Thursday, October 29, 2009

Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Week IX

El Gran Mono
Prepare for negativity my friends, because I’m amped up to trash pretty much every team out there. After all of the top teams struggled (excluding Tejas), the pundits are swarming upon the fact that there is parity in CFB. This usually happens around Week 11 when every player doesn’t turn out exactly as Athlon/Lindys/Sporting News predicted they would. Happy Halloween! I’ll be the guy dressed as a cynical college football fan.

Cuzzin’ Bailey
Big Game this weekend! I always knew that Fla/Ga was a huge deal, but I love the electricity in Jacksonville this week. Well I’m being a little sarcastic, but seriously, now that the game approaches, and my guest list is filled, I cannot wait til Saturday! My Bourbon Girl is bringing her good luck to Jax, some amigos are driving up from the ‘Burg, and the Malt "effing" Licker is making the extra long trip from CougarTown (just to see me); so our tailgate may turn into a full on party. EGM’s pop is gonna be manning the grill, and the shotgunning of beers will commence circa 9:30am. In regards to the game, I am really hoping the awful UGA defense is the cure for whatever is ailing our Redzone offense. I am not NECESSARILY worried we will lose the game as much as I am worried we’ll look like shit doing it. I trust our defense and I’m pretty sure that Joe Cox won’t be the savior this year considering how bad we made Matt Stafford look last year…Go Gators!

Malt Licker
Just finished packing for the trip up to Jville to meet up with Cuzzin Bailey and attend the World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail party. Jeter is facing the Dominican Rat, Pedro Martinez, I have a beer cracked, and I’m looking forward to quitting time Friday afternoon. I just wish El Gran Mono could join us. Last week, the Gators turned in another ugly victory, but are undefeated against the West for the first time since ’96. Mark pRicht and his Dawgs have a week to prepare. Normally this would be considered a “trap game,” but I have no doubt Tebow and the offense will be ultra-motivated, they just might not be that good. It should be a fantastic Halloween in Jacksonville; I’m looking for costume suggestions.

Ole Miss at Auburn (+3.5), 12:21
These are two teams going in opposite directions. Nutt’s Rebs have righted the ship and have won two in a row behind a strong defense. Chiz’ Tigz were just blown out in Baton Rouge and are on the back side of a 3 game losing streak. Ole Piss is looking for its first back-to-back wins over Awbarn in 57 years. I’d be remiss if I didn’t comment on the faux genteel classiness of each school’s douchebag student body. Given the scarcity of bars in the “loveliest little village on the Plains,” it’s a good thing Reb fans are used to drinking in outside.

Spooky Rebels 27
Hungry Tigers 17

Rebs 28
Plainsmen 13

Ole Ma’am 24
Orbarn 21

Georgia v. Florida -16.5, 3:30
World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party! Take that Machenajad! You can’t curb my free speech, SON! Sorry, I had to get that out of the way. I’m not a fan of PC assholes or university President’s who think their limited oligarchy extends to curbing off campus boozing.

On to the actual game. The Gators have a completely shitty passing game highlighted by a QB who refuses to read defenses or throw the ball away. It’s a good thing they have a power running game that now features the I formation and three stud backs. Although UGA is better at stopping the run than the pass, they will still give up yards in chunks (at least until the red zone). The Dawgs offense is pretty one dimensional against any team with a pulse. And the worse part about the one dimension is that its keyed by Joe Cox. Mr Cox will find moving the ball difficult once AJ Green is taken away. I expect that will take about 0 plays considering everyone knows that Green is UGA’s only playmaker. Regardless of UF’s lethargic, predicable offense, I expect a pretty easy win and cover due to UGA’s inability to move the ball.

UGA needs a “safe zone” 10
Craptacular Gators 28

Juhja 13

Losing 17 out of 20 10
Winning 18 in a row 24

Mississippi State at Kentucky (-3), 7
All of a sudden it came to me. As I was watching our Gators struggle against their former coach, I had a thought. I must first ask our readers if they know the name of the child who played Augustus Gloop in the original Willy Wonka. Are we sure it wasn’t a young Dan Mullen? Talk about a doppelganger, I think I saw some fudge stains on Dan’s rosey cheeks. The Kats actually have a winning streak, perhaps delaying the annual autumnal shift in focus to hoops. Are the Dawgs satisfied with the “close loss” to the Gators, or will they actually try to, you know, win?


Miss State 13
KY 17

MISSed Opportunities 23
Kensucks 24

Eastern Michigan at Arkansas (-37.5), 7
By far this is the game of the week! Haha, I am actually not 100% sure I’m going to stay awake while typing this. I understand that Arkansas is still totally preoccupied by the “penalty-gate” in the SEC and that would explain their lame-duck performance last week in Oxford. I’m not saying the Rebs are a pushover, but after the “gutty” showing in Gainesburg two weeks ago, I expected more. But this week, the Hawgs are playing the hapless Eagles from the Eastern part of the Mitten. I fully expect a cover and a “look at how tough we are” outcome in favor of the slighted Razorbacks. Btw, I guess its only a big deal when you play shitbox teams in the BEGINNING of the season.

Arky 47

Its Education First in Ypsilanti 10
Its Football First in Fayetteville 49

Poultry 6
Pork 49

Georgia Tech at Vanderbilt (+11.5), 7:30
I have no problem predicting a full on throttling from Paul Johnson’s triple option Flexbone. I was gonna say that Vandy has been decent even in their losses, but that’s not really true. They’ve been beat pretty handily by UGA, Ole Miss, and LSU. They aren’t giving up HUGE amounts of points, but they can’t score to save their lives. They’ve scored 133 points in 8 games (about 16 points per game). Compare that to GT’s 261 total points, and that’s almost double! I have to admit that watching the Tech games is a guilty pleasure of mine. I am really digging the triple option, and I’m praying that IF we don’t make it to the title game that UF does NOT have to face them in a bowl game. Not saying they can beat us, but right now its seriously clicking and its scary to watch. Combine the fact that everything is going the Yellow Jackets way and the fact that Vandy has a fast track, and we could be looking at a bigtime blowout.

Runnin’ Ramblin’ Wreck 34
Gonna get wishBONED. 14

Jackets 31
Smandy 7

ACC Dorks 30
SEC Dorks 14

South Carolina at Tennessee (-5), 7:45
I see that Kiffen has been reprimanded again for being a bitch, and was basically told that if he opens up his trap and causes another stir he MAY get more than a slap on the wrist. I hear all the Vols fans talking about how they are impressed with his ability to keep UT’s name in the media and bring attention to the school, but is this really the kind of exposure you want? I remember when Zook was fighting frat boys and thriving on the reputation of being a “player’s coach” and I’m thinking that this wasn’t the kind of guy I want coaching my favorite team…just saying. The Gamecocks are having a great-ish year (relatively), and are already bowl eligible. UT is 3-4 and coming off an emotional loss to Bama (Kick Vols, Kick), so they will either be hunting for retribution or realize they are a total joke and that no one outside of KnoxVegas cares that they almost won. God I hope USC wins this game. Oh and btw, bet the UNDER, I’m looking for a low scoring game.

Cocks 13
Puke Orange 14

Cocks 10
Vols 13

Cockfighters 19
Ref Haters 17

Tulane at LSU (-35), 8
I read an article somewhere that said LSU should watch out Tulane because they might be looking ahead to Bama. That’s a pretty stupid thing to say. Even with JJeff pulling the strings at QB, there is no chance they lose to hapless Tulane.

Green Waves usually smell like shit 0
Baton Rouge smells like shit 41

Tulane 13
LSU 40

Wave of Green 5
Red Stick of Shit 31

USC at Oregon (+3), 8
This could be the biggest game in the history of Animal House U. The Ducks have recovered from their asskicking in Boise and have run roughshod over the Pac-10 ever since. However, I’m still pissed they lost to Boise because we have to listen to all this “they deserve a shot” talk for another full year. Its ridiculous and I hate it.

USC’s defense doesn’t appear to be quite as good as everyone thought they would be. Oregon State moved the ball with ease against them throughout the second half. Good thing Matt Barkley has matured quickly in order to put up the points necessary for victory. Well, I think the party is going to end for young Matt in the horrors of Autzen stadium. The Ducks are playing good defense these days and I expect the rookie mistakes to come out. Prepare for some BCS controversy! What’s that like?

Trojans 17
Quackers 21

Carroll’s homies 32
Home of Charlie’s Parents 27

Men of Troy 16
Ducks of Quack 20

Alabama – OFF
It seems like I always get the goddamn bye week. Bama has a week off before their final big test before Atlanta. Fat Boy Cody came clutch with a big block of Kiffy McSissypants game winning attempt. I hear the notoriety has earned him a cover on this week’s front page of BBW Magazine.

No comments: