the crummy teams that UF plays. What to say here…UK’s QB Hartline is just ridiculously terrible and the ‘Cocks’ Garcia es bien. This will be the 3rd straight decent to great defense that the ‘Cats have faced in as many weeks (this one being on the “decent” side), so while you can look for the late scoring drive or the missed assignment(s) keeping Kensucky in this one, I think we might (just might) see Spur-Dawg open up a can of whoop-ass…not a big can, but one of those single-serving cans you find in the lunchables aisle…
UKizzle 14
Sorth Caroline 26
EGM
Kats 13
Cocks 24
ML
Tucky 14
Cockalacky 31
Houston at Mississippi State +3
EGM
How many out of conference games does Miss State play? It seems like light years since they blew the LSU game. The Coogs come into this game after getting plowed by UTEP. I think they gave up 400+ rushing yards and 50 points. Given the fact that UTEP completely blows, I think Miss State actually has a chance to win. Case Keenum is definitely a good player but he can’t play defense. I imagine this lack of defense will lead to a Tyson Lee/Anthony Dixon SEC Player of the Week award. Its hard to believe Miss State is getting three points after Houston showed their true colors.
Coogs 31
Other Dawgs 41
CB
Outta the 25 45
Mess State 17
ML
Cougs 24
MSU 14
Alabama at Ole Miss (+7), 3:30
CB
This is an interesting game, and I say that for a number of reasons, but for your reading enjoyment I’ll just breeze by a few of them. Number 1: while we’re picking this game at the opening line of 7, it has since dropped to 4.5. I’m not going to be stupid and imply that the gamblahs don’t know something I don’t, but I’m an ESPN.com whore and I haven’t heard shit. Number 2: this kind of correlates to the first one, I mean Ole Miss lost to USCe two weeks ago and “meh’ed” their way to a win AT Vandy last Saturday. While Bama has man-handled every team in their path since beating a good VT team at the beginning of the season. These two reasons make me wonder why the line/confidence in the Tide is dropping as the week progresses. I mean I get that Jevan Snead is good and that the Rebs were a team that took a lot of folks for surprise last year, but this new deflated line implies that I don’t know something (which is ridiculous). So I pulled my rabbit out of my hat and ran the numbers. Let’s see: Alabama has lost 3 games to Mississippi since 1992 (including a mysterious forfeit in ’93) but more recently, i.e. ’05 and up, the scores have all been 3 point Crimson wins with the exception of last year’s close 4 point vic in Tuscaloosa (I was there, very exciting). I think I know what’s going on here. Regardless of the talent, the Rebs come to play for this game, especially lately. SO after all that, I seriously haven’t learned anything. I’m just gonna say that I probably think that Bama will win, their defense is sick and their running game is scaring me as a Gator fan (and we aren’t gonna play them til December). It all comes down to Snead. If he can make his throws, and not play like punk he did in Columbia, this will be closer than the early spread, if he doesn’t come through, it’ll be close early, and then Bama will probably pull away…
Roll TIIIIIIIIIDE 28
Passin’ Rebs 20
EGM
Bama 21
Rebs 20
ML
Satan 31
Nutt 28
Florida at LSU (+8.5), 8
EGM
Will Timmy play? I think not. The guy couldn’t watch TV until earlier this week let alone run people over. Johnny Brantley is a capable backup and should be a capable steward of the offense. The real story in this game. will Jordan Jefferson throw three picks or four? The guy has one of the slowest deliveries outside of a Japanese pitcher that I’ve ever seen. That fact compounded with his penchant for locking on his receivers does not bode well for the Cajuns. I’m sure any LSU fan is probably worked up after the Jefferson hate and is now saying things like “what about our defense?” and “Rahim Alem!”. I hate (love) bursting that bubble but LSU’s defense is not that great. They have serious issues stopping the run and have no pass rush. See Miss State game.
The story before the game will focus entirely on Tebow but the Gators defense and ball hawking secondary are the real story. LSU won’t put double digits on the board. Cuzzin’ “rag arm” Bailey could manage the Gators offense this week and they would still win. Eat the points even if its “at night”.
Gators 31
Tiggers 9
CB
I like this format. I like having the opportunity to talk about my Gators. My favorite line in the past two weeks has been this from a Tigah fan, “Personally, I hope Tebow plays so when yall lose, we won’t have hear none of that ‘oh if only he’d played’ crap.” Basically what that douchebag was saying was this, in between Cajun grumblings, “We KNOW we can’t beat yall unless da Son of da Lawd is riding da pine.” What we’ve got here is failure to communicate. Some Cajuns you just can’t reach, so you get what we got here, which is the way they want it, well, they get it. Tebow may or may not play, all I know is that now Les Miles is preparing for two different quarterbacks, so that might give us some kind of advantage. But the thing that has been completely overlooked with Concussion-Gate going on is the fact that we have a really f*cking good defense. I know LSU’s D is supposedly “good” as well, but they are the ones that almost got run out of the high school stadium aka Davis-Wade in Starkvegas. Hate to sound like a broken record, but this is another case where if the QB with the question mark by his name can make plays, but more importantly keep the mistakes to a minimum, it will change the entire dynamic of the game. If young Johnny Brantley can “Chris Leak” his way through this game, then we may have another quarterback controversy in Gainesville. Haha just kidding, but seriously, let’s win, after all, Purple shirt? Yellow britches? Go to hell you Cajun bitches!
GATORS! 30
LSU BLEAUXS 21
ML
Man o man, 2 years ago I made the trek to Nawlins and the Red Stick, only to watch LSU convert 9 consecutive 4th downs and sending our beloved Gators home with a heartbreaking loss. This year, we may have to go in without Superman. If we can shut down LSU’s run game and force Jefferson to throw the ball, our ball hawking secondary will take over the game. If Urban doesn’t think Tebow can play full bore, he shouldn’t play. I fully expect a raucous crowd, and an early break for the Tigers, if we can weather that storm, our talent on the lines should spell the difference, with or without Tebow.
Urban’s W 24
Les’ L 10
Hands down, this is easily the best week in the SEC so far. I’m sure it would have been more prestigious in the eyes of the MSM if Ole Miss had not lost to the Cocks. However, reason alone says there was no chance Ole Miss was running through the SEC without three losses (including the impending loss to Bama). I think there is another “big” game on Saturday but I’ll leave that for later…
Happy B-Day to the Cuz!
Cuzzin’ Bailey
So I honestly thought if I waited long enough in the week I would have some news about Tebow to report and comment on…I was wrong. It totally looks like its gonna be a game-time decision and that’s cool, I’m totally confident in Brantley starting his first game ever in Death Valley at NIGHT (he says, completely full of shit). Anyways, huge group of friends heading to N’awlins minus me, I guess since I just left the dirty 30 club I have to tone down my antics…anyways, pretty good weekend of CFB we have in the SEC…I’ll just limp my old ass over to the picks section…
Malt Licker
Big Game WEEKEND!!!! Many of our loyal readers have made the trek to coonass land, and will no doubt get lubed up on Hurricanes and Hand Grenades. It’s almost a full slate of SEC action, with the night cap staking claim to game of the year. I hope all the players realize that whenever they score they should place the ball on the ground, run toward their own sideline, and avoid eye contact with everyone. Anything else would be excessive and might merit a suspension. The rest of the country has nothing else going on, so we tripled up on the game of the week like its last name is Tequila.
Auburn at Arkansas (+3), 12
ML
Major trap game for the Plainsmen, they are 5-0 and riding high after taking it to the Vols last week, and are 5th in the nation in yards per game. Unfortunately, Auburn’s trademark tough defense has not arrived yet, as they gave up 400+ yard to Crapton and Co. The Hawgs represented for the SEC by slaughtering the Aggies in Dallas. I see a lot of points this week. If Arkansas can contain Ben Tate and Onterio McCalebb, they could cover and win out right. Unfortunately they don’t have any players with misspelled Canadian provinces for first names.
Onterio Rules 38
Suh-Skatchyujuan drools 30
EGM
Plainsmen 28
Hawgs 35
CB
Orburn 23
Arkansizzle 24
Vandy at Army (+10.5), 12
ML
Boy….you can tell who had the last pick this week. I hate writing about Vanderbilt; there is nothing new or interesting to say. Pretty apropos, as there is nothing new or interesting about this pretentious university. I wish UF could play at Army; I’d love to watch a game at West Point. I hope the Cadets don’t think the Dores are what the SEC is all about. They are too smart for that.
Dores 21
Cadets 14
EGM
Dores 24
Black Knights 10
ML
Schmandy 34
ARMY 21
Georgia at Tennessee (Pk), 12:21
EGM
We have certainly reached the moment when we can definitively state that SEC officials are as bad or worse than ACC officials. And that’s pretty shitty folks. See 2002 FL-FSU as an exemplar if you need reminding. And for the SEC, see UGA-LSU. That said, if Georgia tackles a little better this wouldn’t have been an issue.
Against the Plainsmen, the Vols once again proved they have no ability to pass. Hardesty is definitely a stud but Georgia should be smart enough to sniff that action out. Meanwhile, Joe Cox has had problems of his own. Sometimes he misses receivers by 20 ft and at other times he hits receivers in stride 30 yards downfield. If Georgia’s running game was more consistent then I would predict them to win by at least ten. Lane Kiffin is so good he has yet to win an SEC game. Maybe he’ll shout down the AD for not scheduling Vandy and Kentucky earlier in the season.
Road Dawgs 21
Ofer the SEC 17
CB
UGly 22
slUTs 21
ML
Uga 24
Smokey 13
Kentucky at South Carolina (-11.5), 12:30
CB
I love how USCe has totally separated themselves from the shit pile of the SEC East. Now when someone tells us Gator fans about how crappy our schedule is, the Gamecocks are the LAST team they mention! Congrats, you are now the best of the crummy teams that UF plays. What to say here…UK’s QB Hartline is just ridiculously terrible and the ‘Cocks’ Garcia es bien. This will be the 3rd straight decent to great defense that the ‘Cats have faced in as many weeks (this one being on the “decent” side), so while you can look for the late scoring drive or the missed assignment(s) keeping Kensucky in this one, I think we might (just might) see Spur-Dawg open up a can of whoop-ass…not a big can, but one of those single-serving cans you find in the lunchables aisle…
UKizzle 14
Sorth Caroline 26
EGM
Kats 13
Cocks 24
ML
Tucky 14
Cockalacky 31
Houston at Mississippi State +3
EGM
How many out of conference games does Miss State play? It seems like light years since they blew the LSU game. The Coogs come into this game after getting plowed by UTEP. I think they gave up 400+ rushing yards and 50 points. Given the fact that UTEP completely blows, I think Miss State actually has a chance to win. Case Keenum is definitely a good player but he can’t play defense. I imagine this lack of defense will lead to a Tyson Lee/Anthony Dixon SEC Player of the Week award. Its hard to believe Miss State is getting three points after Houston showed their true colors.
Coogs 31
Other Dawgs 41
CB
Outta the 25 45
Mess State 17
ML
Cougs 24
MSU 14
Alabama at Ole Miss (+7), 3:30
CB
This is an interesting game, and I say that for a number of reasons, but for your reading enjoyment I’ll just breeze by a few of them. Number 1: while we’re picking this game at the opening line of 7, it has since dropped to 4.5. I’m not going to be stupid and imply that the gamblahs don’t know something I don’t, but I’m an ESPN.com whore and I haven’t heard shit. Number 2: this kind of correlates to the first one, I mean Ole Miss lost to USCe two weeks ago and “meh’ed” their way to a win AT Vandy last Saturday. While Bama has man-handled every team in their path since beating a good VT team at the beginning of the season. These two reasons make me wonder why the line/confidence in the Tide is dropping as the week progresses. I mean I get that Jevan Snead is good and that the Rebs were a team that took a lot of folks for surprise last year, but this new deflated line implies that I don’t know something (which is ridiculous). So I pulled my rabbit out of my hat and ran the numbers. Let’s see: Alabama has lost 3 games to Mississippi since 1992 (including a mysterious forfeit in ’93) but more recently, i.e. ’05 and up, the scores have all been 3 point Crimson wins with the exception of last year’s close 4 point vic in Tuscaloosa (I was there, very exciting). I think I know what’s going on here. Regardless of the talent, the Rebs come to play for this game, especially lately. SO after all that, I seriously haven’t learned anything. I’m just gonna say that I probably think that Bama will win, their defense is sick and their running game is scaring me as a Gator fan (and we aren’t gonna play them til December). It all comes down to Snead. If he can make his throws, and not play like punk he did in Columbia, this will be closer than the early spread, if he doesn’t come through, it’ll be close early, and then Bama will probably pull away…
Roll TIIIIIIIIIDE 28
Passin’ Rebs 20
EGM
Bama 21
Rebs 20
ML
Satan 31
Nutt 28
Florida at LSU (+8.5), 8
EGM
Will Timmy play? I think not. The guy couldn’t watch TV until earlier this week let alone run people over. Johnny Brantley is a capable backup and should be a capable steward of the offense. The real story in this game. will Jordan Jefferson throw three picks or four? The guy has one of the slowest deliveries outside of a Japanese pitcher that I’ve ever seen. That fact compounded with his penchant for locking on his receivers does not bode well for the Cajuns. I’m sure any LSU fan is probably worked up after the Jefferson hate and is now saying things like “what about our defense?” and “Rahim Alem!”. I hate (love) bursting that bubble but LSU’s defense is not that great. They have serious issues stopping the run and have no pass rush. See Miss State game.
The story before the game will focus entirely on Tebow but the Gators defense and ball hawking secondary are the real story. LSU won’t put double digits on the board. Cuzzin’ “rag arm” Bailey could manage the Gators offense this week and they would still win. Eat the points even if its “at night”.
Gators 31
Tiggers 9
CB
I like this format. I like having the opportunity to talk about my Gators. My favorite line in the past two weeks has been this from a Tigah fan, “Personally, I hope Tebow plays so when yall lose, we won’t have hear none of that ‘oh if only he’d played’ crap.” Basically what that douchebag was saying was this, in between Cajun grumblings, “We KNOW we can’t beat yall unless da Son of da Lawd is riding da pine.” What we’ve got here is failure to communicate. Some Cajuns you just can’t reach, so you get what we got here, which is the way they want it, well, they get it. Tebow may or may not play, all I know is that now Les Miles is preparing for two different quarterbacks, so that might give us some kind of advantage. But the thing that has been completely overlooked with Concussion-Gate going on is the fact that we have a really f*cking good defense. I know LSU’s D is supposedly “good” as well, but they are the ones that almost got run out of the high school stadium aka Davis-Wade in Starkvegas. Hate to sound like a broken record, but this is another case where if the QB with the question mark by his name can make plays, but more importantly keep the mistakes to a minimum, it will change the entire dynamic of the game. If young Johnny Brantley can “Chris Leak” his way through this game, then we may have another quarterback controversy in Gainesville. Haha just kidding, but seriously, let’s win, after all, Purple shirt? Yellow britches? Go to hell you Cajun bitches!
GATORS! 30
LSU BLEAUXS 21
ML
Man o man, 2 years ago I made the trek to Nawlins and the Red Stick, only to watch LSU convert 9 consecutive 4th downs and sending our beloved Gators home with a heartbreaking loss. This year, we may have to go in without Superman. If we can shut down LSU’s run game and force Jefferson to throw the ball, our ball hawking secondary will take over the game. If Urban doesn’t think Tebow can play full bore, he shouldn’t play. I fully expect a raucous crowd, and an early break for the Tigers, if we can weather that storm, our talent on the lines should spell the difference, with or without Tebow.
Urban’s W 24
Les’ L 10
Thursday, October 01, 2009
Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Week V
ML
I don’t know about the rest of you, but my heart is finally out of the pit of my stomach. Watching Timmy knocked out like that scared the living hell out of me. I watched the games with my parents and my Mom kept saying, “look how his head snapped forward,” prompting me to bite her head off. Anyway, I know LSU is a big game, but we should be extra cautious and avoid rushing Tebow back, if he has another concussion shortly after this one it might end his career, not to mention ruin his quality of life. Luckily, our Gators are enjoying a much-needed week off. I hope Johnny Brantley is in the film room and showing his teammates that he can lead them into battle if needed. There are some big games in the SEC this week, so there will be plenty of football to watch
EGM
Back in the editor’s chair this week and feeling quite rested. The 6-3 record ATS doesn’t hurt either. Unfortunately, my colleagues decided to match my brilliance and prevented me from gaining further ground. Did you hear that Tim Tebow sustained a concussion? Yeah, me either.
Cuzzin Bailey
This is Cuzzin Bailey coming to you live from Gainesville, FL. Apparently, and I stress the word apparently, Tim Tebow was injured last weekend. I’m just reiterating this in case you haven’t heard the news. Psychotic fans were rejoicing everywhere this past Saturday as Tim lay on the bluegrass motionless (trust me, I saw that behavior here in ________, Fl). Anyways, that’s all behind me now. UF has a week off so there’s no need for me to go on an anti-Vol, or Tiger, or Dawg tirade at this point. But let me talk about something else that bothers me. When are you considered old enough to complain anonymously about your unruly apartment complex neighbors’ noise? I feel like a crotchety old man. Alright enough of that…here’s a quick rundown of what’s happening in college football: Looks like Sam Bradford is out this weekend, Alabama is good, LSU is not, Auburn is unproven and Lane Kiffin is still an asshole…on to the picks!
October 3, 2009
12:21pm
Alabama at Kentucky (+17)
CB
I wasn’t kidding when I said that Bama is good. They are really showing that the power run game is still a marquee form of offense. McElroy, the Tide QB, is proving that he is much more reliable than JP Wilson from last year, and while they may not come at you and lay down 31 points in the 1st quarter, they will probably put a bigger hurting on the defensive line than UF did. I would look for Alabama running back Ingram to have a big game with over 100 yards and 3 TDs, while the Cats still revel in their teams ability to finally get at Tebow, like it was catnip…
Tiiiiiiiiiiiide 40
Kensucky 3
ML
Rammer 30
Spanktucky 10
EGM
Bamer 31
KY 10
3:30pm
LSU at UGA (-2)
ML
Joe Cox and the Dawgs edged out ASU with a late field goal last week, and Les and the Bengals were lucky to escape Starkville unscathed. LSU is unlikely to look ahead to next week, as they are a slight underdog heading into Athens. It may boil down to Chad Jones vs. A.J. Green. Each player carried their teams to victory last week and the winner of that matchup will be crucial. Coach pRicht’s Bulldogs have been sloppy holding onto the ball this year, which must frustrate the balding coach. Anyone who’s ever seen him work at the Tifton rest stop knows how much values taking care of balls.
LSU 20
Our coach will lick you 17
EGM
Cajuns 17
Dawgs 24
CB
LSYOUSUCK 24
Ugh, a home loss 23
7:00pm
South Carolina State at South Carolina (NL)
EGM
South Carolina State may be a “new state of mind” according to their website but their football program stinks like old potatoes. Drunky Garcia could drink a gallon of Mickey’s Ice and still throw 3 touchys in this one.
HBC Style Bulldogs 3
Cocks 38
ML
Historically Black Bulldogs 3
Cocks 45
CB
Sorth Carolina Stizzle 6
Cocks Blow 40
Ole Miss at Vanderbilt (+9.5)
ML
After losing last Thursday, Houston’s boys had an extra 2 days to lick their wounds and think about the loss to SC. The Jevan Snead Heisman Campaign and the Rebs’ top five status fell victim to the ESPN Thursday night curse. Now they find themselves out of the top 20 and looking to rebound against the Dores. Meanwhile, Vandy finds itself in a familiar position, the bottom of the SEC. They “kept it close” against LSU and Miss. State. You know your program has low expectations when a loss to MSU at home is anything other than an embarrassment.
Miss 28
Vandy 10
EGM
Rebs 37
Dores 13
CB
Ole Miss 31
Vandahbelt 20
7:30pm
Georgia Tech at Mississippi State (+4)
EGM
My comments about Ga Tech’s offense caused some serious backlash from our number one Yellow Jacket reader/supporter. Perhaps, the true revenge came when I was stung about 15 times by Yellow Jackets in my back yard about a month ago. If Georgia Tech had a better defense I would have taken this event as a sign of a possible national championship run.
This year I have much more respect for the Tech wicked running attack. Despite that respect, Miss State appears to be much improved under Mullen and should stay closer than last year…and by closer I mean 8-10 points.
We like to run 28
We like to lose 20
ML
Tech 28
State 20
CB
Smart People in GA? 34
Mess State 20
Arkansas at Texas A&M (+2)
ML
Remember the days of the ol’ South West Conference? Where every coach was crooked and they all ran the wishbone? Now these two teams bring their fancy passing offenses to Jerry Jones’ state of the art new stadium. Did you hear Jerry Jones has a new stadium? Apparently it has a really big scoreboard too. Aren’t you glad I’m here? You probably would not have heard about it. The Aggies are undefeated, but the meat of their schedule starts this week, as they look to gig the hawgs with their spread-read option attack. Coach Petrino, aka “the Soul-less One” needs to bounce back after a big L in Tuscaloosa. If they can eliminate the big play, they should be able to edge the Aggies and make Mr. Jones a happy man.
Sooey 34
Gig-less 20
EGM
Hawgs 28
Ags 24
CB
Abandon Ark 35
Arts & Musicians? 17
7:45pm
Auburn at Tennessee (-2)
CB
I can’t tell you how happy I am that I get to be the one that writes about this game. These are two of my most hated team s in the SEC. But to be legit for a few seconds, I’ll talk about the game. Here are my impressions from looking at the numbers (my favorite way of picking): Looks like Aubs has a pretty good offense and UT has a great defense. It seems as though its possible to score on the Tigers, but are we talking about UT running the football 50 times in order to notch 30+ points? I don’t see that happening. I also don’t see a point in giving the Vuls any cred for home field advantage. They lost to UCLA in Neyland Stadium for God’s sake. I think that UT’s O hasn’t gotten that much better and I further believe that Auburn is better than most folks give them credit for…Here are the two scenarios I envision. 1) Auburn tosses the rock around but makes some costly turnovers early and never recovers as UT pounces on them quick, or 2) The Tigers still play pretty wide open without allowing those TOs and sends the Vols Navy back to their riverside trailer parks a few hours earlier than they expected…hard to root for either occurrence, but since Kiffin is probably the anti-Christ, I’ll “support” Auburn this time only…
Aubbie belongs in a zoo 23
Hate UT 13
ML
Tigers 24
Vols 20
EGM
Plainsmen 24
Vols 13
CB
Florida – OFF
And now I get write about my favorite team in the SEC. Here’s what I have learned in the past week: Regardless about how much folks hate UF and Tim Tebow, I never expected to see and hear celebration when there was a chance he was paralyzed, laying there on the field. It really surprised me. Anyways, with the possibility that TT won’t be cleared for next week’s game, it may be Johnny Brantley time (one year early). I don’t think I’m necessarily worried about his abilities. He’s got a heck of an arm and doesn’t seem like anything on earth bothers him, but its that damn streak of LSU’s that is pissing me off. They haven’t lost a home night game since like 05? That game seems like a time when we would need all our top guys and all of ‘em playing their top game…I guess we’ll just have to see what happens this week if we really need to consider LSU a “test.” Til then, GO GATORS, bury the rest.
Game of the Week
8:00
Oklahoma at Miami (+7.5)
EGM
And reality cometh to my Alma Mater of lesser note. Did Miami fans really think they were going to kick ass in Blacksburg? No one does that, let alone teams that have 250 lbs DTs. Beamer ball and a strong running game were too strong for the Canes. Jacory Harris also looked like the young, erratic QB that he truly is.
Seven and half is always a scary line but I think Vegas is trying to scare people away from Oklahoma. The Sooners have a much improved defense and their offense appears to be clicking again. Landry Jones can sling it around a little and the Sooners big, albeit young OL, should push around the small Miami DL. Demarco Murray and Chris Brown should run wild.
To sum it up, this game won’t be close. The Sooners defense and offense is dramatically better than Va Tech’s. My dog says this is the Bone Cold Lock of the week.
Boomer Sooner 41
Canes 13
ML
Boomer Sooner 34
Down and Coked out 20
CB
Dust Bowl 24
Coke Bowl 27
I don’t know about the rest of you, but my heart is finally out of the pit of my stomach. Watching Timmy knocked out like that scared the living hell out of me. I watched the games with my parents and my Mom kept saying, “look how his head snapped forward,” prompting me to bite her head off. Anyway, I know LSU is a big game, but we should be extra cautious and avoid rushing Tebow back, if he has another concussion shortly after this one it might end his career, not to mention ruin his quality of life. Luckily, our Gators are enjoying a much-needed week off. I hope Johnny Brantley is in the film room and showing his teammates that he can lead them into battle if needed. There are some big games in the SEC this week, so there will be plenty of football to watch
EGM
Back in the editor’s chair this week and feeling quite rested. The 6-3 record ATS doesn’t hurt either. Unfortunately, my colleagues decided to match my brilliance and prevented me from gaining further ground. Did you hear that Tim Tebow sustained a concussion? Yeah, me either.
Cuzzin Bailey
This is Cuzzin Bailey coming to you live from Gainesville, FL. Apparently, and I stress the word apparently, Tim Tebow was injured last weekend. I’m just reiterating this in case you haven’t heard the news. Psychotic fans were rejoicing everywhere this past Saturday as Tim lay on the bluegrass motionless (trust me, I saw that behavior here in ________, Fl). Anyways, that’s all behind me now. UF has a week off so there’s no need for me to go on an anti-Vol, or Tiger, or Dawg tirade at this point. But let me talk about something else that bothers me. When are you considered old enough to complain anonymously about your unruly apartment complex neighbors’ noise? I feel like a crotchety old man. Alright enough of that…here’s a quick rundown of what’s happening in college football: Looks like Sam Bradford is out this weekend, Alabama is good, LSU is not, Auburn is unproven and Lane Kiffin is still an asshole…on to the picks!
October 3, 2009
12:21pm
Alabama at Kentucky (+17)
CB
I wasn’t kidding when I said that Bama is good. They are really showing that the power run game is still a marquee form of offense. McElroy, the Tide QB, is proving that he is much more reliable than JP Wilson from last year, and while they may not come at you and lay down 31 points in the 1st quarter, they will probably put a bigger hurting on the defensive line than UF did. I would look for Alabama running back Ingram to have a big game with over 100 yards and 3 TDs, while the Cats still revel in their teams ability to finally get at Tebow, like it was catnip…
Tiiiiiiiiiiiide 40
Kensucky 3
ML
Rammer 30
Spanktucky 10
EGM
Bamer 31
KY 10
3:30pm
LSU at UGA (-2)
ML
Joe Cox and the Dawgs edged out ASU with a late field goal last week, and Les and the Bengals were lucky to escape Starkville unscathed. LSU is unlikely to look ahead to next week, as they are a slight underdog heading into Athens. It may boil down to Chad Jones vs. A.J. Green. Each player carried their teams to victory last week and the winner of that matchup will be crucial. Coach pRicht’s Bulldogs have been sloppy holding onto the ball this year, which must frustrate the balding coach. Anyone who’s ever seen him work at the Tifton rest stop knows how much values taking care of balls.
LSU 20
Our coach will lick you 17
EGM
Cajuns 17
Dawgs 24
CB
LSYOUSUCK 24
Ugh, a home loss 23
7:00pm
South Carolina State at South Carolina (NL)
EGM
South Carolina State may be a “new state of mind” according to their website but their football program stinks like old potatoes. Drunky Garcia could drink a gallon of Mickey’s Ice and still throw 3 touchys in this one.
HBC Style Bulldogs 3
Cocks 38
ML
Historically Black Bulldogs 3
Cocks 45
CB
Sorth Carolina Stizzle 6
Cocks Blow 40
Ole Miss at Vanderbilt (+9.5)
ML
After losing last Thursday, Houston’s boys had an extra 2 days to lick their wounds and think about the loss to SC. The Jevan Snead Heisman Campaign and the Rebs’ top five status fell victim to the ESPN Thursday night curse. Now they find themselves out of the top 20 and looking to rebound against the Dores. Meanwhile, Vandy finds itself in a familiar position, the bottom of the SEC. They “kept it close” against LSU and Miss. State. You know your program has low expectations when a loss to MSU at home is anything other than an embarrassment.
Miss 28
Vandy 10
EGM
Rebs 37
Dores 13
CB
Ole Miss 31
Vandahbelt 20
7:30pm
Georgia Tech at Mississippi State (+4)
EGM
My comments about Ga Tech’s offense caused some serious backlash from our number one Yellow Jacket reader/supporter. Perhaps, the true revenge came when I was stung about 15 times by Yellow Jackets in my back yard about a month ago. If Georgia Tech had a better defense I would have taken this event as a sign of a possible national championship run.
This year I have much more respect for the Tech wicked running attack. Despite that respect, Miss State appears to be much improved under Mullen and should stay closer than last year…and by closer I mean 8-10 points.
We like to run 28
We like to lose 20
ML
Tech 28
State 20
CB
Smart People in GA? 34
Mess State 20
Arkansas at Texas A&M (+2)
ML
Remember the days of the ol’ South West Conference? Where every coach was crooked and they all ran the wishbone? Now these two teams bring their fancy passing offenses to Jerry Jones’ state of the art new stadium. Did you hear Jerry Jones has a new stadium? Apparently it has a really big scoreboard too. Aren’t you glad I’m here? You probably would not have heard about it. The Aggies are undefeated, but the meat of their schedule starts this week, as they look to gig the hawgs with their spread-read option attack. Coach Petrino, aka “the Soul-less One” needs to bounce back after a big L in Tuscaloosa. If they can eliminate the big play, they should be able to edge the Aggies and make Mr. Jones a happy man.
Sooey 34
Gig-less 20
EGM
Hawgs 28
Ags 24
CB
Abandon Ark 35
Arts & Musicians? 17
7:45pm
Auburn at Tennessee (-2)
CB
I can’t tell you how happy I am that I get to be the one that writes about this game. These are two of my most hated team s in the SEC. But to be legit for a few seconds, I’ll talk about the game. Here are my impressions from looking at the numbers (my favorite way of picking): Looks like Aubs has a pretty good offense and UT has a great defense. It seems as though its possible to score on the Tigers, but are we talking about UT running the football 50 times in order to notch 30+ points? I don’t see that happening. I also don’t see a point in giving the Vuls any cred for home field advantage. They lost to UCLA in Neyland Stadium for God’s sake. I think that UT’s O hasn’t gotten that much better and I further believe that Auburn is better than most folks give them credit for…Here are the two scenarios I envision. 1) Auburn tosses the rock around but makes some costly turnovers early and never recovers as UT pounces on them quick, or 2) The Tigers still play pretty wide open without allowing those TOs and sends the Vols Navy back to their riverside trailer parks a few hours earlier than they expected…hard to root for either occurrence, but since Kiffin is probably the anti-Christ, I’ll “support” Auburn this time only…
Aubbie belongs in a zoo 23
Hate UT 13
ML
Tigers 24
Vols 20
EGM
Plainsmen 24
Vols 13
CB
Florida – OFF
And now I get write about my favorite team in the SEC. Here’s what I have learned in the past week: Regardless about how much folks hate UF and Tim Tebow, I never expected to see and hear celebration when there was a chance he was paralyzed, laying there on the field. It really surprised me. Anyways, with the possibility that TT won’t be cleared for next week’s game, it may be Johnny Brantley time (one year early). I don’t think I’m necessarily worried about his abilities. He’s got a heck of an arm and doesn’t seem like anything on earth bothers him, but its that damn streak of LSU’s that is pissing me off. They haven’t lost a home night game since like 05? That game seems like a time when we would need all our top guys and all of ‘em playing their top game…I guess we’ll just have to see what happens this week if we really need to consider LSU a “test.” Til then, GO GATORS, bury the rest.
Game of the Week
8:00
Oklahoma at Miami (+7.5)
EGM
And reality cometh to my Alma Mater of lesser note. Did Miami fans really think they were going to kick ass in Blacksburg? No one does that, let alone teams that have 250 lbs DTs. Beamer ball and a strong running game were too strong for the Canes. Jacory Harris also looked like the young, erratic QB that he truly is.
Seven and half is always a scary line but I think Vegas is trying to scare people away from Oklahoma. The Sooners have a much improved defense and their offense appears to be clicking again. Landry Jones can sling it around a little and the Sooners big, albeit young OL, should push around the small Miami DL. Demarco Murray and Chris Brown should run wild.
To sum it up, this game won’t be close. The Sooners defense and offense is dramatically better than Va Tech’s. My dog says this is the Bone Cold Lock of the week.
Boomer Sooner 41
Canes 13
ML
Boomer Sooner 34
Down and Coked out 20
CB
Dust Bowl 24
Coke Bowl 27
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