Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Week VII - Weekend Edition

Cuzzin Bailey
Well I’m glad I was right to talk about the Gator defense in last week’s edition, but I’m sorry to say that the score I picked was atrocious. I had a great feeling that we would cover and I knew we had it in us to virtually shut down the Tiger offense, but I can’t tell you how impressed I was in our effort. In other news, the former guest Bourbon Boy, The Dinnercruise Gambler, struck again in N’awlins and to salute the weekend, I decided to include a (heavily) edited recap of the trip. Anyways, Gators got homecoming this weekend against an (albeit) unranked, but quite interesting Arkansas squad, I would say its time for the Gators to “open-up” the offense a bit. P.S. don’t you feel like you need a poncho just LISTENING to Lou Holth on TV?

Malt Licker
If any of you are wondering why we did not have all the games posted before the illustrious USF Cincinnati matchup, point the finger at me. I figured you would rather admire Jim Leavitt’s lovely blonde locks, than have to try to decipher Cuzzin’ Bailey’s “writing.” He’s such a wordsmith you may need a thesaurus, and I figured our readers would be more inclined to have one at work. Anyway, the Gators conservatized their way to a 15th consecutive victory and are in firm control of the SEC. If the Gators offense tried to buy an NFL team, there is no doubt that sports “journalists” would run completely fabricated quotes to scuttle their bid.

El Gran Mono
Last week in the SEC, the four major games resulted in three blowouts and one defensive barn burner. Two of the blowouts were authored by previously winless-in-the-SEC teams Arkansas and Tennessee. The Tennessee blowout was surprising not only in the final score but also in the methodology, namely Jonathan Crapton throwing for over three hundred yards. LSU-UF ended up almost exactly as Vegas expected minus the addition of a few extra scores. LSU clearly can’t play much offense and both teams proved they could play defense. The main story of this week is whether team like Arkansas can continue their good play against the top of the conference not just the a “resurgent” team. Enjoy the three “Games of the Week” outside of the SEC.

October 17, 2009

Oklahoma v. Texas (-3), 12
EGM
This was the game on the cover of all the magazines in the preseason: McCoy v. Bradford, THE BIG 12 SHOOTOUT!!, Queers v. Steers. Wait a second, isn’t Big 12 shootout a mildly redundant phrase?

The two losses from Jokelahom definitely downgrades the caliber of this game but after watching Tejas play a few times I’m not so sure they are that great either. I think if they would have played the Mormons and the Thugs from Miami they would have at least one loss. Their offense is almost entirely one dimensional (i.e. Colt McCoy) and their defense is meh. Sure they lead the country in rush defense but look at who they have played (the same can be said for the Gators as well). I really like Oklahoma’s chances in this game. In fact, I fully expect some Sam Bradford revenge. Colt McCoy apparently “deserves” the Heisman after his season last year but Bradford is clearly the better player (better arm, better pocket awareness, better accuracy). McCoy doesn’t suck but he won’t be good enough to beat Bradford for a second year. Memo to Bob Stoops, don’t run any fake punts or fake field goals.

Boomer Sooner 34
Tejas 30

CB
Oklahomo 34
Tejas 45

ML
Boomer 13
Bevo 31

Georgia at Vanderbilt (+7.5), 12:21
CB
Well, a week ago, I would have been marginally interested in this match up because it would give us a look into how UGA can perform against a struggling but (maybe) hungry weaker SEC program. That was before both teams lost to shitbox ones this past weekend. The Dawgs went up the Knoxvegas and laid a total egg, and Schmandie went to visit Army and lost in OT. Just embarrassing. Actually I don’t know which was worse? I mean I knew that Georgia wasn’t good, but that game last weekend was humiliating. They didn’t score an offensive touchdown and didn’t get past the UT 30 (something). God I can’t wait for the Cocktail Party.

Juhjah 33
Nerd Alert 21

ML
Lost to Crapton 24
Lost to Army 10

EGM
Dawgs 27
Dores 10

Mississippi State at Middle Tennessee State (+4), 12:30
ML
I was waiting all year for this one! The pride of Murfreesboro! MTSU’s Blue Raiders, host the Bulldogs at Johnny “Red” Floyd Stadium. Dan Mullen’s Dogs let the SEC, and EGM, down last week with a loss at home to Houston. This should be another tight contest and they need to win, because they face a complete dismantling next week. All I know about the Raiders is they had a pretty good band in 1999, and like to throw the ball a lot in 2009.

Road Dogs 34
Red’s Raiders 24

CB
Road Dogs 35
MTSU 17

EGM
SEC 31
Sun Belt 21

Arkansas at Florida -24 CB, 3:30
CB
LSU BLEAUXS! Man I can’t tell you how happy it makes me to say that without sounding like a sore loser. Not that I even imagined what it was going to be like if we had lost to those terrible Tigers (Terrible as in bad, not frightening). Anyways, I’m sure you’re sick of hearing how great the Gators are and how much I love them, so I think its time to talk about this game. The Razorbax aren’t God awful this year. They actually have a pretty decent quick strike offense. If the Gators overlook this team, I will be greatly disappointed. Sure they got completely shut down by Bama, but last weekend they totally throttled the second best team in AL. Hopefully we can take a page out of the non-scumbag team from the “Heart of Dixie.” I think the Backs are gonna try their stock “throw, throw, then maybe run” game (Mallet is averaging 32 pass attempts/game), which should play right into the Gators hands. I predict 3 picks by the UF secondary, at least 40 passes by Arkansas, oh and a huge win for Florida.

Not-Kansas 13
GO GATORS 50

ML
Arky 10
Gators 40

EGM
Hawgs 17
Gators 42

USC at Notre Dame (+12), 3:30
ML
Is this a must win for fat Chuck Weis? It sure is, since this is the best chance ND has to beat SC since Bob Davie was head coach. For the first time since that date, the Irish look to have more talent on offense, especially at QB, where Jimmy Clowson likes comebacks. It is strength against strength as fatass Charlie’s offense takes on that dashing cavalier Pete Carroll, and his talented defense. ND’s defense has managed to make everyone look good this year, and the absence of Michael Floyd makes their offense much easier to contain. It will come down to coaching, Carroll’s scheme will create some turnovers and Matt Barkley & Co. should put up enough points to cover this spread.

Trojans 28
Irish 14

CB
West Coast Cheatin’ 36
The Licker’s 1st Team 25

EGM
So Cal 31
No. Indiana 21


UAB at Ole Miss (-22), 7:00
EGM
Ole Miss is sort the Oklahoma of the SEC with one huge exception. They have Jevan Snead instead of Sam Bradford. I’m surprised that Nutt hasn’t gone back to the Wildcat much like his Arkansas days when Mitch “Best Recruit Ever” Mustain and Casey Dick were at the helm. Is Snead better than those two? I don’t think we can answer that question yet. After all, that Arkansas team went to the SEC Championship and was winning that game into the fourth quarter. Ole Miss beat a gimmicky Tejas Tech team in the Cotton Bowl. That’s an accomplishment worth of a free Grand Slam at Denny’s. Perhaps that can eat that Grand Slam after they celebrate an average win over an average UAB team. All of those things just seem to fit together.

Blazers 13
Rebs 30

CB
This 5 Points is Lame 14
Rebels Revenge 45

ML
Blaze it 6
Rebz 41

Kentucky at Auburn (-12.5), 7:30
ML
Both these teams had tough losses last week. The hapless Kats lost their pathetic quarterback last week and now have to play some clown he beat out for the starting role. Predictably, the Tigers paws were caught in a trap in Fayetteville after receiving some accolades. Obviously it wasn’t that predictable, as this moron picked them to cover. I see them bouncing back to redeem themselves and yours truly against the wounded Wildcats.

KY 13
AU 34

CB
Blue Grass Smokin’ 9
The Dream is Over 25

EGM
Cats Rebuilding again? 17
Plainsmen 31

South Carolina at Alabama (-17), 7:45
CB
A short trip back to Tuscaloosa from Oxford and the Tide are gearing up for what COULD be a great game. Spurrier has all but called this the Gamecocks marquee game of the year, so it appears that they are aiming at spoiling homecoming for Saban and crew. How did that sound? Did I get you believing that this game was gonna be close, or even a road win for the Ol’ Ball Coach? HAHA! Sure Bama’s gonna start off slow maybe punt a few times early, but seriously, unless they are completely unprepared for this game, the Tide aren’t going to struggle for long. There’s a script for their games. Run, run, incomplete, punt. Do that for the first quarter, then BOOM, 56 yard run by Ingram. Interception returned for a touchdown, McElroy to Jones for a 40 yard bomb, and the rout is on. Sorry Stevie, you’re team may keep your visor on your head for a bit, but after a few rounds with the Crimson, the Cocks won’t be able to keep up…

Cawks 22
Tiiiiiiiiide 44

ML
Cocky 14
Pachy 24

EGM
Cocks 13
Bamer 17

Tennessee - OFF
ML
First SEC win for Kiffin last week….I hope he celebrates by watching me bang his wife.

LSU - OFF
The Dinnercruise Gambler Strikes
First, the all good news from the Casino. The Harrah’s New Orleans Casino is very good to me. It has been the site of several fun and profitable nights, including the blackout incident of 2001 where I came out $1,400 ahead. On this trip, it was mostly craps. (Name redacted) went on a 25-minute heater.
At one point this LSU coon-ass and his peanut gallery get up to shoot. No lie, he shot for 42 minutes, made 8 points, and everyone a ton of money. He and I shed all LSU-UF hatred during these rolls. Overall, my best guess is that I won about $350 on the trip.

Scorched Earth
As soon as we arrived, it was clear that the tailgating situation was going to limited and crazy. There had been an inch of rain the day before, and the entire campus had a half inch of muck on it. Many LSU girls and guys were wearing galoshes or duck hunting boots. We had to relocate everything from our parking spot to a ridge near a sidewalk. Some solid pre-drinking took place. LSU fans were bad, as usual. General Order #1853 “Scorched Earth Tailgating” was enforced with extreme abandon. My favorite move was to just drop whatever I was holding when I was done.

The He-coon Talks Trash
Plenty of jawing off. Some interesting things happened with that:
• Two LSU tailgates broke out in a giant fight with each other. They were set up in a real muddy area. Some of the girls were fighting each other in the mud, so we got free show. Later we found out that a lesbian girl had been making out with her girlfriend’s brother. This sparked a fight between the two HIGH SCHOOLS that were out tailgating the game.
• I was getting some trash talk from a real bumpkin who was wearing rubber boots. After he said his bit, I threw two quarters at the ground in front of him and said “Here’s 50 cents, go buy yourself some proper shoes, on me.” He got pissed at this, but his friends were laughing at the joke so he had no backup. He said something about my momma, to which I replied: “your broke ass should pick up my charity quarters.” And here is the best part- he picked them up. This was the closest to fighting I came that day.
• “Go home Gators!” reply: “I can’t wait”
• “This is our house!” reply: “Your house is a giant shithole.

When we returned to NO, the van was completely trashed, tire slashed, wheel underinflated, seats broken, cigar smoke. We might be on the hook for some extra cleanup fees.