El Gran Mono
I feel like its 1992 again or perhaps 1994. Let’s go with 1994, because that’s the year the Gators took down the undefeated Crimson Tide rather than getting juked by some drug smuggling cornerback in the final minutes. I’m sure the SEC offices (packed full of the Tide faithful) are loving the “traditional” modern era matchup. Hopefully, they didn’t plant a bunch of deutchbag refs in the game. Who knows? Sometimes with the terrible officiating in the SEC, its hard to tell if they are plants or just Gamma factory workers.
Cuz Bailey has officially wrapped up the picks. Too bad he didn’t actually bet his picks. Unfortunately, that would have resulted in much second guessing and queries to hacks, like yours truly, that would have decimated the beauty of his near 60% studliness. If you do see CB around town, wait a couple more weeks to buy him a brew. He’s stressing about exams en route to becoming the final piece in Bourbon Boys Attack Dog Attorneys LLC. On to the final game, although some bowl picks might make their way to the website this holiday season, so keep your eye on the website for sage picks, SON!
Cuzzin Bailey
What a horrible dilemma I am faced with: This week starts the awfulness of law school finals, and yet, it should be a week of celebration and reflection of another outstanding Gator season and trip to the SEC Championship Game. Life is all about balance. At least that’s what I got from Karate Kid. Balancing the game, with life. When I get too stressed about school, I think of the game, and when THAT starts stressing me out, I go back to studying. If I’m not careful I’m gonna get an ulcer like the Bourbon Boys’ good buddy, the Drunk Mick in NYC. If that kid isn’t a prime candidate for ulcer’s I don’t know who is. Anyways, I hope everyone had a safe Thanksgiving, and I hope I do well on the tests…
Alabama v. Florida ( -9.5), 4
EGM
I ripped UF’s offense earlier this season but they have come around 180. They have turned into a power running team with a variety of sets. The multiple formations keep other teams guessing and often times overplaying the perimeter of the field in an attempt to keep Rainey, Demps and Harvin inside. That’s a terrible idea because all three guys are excellent vertical runners with cutback ability. Tebow has mastered the zone read and is making excellent choices on when to run himself. The passing game is also clicking on all cylinders with all the receivers getting regular catches.
Bama’s defense is very good but they are by no means excellent. They are completely reliant upon their team establishing the right pace. Two scenarios are nightmare for the Tide. Quick possessions by the offense and prolonged possessions by the opposing offense. They try to stack against the run and force you into obvious passing situations. A lack of speed in the secondary will be the final straw. The Gators are constantly in third and short but still have the ability to make third and long because of they can stretch the field and the threat of the option. Honestly, this is the best team I have ever seen don the Gator blue and orange. The offensive line has really gelled and should wear down Bama’s bulky interior.
Now, to the real key to the game. Bama’s offense. They run the ball and rely almost exclusively on play action pass. Julio Jones is a stud but he doesn’t play QB. They actually remind me of Auburn a few years ago with a shittier QB. That’s right, I think BranDONE Cox is better than JPW. If you have watched JPW play, he might as well be talking to the receivers on one of those tomato can-string telephones. He eyes his boys down like Ben Hill Bootlegger at Gandy Beach on Friday night. If you are in an obvious passing situation, and the Tide will be in many, this will not be a good thing. Bama is completely reliant on the running game to set up their offense and I anticipate they will have some success because of their excellent offensive line. However, I also anticipate UF’s depth on the defensive line and linebacker will keep them fresh enough to disrupt the power attack. This game is so much like 1994 that its crazy. By the way, who won that year? Watch out for receivers with shotguns under their pads!
Bama 17
Gators 31
ML
Oh man....I am a total pod today. It's Friday morning and I'll be on a flight to the ATL in about 8 hours...but who's counting? I have face value tickets in hand and a free place to stay, so do not hesitate to ask me for a shot of Makers. I'll be the handsome dude in gator gear. Before I analyze the game, I need to comment on Auburn's divorce from Tommy T. I know they say he "resigned," but I don't buy it. He was forced out. I'll never believe otherwise. Certain programs need to accept certain things. Auburn is one of those schools that should probably win 8 games a year, and every now and then have a really good or really bad year. They need to accept this fact. On to the game....this is the ultimate clash of styles, the Tide are no doubt ultra-motivated by the fact that they are double digit underdogs. Their strong defense will look to hit us hard. If I was Urban I'd spin the hype to motivate the Gator defense. All the talk about us has been about our offense. Our defense has been especially stout and done a good job forcing turnovers. Janoris Jenkins v. Julio Jones could be the key to the entire game. If Janoris can contain him, we should win going away. I do not like the idea of having to rely on Major Wright in coverage.
If Percy was 100% I'd have no worries. As it stands, I think we'll have to put up a C effort for Bama to win. Anything above a B+ and we win by 2 TDs. Remember Tebow will not let us lose. When it comes down to it we will have the best player on the field. That should be enough, if we get up two scores early, watch out, it could get ugly.
Bama 13
SEC Champs 30
CB
I have no idea who the home team is in regards to the rule books this year, but from what I have heard, it won’t be difficult to determine that inside the Georgia Dome. Rumors of Bama fans buying up 70% of the tickets, while ridiculous and scary to hear, doesn’t surprise me, as this was the fan base that sold out their spring game last year!!! This is said every week, but I think its safe to say that this will be the toughest defense that UF has faced all season long; but that being said, I think this will be the best offense that Bama has seen this year. Also, let us not forget the fact that both teams are led by two great leaders on the field. JP Wilson, is a senior and has the most passing yards in Alabama history, or at least should, and Tim Tebow, while he did win the Heisman last year, is more of a complete team leader/QB this year. Bama undefeated, UF with one loss, and the team that beat Florida gave the Tide fits for sure. I saw both games versus Ole Miss, and I can tell you that the Gators were one play away from winning and the Tide could have been one play away from losing. But none of that matters anymore. Its clear by a long shot that these are the two best teams in a great conference (not the best this year thanks to poor play down the stretch by a few teams, you know who you are). I wish I could be at this game, but I know I would probably need more than one blood pressure pill to keep me on an even keel. A huge question, that I seem to have every week, is whether or not our tiny little running backs (who are probably my height damnit) will be able to run against a defensive line that is ginormous to put it technically. The Gators certainly have the speed, and I am excited to see if UF can break tackles or avoid them enough to show it on the turf inside the dome. I know that Florida’s defense is very good, but once again, I’m not sure if we’ve seen a running game “like this one this year.” If I were an assistant coach or a complete loser, I could have time to look at the film on Bama’s defense and have a shot at predicting what sort of game plan we are gonna start with on Saturday, but alas, I am neither. (Plus I don’t have the video equipment to watch “film”). I know this is a popular pick for the Gator fans, and I further know that Vegas opened with this line to goad people into betting for Bama, but I like a two score spread. I know that UF will be able to score on Alabama, what I don’t know is whether or not the Tide can keep up. Anything can happen at the SEC Championship game. Fake punts, throw back passes, two of the longest passing plays in the games history (1996, I was there). Missteps on special teams (ala Arkansas 06). Game clinching interceptions and just straight up ass whoopins. My all time favorite moment was in 1996, sure the Gators, with a win and a Nebraska loss, would be playing FSU for a shot at the National Title, but it was my first road game as an adult (18) and it was the day I found out I got into UF for undergrad. That was a great day, and I remember it like it was yesterday (we weren’t allowed to drink on the trip). I hope this year is just as special. I never thought I’d say this, but I REALLY want to go to MEE-AMI!!
Yellow Hammer 17
Florida Gator 30
Friday, December 05, 2008
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Week IV
Cuzzin Bailey
This is a great week for College Football. Our selections involve 3 of the plethora of National Championship scenarios that exist as of last weekend. If Bama loses, that could also spell trouble for UF no matter what happens this weekend or in the SECCG. If UF loses to the Noles this weekend, then Bama’s possibilities remain unchanged, but UF has no shot at the NC game. Oklahoma is looking to win, force a three way tie, and leave their fate in the hands of the voters. Texas may get bypassed even with the win over OU in the Red River Rivalry a few weeks ago. Sucks if that happens. You know what else sucks? An all Big 12 national championship game…it could happen sports fans. But now that let’s go to the Home Depot UF/FSU quick points…UF is flying high, and FSU is coming off a huge win. Since when did beating Maryland constitute a “huge win”? Well, ever since the Noles have become marginalized. If FSU plays the best they’ve played all year, and we play half as good as we can, this will just be a 2 score game in favor of the Good Guys…
El Gran Mono
Rivalry Week, doesn’t get any better than that. The week itself says one thing to me: UF-FSU. I’ve been to a bunch of these games but I have never been to a Gator W at Joke Shamble. I guess that’s a good that I’m not going because people have accused me of fucking things up on that note. Perhaps the scene of friends and family at Tommy M’s is the way to go. I imagine that’s always the way to go. Let’s do it…
Malt Licker
Gobble Gobble!!! It looks like it is a fight for second place between me and the Monkey. Cuz’ has run away with the title. I can’t believe another regular season is almost in the books. Football season flies by. We actually have some decent games after last week’s snooze-fest. The Gators travel up to and west on I10 to Tallacrappy to take on the hated Noles. There are rumors that Bubby will announce that this is his last game at Ron Zook Field. Normally this would make me worried, but after witnessing his latest oral presentation skills (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JIn17ufE7ZM), not so much!!!!
Mississippi State at Ole Miss (-13.5) 12:30
ML
The Battle of the GOLDEN EGG!!! This may be my favorite of all “rivalry games.” Could there be a bigger contrast between the two fan bases? Ole Miss fans are prim and proper, fancy themselves as the Hah-vud of the South. Whereas MSU fans are unapologetic rednecks. In 1926 the former MSU (Mississippi A&M) had been dominating the series, but a 7-6 Ole Miss victory led to some of their fans rushing the field and trying to tear down the goal posts. A&M fans “didn’t take too kindly” and a fight broke out. Some A&M fans defended the goal posts with wooden chairs, and several injuries were reported. The students, in genteel fashion, vowed that this would never happen again, and thus was born the “Golden Egg.” It was designed to cool the heat of battle and replace goalposts as the winners’ reward. It took the shape of the older form of the football, which closely resembles today’s rugby ball, or an egg. I predict that most readers will find the story of the birth of the Golden Egg much more interesting than this game, I know I will
A&M 10
Goalpost Vandals 27
CB
Miss State 13
Ole Miss 34
LSU at Arkansas (+5), 3:30 –
CB
WOOOHOOO! Big game folks, the real question that’s on everybody’s mind this week is, how many pick 6s will Jarrett Lee throw this weekend?? On second thought, a better question is, will he even start? I wish this were more like the NFL in that we would totally know who is starting this weekend. LSU’s back up back up started out strong last weekend against Ole Miss but quickly showed his stripes (get it, he’s a “tiger”)…ugh God that was terrible. Anyways, Arkansas lost to Miss State last weekend, they clearly blow…the question will be who will play worse and let the other team hang around…
LSoosers 30
Ahkansah 20
EGM
Cajuns 24
Backs 20
ML
Kitties 27
Piggies 21
Georgia Tech at Georgia (-8), 12
EGM
Good Ol Fashioned Hate. Does anyone that likes Georgia actually read this blog? Lot of hate, lot of shit talk. And from the there it only gets worse. Shane Shitty Hair is going pro. Knowhson going pro. Bad news dog fans. Can you even name the backup QB? Earlier this year I was rightfully criticized for hammering Ga Tech’s wing T. Johnson is a stud coach and he’ll stick to his guns in this game. Unfortunately, Tech’s D is gonna have a tough time stopping Shane/Knowshon’s last chance. I’ll take the points though and bet on Richt spending too much time in the tanning booth this week.
Ramblin’ Wreck 21
Jawja 28
CB
Tech 23
UGA 32
ML
Engineers 23
Queers 29
South Carolina at Clemson (-1), 12
CB
Spurrier called this the most important game of the season. He has to say that cause he got drilled by UF two week ago. Plus this is the only game that the Gamecocks had to win every year to appease all the stock Carolina idiots who only care about beating their in-state rivals…kinda like FSU fans these days!
USCe 31
Clemzin 18
EGM
Cocks 21
Tiggers 14
ML
South Carolina Spurriers 23
Clemson Dabos 20
Auburn at Alabama (-14), 3:30
ML
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaarn Bowl!!!! The Plainsmen currently carry a 6 game winning streak and an awful record into this week’s Iron Bowl. The Tide roll in as the #1 ranked team in the nation for the first time in a long time. During the Bear heyday Bama managed to reel off 9 in a row, and desperately need to snap Auburn’s winning streak to stay in the hunt for a national title. On paper, this should be a mismatch. Auburn’s quarterback play has been awful all year. Who would have thought they’d be longing for Brandon Cox. As an aside and an illustration of how old I now feel. I remember being 5 or 6 years old and my uncle, a former bama football player, replaying the famous game winning field goal by Van Tiffin. Now his son is the current kicker for the Tide. They won’t need him to win whis game
Aubarn 6
Yellow Hamma 31
CB
Burn 18
Bama 30
EGM
Plains 13
Mountains 10
Florida at Florida State (+15.5), 3:30
EGM
Hate. That’s what I feel when talking about FSU. They are the at the end of the bottomless pit in which people dump endless tons of shit. In other words, fuck them.
FSU’s defense is extremely underrated and UF has the weapons to take care of that. If you watched last year’s game. Expect a lot of the same thing. Tebow going nuts. Percy blowing up. FSU sucking. How’s five in a row sound, bitch?
Studs 41
Duds 13
CB
GATORS! 42
Criminoles! 20
ML
Keep it rolling 35
Enjoy the Gator Bowl 14
Kentucky at Tennessee (-4), 6:30
CB
I was right about Phil last week. I had a feeling that no matter how awful UT was, there was NO way they were gonna lose to Vandy. And I was right. Do I feel the same this week? Are the Vols just shitty enough to lose to the other perennially shit box team after surprising two of the three bourbon boys? I say, NO. Of course it’ll be close…If I were a betting man I would stay away…
Kensucky 23
UTsucks 28
EGM
KY 14
UT 24
ML
Kats 20
Vawlz 25
Vanderbilt at Wake Forest (-4), 7
EGM
Both of these teams were absolutely terrible years ago and now they are pretty decent. They work similar systems of gimmick defenses, short passing and smart QBs. I’d love to say that the SEC is VASTLY superior in this instance but that is not the case. Wake Forest is a damn good team and well coached. I like there chances at home but not by 4.
Vandy 14
Deacs 17
CB
Schmanderbilt 21
Wake Skanks 19
ML
Commo-snores 20
Deacs 21
Oklahoma at Oklahoma State (+7.5), 8
ML
Do the Sooners “have a plan” for victory at Boone Pickens Stadium? Stoops says he is done lobbying re the BCS. The best argument is to keep destroying the opposition. It’s what the Gators are doing. The Bedlam Series is a contest across all sports between the two schools. In football OU dominates by a margin of 79-16-7. Take heart OSU fans, you dominate in wrestling, which no one cares about.
Land Stealing Cheats 38
I’m a man!!!!!!!!! 30
CB
OU 43
Okie State 29
EGM
Sooners 24
Cowboys 28
This is a great week for College Football. Our selections involve 3 of the plethora of National Championship scenarios that exist as of last weekend. If Bama loses, that could also spell trouble for UF no matter what happens this weekend or in the SECCG. If UF loses to the Noles this weekend, then Bama’s possibilities remain unchanged, but UF has no shot at the NC game. Oklahoma is looking to win, force a three way tie, and leave their fate in the hands of the voters. Texas may get bypassed even with the win over OU in the Red River Rivalry a few weeks ago. Sucks if that happens. You know what else sucks? An all Big 12 national championship game…it could happen sports fans. But now that let’s go to the Home Depot UF/FSU quick points…UF is flying high, and FSU is coming off a huge win. Since when did beating Maryland constitute a “huge win”? Well, ever since the Noles have become marginalized. If FSU plays the best they’ve played all year, and we play half as good as we can, this will just be a 2 score game in favor of the Good Guys…
El Gran Mono
Rivalry Week, doesn’t get any better than that. The week itself says one thing to me: UF-FSU. I’ve been to a bunch of these games but I have never been to a Gator W at Joke Shamble. I guess that’s a good that I’m not going because people have accused me of fucking things up on that note. Perhaps the scene of friends and family at Tommy M’s is the way to go. I imagine that’s always the way to go. Let’s do it…
Malt Licker
Gobble Gobble!!! It looks like it is a fight for second place between me and the Monkey. Cuz’ has run away with the title. I can’t believe another regular season is almost in the books. Football season flies by. We actually have some decent games after last week’s snooze-fest. The Gators travel up to and west on I10 to Tallacrappy to take on the hated Noles. There are rumors that Bubby will announce that this is his last game at Ron Zook Field. Normally this would make me worried, but after witnessing his latest oral presentation skills (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JIn17ufE7ZM), not so much!!!!
Mississippi State at Ole Miss (-13.5) 12:30
ML
The Battle of the GOLDEN EGG!!! This may be my favorite of all “rivalry games.” Could there be a bigger contrast between the two fan bases? Ole Miss fans are prim and proper, fancy themselves as the Hah-vud of the South. Whereas MSU fans are unapologetic rednecks. In 1926 the former MSU (Mississippi A&M) had been dominating the series, but a 7-6 Ole Miss victory led to some of their fans rushing the field and trying to tear down the goal posts. A&M fans “didn’t take too kindly” and a fight broke out. Some A&M fans defended the goal posts with wooden chairs, and several injuries were reported. The students, in genteel fashion, vowed that this would never happen again, and thus was born the “Golden Egg.” It was designed to cool the heat of battle and replace goalposts as the winners’ reward. It took the shape of the older form of the football, which closely resembles today’s rugby ball, or an egg. I predict that most readers will find the story of the birth of the Golden Egg much more interesting than this game, I know I will
A&M 10
Goalpost Vandals 27
CB
Miss State 13
Ole Miss 34
LSU at Arkansas (+5), 3:30 –
CB
WOOOHOOO! Big game folks, the real question that’s on everybody’s mind this week is, how many pick 6s will Jarrett Lee throw this weekend?? On second thought, a better question is, will he even start? I wish this were more like the NFL in that we would totally know who is starting this weekend. LSU’s back up back up started out strong last weekend against Ole Miss but quickly showed his stripes (get it, he’s a “tiger”)…ugh God that was terrible. Anyways, Arkansas lost to Miss State last weekend, they clearly blow…the question will be who will play worse and let the other team hang around…
LSoosers 30
Ahkansah 20
EGM
Cajuns 24
Backs 20
ML
Kitties 27
Piggies 21
Georgia Tech at Georgia (-8), 12
EGM
Good Ol Fashioned Hate. Does anyone that likes Georgia actually read this blog? Lot of hate, lot of shit talk. And from the there it only gets worse. Shane Shitty Hair is going pro. Knowhson going pro. Bad news dog fans. Can you even name the backup QB? Earlier this year I was rightfully criticized for hammering Ga Tech’s wing T. Johnson is a stud coach and he’ll stick to his guns in this game. Unfortunately, Tech’s D is gonna have a tough time stopping Shane/Knowshon’s last chance. I’ll take the points though and bet on Richt spending too much time in the tanning booth this week.
Ramblin’ Wreck 21
Jawja 28
CB
Tech 23
UGA 32
ML
Engineers 23
Queers 29
South Carolina at Clemson (-1), 12
CB
Spurrier called this the most important game of the season. He has to say that cause he got drilled by UF two week ago. Plus this is the only game that the Gamecocks had to win every year to appease all the stock Carolina idiots who only care about beating their in-state rivals…kinda like FSU fans these days!
USCe 31
Clemzin 18
EGM
Cocks 21
Tiggers 14
ML
South Carolina Spurriers 23
Clemson Dabos 20
Auburn at Alabama (-14), 3:30
ML
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaarn Bowl!!!! The Plainsmen currently carry a 6 game winning streak and an awful record into this week’s Iron Bowl. The Tide roll in as the #1 ranked team in the nation for the first time in a long time. During the Bear heyday Bama managed to reel off 9 in a row, and desperately need to snap Auburn’s winning streak to stay in the hunt for a national title. On paper, this should be a mismatch. Auburn’s quarterback play has been awful all year. Who would have thought they’d be longing for Brandon Cox. As an aside and an illustration of how old I now feel. I remember being 5 or 6 years old and my uncle, a former bama football player, replaying the famous game winning field goal by Van Tiffin. Now his son is the current kicker for the Tide. They won’t need him to win whis game
Aubarn 6
Yellow Hamma 31
CB
Burn 18
Bama 30
EGM
Plains 13
Mountains 10
Florida at Florida State (+15.5), 3:30
EGM
Hate. That’s what I feel when talking about FSU. They are the at the end of the bottomless pit in which people dump endless tons of shit. In other words, fuck them.
FSU’s defense is extremely underrated and UF has the weapons to take care of that. If you watched last year’s game. Expect a lot of the same thing. Tebow going nuts. Percy blowing up. FSU sucking. How’s five in a row sound, bitch?
Studs 41
Duds 13
CB
GATORS! 42
Criminoles! 20
ML
Keep it rolling 35
Enjoy the Gator Bowl 14
Kentucky at Tennessee (-4), 6:30
CB
I was right about Phil last week. I had a feeling that no matter how awful UT was, there was NO way they were gonna lose to Vandy. And I was right. Do I feel the same this week? Are the Vols just shitty enough to lose to the other perennially shit box team after surprising two of the three bourbon boys? I say, NO. Of course it’ll be close…If I were a betting man I would stay away…
Kensucky 23
UTsucks 28
EGM
KY 14
UT 24
ML
Kats 20
Vawlz 25
Vanderbilt at Wake Forest (-4), 7
EGM
Both of these teams were absolutely terrible years ago and now they are pretty decent. They work similar systems of gimmick defenses, short passing and smart QBs. I’d love to say that the SEC is VASTLY superior in this instance but that is not the case. Wake Forest is a damn good team and well coached. I like there chances at home but not by 4.
Vandy 14
Deacs 17
CB
Schmanderbilt 21
Wake Skanks 19
ML
Commo-snores 20
Deacs 21
Oklahoma at Oklahoma State (+7.5), 8
ML
Do the Sooners “have a plan” for victory at Boone Pickens Stadium? Stoops says he is done lobbying re the BCS. The best argument is to keep destroying the opposition. It’s what the Gators are doing. The Bedlam Series is a contest across all sports between the two schools. In football OU dominates by a margin of 79-16-7. Take heart OSU fans, you dominate in wrestling, which no one cares about.
Land Stealing Cheats 38
I’m a man!!!!!!!!! 30
CB
OU 43
Okie State 29
EGM
Sooners 24
Cowboys 28
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Week XIII
Malt Licker
Good lord, I haven’t seen cocks abused like that since I was in Lorena Bobbitt’s bedroom. Oh wait, that wasn’t me, nevermind. Our Gators are looking so good it is scary. In fact, I am hoping for a letdown this week against the mighty Citadel. Maybe we’ll only win by 50. It was great making the trek up to Gville for my last home game of the season. Time flies so fast. A lackluster slate of games this week, as half the conference is taking the week off.
El Gran Mono
Not a lot going on in college football this week outside of Tejas Tech-Oklahoma and lethargy has attacked the Bourbon Boys. Lack of “reply all” emails has caused internal strife. As usual, I am to blame but I’m sure its nothing a few hundred Coors Lights over Thanksgiving break can’t cure. Here come the myriad of off weeks and crapbag games.
Cuzzin Bailey
Last weekend seems so long ago. Its like all I hear now is how lame the Gators are for scheduling the Citadel, and how its an embarrassment and “how can they get away with that shit?” Its hilarious how quickly people forget how great UF is playing and how half of them think we are the best team. How no one remembers that we played MIAMI in the second week of the season. I hate those people. Of course personally I find it stupid that we are play the Citadel, but I can say what I want about my team cause I really care about them (the “only you can talk shit about your family” rule), professional talking heads are stupid. Oh yea, almost Thanksgiving. But then exam time…yikes.
Tennessee at Vanderbilt (-3), 12:30
CB
Vanderbilt is favored this week. Stop the fucking presses. This is the kind of scenario that would happen in Bizzaro world. Vandy is finally bowl eligible, first time since 1982, and the Vols have no shot. It would absolutely absurd of me to not pick the ‘Dores. Right? I mean its clear that Phat Phil is content on mailing it in the rest of the year, so he can live the good life of sitting around eating McRibwiches talking about how he got screwed mumbling to himself how he should have beaten Spurrier one more time HAHA. Sorry that’s actually pretty sad. Poor bastard. Anyways, as I said, its pretty certain that the Vols don’t stand a chance to Vandy…right?
UT-sucks…its official 18
Vandy no longer the “dore-mats” 20
ML
Dead pumpkin walking 13
Bowled over 30
EGM
Vols 10
Commodes 20
Citadel at Florida (NL), 1:30
CB
How DARE we schedule a team like the Citadel? You know what? Who the hell cares? If the Gators win our next three games then no one’s gonna remember who we played the week before we trounced FSU and then showed Bama something have yet to see so far this year. Of course they probably have a better defense than we’ve seen…you know what? I’m doing it, I’m looking ahead, against Coach’s orders…I think that’s a pretty safe move this week. I’m just glad there isn’t a line so I don’t have to determine how much we are going to destroy them by…I’m sure the Bulldogs are just going to be anxious to get their half a mill, and bounce out of Gainesville.
Check Please 7
Here’s Your Check, and your ass beating 60
ML
Military College of South Carolina 0
Pillagers of Gainesville Florida 55
EGM
Bulldogs 0
Gators 63
Ole Miss at LSU (-3.5), 3:30
EGM
LSU almost lost to Troy. Their QB has thrown 7 pick sixes and has hair like your typical Ole Miss Epsilon semi-moron. Their defense can’t stop the pass. But they do know how to get hammered before a game. So they got that going for them. The Rebs have a pretty decent passing attack but like most of the season, they will lose in another heartbreaker. Does a person get any comfort after leaving Louisiana and heading into Mississippi? Or is that the moment when you finally decide to kill yourself?
Rebs 20
Cajuns 21
CB
Eauxle Miss 20
LSU 22
ML
Rebz 13
INT for TD U 23
Arkansas at Mississippi State (+1.5), 2:30
ML
Jeez, you’d think if you had to live in Fayetteville, you’d be excited about getting out of town for a road trip; until you find out that trip will take you to Starkvegas, the bar-less land of hell. Is Arkansas worthy of being a road favorite? I highly doubt it. I don’t care enough about this game to look into it further, take the points
Pork 20
Cowbell 23
CB
Not as good as Kansas 23
Crap of the West 22
EGM
Hogs 21
Dawgs 17
South Carolina - OFF
CB
Spur-dawg suffered his worst lost ever last weekend. The opponent was the team that he made relevant and a household name. Tastes sweet doesn’t it? I love SOS for making UF what it is today, but while he’s coaching a rival I the SEC East, it makes me angry and confused. Why did he come back to the SEC? I still haven’t figured that out yet. FOUR YEARS LATER! Why not the ACC? Hey even the people we love make d-bag moves…
Auburn – OFF
EGM
Very little drinking.
Georgia – OFF
EGM
14 days of the tanning booth for Mark Richt with no game interruptions.
Alabama – OFF
ML
Enjoy your 2nd to last weekend as #1 Tide, it will all come crashing down in Atlanta. If any of our readers happen to be planning to go to Atlanta, look for me at Gibney’s Pub, if you mention the Bourbon Boys I’ll buy you a shot.
Kentucky – OFF
ML
Billie Gillispie might need some Ky if he keeps losing to Buttfuck U
Tejas Tech at Oklahoma (-7), 8
ML
This is going to be quite a show. Can Stoop and the Sooners stifle the West Texas Pirates? Michael Crabtree is a sick specimen and a lock to grab 3 TDs this week. Sam Bradford looks like….a troll? Or is it an Elf? I’m not sure, but I think his ilk are covered in detail by J.R.R. Tolkien. I honestly think one of 3 things can happen. OU blows out Tech, Tech edges out OU, or OU edges out Tech. Take the points…
Rojo Raiders 37
Boomer Sooner 41
CB
Tex Tech 32
Okie 40
EGM
Red Raidaz 31
Sooners 28
Good lord, I haven’t seen cocks abused like that since I was in Lorena Bobbitt’s bedroom. Oh wait, that wasn’t me, nevermind. Our Gators are looking so good it is scary. In fact, I am hoping for a letdown this week against the mighty Citadel. Maybe we’ll only win by 50. It was great making the trek up to Gville for my last home game of the season. Time flies so fast. A lackluster slate of games this week, as half the conference is taking the week off.
El Gran Mono
Not a lot going on in college football this week outside of Tejas Tech-Oklahoma and lethargy has attacked the Bourbon Boys. Lack of “reply all” emails has caused internal strife. As usual, I am to blame but I’m sure its nothing a few hundred Coors Lights over Thanksgiving break can’t cure. Here come the myriad of off weeks and crapbag games.
Cuzzin Bailey
Last weekend seems so long ago. Its like all I hear now is how lame the Gators are for scheduling the Citadel, and how its an embarrassment and “how can they get away with that shit?” Its hilarious how quickly people forget how great UF is playing and how half of them think we are the best team. How no one remembers that we played MIAMI in the second week of the season. I hate those people. Of course personally I find it stupid that we are play the Citadel, but I can say what I want about my team cause I really care about them (the “only you can talk shit about your family” rule), professional talking heads are stupid. Oh yea, almost Thanksgiving. But then exam time…yikes.
Tennessee at Vanderbilt (-3), 12:30
CB
Vanderbilt is favored this week. Stop the fucking presses. This is the kind of scenario that would happen in Bizzaro world. Vandy is finally bowl eligible, first time since 1982, and the Vols have no shot. It would absolutely absurd of me to not pick the ‘Dores. Right? I mean its clear that Phat Phil is content on mailing it in the rest of the year, so he can live the good life of sitting around eating McRibwiches talking about how he got screwed mumbling to himself how he should have beaten Spurrier one more time HAHA. Sorry that’s actually pretty sad. Poor bastard. Anyways, as I said, its pretty certain that the Vols don’t stand a chance to Vandy…right?
UT-sucks…its official 18
Vandy no longer the “dore-mats” 20
ML
Dead pumpkin walking 13
Bowled over 30
EGM
Vols 10
Commodes 20
Citadel at Florida (NL), 1:30
CB
How DARE we schedule a team like the Citadel? You know what? Who the hell cares? If the Gators win our next three games then no one’s gonna remember who we played the week before we trounced FSU and then showed Bama something have yet to see so far this year. Of course they probably have a better defense than we’ve seen…you know what? I’m doing it, I’m looking ahead, against Coach’s orders…I think that’s a pretty safe move this week. I’m just glad there isn’t a line so I don’t have to determine how much we are going to destroy them by…I’m sure the Bulldogs are just going to be anxious to get their half a mill, and bounce out of Gainesville.
Check Please 7
Here’s Your Check, and your ass beating 60
ML
Military College of South Carolina 0
Pillagers of Gainesville Florida 55
EGM
Bulldogs 0
Gators 63
Ole Miss at LSU (-3.5), 3:30
EGM
LSU almost lost to Troy. Their QB has thrown 7 pick sixes and has hair like your typical Ole Miss Epsilon semi-moron. Their defense can’t stop the pass. But they do know how to get hammered before a game. So they got that going for them. The Rebs have a pretty decent passing attack but like most of the season, they will lose in another heartbreaker. Does a person get any comfort after leaving Louisiana and heading into Mississippi? Or is that the moment when you finally decide to kill yourself?
Rebs 20
Cajuns 21
CB
Eauxle Miss 20
LSU 22
ML
Rebz 13
INT for TD U 23
Arkansas at Mississippi State (+1.5), 2:30
ML
Jeez, you’d think if you had to live in Fayetteville, you’d be excited about getting out of town for a road trip; until you find out that trip will take you to Starkvegas, the bar-less land of hell. Is Arkansas worthy of being a road favorite? I highly doubt it. I don’t care enough about this game to look into it further, take the points
Pork 20
Cowbell 23
CB
Not as good as Kansas 23
Crap of the West 22
EGM
Hogs 21
Dawgs 17
South Carolina - OFF
CB
Spur-dawg suffered his worst lost ever last weekend. The opponent was the team that he made relevant and a household name. Tastes sweet doesn’t it? I love SOS for making UF what it is today, but while he’s coaching a rival I the SEC East, it makes me angry and confused. Why did he come back to the SEC? I still haven’t figured that out yet. FOUR YEARS LATER! Why not the ACC? Hey even the people we love make d-bag moves…
Auburn – OFF
EGM
Very little drinking.
Georgia – OFF
EGM
14 days of the tanning booth for Mark Richt with no game interruptions.
Alabama – OFF
ML
Enjoy your 2nd to last weekend as #1 Tide, it will all come crashing down in Atlanta. If any of our readers happen to be planning to go to Atlanta, look for me at Gibney’s Pub, if you mention the Bourbon Boys I’ll buy you a shot.
Kentucky – OFF
ML
Billie Gillispie might need some Ky if he keeps losing to Buttfuck U
Tejas Tech at Oklahoma (-7), 8
ML
This is going to be quite a show. Can Stoop and the Sooners stifle the West Texas Pirates? Michael Crabtree is a sick specimen and a lock to grab 3 TDs this week. Sam Bradford looks like….a troll? Or is it an Elf? I’m not sure, but I think his ilk are covered in detail by J.R.R. Tolkien. I honestly think one of 3 things can happen. OU blows out Tech, Tech edges out OU, or OU edges out Tech. Take the points…
Rojo Raiders 37
Boomer Sooner 41
CB
Tex Tech 32
Okie 40
EGM
Red Raidaz 31
Sooners 28
Friday, November 14, 2008
Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Week XII
Cuzzin Bailey
The Gators have clinched the East and there is still so much to do. They can’t look past the Gamecocks this weekend, they can look past Citadel, and then they have to concentrate on Free Shoes University. THEN they play Bama in Hot-lanta, THEN play for the National Championship! Oh wait, I just got a memo from Urban, “no more talk about the future, just focus on the next week’s opponent.” Riiiiiight. That’s fine and good for the players, but the absurdly aware fan is always looking at the big picture. Gators giving 21 points this weekend, speaking of absurd. Hold on…I just had another vision. Another big win? Wait for it, damn that was the TV, the CMAs, ah Carrie Underwood. Anyways, the BCS has a big opportunity to get bailed out again this year damnit. Oh well, if UF makes it to the championship game, it’ll be hard to complain.
Malt Licker
Pretty bluke-ish (bogus and fluke) slate of games this week. Auburn/UGA can’t even garner the ESPN night game. When was the last time the 3 Dave’s did that game? This week is so…weak…that ESPN Gameday is covering the Hampton FAMU game. Will Barack be there?
El Gran Mono
Suddenly, all is right in college football. It stands to be the Big 12 winner versus the SEC winner in the only meaningful bowl game. Nothing could screw that up, except for actually playing the remainder of the schedule. I really hate the BCS, so I’m hoping only the winner of the SEC makes it and there is a huge controversy.
Georgia at Auburn (+8.5), 12:30
CB
The oldest rivalry in the South! Well that’s it here’s my pick. Just kidding of course. Aubs has 5 losses, and played Tennessee-Martin close last weekend. Hell even if it was regular Tennessee that score would be inexcusable this year. Tuberville is probably on the pseudo hot seat, with Bobby Lowder looking for a light. They say that Auburn just doesn’t have the “talent” this year; that would make for at least 3 decent (2 good) teams in the SEC that don’t have it this year personnel-wise, and that is ridiculous. I mean don’t get me wrong, I’m glad when these shitty Tigers are playing like shit, but they are representing the SEC so sometimes its embarrassing. You know like that drunk of a cousin you have…sure he’s a dick and you hate him, but he’s still family. Huh? So UGA just snuck out of Lexington with a W last Saturday. Embarrassing. Of course the Dawgs will win this week, but with everyone else knowing their season is over, if they do, this could be closer than it should be.
UGAly 34
Aubie Sucks 23
ML
Outback bound 20
At least you get a head start recruiting! 13
EGM
Dawgs 24
Plainsmen 17
Louisiana-Monroe at Ole Miss (-20.5), 2
EGM
Will Ole Miss become bowl eligible? Will Houston Nutt get some respect? What is the percentage of "southern hair" in the 18-55 bracket in the greater Oxford area? What's wrong with folding your cash? These are the questions that haunt me.
LaMo 10
Rebs 41
CB
MON-roe 10
Ole Miss 39
ML
Warhawk SEC tour stop #3 13
Rebs 30
South Carolina at Florida (-21), 3:30
ML
I just watched it again, the clip of clips…Jarvis Moss’ right paw that saved a season. It’s that time of year again, and SpurDog says he has his best team thus far in Columbia. To say I was anything other than terrified would be an understatement. However, the Gators can accomplish all things through Tebow, who strengthens them. (Lick. 4:16) I know I am probably going to hell for that, but it is the truth. With that said, 3 TD’s is way too much to lay to the Cocks.
Captain Munnerlyn’s 14 (inches)
The March Continues 33
CB
Cocks 16
GATORS! 38
EGM
Cocks 10
Gators 38
Mississippi State at Alabama (-20.5), 7:45
EGM
Croom is going for three in a row versus his alma mater. Nick Saban cannot allow that to happen. A perfect start to the season has brought back "Bama guy". You know that guy, the one who loved Mike DuBose before hating him. The guy who wears the Johnny Musso shirt to the game. The guy with, ugh, the houndstooth polo shirt. Well, I'm sure that guy will be pissed when the Tide don't cover per usual.
Croom 7
Bamer 17
CB
Dirty 13
Bammer 35
ML
Croom 6
Croom’s alma mater 24
Vanderbilt at Kentucky (-4), 8
EGM
KY is bowl eligible and Vandy is not. Maybe the Cats will just be nice and let the Dores get the final win. However, I doubt that will happen. I also doubt Chris Nickson will start because Mac Adams is so good. I predict Vandy will lose every game that Adams starts, including this one.
Dores 10
KY 17
CB
Vandie 21
Kensucky 23
ML
Losing Streak of…. 5
Kitties 24
Troy at LSU (-18), 8
CB
Let me tell you about a statistic that, if you haven’t heard it yet, will make the hair on the back of your neck stand up. The LSU QB has thrown 6 interceptions that were returned FOR TDs THIS YEAR!!! I just read an article about this other day where he was referred to as the “Benedict Arnold, or the Hanoi Jane” of the team. I love that analogy. He is the guy that is ratting out his players to the NVA. They trust him with secret notes to bring back to the US (the Ball) and he hands it over the Vietcong (the opposing team)…wait a second, one of those was for the Gators, this similarity has gone awry. HAHA, Jarrett Lee, a traitor. That’s funny. This game is freaking ridiculous, about as shitty as playing the Citadel next we….you know what? I praise LSU for having the guts to schedule a team of this caliber this late in the season. It takes balls. Yea AMERICA!
Treaux-jans 17
Tigres 33
ML
Treauxjans 13
Coonasses 34
EGM
Trojans 10
Cajuns 35
Tennessee – OFF
CB
Fulmer has embarrassed us all. Losing to Wyoming??? That sort of behavior is unacceptable in Knoxville. That is not the way that Volunteer football should be played. And I’m a GATOR FAN. I don’t even care if UT ever gets back on their feet, but now I know what the AD up there must have felt. If I’m even getting worked about this, then I can’t imagine how someone who actually WANTS them to succeed must feel. I guess now Phil can eat as many McRibwiches he wants! Ah retirement.
Arkansas – OFF
ML
I cannot think of anything to say about the Razorbacks. I like John Pelphrey and think he will be tough for teams in the West to deal with in hoops.
BC at FSU (-7), 8
ML
“Well, that’s America for you, isn’t it.” Was the quote from St. Bobby upon hearing about a massive brawl in the “student” union between his players and some douches from an F$U frat. You gotta love it. He gets such a pass from the media you’d think his middle name was Hussein. I wonder if he remembers his heartbreaking loss to the rambling wreck last week. Meanwhile, BC completely shut down Notre Dame last week, which means nothing. FSU will have some distractions, so they will not cover.
Flutie U 10
Con U 16
CB
BC 19
FSUcks 24
EGM
BC 14
FSU 28
The Gators have clinched the East and there is still so much to do. They can’t look past the Gamecocks this weekend, they can look past Citadel, and then they have to concentrate on Free Shoes University. THEN they play Bama in Hot-lanta, THEN play for the National Championship! Oh wait, I just got a memo from Urban, “no more talk about the future, just focus on the next week’s opponent.” Riiiiiight. That’s fine and good for the players, but the absurdly aware fan is always looking at the big picture. Gators giving 21 points this weekend, speaking of absurd. Hold on…I just had another vision. Another big win? Wait for it, damn that was the TV, the CMAs, ah Carrie Underwood. Anyways, the BCS has a big opportunity to get bailed out again this year damnit. Oh well, if UF makes it to the championship game, it’ll be hard to complain.
Malt Licker
Pretty bluke-ish (bogus and fluke) slate of games this week. Auburn/UGA can’t even garner the ESPN night game. When was the last time the 3 Dave’s did that game? This week is so…weak…that ESPN Gameday is covering the Hampton FAMU game. Will Barack be there?
El Gran Mono
Suddenly, all is right in college football. It stands to be the Big 12 winner versus the SEC winner in the only meaningful bowl game. Nothing could screw that up, except for actually playing the remainder of the schedule. I really hate the BCS, so I’m hoping only the winner of the SEC makes it and there is a huge controversy.
Georgia at Auburn (+8.5), 12:30
CB
The oldest rivalry in the South! Well that’s it here’s my pick. Just kidding of course. Aubs has 5 losses, and played Tennessee-Martin close last weekend. Hell even if it was regular Tennessee that score would be inexcusable this year. Tuberville is probably on the pseudo hot seat, with Bobby Lowder looking for a light. They say that Auburn just doesn’t have the “talent” this year; that would make for at least 3 decent (2 good) teams in the SEC that don’t have it this year personnel-wise, and that is ridiculous. I mean don’t get me wrong, I’m glad when these shitty Tigers are playing like shit, but they are representing the SEC so sometimes its embarrassing. You know like that drunk of a cousin you have…sure he’s a dick and you hate him, but he’s still family. Huh? So UGA just snuck out of Lexington with a W last Saturday. Embarrassing. Of course the Dawgs will win this week, but with everyone else knowing their season is over, if they do, this could be closer than it should be.
UGAly 34
Aubie Sucks 23
ML
Outback bound 20
At least you get a head start recruiting! 13
EGM
Dawgs 24
Plainsmen 17
Louisiana-Monroe at Ole Miss (-20.5), 2
EGM
Will Ole Miss become bowl eligible? Will Houston Nutt get some respect? What is the percentage of "southern hair" in the 18-55 bracket in the greater Oxford area? What's wrong with folding your cash? These are the questions that haunt me.
LaMo 10
Rebs 41
CB
MON-roe 10
Ole Miss 39
ML
Warhawk SEC tour stop #3 13
Rebs 30
South Carolina at Florida (-21), 3:30
ML
I just watched it again, the clip of clips…Jarvis Moss’ right paw that saved a season. It’s that time of year again, and SpurDog says he has his best team thus far in Columbia. To say I was anything other than terrified would be an understatement. However, the Gators can accomplish all things through Tebow, who strengthens them. (Lick. 4:16) I know I am probably going to hell for that, but it is the truth. With that said, 3 TD’s is way too much to lay to the Cocks.
Captain Munnerlyn’s 14 (inches)
The March Continues 33
CB
Cocks 16
GATORS! 38
EGM
Cocks 10
Gators 38
Mississippi State at Alabama (-20.5), 7:45
EGM
Croom is going for three in a row versus his alma mater. Nick Saban cannot allow that to happen. A perfect start to the season has brought back "Bama guy". You know that guy, the one who loved Mike DuBose before hating him. The guy who wears the Johnny Musso shirt to the game. The guy with, ugh, the houndstooth polo shirt. Well, I'm sure that guy will be pissed when the Tide don't cover per usual.
Croom 7
Bamer 17
CB
Dirty 13
Bammer 35
ML
Croom 6
Croom’s alma mater 24
Vanderbilt at Kentucky (-4), 8
EGM
KY is bowl eligible and Vandy is not. Maybe the Cats will just be nice and let the Dores get the final win. However, I doubt that will happen. I also doubt Chris Nickson will start because Mac Adams is so good. I predict Vandy will lose every game that Adams starts, including this one.
Dores 10
KY 17
CB
Vandie 21
Kensucky 23
ML
Losing Streak of…. 5
Kitties 24
Troy at LSU (-18), 8
CB
Let me tell you about a statistic that, if you haven’t heard it yet, will make the hair on the back of your neck stand up. The LSU QB has thrown 6 interceptions that were returned FOR TDs THIS YEAR!!! I just read an article about this other day where he was referred to as the “Benedict Arnold, or the Hanoi Jane” of the team. I love that analogy. He is the guy that is ratting out his players to the NVA. They trust him with secret notes to bring back to the US (the Ball) and he hands it over the Vietcong (the opposing team)…wait a second, one of those was for the Gators, this similarity has gone awry. HAHA, Jarrett Lee, a traitor. That’s funny. This game is freaking ridiculous, about as shitty as playing the Citadel next we….you know what? I praise LSU for having the guts to schedule a team of this caliber this late in the season. It takes balls. Yea AMERICA!
Treaux-jans 17
Tigres 33
ML
Treauxjans 13
Coonasses 34
EGM
Trojans 10
Cajuns 35
Tennessee – OFF
CB
Fulmer has embarrassed us all. Losing to Wyoming??? That sort of behavior is unacceptable in Knoxville. That is not the way that Volunteer football should be played. And I’m a GATOR FAN. I don’t even care if UT ever gets back on their feet, but now I know what the AD up there must have felt. If I’m even getting worked about this, then I can’t imagine how someone who actually WANTS them to succeed must feel. I guess now Phil can eat as many McRibwiches he wants! Ah retirement.
Arkansas – OFF
ML
I cannot think of anything to say about the Razorbacks. I like John Pelphrey and think he will be tough for teams in the West to deal with in hoops.
BC at FSU (-7), 8
ML
“Well, that’s America for you, isn’t it.” Was the quote from St. Bobby upon hearing about a massive brawl in the “student” union between his players and some douches from an F$U frat. You gotta love it. He gets such a pass from the media you’d think his middle name was Hussein. I wonder if he remembers his heartbreaking loss to the rambling wreck last week. Meanwhile, BC completely shut down Notre Dame last week, which means nothing. FSU will have some distractions, so they will not cover.
Flutie U 10
Con U 16
CB
BC 19
FSUcks 24
EGM
BC 14
FSU 28
Thursday, November 06, 2008
Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Week XI
El Gran Mono
COMRADES! What a week of highs and lows! Up with the Gators, down with the free market! The Gators hammered UGA and seemed to make everything right in the world. However, this was followed by BARACK! winning and nationalizing thousands of my tax dollars while simultaneously scrapping the Constitution in favor of “fairness.” Even worse, one of my favorite authors, Michael Crichton died. I guess you take the good with the bad. Another bad note, I’ve been on a brutal slide in the picks. I’m going bold this week, mixing in some Ayn Rand and some upset specials. We’ll see if that’s the CHANGE! I need.
Malt Licker
In the spirit of the coming Administration, and to prepare our readers for the institution of the Orwellian “Fairness” doctrine, the Malt Licker is going to personally provide “an alternative viewpoint” and ghost-write for a fan of the much-maligned Big Ten. But not without first saying how great it was to smash Georgia.
Cuzzin’ Bailey
I can’t tell you what a relief it is that the Gators trounced UGA last week. I have to admit it was causing a little grief in my household, well right up until Friday night when I had a vision. Some call it a drunken delusion; I choose to call it a vision. I had a cold most of last week so I was a little lightheaded. Some friends came in town for the Cocktail Party and so I felt the need to throw back a few brewjacks Friday night. In the course of the evening I had my share and proceeded to hit the hay a bit after 1 am. (Not too late, but I can drink fast so…). Anyways, I lay my head down on my pillow and I thought to myself. “(Cuzzin Bailey), I can feel a blow out coming.” Some people, in my situation, may have considered that a sign to go pray to the porcelain God, but not me…When I awoke the next morning I expressed this thought to my comrades but no one believed me. Looks like in this case, drinking WAS the answer…Oh yea, RIP Michael Crichton, RIP Capitalism…
Georgia at Kentucky (+10.5), 12:30
ML
So this SEC is supposed to be so deep and great, how is it that Georgia can be so thoroughly dominated. I thought the SEC was supposed to be deep and competitive. Georgia’s performance reminds me of the last two national title games, when the Big Ten absolutely destrrrr….oh..never mind. I can assure you; however, that Kentucky would not win the Big 10.
Puppies 31
Kitties 14
EGM
Dawgs 31
Kitties 17
CB
Nice Black Pants…on dudes (losers) 30
UK 15
Arkansas at South Carolina (-11.5), 1
CB
Years and years ago, people joked that Steve Spurrier was going to run Phat Phil right out of Knox-vegas because of how badly the Gators owned UT. The semi-prophetic comments came to fruition this week, as the Vols fired Fulmer on the heels of a humiliating loss at South Carolina. Basically, what I’m telling you is, if these pathetic Gamecocks can drive the nail in the coffin for a seasoned veteran coaching a (once) elite team in the SEC East, then what hope in holy hell does Arkansas have this week? They are terrible, awful, worthless, and they are coached by a guy who would better deal his kids soccer match if he thought it was more lucrative to watch the T-ball game down the street. He is already headed to his worst season ever as a head coach…maybe the Ol’ Ball Coach has it in him for one more kill…
ArKANTsas 16
Watch the GAME you COCK 34
EGM
Hawgs 14
Cocks 28
ML
The other white meat 10
The normal white meat 20
Tennessee-Martin at Auburn (NL), 2:30
CB
The rotation sure did fuck me this week. I guess I can take this time to talk about how I hope for Tommy Tuberville’s sake Aubs gives him one more year to make up for this years embarrassment. I am BY NO MEANS an Auburn fan, to the point that I think I hate them more than any team in the SEC, but give me a break. This guy is a total badass when it comes to coaching and if they (and by they I of course mean Bobby Lowder) scorn Tuberville, I wouldn’t be surprised at all if he boarded an orange and white jet right after the Bama game and landed in Knoxville. How lucky am I that I got to talk about two of the biggest scumbags in the SEC this week (Lowder and Petrino)?!
UT-MAHTIN! 2
Aw, Burn Tommy and he’ll get ya…like Freddy. 69 (hehe)
EGM
Who cares? 0
Plainsmen 25
ML
SkyHawks 10
Plainsmen 31
Alabama at LSU (+3), 3:30
EGM
Nothing can understate how huge this game is to both teams. The stadium will harbor hate for both coaches because LSU fans are not even behind their own guy Les Miles. The game itself will feature two very talented defensive/offensive lines, two subpar QBs, a bevy of stud WRs (only one of them on Bama) and tons of overall speed. The two difference makers will be LSU's homefield advantage and Bama's one dimensional attack. LSU will force Bamer to pass after they sell out to stop the run and I'm fully counting on a JPW meltdown after he takes a couple of hits. Bama's conventional running attack doesn't match up well to the strength of the LSU D-line. Both UGA and UF destroyed LSU by exploiting the perimeter of the Cajun defense and then throwing over the top. Bama doesn't have the same kind of attack and Saban typically likes to play ball control and let his huge O-Line wear you down. For LSU on offense, the key is keeping Bama's defense on the field multiple sets of downs. The huge fat ass they count on to stop the run tires easily and LSU has an excellent line and stud TBs that can take advantage of that weakness. Will Miles abandon the run as usual and play into the Saban trap? For once, I'll say no.
Tide 13
Bayou Bengals 17
ML
Satan’s Tide 21
Les S U 22
CB
ROLL TIDE (for 3 more weeks) 23
LSU 19
Wyoming at Tennessee (-27), 1
ML
You Southerners are so impetuous, is it the hot weather? We stick with our coaches until they are convicted of DUIs (Gary Moeller), are near death (JoePa), actually die (Randy Walker), or lose to Michigan all the time (John Cooper). We do not like to shake things up too much. Rich Rodriguez’ performance in Ann Arbor is the case in point. His crazy spread option will never work. We grow our grass 6 inches high and all that running and stuff will not work. If you are going to do an option, there must be 2 fullbacks and 3 tight ends at all times.
Equality State 10
Volunteer State 24
EGM
Cowboys 10
Vols 31
CB
UW 6
UT 30
Florida at Vanderbilt (-24), 8
CB
Wish I A) knew how to insert pictures and B) wasn’t worried that a picture could come back and bite me on the ass in the future if I post it on the net. I have some golden pics from last weekend, (one of them, me coming in second in a beer shotgun booyah!). The majority of the pix are of the UGA side of the stadium in Jax circa middle of the 3rd quarter, EMPTY. It was quite the site. Well I heard it looks like most Jags games, but that is beside the point. Anyways, with that huge win, the Gators have a chance to clinch the SEC East this weekend by defeating a pretty tough Vandy team. I have to give them respect this week even though I hate them, cause I’m trying to follow Urban’s lead. (Is it really that big of a stretch to blindly follow one man’s advice and rhetoric? I mean 64 million people did it Tuesday! Badum ching!). Anyways…as I said, beat Vandie, clinch the EAST, root for Bama until the SECCG…I swear it shall be done! GO GATORS!
UF 42
Vandalay 17
EGM
Gators 38
Dores 13
ML
Big Ten Bullies 30
Not as good as Northwestern 14
Ole Miss - OFF
ML
One thing I must say, I love summer dresses. We never see those up here in the Midwest. Our girls where hoodies and peacoats. By the time we find out whether they have a good body or not, its too late and we are “pot-committed.” I love the accents too. It is much better than the “oooooh sure” and “don’t ya knows” we get up here.
Mississippi State – OFF
EGM
If you could spend an off week anywhere, I have to believe Starkvegas has to top the list places NOT TO GO.
Oklahoma State at Tejas Tech (-3), 8
EGM
Tejas Tech now enters the gauntlet that Tejas was unable to get through. The Cowboys have a high powered attack and have even been known to play a little defense. They get strong QB play for Zac Robinson and have an effective running game. However, Tejas Tech is pretty studly at home as proven last week. Harrell to Crabtree is quite a hard combination to stop and the Red Raiders actually have a defense this year. This game has trap written all over it for the highly ranked Techsters but they play fantastic at home and will pull away at some point. I really hope Mike Leach goes to Clemson rather than Tennessee, life would be even tougher if he was in the SEC.
Cowboys 21
Red Raidaz 31
ML
T. Boone 38
Raiders 34
CB
Okie St 37
Tex Tech 38
COMRADES! What a week of highs and lows! Up with the Gators, down with the free market! The Gators hammered UGA and seemed to make everything right in the world. However, this was followed by BARACK! winning and nationalizing thousands of my tax dollars while simultaneously scrapping the Constitution in favor of “fairness.” Even worse, one of my favorite authors, Michael Crichton died. I guess you take the good with the bad. Another bad note, I’ve been on a brutal slide in the picks. I’m going bold this week, mixing in some Ayn Rand and some upset specials. We’ll see if that’s the CHANGE! I need.
Malt Licker
In the spirit of the coming Administration, and to prepare our readers for the institution of the Orwellian “Fairness” doctrine, the Malt Licker is going to personally provide “an alternative viewpoint” and ghost-write for a fan of the much-maligned Big Ten. But not without first saying how great it was to smash Georgia.
Cuzzin’ Bailey
I can’t tell you what a relief it is that the Gators trounced UGA last week. I have to admit it was causing a little grief in my household, well right up until Friday night when I had a vision. Some call it a drunken delusion; I choose to call it a vision. I had a cold most of last week so I was a little lightheaded. Some friends came in town for the Cocktail Party and so I felt the need to throw back a few brewjacks Friday night. In the course of the evening I had my share and proceeded to hit the hay a bit after 1 am. (Not too late, but I can drink fast so…). Anyways, I lay my head down on my pillow and I thought to myself. “(Cuzzin Bailey), I can feel a blow out coming.” Some people, in my situation, may have considered that a sign to go pray to the porcelain God, but not me…When I awoke the next morning I expressed this thought to my comrades but no one believed me. Looks like in this case, drinking WAS the answer…Oh yea, RIP Michael Crichton, RIP Capitalism…
Georgia at Kentucky (+10.5), 12:30
ML
So this SEC is supposed to be so deep and great, how is it that Georgia can be so thoroughly dominated. I thought the SEC was supposed to be deep and competitive. Georgia’s performance reminds me of the last two national title games, when the Big Ten absolutely destrrrr….oh..never mind. I can assure you; however, that Kentucky would not win the Big 10.
Puppies 31
Kitties 14
EGM
Dawgs 31
Kitties 17
CB
Nice Black Pants…on dudes (losers) 30
UK 15
Arkansas at South Carolina (-11.5), 1
CB
Years and years ago, people joked that Steve Spurrier was going to run Phat Phil right out of Knox-vegas because of how badly the Gators owned UT. The semi-prophetic comments came to fruition this week, as the Vols fired Fulmer on the heels of a humiliating loss at South Carolina. Basically, what I’m telling you is, if these pathetic Gamecocks can drive the nail in the coffin for a seasoned veteran coaching a (once) elite team in the SEC East, then what hope in holy hell does Arkansas have this week? They are terrible, awful, worthless, and they are coached by a guy who would better deal his kids soccer match if he thought it was more lucrative to watch the T-ball game down the street. He is already headed to his worst season ever as a head coach…maybe the Ol’ Ball Coach has it in him for one more kill…
ArKANTsas 16
Watch the GAME you COCK 34
EGM
Hawgs 14
Cocks 28
ML
The other white meat 10
The normal white meat 20
Tennessee-Martin at Auburn (NL), 2:30
CB
The rotation sure did fuck me this week. I guess I can take this time to talk about how I hope for Tommy Tuberville’s sake Aubs gives him one more year to make up for this years embarrassment. I am BY NO MEANS an Auburn fan, to the point that I think I hate them more than any team in the SEC, but give me a break. This guy is a total badass when it comes to coaching and if they (and by they I of course mean Bobby Lowder) scorn Tuberville, I wouldn’t be surprised at all if he boarded an orange and white jet right after the Bama game and landed in Knoxville. How lucky am I that I got to talk about two of the biggest scumbags in the SEC this week (Lowder and Petrino)?!
UT-MAHTIN! 2
Aw, Burn Tommy and he’ll get ya…like Freddy. 69 (hehe)
EGM
Who cares? 0
Plainsmen 25
ML
SkyHawks 10
Plainsmen 31
Alabama at LSU (+3), 3:30
EGM
Nothing can understate how huge this game is to both teams. The stadium will harbor hate for both coaches because LSU fans are not even behind their own guy Les Miles. The game itself will feature two very talented defensive/offensive lines, two subpar QBs, a bevy of stud WRs (only one of them on Bama) and tons of overall speed. The two difference makers will be LSU's homefield advantage and Bama's one dimensional attack. LSU will force Bamer to pass after they sell out to stop the run and I'm fully counting on a JPW meltdown after he takes a couple of hits. Bama's conventional running attack doesn't match up well to the strength of the LSU D-line. Both UGA and UF destroyed LSU by exploiting the perimeter of the Cajun defense and then throwing over the top. Bama doesn't have the same kind of attack and Saban typically likes to play ball control and let his huge O-Line wear you down. For LSU on offense, the key is keeping Bama's defense on the field multiple sets of downs. The huge fat ass they count on to stop the run tires easily and LSU has an excellent line and stud TBs that can take advantage of that weakness. Will Miles abandon the run as usual and play into the Saban trap? For once, I'll say no.
Tide 13
Bayou Bengals 17
ML
Satan’s Tide 21
Les S U 22
CB
ROLL TIDE (for 3 more weeks) 23
LSU 19
Wyoming at Tennessee (-27), 1
ML
You Southerners are so impetuous, is it the hot weather? We stick with our coaches until they are convicted of DUIs (Gary Moeller), are near death (JoePa), actually die (Randy Walker), or lose to Michigan all the time (John Cooper). We do not like to shake things up too much. Rich Rodriguez’ performance in Ann Arbor is the case in point. His crazy spread option will never work. We grow our grass 6 inches high and all that running and stuff will not work. If you are going to do an option, there must be 2 fullbacks and 3 tight ends at all times.
Equality State 10
Volunteer State 24
EGM
Cowboys 10
Vols 31
CB
UW 6
UT 30
Florida at Vanderbilt (-24), 8
CB
Wish I A) knew how to insert pictures and B) wasn’t worried that a picture could come back and bite me on the ass in the future if I post it on the net. I have some golden pics from last weekend, (one of them, me coming in second in a beer shotgun booyah!). The majority of the pix are of the UGA side of the stadium in Jax circa middle of the 3rd quarter, EMPTY. It was quite the site. Well I heard it looks like most Jags games, but that is beside the point. Anyways, with that huge win, the Gators have a chance to clinch the SEC East this weekend by defeating a pretty tough Vandy team. I have to give them respect this week even though I hate them, cause I’m trying to follow Urban’s lead. (Is it really that big of a stretch to blindly follow one man’s advice and rhetoric? I mean 64 million people did it Tuesday! Badum ching!). Anyways…as I said, beat Vandie, clinch the EAST, root for Bama until the SECCG…I swear it shall be done! GO GATORS!
UF 42
Vandalay 17
EGM
Gators 38
Dores 13
ML
Big Ten Bullies 30
Not as good as Northwestern 14
Ole Miss - OFF
ML
One thing I must say, I love summer dresses. We never see those up here in the Midwest. Our girls where hoodies and peacoats. By the time we find out whether they have a good body or not, its too late and we are “pot-committed.” I love the accents too. It is much better than the “oooooh sure” and “don’t ya knows” we get up here.
Mississippi State – OFF
EGM
If you could spend an off week anywhere, I have to believe Starkvegas has to top the list places NOT TO GO.
Oklahoma State at Tejas Tech (-3), 8
EGM
Tejas Tech now enters the gauntlet that Tejas was unable to get through. The Cowboys have a high powered attack and have even been known to play a little defense. They get strong QB play for Zac Robinson and have an effective running game. However, Tejas Tech is pretty studly at home as proven last week. Harrell to Crabtree is quite a hard combination to stop and the Red Raiders actually have a defense this year. This game has trap written all over it for the highly ranked Techsters but they play fantastic at home and will pull away at some point. I really hope Mike Leach goes to Clemson rather than Tennessee, life would be even tougher if he was in the SEC.
Cowboys 21
Red Raidaz 31
ML
T. Boone 38
Raiders 34
CB
Okie St 37
Tex Tech 38
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Week X
Cuzzin’ Bailey
Well, I wish I could say I am watching the World Series Game 6 as I’m writing this, but alas we all know that isn’t true. The Phillies came up with very timely hits and that’s that. The Rays had a great season and I’m very happy I was able to be witness to a good part of it. In regards to the Gators…this week we have the hated Bulldogs and their merry band of fair weather fans/bandwagon jumpers that I am surrounded by in Jacksonville these days. We’ll see who has the last laugh on Monday in class bitches!
El Gran Mono
Redemption week! I really can’t wait to be a few brews deep and watching CBS on mute this Saturday. There is no listening to the Verne/Gary Georgia love in at my domicile. I found the same mute button was an effective weapon against Chip Caray, et al during the ALCS. I’m still not ready to talk about the World Series, give me a week. As for the games, there isn’t much in the SEC outside of UF-UGA but at least we get to pick the gun slinging Big 12 matchup once again. Sadly, last week determined that the Big Ten will be getting a team in the BCS Championship. While Penn State tends to be tougher than Ohio State, they still don’t have the fire power to beat a Big12/SEC Champion or USC. When will everyone learn that a playoff is the only true test…
Malt Licker
Man, I fucking hate Georgia with every fiber of my being. I hate their coach. I hate their fans. I hate Larry Munson. I hate the hedges. I hate their fans. I hate their coach. Unlike their team last year, I do not have to manufacture any emotion. It is pumping through me like crazy. I do not feel very comfortable about my game picking prospects this week, everything else is on the back burner, so take them with a grain of salt.
Auburn at Ole Miss (-6.5), 12:30
CB
Just when we thought that the Tigers were out of the doldrums of offensive futility, they pull themselves back in. I mean I had the right idea that Auburn couldn’t win in Morgantown last week, I just thought they might have a little heart to actually cover the spread. Boy was I wrong. They blow. Now Ole Miss on the other hand has had a rather up and down season. The down being that they play very, very well against good/great teams, but can play poorly against a subpar opponent. Enter Aw-burn. They are about as subpar as you can get right now, so this could be a let down game for the Rebs. IF, they play as hard as they did against UF and against Bama, this could be a long day for the Plainsmen. Hotty Toddy, let’s bank on that.
Awwbarn 13
Ole Miss 21
EGM
Plaintigers 21
Rebs 20
ML
u-barn burners 20
Ole Piss 17
Tulsa at Arkansas (+7), 2
ML
Who would have thought Ark-kansas would be an underdog at home to the Golden Hurricane? Are we allowed to call them the Hurricane? Or is that offensive to Katrina survivors? What is offensive, are the eyes and soul of one Bobby Petrino. Tulsa looks to remain a BCS BUSTER BABY!!!! To do so they’ll have to use the top offense in the nation to snap the Hawgs 16 game winning streak.
Golden Low-Pressure Systems 23
Sooooeeeey 21
CB
Tul 24
Ark 19
EGM
Golden Hurricane 21
Hawgs 24
Kentucky at Mississippi State (-3), 2:30
EGM
This is definitely not a showcase game for the SEC. Neither team has much offense and after watching KY in action last week I think Miss State actually has the advantage on O. Crazy shit right? When is the last time Miss State had a better offense than its opposition? I’m betting that answer includes a team with Sleepy Robinson or maybe even Wayne “Preseason All-SEC” Madkin. I’d love to write all day about this game but honestly its terrible. Avoid it at all costs.
Crappy Cats 3
Crappy Dawgs 7
CB
Kantuckee 17
Mess St 12
ML
Kenblocky-punty 20
Croooooooooom 10
Arkansas State at Alabama (-22.5), 3
CB
Let’s just agree that presuming the Tide play as well as they can and do in big games, they will destroy Arkansas St. The one wrinkle is, it seems like they haven’t be able to get up for these shitbox shows. Hell even UK isn’t as crummy as they’ve been in the past and Bammer played most of the game like they were half asleep. IF they can’t get hyped for a sure SEC win then I generally don’t expect much enthusiasm in this contest. Now, that is not to say that the Red Wolves stand any chance. The only way in hell this game is very close is if every position starter for Alabama gets hurt and Nick the dick Saban starts flipping a coin for offensive plays. No, the real question here is, will the Tide cover. Schizophrenia reigns in the SEC when it comes to whether or not teams show up big against out matched opponents, so I’m gonna go with a little faith here…just turned on Encore, and lo and behold, Crimson Tide is on the for the 500th time this week…guess we know what I’m thinking.
Arkie State 10
Bama 45
EGM
Redwolves 7
Bamer 28
ML
Might as well be DeVry 2
Tide 31
Georgia vs. Florida (-5.5), 3:30
CB
This is the game of the year my friends, and anyone tells you different, they’re selling something. I have no idea what that last part means, but I heard it in a movie and it sounded cool. But seriously, I hope yall don’t mind if I vent a little. I ask you, WHEN did it become “cool” for chicks to randomly like UGA? I mean I understand girls that went there and stuff, but there are all sorts of tricks at my school that are just liking the Dawgs this weekend cause “they have cute shirts” or “b/c Johnny likes them” or whatever. Its really fucking annoying. When did it become anything but dirty as shit and scummy as hell to like the BULLDOGS????? ARRRGH! Anyways, sorry but, I needed that. This is for real going to be a great game (God Damnit). Both teams match up very, very well, with the exception of the secondary position, in that both sides have the potential to give up the big play in that regards and that could mean the game for either team. As a biased Gator fan, I am looking forward to a few things. 1) UF scoring an early TD and not acting like a bunch of faggots (see: UGA first TD last year), 2) letting Tim be Tim, run when he wants, stiff arm a few linebackers and score all over those assholes, and 3) speaking of LBs, I REALLY like the matchup of their banged up crew versus our quiet little tandem of Demps and Rainey. (the nerds on some Gator forum tried nicknaming them, it was lame). Anyways, looks like its gonna be great football weather, partly cloudy and cool. Lots of tailgating in site, and tickets in hand. Go GATORS!!!
UGA 23
UF 34
EGM
Dawgs 17
Gators 31
ML
Hated 14
Loved 27
Tennessee at South Carolina (-6), 7
ML
Can Spur-dog ride the flowing locks of his drunken quarterback and kick the chair out from under Phil? We all know the noose is tightening around the neck. It would be fitting that the plump one’s biggest nemesis be the one to ring the death knell for his coaching career. I haven’t seen UT play with emotion (aside from Eric Berry) in about 3 years. I just don’t think they care enough about their leader to lay it on the line. Some new blood in Knoxville is needed.
100th ranked rushing offense 10
Fighting Garcia’s 25
CB
UT 15
USC 20
EGM
Vols 10
Cocks 13
Tulane at LSU (-25.5), 8
EGM
I guess this game is some kind of rivalry. Or maybe they just get together and talk about how shitty the roads are in the Pelican State. I haven’t figured it out yet. However, what I have figured out is that LSU’s secondary couldn’t tackle Cuzzin’ Bailey 10 brews deep. It was like greased pigs were running loose in the secondary last weekend. Tulane totally blows and still has no shot. The real question is whether Jarret Lee continues his quest for Pick Sixes.
Green Wave 10
Tigers 38
CB
Tulate 9
Seasons over 40
ML
In-state doormat 3
SEC East doormat 42
Vanderbilt – OFF
ML
I honestly believe Vandy is going to lose out and blow yet another chance at a bowl appearance. How the hell do you lose to Duke? I know Cutcliffe is a good coach, but c’mon. I want them to lose out, too. I have never met anyone remotely cool who attended Vanderbilt.
Tejas at Tejas Tech (+3.5), 8
EGM
Never bet against Texas Tech at home. But what I’m gonna tell you is this, bet against Texas Tech at home. Seems crazy right? Texas Tech has never played in a game of this magnitude and I’m sure they are thinking the same thing right now. Even Mike Leach in full pirate gear on the sidelines won’t help them. I foresee dropped balls and many blown coverages. Maybe even a 4th quarter comeback, but Tejas and Colt McCoy will be too much. Whatever it is, take the over.
Horns 35
Red Raidaz 31
CB
HORNS! 43
Raiders 38
ML
6th Street – 33
Win it for Jason Street (and the gators) 34
Well, I wish I could say I am watching the World Series Game 6 as I’m writing this, but alas we all know that isn’t true. The Phillies came up with very timely hits and that’s that. The Rays had a great season and I’m very happy I was able to be witness to a good part of it. In regards to the Gators…this week we have the hated Bulldogs and their merry band of fair weather fans/bandwagon jumpers that I am surrounded by in Jacksonville these days. We’ll see who has the last laugh on Monday in class bitches!
El Gran Mono
Redemption week! I really can’t wait to be a few brews deep and watching CBS on mute this Saturday. There is no listening to the Verne/Gary Georgia love in at my domicile. I found the same mute button was an effective weapon against Chip Caray, et al during the ALCS. I’m still not ready to talk about the World Series, give me a week. As for the games, there isn’t much in the SEC outside of UF-UGA but at least we get to pick the gun slinging Big 12 matchup once again. Sadly, last week determined that the Big Ten will be getting a team in the BCS Championship. While Penn State tends to be tougher than Ohio State, they still don’t have the fire power to beat a Big12/SEC Champion or USC. When will everyone learn that a playoff is the only true test…
Malt Licker
Man, I fucking hate Georgia with every fiber of my being. I hate their coach. I hate their fans. I hate Larry Munson. I hate the hedges. I hate their fans. I hate their coach. Unlike their team last year, I do not have to manufacture any emotion. It is pumping through me like crazy. I do not feel very comfortable about my game picking prospects this week, everything else is on the back burner, so take them with a grain of salt.
Auburn at Ole Miss (-6.5), 12:30
CB
Just when we thought that the Tigers were out of the doldrums of offensive futility, they pull themselves back in. I mean I had the right idea that Auburn couldn’t win in Morgantown last week, I just thought they might have a little heart to actually cover the spread. Boy was I wrong. They blow. Now Ole Miss on the other hand has had a rather up and down season. The down being that they play very, very well against good/great teams, but can play poorly against a subpar opponent. Enter Aw-burn. They are about as subpar as you can get right now, so this could be a let down game for the Rebs. IF, they play as hard as they did against UF and against Bama, this could be a long day for the Plainsmen. Hotty Toddy, let’s bank on that.
Awwbarn 13
Ole Miss 21
EGM
Plaintigers 21
Rebs 20
ML
u-barn burners 20
Ole Piss 17
Tulsa at Arkansas (+7), 2
ML
Who would have thought Ark-kansas would be an underdog at home to the Golden Hurricane? Are we allowed to call them the Hurricane? Or is that offensive to Katrina survivors? What is offensive, are the eyes and soul of one Bobby Petrino. Tulsa looks to remain a BCS BUSTER BABY!!!! To do so they’ll have to use the top offense in the nation to snap the Hawgs 16 game winning streak.
Golden Low-Pressure Systems 23
Sooooeeeey 21
CB
Tul 24
Ark 19
EGM
Golden Hurricane 21
Hawgs 24
Kentucky at Mississippi State (-3), 2:30
EGM
This is definitely not a showcase game for the SEC. Neither team has much offense and after watching KY in action last week I think Miss State actually has the advantage on O. Crazy shit right? When is the last time Miss State had a better offense than its opposition? I’m betting that answer includes a team with Sleepy Robinson or maybe even Wayne “Preseason All-SEC” Madkin. I’d love to write all day about this game but honestly its terrible. Avoid it at all costs.
Crappy Cats 3
Crappy Dawgs 7
CB
Kantuckee 17
Mess St 12
ML
Kenblocky-punty 20
Croooooooooom 10
Arkansas State at Alabama (-22.5), 3
CB
Let’s just agree that presuming the Tide play as well as they can and do in big games, they will destroy Arkansas St. The one wrinkle is, it seems like they haven’t be able to get up for these shitbox shows. Hell even UK isn’t as crummy as they’ve been in the past and Bammer played most of the game like they were half asleep. IF they can’t get hyped for a sure SEC win then I generally don’t expect much enthusiasm in this contest. Now, that is not to say that the Red Wolves stand any chance. The only way in hell this game is very close is if every position starter for Alabama gets hurt and Nick the dick Saban starts flipping a coin for offensive plays. No, the real question here is, will the Tide cover. Schizophrenia reigns in the SEC when it comes to whether or not teams show up big against out matched opponents, so I’m gonna go with a little faith here…just turned on Encore, and lo and behold, Crimson Tide is on the for the 500th time this week…guess we know what I’m thinking.
Arkie State 10
Bama 45
EGM
Redwolves 7
Bamer 28
ML
Might as well be DeVry 2
Tide 31
Georgia vs. Florida (-5.5), 3:30
CB
This is the game of the year my friends, and anyone tells you different, they’re selling something. I have no idea what that last part means, but I heard it in a movie and it sounded cool. But seriously, I hope yall don’t mind if I vent a little. I ask you, WHEN did it become “cool” for chicks to randomly like UGA? I mean I understand girls that went there and stuff, but there are all sorts of tricks at my school that are just liking the Dawgs this weekend cause “they have cute shirts” or “b/c Johnny likes them” or whatever. Its really fucking annoying. When did it become anything but dirty as shit and scummy as hell to like the BULLDOGS????? ARRRGH! Anyways, sorry but, I needed that. This is for real going to be a great game (God Damnit). Both teams match up very, very well, with the exception of the secondary position, in that both sides have the potential to give up the big play in that regards and that could mean the game for either team. As a biased Gator fan, I am looking forward to a few things. 1) UF scoring an early TD and not acting like a bunch of faggots (see: UGA first TD last year), 2) letting Tim be Tim, run when he wants, stiff arm a few linebackers and score all over those assholes, and 3) speaking of LBs, I REALLY like the matchup of their banged up crew versus our quiet little tandem of Demps and Rainey. (the nerds on some Gator forum tried nicknaming them, it was lame). Anyways, looks like its gonna be great football weather, partly cloudy and cool. Lots of tailgating in site, and tickets in hand. Go GATORS!!!
UGA 23
UF 34
EGM
Dawgs 17
Gators 31
ML
Hated 14
Loved 27
Tennessee at South Carolina (-6), 7
ML
Can Spur-dog ride the flowing locks of his drunken quarterback and kick the chair out from under Phil? We all know the noose is tightening around the neck. It would be fitting that the plump one’s biggest nemesis be the one to ring the death knell for his coaching career. I haven’t seen UT play with emotion (aside from Eric Berry) in about 3 years. I just don’t think they care enough about their leader to lay it on the line. Some new blood in Knoxville is needed.
100th ranked rushing offense 10
Fighting Garcia’s 25
CB
UT 15
USC 20
EGM
Vols 10
Cocks 13
Tulane at LSU (-25.5), 8
EGM
I guess this game is some kind of rivalry. Or maybe they just get together and talk about how shitty the roads are in the Pelican State. I haven’t figured it out yet. However, what I have figured out is that LSU’s secondary couldn’t tackle Cuzzin’ Bailey 10 brews deep. It was like greased pigs were running loose in the secondary last weekend. Tulane totally blows and still has no shot. The real question is whether Jarret Lee continues his quest for Pick Sixes.
Green Wave 10
Tigers 38
CB
Tulate 9
Seasons over 40
ML
In-state doormat 3
SEC East doormat 42
Vanderbilt – OFF
ML
I honestly believe Vandy is going to lose out and blow yet another chance at a bowl appearance. How the hell do you lose to Duke? I know Cutcliffe is a good coach, but c’mon. I want them to lose out, too. I have never met anyone remotely cool who attended Vanderbilt.
Tejas at Tejas Tech (+3.5), 8
EGM
Never bet against Texas Tech at home. But what I’m gonna tell you is this, bet against Texas Tech at home. Seems crazy right? Texas Tech has never played in a game of this magnitude and I’m sure they are thinking the same thing right now. Even Mike Leach in full pirate gear on the sidelines won’t help them. I foresee dropped balls and many blown coverages. Maybe even a 4th quarter comeback, but Tejas and Colt McCoy will be too much. Whatever it is, take the over.
Horns 35
Red Raidaz 31
CB
HORNS! 43
Raiders 38
ML
6th Street – 33
Win it for Jason Street (and the gators) 34
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Bourbon Boys Pick the SEC Week IX
Cuzzin’ Bailey
Well as many of you know, I was in Alabama last weekend attending a Non-Gator SEC game, and I was treated to a pretty good one. Ole Miss tried to pull the same “come from behind” crap that they did to the Gators, but to no avail. Driving to put the Rebs on top late in the game, Ole Miss came out of a timeout facing 4th and 5. The QB Snead slung the ball 15 yards passed the line to an open area of the field, where the ball fell to the ground motionless, idle, along with the Rebels hopes. Real fucking great play. The Tide survived a scare, showed they are probably as vulnerable as Florida, but are still undefeated. My friends, if the Gators keep playing they way they know how and Bama’s D keeps keeping them in games, we may be looking at a repeat of the most common matchup in SEC Championship history! Oh yea, this is hardly second banana, but The RAYS ARE IN THE WORLD SERIES! Hopefully as you read this, I will have attended Game 1 and we will be up 1 to none!
El Gran Mono
Well, I’d love to tell you that I had a restful week off while the Gators were gearing up for the stretch run; however, that would be a boldface lie. I’ve got Rays fever and even for the biggest of SEC football fans, its managed to take over my life. Oh yeah, I’m writing this just thinking about a frosty cold beverage at Fergs before Game 2. I guess we’ll talk some football. Our thoughts and prayers are with ML this week.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Auburn at West Virginia (-3.5), 7:30
EGM
This is a strange matchup late in the season. Both teams have underachieved but the Mountaineers have done so in the terrible Big East (the ACC and Big Ten are not far behind). Pat White will never be a passer despite half the media claiming that he’s great when he’s not “hurt.” Auburn could actually use someone like Pat White because then they would just abandon the passing game in favor of their much stronger running game. Tubs would love it too because he’s always in favor of runnin’ and big D.
I really see Auburn as being the more talented team but playing in Morgantown on Thursday night smells like the classic trap game. The line might be trap bait too. WVA sucks, I just can’t pick them. I doubt they get more than a field goal on the board against the Plainsmen’ stud D.
Off the Plain 13
In the Mountains 0
CB
Aw-Barn 17
Mountain Hicks 20
ML
Auburn 21
WVU 14
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Kentucky at Florida (-25), 12:30
CB
Kensucky 14
GATORS! 35
EGM
KY 6
Gatorzzzz 31
ML
UK 10
UF 31
Duke at Vanderbilt (-9.5), 3
EGM
Battle of two teams likely to make bowls. Quite the unlikely situation, but when you think about it they both have great coaching and that goes a long way. Bobby Johnson is a favorite at numerous other schools but he might just choose to stay at Vandy for the long term. Cutcliffe will be great no matter where he’s at. I’d love to talk more about the game but it basically boils down to this. Vandy can play defense with the big boys and Duke can’t. Prediction: Cutcliffe will be the next coach of UT, next year.
CB
Puke 13
Vandy 26
ML
Duke 13
Vandy 31
Georgia at LSU (-2.5), 3:30
CB
The UF game is always near and dear to my heart, but I think this is the game of the week. (Shouldn’t be much of a shock there) Two highly ranked BCS teams playing in Death Valley. As a fan of the Gators this one is kind of a toss up in the sense of who I would like to win. We play them both so I guess it doesn’t matter, but if LSU wins it will help prove our rise from the ashes after the dismal loss we suffered in late Sept. LSU supposedly has a good D that let the shitbox Gamecocks drop 17 in the first half, and Knowshon Moreno is a superstar Running back for the Dawgs. The eauxnly thing that bothers me is whether or not UGA will get rattled early in this one with the atmosphere. Look for Mark “the prick” Richt to psych up his team by licking a Bulldogs balls (I think he may have mixed up Jackie Sherrill’s motivation technique), or some other gay ass gimmick, but this time it will work! Kneauxshon comes up big in this one. Yellow Shirt, Purple Britches, Go to Hell You Sons a Bitches!
UGA 24
LSU 23
EGM
Dawgs 17
Cajuns 21
ML
UGA 24
LSU 20
Ole Miss at Arkansas (+5), 7
CB
Nutt returns to the sack with a team that may not have a great record, but can certainly play hard for 60. Not sure if the Ole Miss players can survive all season with 1 quality win and a pocket full of moral victories. Getting off subject a bit (surprise, surprise), I was watching the Houston Nutt show the other day and I noticed two things: 1) I could actually understand him as opposed to Coach O; and 2) He actually blamed Snead for making (or not making) a few bonehead throws. Is that something you say on TV? Who knows. Is he a pedophile looking piece of shit that the Malt Licker and El Gran Mono want to double team? Yes. Last weekend, the best play he called was a fake field goal that was actually a thing of beauty. This week, he may not need to reach into his sack (pun intended) of tricks to beat this mediocre team.
Rebs 34
Backs 20
EGM
Rebs 24
Hawgs 17
ML
Ole Miss 31
Arkansas 21
Middle Tennessee State at Mississippi State (-11.5), 7
CB
MTSU (who) 18
MSU (cares) 24
EGM
Blue Raidaz 13
Dawgs 28
ML
MTSU 23
Miss St 30
Alabama at Tennessee (+7), 7:45
EGM
After Bama had beaten Tennessee eight times in a row, they made shirts that said “Eight Vol, Corner pocket.” To this day, that’s the best trash talk shirt I’ve ever seen. “Fuck Auburn” printed in classy script is a close second. You are gonna think I’m crazy when I say this, but UT will win this game. Bama just doesn’t have what it takes on offense to keep on winning. JP Wilson might as well be talking to the receiver he’s throwing to on one of those tomato can string jobs before he throws it. Saban is clearly aware of this and wants to run the football. However, UT can stop the run and with Crapton no longer running the show, they aren’t turning the rock over at will. I like the Vols and it might just prevent David Cutcliffe from becoming their head coach for a year.
Bamer 10
Vols 13
CB
BAMA 21
VULS 13
ML
Bama 17
UT 9
South Carolina – OFF
Penn State at Ohio State (+2.5), 8
CB
The only reason I picked this game was to express my disdain for both of these schools. First let me start with OSU. They are ridiculously still high in the BCS rankings even though most of the civilized world (and parts of Iran) realize they are a fucking joke. If you thought it was funny watching them lose the last TWO National Championship Games in embarrassing fashion, then I think the BcS should go for the trifecta and prove how worthless the system is…Secondly, PSU. Let me tell you, I have been to almost every school in the SEC and have been around fans from all teams, and no where in the South is as Redneck, whitetrash and just all around chip-on-your-shoulder angry than those psychos in State College. I am fully expecting the same shit from the Phillies fans in St Pete Wednesday night. The presence of any of these types of fans is like anger incarnate. Broken bottles, broken noses, broken teeth, cussing worse than a sailor in a Singapore whorehouse, and that’s just the CHICKS! You hang out with Lions fans, remember one thing, a good supply of body bags…it could get ugly. In re: the game, who cares, if PSU wins they’ll pretty much stamp their ticket to the National Championship game to desecrate the city of Miami, if OSU wins I’m sure they’ll backdoor their way in and get trounced again. Personally I feel we should all prepare for (and celebrate) the destruction of South Florida starting Sunday.
PSU 34
OSU 28
EGM
Nittany Lions 13
Buckeyes 7
ML
Penn St 20
OSU 25
Well as many of you know, I was in Alabama last weekend attending a Non-Gator SEC game, and I was treated to a pretty good one. Ole Miss tried to pull the same “come from behind” crap that they did to the Gators, but to no avail. Driving to put the Rebs on top late in the game, Ole Miss came out of a timeout facing 4th and 5. The QB Snead slung the ball 15 yards passed the line to an open area of the field, where the ball fell to the ground motionless, idle, along with the Rebels hopes. Real fucking great play. The Tide survived a scare, showed they are probably as vulnerable as Florida, but are still undefeated. My friends, if the Gators keep playing they way they know how and Bama’s D keeps keeping them in games, we may be looking at a repeat of the most common matchup in SEC Championship history! Oh yea, this is hardly second banana, but The RAYS ARE IN THE WORLD SERIES! Hopefully as you read this, I will have attended Game 1 and we will be up 1 to none!
El Gran Mono
Well, I’d love to tell you that I had a restful week off while the Gators were gearing up for the stretch run; however, that would be a boldface lie. I’ve got Rays fever and even for the biggest of SEC football fans, its managed to take over my life. Oh yeah, I’m writing this just thinking about a frosty cold beverage at Fergs before Game 2. I guess we’ll talk some football. Our thoughts and prayers are with ML this week.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Auburn at West Virginia (-3.5), 7:30
EGM
This is a strange matchup late in the season. Both teams have underachieved but the Mountaineers have done so in the terrible Big East (the ACC and Big Ten are not far behind). Pat White will never be a passer despite half the media claiming that he’s great when he’s not “hurt.” Auburn could actually use someone like Pat White because then they would just abandon the passing game in favor of their much stronger running game. Tubs would love it too because he’s always in favor of runnin’ and big D.
I really see Auburn as being the more talented team but playing in Morgantown on Thursday night smells like the classic trap game. The line might be trap bait too. WVA sucks, I just can’t pick them. I doubt they get more than a field goal on the board against the Plainsmen’ stud D.
Off the Plain 13
In the Mountains 0
CB
Aw-Barn 17
Mountain Hicks 20
ML
Auburn 21
WVU 14
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Kentucky at Florida (-25), 12:30
CB
Kensucky 14
GATORS! 35
EGM
KY 6
Gatorzzzz 31
ML
UK 10
UF 31
Duke at Vanderbilt (-9.5), 3
EGM
Battle of two teams likely to make bowls. Quite the unlikely situation, but when you think about it they both have great coaching and that goes a long way. Bobby Johnson is a favorite at numerous other schools but he might just choose to stay at Vandy for the long term. Cutcliffe will be great no matter where he’s at. I’d love to talk more about the game but it basically boils down to this. Vandy can play defense with the big boys and Duke can’t. Prediction: Cutcliffe will be the next coach of UT, next year.
CB
Puke 13
Vandy 26
ML
Duke 13
Vandy 31
Georgia at LSU (-2.5), 3:30
CB
The UF game is always near and dear to my heart, but I think this is the game of the week. (Shouldn’t be much of a shock there) Two highly ranked BCS teams playing in Death Valley. As a fan of the Gators this one is kind of a toss up in the sense of who I would like to win. We play them both so I guess it doesn’t matter, but if LSU wins it will help prove our rise from the ashes after the dismal loss we suffered in late Sept. LSU supposedly has a good D that let the shitbox Gamecocks drop 17 in the first half, and Knowshon Moreno is a superstar Running back for the Dawgs. The eauxnly thing that bothers me is whether or not UGA will get rattled early in this one with the atmosphere. Look for Mark “the prick” Richt to psych up his team by licking a Bulldogs balls (I think he may have mixed up Jackie Sherrill’s motivation technique), or some other gay ass gimmick, but this time it will work! Kneauxshon comes up big in this one. Yellow Shirt, Purple Britches, Go to Hell You Sons a Bitches!
UGA 24
LSU 23
EGM
Dawgs 17
Cajuns 21
ML
UGA 24
LSU 20
Ole Miss at Arkansas (+5), 7
CB
Nutt returns to the sack with a team that may not have a great record, but can certainly play hard for 60. Not sure if the Ole Miss players can survive all season with 1 quality win and a pocket full of moral victories. Getting off subject a bit (surprise, surprise), I was watching the Houston Nutt show the other day and I noticed two things: 1) I could actually understand him as opposed to Coach O; and 2) He actually blamed Snead for making (or not making) a few bonehead throws. Is that something you say on TV? Who knows. Is he a pedophile looking piece of shit that the Malt Licker and El Gran Mono want to double team? Yes. Last weekend, the best play he called was a fake field goal that was actually a thing of beauty. This week, he may not need to reach into his sack (pun intended) of tricks to beat this mediocre team.
Rebs 34
Backs 20
EGM
Rebs 24
Hawgs 17
ML
Ole Miss 31
Arkansas 21
Middle Tennessee State at Mississippi State (-11.5), 7
CB
MTSU (who) 18
MSU (cares) 24
EGM
Blue Raidaz 13
Dawgs 28
ML
MTSU 23
Miss St 30
Alabama at Tennessee (+7), 7:45
EGM
After Bama had beaten Tennessee eight times in a row, they made shirts that said “Eight Vol, Corner pocket.” To this day, that’s the best trash talk shirt I’ve ever seen. “Fuck Auburn” printed in classy script is a close second. You are gonna think I’m crazy when I say this, but UT will win this game. Bama just doesn’t have what it takes on offense to keep on winning. JP Wilson might as well be talking to the receiver he’s throwing to on one of those tomato can string jobs before he throws it. Saban is clearly aware of this and wants to run the football. However, UT can stop the run and with Crapton no longer running the show, they aren’t turning the rock over at will. I like the Vols and it might just prevent David Cutcliffe from becoming their head coach for a year.
Bamer 10
Vols 13
CB
BAMA 21
VULS 13
ML
Bama 17
UT 9
South Carolina – OFF
Penn State at Ohio State (+2.5), 8
CB
The only reason I picked this game was to express my disdain for both of these schools. First let me start with OSU. They are ridiculously still high in the BCS rankings even though most of the civilized world (and parts of Iran) realize they are a fucking joke. If you thought it was funny watching them lose the last TWO National Championship Games in embarrassing fashion, then I think the BcS should go for the trifecta and prove how worthless the system is…Secondly, PSU. Let me tell you, I have been to almost every school in the SEC and have been around fans from all teams, and no where in the South is as Redneck, whitetrash and just all around chip-on-your-shoulder angry than those psychos in State College. I am fully expecting the same shit from the Phillies fans in St Pete Wednesday night. The presence of any of these types of fans is like anger incarnate. Broken bottles, broken noses, broken teeth, cussing worse than a sailor in a Singapore whorehouse, and that’s just the CHICKS! You hang out with Lions fans, remember one thing, a good supply of body bags…it could get ugly. In re: the game, who cares, if PSU wins they’ll pretty much stamp their ticket to the National Championship game to desecrate the city of Miami, if OSU wins I’m sure they’ll backdoor their way in and get trounced again. Personally I feel we should all prepare for (and celebrate) the destruction of South Florida starting Sunday.
PSU 34
OSU 28
EGM
Nittany Lions 13
Buckeyes 7
ML
Penn St 20
OSU 25
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Week VIII
ML
I really hate the Red Sox, as I begin typing this it is 7-4, make that 7-6. Nancy Drew just went deep. Come on Wheeler! Anyway, as I try to concentrate on football, I realize the Gators just destroyed the dirty coonasses from LSU. Percy got it going early, and the defense and Jeffrey Demps brought it home. The Gators are right back in the thick of the SEC and National Title race.
CB
Whoa doggie! I don’t want to take anything away from when the Gators beat the Noles, but I must say that whipping up on LSU may be my favorite victory these days. Excuse me, I just saw Curt “the Ankle” Schilling bounce the honorary first pitch to game 5, I’d say he’s probably not in game shape. Anyways, back to football. The Gators are off this week and that is huge for a few reasons. We definitely need to get to full strength before we start this next run of games, UGA is just around the corner, and I’m gonna be out of town this weekend so its nice that I won’t be missing a Gator game! There are some good other SEC games though. I wonder if Vandy is gonna come to play this weekend, same can be said for Ole Miss, and will LSU be able to bounce back from that horribly demoralizing loss at the Swamp last weekend (hehe)?
EGM
What a Saturday! Gators get BOLD with LSU in an absolute thrashing. Rays win in an extra innings thriller (hopefully en route to a World Series birth, fingers crossed). AND I’m back in the driver’s seat in the picks with a 6-0-1 performance. Life doesn’t get much better than that.
Dan Mullen really made me eat my words with that performance. I feel like Bourbon Boys is bulletin board material for him (he’s an avid reader of course). So next time things are down in Gatorland just let the Monkey take the reins of motivation. On to the SEC and perhaps more importantly the Big 12 picks.
Vanderbilt at Georgia (-15), 12:30
CB
Vandy just can’t seem to get to bowl eligible status. I would not be shocked if they lost the rest of their games. Meanwhile, Georgia took care of Phat Phil and the Vols behind an apparently career best performance by Stafford. I have no idea what to expect from Vandy. Do they bounce back and post a strong performance in Athens? Or will they start to realize that they are Vandy, and begin the downward spiral? I’m betting on the spiral.
Vander-flush 10
Jawja 30
ML
Vandy 15
UGLY 28
EGM
Dore (mats) 10
Dawgs 28
Ole Miss at Alabama (-13), 3:30
CB
Well, I’ll be heading to my first ever non-Gator SEC game this weekend. I can’t tell you how relaxing its going to be without a dog in this particular hunt. I can actually watch the game without biting my fingernails off. ANYWAYS, in regards to the game, Ole Miss has one big win this year (against the Gators damnit) and Bama is a different team from week to week. If my memory is correct, Houston Nutt coached teams have done pretty well against Bama recently so hopefully for the Rebs he’ll be able to channel some of that success this weekend. If Bama’s D is as worked up as its been lately, this could get out of hand pretty early. But at the same time, I would not count Jevan Snead and this offense as they are always a threat for the big play.
Ole Miss 17
Bama 28
ML
Rebz 17
Tiiiiiiiiiide 27
EGM
Rebs 21
Tide 17
Arkansas at Kentucky (-8.5), 7
ML
The Hawgs rode the backs of their midget tailback and strong defense to shock the Tigers. They outgained Awbarn by more than 2-1 to garner Petrino his first big victory of the year. The Kats are winless in SEC play, and need a W after getting schooled by SpurDog. I see UK getting their first SEC win and covering easily.
Porkers 14
Meowers 28
CB
Pseudo Kansas 14
Kensucky 23
EGM
Hawgs 21
Cats 20
Mississippi State at Tennessee (-7.5), 7
EGM
I made some rather ruthless comments about watching Miss State playing against Wing T powered Ga Tech. This game will be WORSE to watch than that affair. The Vols are really struggling running the football but look better with Crapton out of there. Both defenses are fairly decent but are often used to long periods of time on the field due to numerous three and outs. Miss State had good luck with the other Vandy at home last week but I think UT is generally better than the Dores and will win this game and cover.
Bulldogs 13
Smokey Dogs 28
ML
Croomers 21
Vowelzzz 20
CB
Mess State 12
UT 30
LSU at South Carolina (+3), 8
EGM
Spurdog may have found something with alcoholic, party-all-the-time QB Stephen Garcia. I’m sure it brings back memories of Sexy Rexy and Douggy J. If Stevie Six Pack can wait on the blitz, then Stevie Visor will be content and many TDs will result.
LSU plays its second tough road game in a row. Generally, their entire team looked like a deer in headlights (except when they took breaks to talk shit after a shoestring tackle to keep a 30 yard gain from becoming a 60 yard gain). I would imagine they will stick with the two QB attack and try to run the ball down the Cocks’ throat. However, I feel like Les Miles’ luck has ran out and Spurdog knows how to take advantage of a situation like that.
Not on the Bayou 21
Cocks 31
ML
CB
LSWho? 31
USC 27
Florida – OFF
CB
My Gad, last weekend was one of the best tailgates we’ve had in a while. Except for the fact that the stupid University frowns on having Kegs at tailgates, it was great. Generally 8pm games drive me crazy, but this weekend joining the Malt Licker and virtual cornucopia of other folks, the hours passed and the beer flowed like water. Anyways, as I said, earlier the Gators killed the Tigers and propelled their ranking from 11 to 5. And while the rankings are huge, dropping a 50 bomb on the Bayou Bengals is a really great feeling. So was talking mock Cajun to the LSU yuppies that were seated near us. Sardonic tones towards opposing fans when winning by huge amounts is so much fun. UK next week…I’m quivering.
Auburn – OFF
ML
Man…could things get any worse in Auburn? A loss by Tommy T to his arch-nemesis, that beady eyed bastard Petrino. They threw in the towel on their OC, and they still have to play WVU, UGA and Bama. At least they have lots of bars to drown their sorrows in…oh wait…they don’t
Kansas at Oklahoma (-20), 3:30
EGM
If ESPN starts to talk about how invincible your team looks, then you might want to watch out. If Scouts Inc picks you to win, then you might as well not show up to the game. If Todd McShay (founder of Scouts Inc) thinks your team is really good, then you should shut down your program.
Okay, that’s my ESPN.com rant. I actually do think Oklahoma is good; however, they had not played a decent team until last week so all comments were a little premature. Just like rankings before November. But this is college football and I guess people need to argue.
As for this game, the Big 12 has some nasty offenses and some stud QBs. But after watching Tejas-Oklahoma I’ve come to realize that there is no defense being played in that conference. I fully expect another shootout in this game. Jay Reesing is a solid player and will easily find targets against a lackluster Sooner secondary but the KU defense will give up too many points in this one.
Jayhawks 24
Sooners 38
ML
Rock Chalk 23
OU 35
CB
Kansasucks 10
Okies Blow 42
Missouri at Texas (-8), 8
CB
Well don’t I just look like an asshole? My friends from Texas came in town to help root on the Gators and I called the UT team overrated and predicted OU to smoke them. After watching a good bit of the Red River Rivalry on Saturday, I can say that I think the Horns are a pretty legit team. However, will my new bandwagon approach backfire and curse Texas? Guess we’ll have to find out. I personally find Missouri very annoying. Their QB is like my height and that’s not an impressive stat. They are total pretenders and I look to Texas to pass all over them.
Mizzou 20
Tejas 30
ML
Chasin’ Tebow 27
Colt 45s 45
EGM
Mizzou 28
Tejas 24
I really hate the Red Sox, as I begin typing this it is 7-4, make that 7-6. Nancy Drew just went deep. Come on Wheeler! Anyway, as I try to concentrate on football, I realize the Gators just destroyed the dirty coonasses from LSU. Percy got it going early, and the defense and Jeffrey Demps brought it home. The Gators are right back in the thick of the SEC and National Title race.
CB
Whoa doggie! I don’t want to take anything away from when the Gators beat the Noles, but I must say that whipping up on LSU may be my favorite victory these days. Excuse me, I just saw Curt “the Ankle” Schilling bounce the honorary first pitch to game 5, I’d say he’s probably not in game shape. Anyways, back to football. The Gators are off this week and that is huge for a few reasons. We definitely need to get to full strength before we start this next run of games, UGA is just around the corner, and I’m gonna be out of town this weekend so its nice that I won’t be missing a Gator game! There are some good other SEC games though. I wonder if Vandy is gonna come to play this weekend, same can be said for Ole Miss, and will LSU be able to bounce back from that horribly demoralizing loss at the Swamp last weekend (hehe)?
EGM
What a Saturday! Gators get BOLD with LSU in an absolute thrashing. Rays win in an extra innings thriller (hopefully en route to a World Series birth, fingers crossed). AND I’m back in the driver’s seat in the picks with a 6-0-1 performance. Life doesn’t get much better than that.
Dan Mullen really made me eat my words with that performance. I feel like Bourbon Boys is bulletin board material for him (he’s an avid reader of course). So next time things are down in Gatorland just let the Monkey take the reins of motivation. On to the SEC and perhaps more importantly the Big 12 picks.
Vanderbilt at Georgia (-15), 12:30
CB
Vandy just can’t seem to get to bowl eligible status. I would not be shocked if they lost the rest of their games. Meanwhile, Georgia took care of Phat Phil and the Vols behind an apparently career best performance by Stafford. I have no idea what to expect from Vandy. Do they bounce back and post a strong performance in Athens? Or will they start to realize that they are Vandy, and begin the downward spiral? I’m betting on the spiral.
Vander-flush 10
Jawja 30
ML
Vandy 15
UGLY 28
EGM
Dore (mats) 10
Dawgs 28
Ole Miss at Alabama (-13), 3:30
CB
Well, I’ll be heading to my first ever non-Gator SEC game this weekend. I can’t tell you how relaxing its going to be without a dog in this particular hunt. I can actually watch the game without biting my fingernails off. ANYWAYS, in regards to the game, Ole Miss has one big win this year (against the Gators damnit) and Bama is a different team from week to week. If my memory is correct, Houston Nutt coached teams have done pretty well against Bama recently so hopefully for the Rebs he’ll be able to channel some of that success this weekend. If Bama’s D is as worked up as its been lately, this could get out of hand pretty early. But at the same time, I would not count Jevan Snead and this offense as they are always a threat for the big play.
Ole Miss 17
Bama 28
ML
Rebz 17
Tiiiiiiiiiide 27
EGM
Rebs 21
Tide 17
Arkansas at Kentucky (-8.5), 7
ML
The Hawgs rode the backs of their midget tailback and strong defense to shock the Tigers. They outgained Awbarn by more than 2-1 to garner Petrino his first big victory of the year. The Kats are winless in SEC play, and need a W after getting schooled by SpurDog. I see UK getting their first SEC win and covering easily.
Porkers 14
Meowers 28
CB
Pseudo Kansas 14
Kensucky 23
EGM
Hawgs 21
Cats 20
Mississippi State at Tennessee (-7.5), 7
EGM
I made some rather ruthless comments about watching Miss State playing against Wing T powered Ga Tech. This game will be WORSE to watch than that affair. The Vols are really struggling running the football but look better with Crapton out of there. Both defenses are fairly decent but are often used to long periods of time on the field due to numerous three and outs. Miss State had good luck with the other Vandy at home last week but I think UT is generally better than the Dores and will win this game and cover.
Bulldogs 13
Smokey Dogs 28
ML
Croomers 21
Vowelzzz 20
CB
Mess State 12
UT 30
LSU at South Carolina (+3), 8
EGM
Spurdog may have found something with alcoholic, party-all-the-time QB Stephen Garcia. I’m sure it brings back memories of Sexy Rexy and Douggy J. If Stevie Six Pack can wait on the blitz, then Stevie Visor will be content and many TDs will result.
LSU plays its second tough road game in a row. Generally, their entire team looked like a deer in headlights (except when they took breaks to talk shit after a shoestring tackle to keep a 30 yard gain from becoming a 60 yard gain). I would imagine they will stick with the two QB attack and try to run the ball down the Cocks’ throat. However, I feel like Les Miles’ luck has ran out and Spurdog knows how to take advantage of a situation like that.
Not on the Bayou 21
Cocks 31
ML
CB
LSWho? 31
USC 27
Florida – OFF
CB
My Gad, last weekend was one of the best tailgates we’ve had in a while. Except for the fact that the stupid University frowns on having Kegs at tailgates, it was great. Generally 8pm games drive me crazy, but this weekend joining the Malt Licker and virtual cornucopia of other folks, the hours passed and the beer flowed like water. Anyways, as I said, earlier the Gators killed the Tigers and propelled their ranking from 11 to 5. And while the rankings are huge, dropping a 50 bomb on the Bayou Bengals is a really great feeling. So was talking mock Cajun to the LSU yuppies that were seated near us. Sardonic tones towards opposing fans when winning by huge amounts is so much fun. UK next week…I’m quivering.
Auburn – OFF
ML
Man…could things get any worse in Auburn? A loss by Tommy T to his arch-nemesis, that beady eyed bastard Petrino. They threw in the towel on their OC, and they still have to play WVU, UGA and Bama. At least they have lots of bars to drown their sorrows in…oh wait…they don’t
Kansas at Oklahoma (-20), 3:30
EGM
If ESPN starts to talk about how invincible your team looks, then you might want to watch out. If Scouts Inc picks you to win, then you might as well not show up to the game. If Todd McShay (founder of Scouts Inc) thinks your team is really good, then you should shut down your program.
Okay, that’s my ESPN.com rant. I actually do think Oklahoma is good; however, they had not played a decent team until last week so all comments were a little premature. Just like rankings before November. But this is college football and I guess people need to argue.
As for this game, the Big 12 has some nasty offenses and some stud QBs. But after watching Tejas-Oklahoma I’ve come to realize that there is no defense being played in that conference. I fully expect another shootout in this game. Jay Reesing is a solid player and will easily find targets against a lackluster Sooner secondary but the KU defense will give up too many points in this one.
Jayhawks 24
Sooners 38
ML
Rock Chalk 23
OU 35
CB
Kansasucks 10
Okies Blow 42
Missouri at Texas (-8), 8
CB
Well don’t I just look like an asshole? My friends from Texas came in town to help root on the Gators and I called the UT team overrated and predicted OU to smoke them. After watching a good bit of the Red River Rivalry on Saturday, I can say that I think the Horns are a pretty legit team. However, will my new bandwagon approach backfire and curse Texas? Guess we’ll have to find out. I personally find Missouri very annoying. Their QB is like my height and that’s not an impressive stat. They are total pretenders and I look to Texas to pass all over them.
Mizzou 20
Tejas 30
ML
Chasin’ Tebow 27
Colt 45s 45
EGM
Mizzou 28
Tejas 24
Thursday, October 09, 2008
Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Week VII
El Gran Mono
This weekend sets up as one of the most memorable in my lifetime. The Gators matching up against LSU in revenge game #1 of this 2008 season, the Rays matched up against the scum sucking southy clan, and a hell of a general slate in college football highlighted by the no-defense-Big 12 matchup of Oklahoma-Tejas. I’m looking forward to two TVs in my living room and watching the good guys pave their way to an SEC championship and a World Series title.
Also, a warm BBoys Happy Belated Birthday to CB. Thirty, beotch! Enjoy Torts.
Malt Licker
Big game Saturday….a full slate of intense games in the SEC and throughout the rest of the nation. As well as game two for the Rays against the Chowds. Throw in the fact that Cuzzin’ Bailey just became the first bourbon boy with the ignominious honor of entering his 30s, and it could not be a more exciting weekend. I’m heading north and congregating with a bunch of old buddies and throwing the tailgate of the century. If you are one of the 4 people who read this make a trek to Murphree hall and look for the drunkest collection of folks within 50 feet. Additionally, be careful not to have too much fun, apparently our fascist school president does not take kindly to drunken mayhem.
Cuzzin’ Bailey
Another big weekend for the Gators, and for your Cuz…hell, next weekend is huge too as I will be attending my first non Gator SEC game ever. Hopefully that will be more relaxing than this one. Big crew of alumni and friends coming to Gainesville this weekend and it should be a wild time. Another 8pm LSU game, shit. I just hope the Gators can A) not play like morons, and B) maybe beat Les Miles at his own game. I am looking for a number of trickeration plays, or going for it on 4 and short, etc. I think if we can give him a taste of his own medicine, it may cause him to get a little desperate and try even more fucked up moves. How’s that sound? Come to think of it, I don’t know about that. The guy is incredibly lucky so anything he throws at Florida generally sticks. I think LSU would be more vulnerable if they just stuck to a normal game plan and didn’t try anything funny. Let’s go with that…Go Gators!
South Carolina at Kentucky (-1), 12:30
ML
The Kats proved me right and did their consummate “cover.” If it wasn’t for a flukey turnover they may have unrolled the tide. The Cocks bounced back with a big win over Ole Miss on the road. I honestly have no idea what to expect in this game. It could not be more even. I think it will probably come down to turnovers, and usually the road team nuts up more.
Chickens 23
Felines 27
EGM
Cocks 14
Kats 13
CB
USC 17
UK 14
Vanderbilt at Mississippi State (+3), 2:30
EGM
Vandy performed admirably last week in a tough matchup with the Plainsmen. However, a few Nashville high school teams would have defended Auburn’s superawesome spread in a similar manner. So do I think Vandy is that good? No, I think they are the same team as last year, even more so with Mac Adams at QB. They have a terrible running game and their passing offense is bottom tier. Chris Nickson has the scrambling and play making ability to allow them to look better. He’s questionable for this game…
Miss State actually turned the corner a little bit against the almighty Tigers of LSU. However, those same Tigers gave up some points to the Plainsmen. What to make of all of this? Who knows? I know they are playing inside the fifth ring of hell. Advantage, Miss State.
No longer “1st in the SEC” 13
Croom 17
ML
Bowl eligible already??? 21
Almost a trap 19
CB
Vandie 16
Miss St 4
Tennessee at Georgia (-12), 3:30
CB
Not sure exactly where to begin with this game. I suppose I could start by saying I have pretty much nothing but absolute disdain for both these schools, so forgive me if my take on this game is a little negative. In re: to the game, two weeks ago (before the Bama debacle) I would have taken the Dawgs with a 17 point spread; but now that we have seen what a decent defense can do to UGA, I am less impressed with them. On the other side, I have never been impressed with UT’s offense. Crompton is terrible. And the awesome thing is, regardless of how great he may become, he’s already a junior and its gonna take a lot longer than ½ a year for him to get any better. If the Vols future is JC, then it’ll last 1 more year and be painful to watch…I love Crompton as the enemies QB. Knowshon Moreno is like hurt or something, and that could be detrimental to an already fragile UGA morale. This could be an upset waiting to happen, but it probably won’t.
UT 16
UGA 27
EGM
Vols 17
Dawgs 24
ML
Vol Pride dwindling 20
Cant Cover 24
Arkansas at Auburn (-19.5), 5
ML
The Hawgs are the team that supposedly cures all malaise, but the Plainsmen are hoping that the canning of their OC Tony Franklin will turn around their season. I think it is too late for that, and a new scheme is tough to implement in 1 week. Luckily they’re playing the aforementioned hogs and their beady-eyed head coach. Do you think he’ll try and steal TT’s job at halftime? If I were Tommy I’d dispatch a spy to watch his every move.
Cagey Hawgs 16
Tigers 24
EGM
Hawgs 10
Plainsmen 24
CB
Ark 3
Aubie 21
LSU at Florida (-5.5), 8
EGM
Well, I’ve held back long enough on my Gator take. So, here it goes. Fast teams have found a way to deal with the spread. Tebow usually takes the punishment. Our O-Line is loaded with top flight prospects but doesn’t seem to be able to handle the scheme. But do the mighty Gators adjust? Hell no. And Tebow then takes more punishment. Imagine this team WITHOUT Tebow. Scary stuff for even the most devoted Gator fan.
I’m really hoping to see the adjustments Urban made after losing to Bama and LSU in his first year. He worked with the players he had. That’s what I’m looking for, but I fully expect a ton of five wide sets against a superfast team that will blitz at least seven players. Did I mention I love Dan Mullen? Remarkably, I still see Tebow having a game like he had last year and keeping us in this.
LSU has nothing at QB, a massive offensive line and a tendency to abandon the running game even when its working. Oh yeah, their coach is a fucking maniac. I’m sure they’ll do great in the Swamp with all that going for them.
I feel like change is in the air and I don’t mean socialism.
Tiggers 17
Gatorzzzzzzzz? 28
ML
Cajun Freaks 20
Drunk Gators 21
CB
LSU 20
FLORIDA 24
Alabama – OPEN
CB
Well, Bama sure showed me that I have absolutely no idea what I’m talking about. I had them winning next week running away and UK kept it very close and destroyed the line. The Tide couldn’t have been looking forward to the BYE week and I’m sure they weren’t already thinking about Ole Miss next week, so I suppose, to use a football cliché it must have been a “hangover” from the UGA stomping. Anyways, I’m glad I have the knowledge of them struggling with Kensucky last week so know I’ll be more able to pick them next week.
Ole Miss – OPEN
EGM
Open week, plenty of time to get a haircut and cut down on your loser factor by 100. However, I’m sure you’ll just throw a blazer on the situation, drink a mint julep, and pay for it with a crisp five from your tall wallet. And THAT is why you will live in Mississippi your whole life.
P.S. – William Faulkner SUCKS!
Texas vs. Oklahoma (-7), 12
CB
The Red River Rivalry, yes I know it’s the Red River Shootout I just like to fuck with my UT friends. Anyways, I’m gonna piss them off s’more cause I don’t think that Texas has a shot in this game. I hope this isn’t bad Karma since they are both coming down here this weekend for the UF/LSU game. Shit, I think in order to balance everything out I may just have to pick the ‘Horns. What a fucking stupid move that would be huh? From what I have seen (well mostly heard), Oklahoma is totally legit and many “experts” don’t seem that impressed with Texas just yet. Well this is a rivalry game, I think its time to throw out the numbers and just guess…
UT 21
OKIE 33
EGM
Horns 28
Sooners 31
ML
Tejas 20
Sooners 24
Penn State at Wisconsin (+5), 8
ML
Yawn…the Big 10 Baby!!! To explain to you how shitty last Saturday was for me, I was on duty at a tax seminar from 9-7, and the only game that was worth watching involved Wisconsin and OSU. Wisconsin blew that game because they couldn’t stop the Terrelle Pryor scramble around and throw it up for grabs play that the SweaterVest kept running. Apparently this is the one year out of 4 that Penn State is actually good. Can they keep it going in Camp Randall? JoePa has an injured leg, but he is no doubt troubled by all the liberal douches he’ll be surrounded by in Madison.
JoePa 4 Czar! 28
Badgered 13
EGM
Lions 24
Badgers 17
CB
PSU 34
WISCO 27
This weekend sets up as one of the most memorable in my lifetime. The Gators matching up against LSU in revenge game #1 of this 2008 season, the Rays matched up against the scum sucking southy clan, and a hell of a general slate in college football highlighted by the no-defense-Big 12 matchup of Oklahoma-Tejas. I’m looking forward to two TVs in my living room and watching the good guys pave their way to an SEC championship and a World Series title.
Also, a warm BBoys Happy Belated Birthday to CB. Thirty, beotch! Enjoy Torts.
Malt Licker
Big game Saturday….a full slate of intense games in the SEC and throughout the rest of the nation. As well as game two for the Rays against the Chowds. Throw in the fact that Cuzzin’ Bailey just became the first bourbon boy with the ignominious honor of entering his 30s, and it could not be a more exciting weekend. I’m heading north and congregating with a bunch of old buddies and throwing the tailgate of the century. If you are one of the 4 people who read this make a trek to Murphree hall and look for the drunkest collection of folks within 50 feet. Additionally, be careful not to have too much fun, apparently our fascist school president does not take kindly to drunken mayhem.
Cuzzin’ Bailey
Another big weekend for the Gators, and for your Cuz…hell, next weekend is huge too as I will be attending my first non Gator SEC game ever. Hopefully that will be more relaxing than this one. Big crew of alumni and friends coming to Gainesville this weekend and it should be a wild time. Another 8pm LSU game, shit. I just hope the Gators can A) not play like morons, and B) maybe beat Les Miles at his own game. I am looking for a number of trickeration plays, or going for it on 4 and short, etc. I think if we can give him a taste of his own medicine, it may cause him to get a little desperate and try even more fucked up moves. How’s that sound? Come to think of it, I don’t know about that. The guy is incredibly lucky so anything he throws at Florida generally sticks. I think LSU would be more vulnerable if they just stuck to a normal game plan and didn’t try anything funny. Let’s go with that…Go Gators!
South Carolina at Kentucky (-1), 12:30
ML
The Kats proved me right and did their consummate “cover.” If it wasn’t for a flukey turnover they may have unrolled the tide. The Cocks bounced back with a big win over Ole Miss on the road. I honestly have no idea what to expect in this game. It could not be more even. I think it will probably come down to turnovers, and usually the road team nuts up more.
Chickens 23
Felines 27
EGM
Cocks 14
Kats 13
CB
USC 17
UK 14
Vanderbilt at Mississippi State (+3), 2:30
EGM
Vandy performed admirably last week in a tough matchup with the Plainsmen. However, a few Nashville high school teams would have defended Auburn’s superawesome spread in a similar manner. So do I think Vandy is that good? No, I think they are the same team as last year, even more so with Mac Adams at QB. They have a terrible running game and their passing offense is bottom tier. Chris Nickson has the scrambling and play making ability to allow them to look better. He’s questionable for this game…
Miss State actually turned the corner a little bit against the almighty Tigers of LSU. However, those same Tigers gave up some points to the Plainsmen. What to make of all of this? Who knows? I know they are playing inside the fifth ring of hell. Advantage, Miss State.
No longer “1st in the SEC” 13
Croom 17
ML
Bowl eligible already??? 21
Almost a trap 19
CB
Vandie 16
Miss St 4
Tennessee at Georgia (-12), 3:30
CB
Not sure exactly where to begin with this game. I suppose I could start by saying I have pretty much nothing but absolute disdain for both these schools, so forgive me if my take on this game is a little negative. In re: to the game, two weeks ago (before the Bama debacle) I would have taken the Dawgs with a 17 point spread; but now that we have seen what a decent defense can do to UGA, I am less impressed with them. On the other side, I have never been impressed with UT’s offense. Crompton is terrible. And the awesome thing is, regardless of how great he may become, he’s already a junior and its gonna take a lot longer than ½ a year for him to get any better. If the Vols future is JC, then it’ll last 1 more year and be painful to watch…I love Crompton as the enemies QB. Knowshon Moreno is like hurt or something, and that could be detrimental to an already fragile UGA morale. This could be an upset waiting to happen, but it probably won’t.
UT 16
UGA 27
EGM
Vols 17
Dawgs 24
ML
Vol Pride dwindling 20
Cant Cover 24
Arkansas at Auburn (-19.5), 5
ML
The Hawgs are the team that supposedly cures all malaise, but the Plainsmen are hoping that the canning of their OC Tony Franklin will turn around their season. I think it is too late for that, and a new scheme is tough to implement in 1 week. Luckily they’re playing the aforementioned hogs and their beady-eyed head coach. Do you think he’ll try and steal TT’s job at halftime? If I were Tommy I’d dispatch a spy to watch his every move.
Cagey Hawgs 16
Tigers 24
EGM
Hawgs 10
Plainsmen 24
CB
Ark 3
Aubie 21
LSU at Florida (-5.5), 8
EGM
Well, I’ve held back long enough on my Gator take. So, here it goes. Fast teams have found a way to deal with the spread. Tebow usually takes the punishment. Our O-Line is loaded with top flight prospects but doesn’t seem to be able to handle the scheme. But do the mighty Gators adjust? Hell no. And Tebow then takes more punishment. Imagine this team WITHOUT Tebow. Scary stuff for even the most devoted Gator fan.
I’m really hoping to see the adjustments Urban made after losing to Bama and LSU in his first year. He worked with the players he had. That’s what I’m looking for, but I fully expect a ton of five wide sets against a superfast team that will blitz at least seven players. Did I mention I love Dan Mullen? Remarkably, I still see Tebow having a game like he had last year and keeping us in this.
LSU has nothing at QB, a massive offensive line and a tendency to abandon the running game even when its working. Oh yeah, their coach is a fucking maniac. I’m sure they’ll do great in the Swamp with all that going for them.
I feel like change is in the air and I don’t mean socialism.
Tiggers 17
Gatorzzzzzzzz? 28
ML
Cajun Freaks 20
Drunk Gators 21
CB
LSU 20
FLORIDA 24
Alabama – OPEN
CB
Well, Bama sure showed me that I have absolutely no idea what I’m talking about. I had them winning next week running away and UK kept it very close and destroyed the line. The Tide couldn’t have been looking forward to the BYE week and I’m sure they weren’t already thinking about Ole Miss next week, so I suppose, to use a football cliché it must have been a “hangover” from the UGA stomping. Anyways, I’m glad I have the knowledge of them struggling with Kensucky last week so know I’ll be more able to pick them next week.
Ole Miss – OPEN
EGM
Open week, plenty of time to get a haircut and cut down on your loser factor by 100. However, I’m sure you’ll just throw a blazer on the situation, drink a mint julep, and pay for it with a crisp five from your tall wallet. And THAT is why you will live in Mississippi your whole life.
P.S. – William Faulkner SUCKS!
Texas vs. Oklahoma (-7), 12
CB
The Red River Rivalry, yes I know it’s the Red River Shootout I just like to fuck with my UT friends. Anyways, I’m gonna piss them off s’more cause I don’t think that Texas has a shot in this game. I hope this isn’t bad Karma since they are both coming down here this weekend for the UF/LSU game. Shit, I think in order to balance everything out I may just have to pick the ‘Horns. What a fucking stupid move that would be huh? From what I have seen (well mostly heard), Oklahoma is totally legit and many “experts” don’t seem that impressed with Texas just yet. Well this is a rivalry game, I think its time to throw out the numbers and just guess…
UT 21
OKIE 33
EGM
Horns 28
Sooners 31
ML
Tejas 20
Sooners 24
Penn State at Wisconsin (+5), 8
ML
Yawn…the Big 10 Baby!!! To explain to you how shitty last Saturday was for me, I was on duty at a tax seminar from 9-7, and the only game that was worth watching involved Wisconsin and OSU. Wisconsin blew that game because they couldn’t stop the Terrelle Pryor scramble around and throw it up for grabs play that the SweaterVest kept running. Apparently this is the one year out of 4 that Penn State is actually good. Can they keep it going in Camp Randall? JoePa has an injured leg, but he is no doubt troubled by all the liberal douches he’ll be surrounded by in Madison.
JoePa 4 Czar! 28
Badgered 13
EGM
Lions 24
Badgers 17
CB
PSU 34
WISCO 27
Thursday, October 02, 2008
Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Week VI
CB
Don’t I feel like a fool for predicting that the Gators would trounce Ole Miss last week! The game was not only atrocious, but seeing people passing out cause of the heat was something I haven’t seen in like years (sorry for the generic time frame, but my memory for viewing sunstroke isn’t what it used to be). Anyways, my weekend overall was tremendous, the tailgate was baller, and I got to meet Shane Matthews (thanks to a certain Ole Miss fan that was visiting me), but the Gators lost. On a bright note, UGA lost too. They didn’t just lose, they got killed! This of course makes me happy cause we’re like that girl in the beginning of the Devil’s Advocate… “(We) didn’t want to be the only one.”
EGM
Mr. Positive is through. I hate the spread. I hate five wide. I hate people that wear blazers or sundresses to games. I hate croakies. I hate communists. I hate people who talk on their Bluetooth. I hate the ACC and Big Ten. I hate the Red Sox. Most importantly, I hate anyone who doesn’t coequally hate these things.
ML
Ugggggh….what is the deal with the Magnolia State? UF has lost like 7 out of 10 against teams from this cesspool. I usually hate the typical liberal elitist take on states in the Deep South, but that excludes Mississippi. The state has brought me nothing but misery. I hated Mississippi Burning, The Ghosts of Mississippi, Mississippi Masala. I even hate the song Mississippi Queen. Anyway, I really hate the fact that I have to attend a seminar all day Saturday and Sunday. At least I know I won’t have to watch Mullen’s 5-wide set.
Florida at Arkansas (+24.5), 12:30
CB
This is the test to see if I have learned anything from last week. Sure Ole Miss is probably 10 times better than Pseduo-Kansas, but this is still the SEC West. After all these years of playing these RRSWGs (Random Road SEC West Games), I have learned two things, 1. Every school in that division hates UF with more fury than a gambl-holic in Vegas after the 10th time you’ve thrown the craps dice off the table, and 2. You can’t take one of these for granted. Hell, I was at the 2000 Miss St debacle. We were supposed to destroy the Bulldogs, but it turned into a shootout from the get go. And if it weren’t for: A) Gillespie’s “celebration” penalty at the beginning of the 3rd; B) Spurrier punting on a third down; C) our idiot Captains choosing defense after MSU deferred when they won the coin toss; and D) Dicenzo Miller and Dante Walker rushing for two bills each, we might have prevailed. But that’s the way shit works in the WEST. The 2004 redux single handedly ended Zook’s fabulous career at Florida (I suppose in that case we should thank the West). Anyways, here it’s the same old shit, nothing to fear, we might as well send out scout team. I swear if we don’t jump on this team early we are going to regret it. I believe Timmy T when he says that he is going to play as hard as anyone and it appears they are going to strap the ball to Harvin’s back and let him carry us to victory this weekend, so while I’m going to pick against the spread, I know it in my heart that we are going to win this week! GO GATORS!
UF 38
Noah’s Ark-ade 17
EGM
Gators 38
Hawgs 10
ML
Until you prove you can score 40, I wont pick you to cover 31
Hog Soup 10
South Carolina at Ole Miss (-2.5), 2
EGM
Ol’ Houston Nutt came up with a huge win on Saturday. But I’m sure it was worth kicking him out of Arkansas because Mitch Mustain didn’t get to toss it around enough. If anything I’m sure it will expedite their ass to the Big 10. I wonder if Bobby Petrino will stick around for that?
South Carolina is just terrible along the lines of scrimmage and Ole Miss will definitely exploit that. The Rebs specialize in fat ass linemen that clog shit up. Spurrier dominated the West for his first few years in the league but has faded off lately, along with his talent level. Ole Miss will stay in the big zone they played last week and force horrendous Mike Davis to beat them. I like their chances…by more than 2.5.
Cocks 14
Rebs 24
CB
USC 17
Ole Miss 23
ML
Cocks like being underdogs 22
Ole Letdown 20
Kentucky at Alabama (-16.5), 3:30
CB
Bama was seriously impressive again last weekend. Another Mark Richt gimmick and this time his players weren’t impressed by the theatrics. A note to UK, once the Tide get “rolling” (pardon the pun) they are tough to stop. JP Wilson and Julio Jones are very talented and if they (as well as the Bama D) are hot this could get ugly real quick. The Wildcats are out scoring their opponents 126 to 22, one little problem, they are all out of gimme games. It’s all SEC from here on out and if they don’t live up to their BS game billing, they could be in for a long season. I’ll take Bama at home, AND the points…
UK 17
UA 35
EGM
Cover Cats 14
Bamer 21
ML
Koverin’ Kats 20
Tiiiiiiiiiide 31
Auburn at Vanderbilt (+4), 6
EGM
Game of the week? Who woulda thought?
The Plainsmen got a gift from Jon Crapton last week in the form of a ridiculous fumble. Other than that, Auburn looked positively awful. Neither of their Qbs can do anything in the passing game and people have figured out their two running plays. Its time for Tubs to kick that idiot OC out of town and crush some Vandy scum. But, hold on one second, Vandy is not the same old Vandy. They play great defense and don’t turn the ball over. I gotta say though, four points? No chance.
Plainsmen 17
One loss Dores 14
CB
AW 26
VA 23
ML
Plainsmen 24
‘Dores 17
Northern Illinois at Tennessee (-15.5), 7
ML
Man, it is seriously panic time in Knoxville, luckily these Huskies suck. The Vols seem to have issues holding onto the ball inside the 10 yard line, whether their own or the opponents. They gave that game to Auburn and are 0-2 in the SEC and 1-3 overall. Surely that should be enough motivation to cover against Northern Illinois. I know nothing about the Huskies and don’t care enough to change that.
NIU 13
Vawwwlz 33
CB
NI 17
UT 30
EGM
Salukis 7
Vols 28
Georgia – OPEN
CB
Here’s one little problem with gimmicks, when they don’t work, and your team doesn’t get motivated enough to win, then what? I mean if you are relying on costumes and pageantry to get your team hyped (ala “Blackouts” and “Everyone run onto the field after you score a touchdown”), and one day you wake up and it doesn’t work, you may have to go back to regular COACHING!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOO! And another thing, “Mark Richt doesn’t seem like the intense no BS guy that Meyer is”, (so I’ve been told by my UGA and FSU friends), does that mean that I HAVE TO LIKE HIM?? Just cause he has that balding-guy-desperate-for-a-friend-smile look on his face doesn’t mean I would have a beer with him. Also, I’ve been told that Gator fans are “the worst” and “have no class,” I guess I’ll live up to the billing by saying, I hope Knowhon Moreno’s season is over. I really could give a shit what Bulldog fans (who bark and drool at games) think about me. Man I was really worked up…glad that’s over.
LSU – OPEN
ML
The Tigers struggled mightily against Croom-land last week, but have a week off to rest and prepare to take on our beloved Gators. The only issue they have to worry about is how many siblings will sleep together and whether or not they will run out of moonshine.
Mississippi State – OPEN
EGM
Is their a better place to spend a free weekend than Starkville? Port-Au-Prince or Lagos perhaps.
Florida State at Miami (-2), 3:30
ML
How times have changed. I remember when this was a must-see game of the year. ABC would flood the airwaves with advertising as a clash of the titans. Now…it’s a big yawn. You can guarantee it will be hard hitting game, but you can just as easily guarantee that the quarterback play will be terrible. F$U is feeling froggy after knocking off Colorado and the Canes are wounded after losing in Chapel Hill. Well the hundreds of fans harness this energy and bring a hostile attitude to Joe Robbie? You bet. Will there be more tricked up vehicles and scumbag haircuts in one 3 square radius anywhere else in the world tomorrow?
Nole$ 13
CoCanes 16
CB
FSU 13
MEE-AMI 12
EGM
Noles 13
Canes 16
Don’t I feel like a fool for predicting that the Gators would trounce Ole Miss last week! The game was not only atrocious, but seeing people passing out cause of the heat was something I haven’t seen in like years (sorry for the generic time frame, but my memory for viewing sunstroke isn’t what it used to be). Anyways, my weekend overall was tremendous, the tailgate was baller, and I got to meet Shane Matthews (thanks to a certain Ole Miss fan that was visiting me), but the Gators lost. On a bright note, UGA lost too. They didn’t just lose, they got killed! This of course makes me happy cause we’re like that girl in the beginning of the Devil’s Advocate… “(We) didn’t want to be the only one.”
EGM
Mr. Positive is through. I hate the spread. I hate five wide. I hate people that wear blazers or sundresses to games. I hate croakies. I hate communists. I hate people who talk on their Bluetooth. I hate the ACC and Big Ten. I hate the Red Sox. Most importantly, I hate anyone who doesn’t coequally hate these things.
ML
Ugggggh….what is the deal with the Magnolia State? UF has lost like 7 out of 10 against teams from this cesspool. I usually hate the typical liberal elitist take on states in the Deep South, but that excludes Mississippi. The state has brought me nothing but misery. I hated Mississippi Burning, The Ghosts of Mississippi, Mississippi Masala. I even hate the song Mississippi Queen. Anyway, I really hate the fact that I have to attend a seminar all day Saturday and Sunday. At least I know I won’t have to watch Mullen’s 5-wide set.
Florida at Arkansas (+24.5), 12:30
CB
This is the test to see if I have learned anything from last week. Sure Ole Miss is probably 10 times better than Pseduo-Kansas, but this is still the SEC West. After all these years of playing these RRSWGs (Random Road SEC West Games), I have learned two things, 1. Every school in that division hates UF with more fury than a gambl-holic in Vegas after the 10th time you’ve thrown the craps dice off the table, and 2. You can’t take one of these for granted. Hell, I was at the 2000 Miss St debacle. We were supposed to destroy the Bulldogs, but it turned into a shootout from the get go. And if it weren’t for: A) Gillespie’s “celebration” penalty at the beginning of the 3rd; B) Spurrier punting on a third down; C) our idiot Captains choosing defense after MSU deferred when they won the coin toss; and D) Dicenzo Miller and Dante Walker rushing for two bills each, we might have prevailed. But that’s the way shit works in the WEST. The 2004 redux single handedly ended Zook’s fabulous career at Florida (I suppose in that case we should thank the West). Anyways, here it’s the same old shit, nothing to fear, we might as well send out scout team. I swear if we don’t jump on this team early we are going to regret it. I believe Timmy T when he says that he is going to play as hard as anyone and it appears they are going to strap the ball to Harvin’s back and let him carry us to victory this weekend, so while I’m going to pick against the spread, I know it in my heart that we are going to win this week! GO GATORS!
UF 38
Noah’s Ark-ade 17
EGM
Gators 38
Hawgs 10
ML
Until you prove you can score 40, I wont pick you to cover 31
Hog Soup 10
South Carolina at Ole Miss (-2.5), 2
EGM
Ol’ Houston Nutt came up with a huge win on Saturday. But I’m sure it was worth kicking him out of Arkansas because Mitch Mustain didn’t get to toss it around enough. If anything I’m sure it will expedite their ass to the Big 10. I wonder if Bobby Petrino will stick around for that?
South Carolina is just terrible along the lines of scrimmage and Ole Miss will definitely exploit that. The Rebs specialize in fat ass linemen that clog shit up. Spurrier dominated the West for his first few years in the league but has faded off lately, along with his talent level. Ole Miss will stay in the big zone they played last week and force horrendous Mike Davis to beat them. I like their chances…by more than 2.5.
Cocks 14
Rebs 24
CB
USC 17
Ole Miss 23
ML
Cocks like being underdogs 22
Ole Letdown 20
Kentucky at Alabama (-16.5), 3:30
CB
Bama was seriously impressive again last weekend. Another Mark Richt gimmick and this time his players weren’t impressed by the theatrics. A note to UK, once the Tide get “rolling” (pardon the pun) they are tough to stop. JP Wilson and Julio Jones are very talented and if they (as well as the Bama D) are hot this could get ugly real quick. The Wildcats are out scoring their opponents 126 to 22, one little problem, they are all out of gimme games. It’s all SEC from here on out and if they don’t live up to their BS game billing, they could be in for a long season. I’ll take Bama at home, AND the points…
UK 17
UA 35
EGM
Cover Cats 14
Bamer 21
ML
Koverin’ Kats 20
Tiiiiiiiiiide 31
Auburn at Vanderbilt (+4), 6
EGM
Game of the week? Who woulda thought?
The Plainsmen got a gift from Jon Crapton last week in the form of a ridiculous fumble. Other than that, Auburn looked positively awful. Neither of their Qbs can do anything in the passing game and people have figured out their two running plays. Its time for Tubs to kick that idiot OC out of town and crush some Vandy scum. But, hold on one second, Vandy is not the same old Vandy. They play great defense and don’t turn the ball over. I gotta say though, four points? No chance.
Plainsmen 17
One loss Dores 14
CB
AW 26
VA 23
ML
Plainsmen 24
‘Dores 17
Northern Illinois at Tennessee (-15.5), 7
ML
Man, it is seriously panic time in Knoxville, luckily these Huskies suck. The Vols seem to have issues holding onto the ball inside the 10 yard line, whether their own or the opponents. They gave that game to Auburn and are 0-2 in the SEC and 1-3 overall. Surely that should be enough motivation to cover against Northern Illinois. I know nothing about the Huskies and don’t care enough to change that.
NIU 13
Vawwwlz 33
CB
NI 17
UT 30
EGM
Salukis 7
Vols 28
Georgia – OPEN
CB
Here’s one little problem with gimmicks, when they don’t work, and your team doesn’t get motivated enough to win, then what? I mean if you are relying on costumes and pageantry to get your team hyped (ala “Blackouts” and “Everyone run onto the field after you score a touchdown”), and one day you wake up and it doesn’t work, you may have to go back to regular COACHING!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOO! And another thing, “Mark Richt doesn’t seem like the intense no BS guy that Meyer is”, (so I’ve been told by my UGA and FSU friends), does that mean that I HAVE TO LIKE HIM?? Just cause he has that balding-guy-desperate-for-a-friend-smile look on his face doesn’t mean I would have a beer with him. Also, I’ve been told that Gator fans are “the worst” and “have no class,” I guess I’ll live up to the billing by saying, I hope Knowhon Moreno’s season is over. I really could give a shit what Bulldog fans (who bark and drool at games) think about me. Man I was really worked up…glad that’s over.
LSU – OPEN
ML
The Tigers struggled mightily against Croom-land last week, but have a week off to rest and prepare to take on our beloved Gators. The only issue they have to worry about is how many siblings will sleep together and whether or not they will run out of moonshine.
Mississippi State – OPEN
EGM
Is their a better place to spend a free weekend than Starkville? Port-Au-Prince or Lagos perhaps.
Florida State at Miami (-2), 3:30
ML
How times have changed. I remember when this was a must-see game of the year. ABC would flood the airwaves with advertising as a clash of the titans. Now…it’s a big yawn. You can guarantee it will be hard hitting game, but you can just as easily guarantee that the quarterback play will be terrible. F$U is feeling froggy after knocking off Colorado and the Canes are wounded after losing in Chapel Hill. Well the hundreds of fans harness this energy and bring a hostile attitude to Joe Robbie? You bet. Will there be more tricked up vehicles and scumbag haircuts in one 3 square radius anywhere else in the world tomorrow?
Nole$ 13
CoCanes 16
CB
FSU 13
MEE-AMI 12
EGM
Noles 13
Canes 16
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Week V
Malt Licker
If only I wagered exclusively on Gators games, I’d be at 100%. I had no worries going into the UT game, and from the opening kickoff, no worries turned into absolutely no worries. It was tremendous seeing phat phil stomp around like an oversized angry toddler. It was even better watching a sea of puke orange evacuate Neyland like a hurricane was coming. The Auburn/LSU game was entertaining as always, although much more high-scoring than I envisioned. I believe Bowden and F$U should write DC and try to get one of these bailouts the Fed seems to be handing out like candy.
Cuzzin’ Bailey
Big time win last week! The Vuls fans were outtie 5000 circa the end of the 3rd quarter, and let me tell you, HD makes your fan base’s allegiance look that much classier! On a side note that doesn’t involve college football (the horror), the Rays will hopefully have clinched the AL East by the time you read this! Anyways, great weekend of sports last week with the Rays getting in the playoffs, the USA defeating the scumbag Euro-trash in the Ryder Cup and the Bucs playing a little pitch and catch to defeat da’ Bearsss up in Chi-cah-go. Anyways, FSU lost, and I’m ready to hand them the “throwing in the towel” towel for this season. No offense for the Wake Skanks, but FSU could have and UF would have scored like 30 on the Deacs last weekend. That game was sloppy. Well this weekend the Mighty Gators are back at home for a little southern cooking. The Ole Miss Rebs with their new coach come to the Swamp to see just how good (or shitty) Jevan Snead really is…
El Gran Mono
Last week I was called out for various predictions that were deemed to be too harsh and overly critical by a few of the readers. As a disciple of change with hope for a better future I will scrap the tired moniker of the last six years and become…Mr. Positive.
Ole Miss at Florida (-23), 12:30
CB
I’ve been reading Gatorsports all week long and they have been trying to scare me into thinking that just cause the Rebels have Snead and Nutt they should be considered legitimate. Let me tell you, Ole Miss is like the Clemson of the SEC. It seems like folks always want them to BE good, after all they gave us Archie and Eli, and yet it never seems to pan out. Albeit, considering we have dropped 2 of the last 3 to the Rebels, they have a little room to talk, but that was under shitforbrains Ron Zook. And I still to THIS DAY believe that the ineligible receiver down field call at the end of the 02 game was total horseshit. Oh man I just realized that game was on my birthday, well fucking happy birthday to me huh? Anyways, I believe that Snead is probably special and that the Malt Licker would juggle Houston’s Nutts if offered, but I’m liking Urban ball version 2008, (a little special teams here, a lotta defense there, and some outstanding offensive talent). I’m sure at some point it will be close, but the boys from Old Florida will have this in the bag by halftime (with a few picks) and the media’s gonna tell me how boring it is to win without crazy highlights. I’ll take the wins, and since I’ll be there this weekend it will be extra sweet. GO GATORS!
MISS that pass 13
GATORS! 37
ML
Tuna's Favorite 10
Gators 34
EGM
Rebs 10
Gators 31
Tennessee at Auburn (-6), 3:30
EGM
Both of these schools love football. Even though they both lost last week, they are really excited to play this week. Competition is tons of fun. Tennessee will be bringing a very spry young puppy named Smokey to be their good luck charm. Auburn likes their team so much they have three different good luck names. They also have a quaint town with lots of tea shops and places with good cookies. I LOVE COOKIES!!
Auburn’s QB is an excellent young man who loves to throw the football. Even though he doesn’t throw well all the time, he still loves to play so much that he can’t stop throwing. Tennessee’s QB is full of spunk and self confidence. He’ll be a great real estate guy someday like Heath Shuler (maybe even a Congressman). Its so hard to pick winners and losers when you are having this much fun. I have a feeling the Auburn running back will have a super day though because the Volunteer lineman will be having fun with Auburn’s lineman. Can I play too!
Vols 17
Tigers 21
ML
Orange Evacuees 14
Plainzzzmen 19
CB
Next Stop on the Bandwagon, 17
AUBURN, AL 22
Arkansas at Texas (-27), 3:30
CB
This game got postponed due to Tropical Storm so and so…man, I wish I had picked this game two weeks ago. This was boner move. At least a few weeks back I would have been a bit more delusional to how much Psuedo-Kansas sucks! Just how much they blow would have been very, very useful information last week when I (embarrassed shrug) picked them to cover the line last weekend hosting Bama. To all you Tide fans out there, I apologize. That was really stupid. Anyways, it looks like Colt McCoy, (badass name btw) is having a pretty baller year right now, averaging 60 on the ground and passing pretty well and it looks like Bobby Petrino has no idea how to coach defense anymore so I’m going with Tejas big, 27 big? Maybe
Ark 10
Tex 35
ML
Fried Pork 13
Bevo Burger 44
EGM
Hawgs 13
Tejas 42
Western Kentucky at Kentucky (-22), 7
CB
A rivalry unlike any other! The Battle of the Bluegrass State! The Mighty Hilltoppers of Bowling Green …alright that’s enough. The odds are yall didn’t have Keith Jackson’s voice in your head when you were reading it like I did so that’s going nowhere. WKU has some tradition I suppose, in the NCAA tourney they are one of the 12 seeds I traditionally pick to upset a 5! The campus, “located atop one of the highest points in Southcentral Kentucky”…did you get that, not THE highest point in S.Central Ky, but ONE OF THE. That is impressive. Kensucky is coming off a strong bye week. I presume they won. Anyways, judging by this spread I’m guessing the Hilltoppers suck at football and I’m just gonna roll with that assumption. Go ‘Cats.
A Moderately High Point in Kentucky 12
The Klass of the Kentucky Kommunity (whoa, that was unintentional) 34
ML
Pillpoppers 10
Whiskas 35
EGM
Hilltoppers 10
Wildcats 28
UAB at South Carolina (-24.5), 7
EGM
UAB will love Columbia. It’s a great town with a heart of gold. If they are staying at the Holidome, then I highly recommend a couple games of putt-putt followed by a few cold drinks in the hot tub. You can even swim from the indoor pool to the outdoor pool. What a great time!
The Gamecocks haven’t had a great time playing against the other schools this year. But they are really excited to have the chance to play against the Blazers. What a fun mascot they have! UAB has so much fun playing they really don’t care about the score. Its also doubly hard for them to play on the road, they miss Birmingham so much its hard not to think about it during the game. Steve Spurrier is a very fun coach and I’m guessing he’ll have a lot of fun playing in this game.
Blazers 7
Gamecocks 38
ML
Blazin’ 10
12.5 points would be too much 21
CB
UAB 17
USC 40
Mississippi State at Louisiana State (-24), 7:30
EGM
Miss State is just living the dream this year. Its like they are touring around celebrating last season’s successes every game. They must be having a lot of fun. They played against Georgia Tech last week and had a bunch of offensive yards but decided to give the ball to Georgia Tech a few times just to be nice. They really liked watching the Wing T offense in action. Who doesn’t right? It was really disappointing that we missed that game while drinking beers at Calhoun’s. Luckily, in two years we will have a boat just like those fun Tennessee fans. I’m sure they will welcome us with open arms!
LSU had a great win against another team called the Tigers. That must have been confusing. LOL! I’m sure it wasn’t a big deal because they were having such great time playing on such a beautiful night. In fact, it was such a beautiful night that one of LSU’s QBs took the entire second half off to look at the stars. His best friend decided to play QB the rest of the game and have a great time by throwing the ball all over the place. What a win-win situation! The Bulldogs will have a great time celebrating their bowl season in Baton Rouge, its such a wonderful city full of cosmopolitan people and great sites to see. However, since they come from Starkville, its really hard leave such a beautiful place.
Bulldogs 3
Tiger 49
ML
Croom death watch? 3
CoonAss Cajuns 35
CB
MSU 4
LSU 34
Alabama at Georgia (-7), 7:45
ML
Game of the week in the SEC!!! Black out in Athens!!!! Satan v. the Prick!!!! I heard a coach for the Tide said that Georgia fans are going to a funeral, so the black is apropos. I love the confidence, although I’m not sure Bama can pull this off, although I’d love to see it. The Tide has looked pretty strong through the first month of football, and, other than Knowshon, the Dawgs offense looks pretty pedestrian. Seven points is WAAAAY too much to lay, I say the Dawgs win, but not by much.
Crimson Faggots 13
Athens Assholes 17
CB
BAMA 23
JAWGA 21
EGM
Tide 10
Dawgs 13
Vanderbilt – OFF
ML
Holy shit!!! They really are Vandyfeated. The question is, do their students even care? The Dores have a week off to prepare for the Plainsmen, who will be coming off two consecutive tough battles. Can you say 5 and 0????
Purdue at Notre Dame (-1.5), 12:30
ML
Notre Dame cannot run the ball, as they are 112th in the nation on the ground. Painter and Jimmy Clowson, whose hair is so ridiculous he looks like he should be a right wing for the Portuguese futbol team. Seriously, he looks like he had the same hairdresser as Tom Hanks in the Davinci Code. Anyway, Notre Dame being unable to run the ball may be a sign that the Opus Dei has taken control of the church. Anyway, in honor of my Dad I’ll pick the Irish, behind some big plays from Golden Tate (great name by the way).
SeaBass’ drink of choice 20
Passing Irish 24
CB
Purdon’t 20
ND 22
EGM
Boilermakers 13
Irish 10
If only I wagered exclusively on Gators games, I’d be at 100%. I had no worries going into the UT game, and from the opening kickoff, no worries turned into absolutely no worries. It was tremendous seeing phat phil stomp around like an oversized angry toddler. It was even better watching a sea of puke orange evacuate Neyland like a hurricane was coming. The Auburn/LSU game was entertaining as always, although much more high-scoring than I envisioned. I believe Bowden and F$U should write DC and try to get one of these bailouts the Fed seems to be handing out like candy.
Cuzzin’ Bailey
Big time win last week! The Vuls fans were outtie 5000 circa the end of the 3rd quarter, and let me tell you, HD makes your fan base’s allegiance look that much classier! On a side note that doesn’t involve college football (the horror), the Rays will hopefully have clinched the AL East by the time you read this! Anyways, great weekend of sports last week with the Rays getting in the playoffs, the USA defeating the scumbag Euro-trash in the Ryder Cup and the Bucs playing a little pitch and catch to defeat da’ Bearsss up in Chi-cah-go. Anyways, FSU lost, and I’m ready to hand them the “throwing in the towel” towel for this season. No offense for the Wake Skanks, but FSU could have and UF would have scored like 30 on the Deacs last weekend. That game was sloppy. Well this weekend the Mighty Gators are back at home for a little southern cooking. The Ole Miss Rebs with their new coach come to the Swamp to see just how good (or shitty) Jevan Snead really is…
El Gran Mono
Last week I was called out for various predictions that were deemed to be too harsh and overly critical by a few of the readers. As a disciple of change with hope for a better future I will scrap the tired moniker of the last six years and become…Mr. Positive.
Ole Miss at Florida (-23), 12:30
CB
I’ve been reading Gatorsports all week long and they have been trying to scare me into thinking that just cause the Rebels have Snead and Nutt they should be considered legitimate. Let me tell you, Ole Miss is like the Clemson of the SEC. It seems like folks always want them to BE good, after all they gave us Archie and Eli, and yet it never seems to pan out. Albeit, considering we have dropped 2 of the last 3 to the Rebels, they have a little room to talk, but that was under shitforbrains Ron Zook. And I still to THIS DAY believe that the ineligible receiver down field call at the end of the 02 game was total horseshit. Oh man I just realized that game was on my birthday, well fucking happy birthday to me huh? Anyways, I believe that Snead is probably special and that the Malt Licker would juggle Houston’s Nutts if offered, but I’m liking Urban ball version 2008, (a little special teams here, a lotta defense there, and some outstanding offensive talent). I’m sure at some point it will be close, but the boys from Old Florida will have this in the bag by halftime (with a few picks) and the media’s gonna tell me how boring it is to win without crazy highlights. I’ll take the wins, and since I’ll be there this weekend it will be extra sweet. GO GATORS!
MISS that pass 13
GATORS! 37
ML
Tuna's Favorite 10
Gators 34
EGM
Rebs 10
Gators 31
Tennessee at Auburn (-6), 3:30
EGM
Both of these schools love football. Even though they both lost last week, they are really excited to play this week. Competition is tons of fun. Tennessee will be bringing a very spry young puppy named Smokey to be their good luck charm. Auburn likes their team so much they have three different good luck names. They also have a quaint town with lots of tea shops and places with good cookies. I LOVE COOKIES!!
Auburn’s QB is an excellent young man who loves to throw the football. Even though he doesn’t throw well all the time, he still loves to play so much that he can’t stop throwing. Tennessee’s QB is full of spunk and self confidence. He’ll be a great real estate guy someday like Heath Shuler (maybe even a Congressman). Its so hard to pick winners and losers when you are having this much fun. I have a feeling the Auburn running back will have a super day though because the Volunteer lineman will be having fun with Auburn’s lineman. Can I play too!
Vols 17
Tigers 21
ML
Orange Evacuees 14
Plainzzzmen 19
CB
Next Stop on the Bandwagon, 17
AUBURN, AL 22
Arkansas at Texas (-27), 3:30
CB
This game got postponed due to Tropical Storm so and so…man, I wish I had picked this game two weeks ago. This was boner move. At least a few weeks back I would have been a bit more delusional to how much Psuedo-Kansas sucks! Just how much they blow would have been very, very useful information last week when I (embarrassed shrug) picked them to cover the line last weekend hosting Bama. To all you Tide fans out there, I apologize. That was really stupid. Anyways, it looks like Colt McCoy, (badass name btw) is having a pretty baller year right now, averaging 60 on the ground and passing pretty well and it looks like Bobby Petrino has no idea how to coach defense anymore so I’m going with Tejas big, 27 big? Maybe
Ark 10
Tex 35
ML
Fried Pork 13
Bevo Burger 44
EGM
Hawgs 13
Tejas 42
Western Kentucky at Kentucky (-22), 7
CB
A rivalry unlike any other! The Battle of the Bluegrass State! The Mighty Hilltoppers of Bowling Green …alright that’s enough. The odds are yall didn’t have Keith Jackson’s voice in your head when you were reading it like I did so that’s going nowhere. WKU has some tradition I suppose, in the NCAA tourney they are one of the 12 seeds I traditionally pick to upset a 5! The campus, “located atop one of the highest points in Southcentral Kentucky”…did you get that, not THE highest point in S.Central Ky, but ONE OF THE. That is impressive. Kensucky is coming off a strong bye week. I presume they won. Anyways, judging by this spread I’m guessing the Hilltoppers suck at football and I’m just gonna roll with that assumption. Go ‘Cats.
A Moderately High Point in Kentucky 12
The Klass of the Kentucky Kommunity (whoa, that was unintentional) 34
ML
Pillpoppers 10
Whiskas 35
EGM
Hilltoppers 10
Wildcats 28
UAB at South Carolina (-24.5), 7
EGM
UAB will love Columbia. It’s a great town with a heart of gold. If they are staying at the Holidome, then I highly recommend a couple games of putt-putt followed by a few cold drinks in the hot tub. You can even swim from the indoor pool to the outdoor pool. What a great time!
The Gamecocks haven’t had a great time playing against the other schools this year. But they are really excited to have the chance to play against the Blazers. What a fun mascot they have! UAB has so much fun playing they really don’t care about the score. Its also doubly hard for them to play on the road, they miss Birmingham so much its hard not to think about it during the game. Steve Spurrier is a very fun coach and I’m guessing he’ll have a lot of fun playing in this game.
Blazers 7
Gamecocks 38
ML
Blazin’ 10
12.5 points would be too much 21
CB
UAB 17
USC 40
Mississippi State at Louisiana State (-24), 7:30
EGM
Miss State is just living the dream this year. Its like they are touring around celebrating last season’s successes every game. They must be having a lot of fun. They played against Georgia Tech last week and had a bunch of offensive yards but decided to give the ball to Georgia Tech a few times just to be nice. They really liked watching the Wing T offense in action. Who doesn’t right? It was really disappointing that we missed that game while drinking beers at Calhoun’s. Luckily, in two years we will have a boat just like those fun Tennessee fans. I’m sure they will welcome us with open arms!
LSU had a great win against another team called the Tigers. That must have been confusing. LOL! I’m sure it wasn’t a big deal because they were having such great time playing on such a beautiful night. In fact, it was such a beautiful night that one of LSU’s QBs took the entire second half off to look at the stars. His best friend decided to play QB the rest of the game and have a great time by throwing the ball all over the place. What a win-win situation! The Bulldogs will have a great time celebrating their bowl season in Baton Rouge, its such a wonderful city full of cosmopolitan people and great sites to see. However, since they come from Starkville, its really hard leave such a beautiful place.
Bulldogs 3
Tiger 49
ML
Croom death watch? 3
CoonAss Cajuns 35
CB
MSU 4
LSU 34
Alabama at Georgia (-7), 7:45
ML
Game of the week in the SEC!!! Black out in Athens!!!! Satan v. the Prick!!!! I heard a coach for the Tide said that Georgia fans are going to a funeral, so the black is apropos. I love the confidence, although I’m not sure Bama can pull this off, although I’d love to see it. The Tide has looked pretty strong through the first month of football, and, other than Knowshon, the Dawgs offense looks pretty pedestrian. Seven points is WAAAAY too much to lay, I say the Dawgs win, but not by much.
Crimson Faggots 13
Athens Assholes 17
CB
BAMA 23
JAWGA 21
EGM
Tide 10
Dawgs 13
Vanderbilt – OFF
ML
Holy shit!!! They really are Vandyfeated. The question is, do their students even care? The Dores have a week off to prepare for the Plainsmen, who will be coming off two consecutive tough battles. Can you say 5 and 0????
Purdue at Notre Dame (-1.5), 12:30
ML
Notre Dame cannot run the ball, as they are 112th in the nation on the ground. Painter and Jimmy Clowson, whose hair is so ridiculous he looks like he should be a right wing for the Portuguese futbol team. Seriously, he looks like he had the same hairdresser as Tom Hanks in the Davinci Code. Anyway, Notre Dame being unable to run the ball may be a sign that the Opus Dei has taken control of the church. Anyway, in honor of my Dad I’ll pick the Irish, behind some big plays from Golden Tate (great name by the way).
SeaBass’ drink of choice 20
Passing Irish 24
CB
Purdon’t 20
ND 22
EGM
Boilermakers 13
Irish 10
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Bourbon Boys Pick The SEC Week IV
El Gran Mono
Ohio State sucks. Is that huge news? Last year, LSU had a very average offense and they steamrolled Ohio State’s defense. The year before, UF had a very average offense and they steamrolled Ohio State’s defense. When are people going to realize that the Big Ten is terrible and that’s why Ohio State sucks every year? Gary Danielson summed it up today on the best radio show going, The Herd. He said, how do we not have a playoff, because everyone wants to see USC play whomever makes it out of the SEC. And Big Gary (sorry, about the bad memories CB) is completely right, the winner of the SEC deserves to play for the title even with TWO losses! Am I preaching to the choir here? No doubt, but at the same time it is logistically true. Its not just hope and more hope, it’s a fucking fact.
This week we welcome “Ben Hill Bootlegger.” What can I say about this guy? A typical day for him: drinking to excess, talking a lot of shit, “hanging out” at notorious homosexual public sex venues, and finishing things off with a Baconater. One of my best friends! Welcome, welcome…
I will personally be enjoying this weekend in beautiful Knoxvegas at my cousin’s spacious lair, drinking copious amounts of libations and enjoying glorious camaraderie. It really doesn’t get any better. Let’s get to the football, SON!
Malt Licker
Whoaaaaaa Diggity!!!! It’s the first full slate of SEC Games this year. With the exception of something called Wofford, all the games are pretty good. Monkey boy is heading to Knoxville, where he will drink himself silly at O’Charley’s. Two key matchups, one in the East and one in the West, should bring some clarity to the SEC race. I need my own plane so I could fly into the Smokeys and join the Monkey on Cumberland Avenue.
Cuzzin’ Bailey
Last week’s bye week was boring as hell. I mean I had fun, but the games were absolutely miserable. SC/OSU was a yawn fest, UGA looked about as vulnerable as possible and Auburn Miss State was quite literally ALL ABOUT DEFENSE. Former guest Bourbon Boy, The Mud Hen, was actually in attendance in Stark-Vegas last week and apparently received glares from Bulldog fans when he stood up and pleaded to the MSU sidelines to kick a long field goal on 4th and long. Apparently at Mississippi State, they are ALL about offense and get angry when they have to settle for field goals. Well, last week they “settled” for ONE safety and lost. Freaking idiots. Speaking of former guest Bourbon Boys, the Dinner Cruise Gambler had a story he asked me to pass along. Its rather long so I’ll just get to the point. A stock Meee-ami fan was acting a fool at the UM/UF game a few weeks ago, when out of the sky came a Lemonade bomb. Long story short, Senor Cane took cover for the rest of the game in an undisclosed location. Don’t mess with our students, he was lucky it was actually lemonade!
Ben Hill Bootlegger
Let me started by thanking EGM, CB, and ML for the opportunity to write with them. Now, I want you to understand that I respect the many years of service and the difficulty of the job that these men have endured to entertain all of us in this blog. However, I feel that so far this year all of us have been cheated. How are we ‘the people’ suppose to determine what we think will happen in these games with only one person doing the commentating for every game - come on! Because the two lawyas and their little lawya in training have continued on this grievous course, I am stepping forward to help ‘the people’. I care about you, and if they want to continue on this path, it is time for a change. A vote for BHB is a vote for CHANGE. What they fuck just happened - I blacked out. As an additional treat this week, I will be going old school and picking the over/under in each game.
Alabama at Arkansas (+9.5), 3:30
ML
I guess this could be dubbed the Back-Stabbing Liars Bowl. The Traitor Tussle. Betrayers R ‘Us. Squinty-eyed Petrino is in the midst of rebuilding, while the Tide delusionists think “they’re back.” Surprisingly this series is relatively close, as ‘Bama has a narrow 10-8 edge. I am not too impressed with either team. I think the Hawgs home field will do nothing to help them out, and the Tide will Rollllllllll to victory
Judas 26
Benedict Arnold 9
BHB
Welcome to Fayetteville, Arkansas where the only thing worth noting is that John “Double Down” Daly went to college here. Nick Satan brings his all-time 4-2 record against the Razorbacks into Fayetteville for the first time as the Lord Almighty of Tuscaloosa. He brings with him his three-name QB and a pretty good group of WRs. The Razorbacks may have lost their Houston NUTTs, but don't worry, they still have their Casey DICK. For this game, Bobby Petrino might drive up to Leavenworth Federal Prison and pickup a new recruit that he has coached before, but the Razorbacks will not lay down for this one. The Tide won this game last year with :08 to go. This one will be closer than the experts say. Take the over at 46.5.
Rednecks who fuck their sister while she wears a Bear Bryant hat 27
Rednecks who fuck their sister 21
EGM
Bama 28
Hawgs 7
CB
Bama 23
Hogs 14
LSU at Auburn (+2.5). 3:30
CB
This is always a great rivalry game. One that sticks out in my mind is the 1994 affair. I remember it so clearly cause Auburn was on their 10+ game winning streak and was on probation by the NCAA. LSU took a 14 point lead into the 4th quarter when the Bengal Tiger QB tossed like 5 picks in ONE QUARTER, 3 of which were returned for touchdowns. The Jefferson Pilot (aka Raycom) shitbox camera work couldn’t take away from the excitement that day. Of course while I generally wish the host stadium would implode during this game, this game generally provides some serious craziness. Anyways, I guess its time for my yearly joke about this game, “I believe the Tigers will win this one”…terrible.
LSU 20
Other Tigers 13
BHB
You might as well call this one the SEC West title game, because the winner of this game has also won the West 6 out of the last 8 years. This game, being in Jordan-Hare Stadium, does not sit well for the real Tigers of Louisiana. This game is going to be won on the ground. Going in, both teams are ranked in the top 25 for rushing yards. Auburn struggled last week against the Croomster in the biggest offensive shoot out since the gun fight scene at the end of HEAT (That was for you CB). The Plaintigerwareagles and the Croomster's Dawgs racked up a massive 5 total points last week. They might be without the starting RB Brad Lester, who nearly Prothroed his neck last week. My only hope in this game, is that Auburn's Kicker, Wes Byrum gets killed by Mike the Tiger, who mistakenly is let out of his cage. Camera pans to a shocked Tommy Tuberville and then pans to Les Miles as he raises his right hand and waves it back and forth several times across his face. Fade out. END SCENE. Go under at 37.5.
Whooo dodged Ike 14
Someone in the East, please beat the Gators 17
EGM
Tigers 7
Plainsmen 6
ML
Drunk Tigers 2
Preppy-hick Tigers 3
Florida at Tennessee (+7), 8
ML
I’m so confident about this game, it makes me nervous. From what I’ve seen out of Crompton and the rest of the Vols, I feel like unless we pull a ’98 and turn the ball over a bunch, we should cruise. The Vols strength on offense is their running game, and our defensive front looks pretty tough. Percy will get loose, thrust himself into the Heisman picture, and lead the Gators to a big victory.
GATORS!!! 33
Fulmer death watch? 10
BHB
SEC football is here. Look for this one to get ugly, and get ugly quick. Look for the Vols to pick their poison and the Gators to exploit it. The Vols secondary appeared shakey against a weak UCLA, allowing 259 passing yards. Look for Tebow to punish Fat Phil's Team with a barrage of smash mouth running and deep bombs to Louis and Percy. Phil already has his comforting Sunday loser's brunch ordered at Calhoun's on the River. Tennessee has not been able to run the ball for the last two years, averaging just 13 yds on the ground, and they won't improve this year with their steady diet of Sprint Draws. Smokey will need a massive order of shit and grass to help deal with his upset stomach after this game. Sorry Auburn, this train is a rolling. Toughest line of the week, take the over at 51.5.
Florida 38
On the edge of a Rocky Top season (step back from the ledge sir) 21
EGM
Tebow 31
Crapton 17
CB
GATORS 27
VULS 13
Georgia at Arizona State (+6.5), 8
EGM
Georgia is #1! Wait, no they aren’t. Has anyone ever looked at Stafford’s completion percentage? Or even the fact that UGA’s defense isn’t that good? I think after they lose their second game, people will start to ask questions like that. However, do I think Arizona State has what it takes to win or possibly even cover? Absolutely not, Dennis Erickson may beat up on the West Coast with his band on JUCO’s but he hasn’t seen the likes of NotShawn Moreno. Richt won’t even need premeditated enthusiasm for this one.
4 year school 35
JC 17
ML
Prick’s Dawgs 25
Sun Devils 15
CB
UGA 25
Zona St 10
BHB
Over Celebrating Assholes 21
PAC 10 Pyros 17
Vanderbilt at Ole Miss (-5.5), 12:30
CB
This is actually going to be a pretty good game, and not for the typical reason (that being that they both suck). No, this time its gonna be a good one cause these teams are actually decent. Well, the scale of “decentness” is rather subjective. Vandy is decent cause they aren’t the fucking worst team ever this time around, and Ole Miss is decent b/c they are actually on an upward swing, contending against good programs and such. Its actually making me nervous about the Gators playing the Rebs next week. Well maybe just a bit. In this game I’m really liking Ole Miss. I understand that Vandy doesn’t blow per usual but I am really impressed with Snead’s pocket presence and elusiveness.
Vandie 17
Ole Miss 27
EGM
Dores 17
Jevan Snead 24
ML
Vandyfeated 23
Rebz 21
BHB
Get out your calculators - 35
Put away that beer and get out your tall wallets - 27
Mississippi State at Georgia Tech (-7.5), 1
EGM
This game will likely resemble something from about 1940. A team running the wing T and a team that…well, they don’t score. Ga Tech really shouldn’t be favored over anyone by seven plus with their disgusting offense. They were beaten by lowly Va Tech last week in the ACC battle of engineers. I’m going to go directly against my weekend host and say uber-awesome head man, Sly Croom somehow pulls this out or at least covers. Watch this game after only after 12 beers, if you are hanging with BHB, he’ll already have 18 under his belt and working on his second nap.
Miss St 10
Jackets 9
ML
Miss St 13
Tech 19
CB
Miss St 7
GT 13
BHB
Dawgs version 2.0 - 10
Shooter McGavain's Coats - 17
Wofford at South Carolina (NL)
ML
Do these teams play every year? It sure seems like it. The Terriers are a lovely little lib arts college in Spartanburg, and the Cocks are a disappointing state school in a town that loves to drink. Maybe Spurrier should start the drunk kid from Tampa and stop messing around with Smelley. I know the Cocks are going to score one upset this year, I just hope they get it out of their system before we play them in November. Oh yea, Mike Davis sucks.
Rat Dogs 13
Limp Cocks 40
EGM
Quintessential Liberal Arts Education 7
Getting Me a Job Education 31
CB
Wofford? 12
USC 143
BHB
Waiting to see the new Chihuahua movie - 14
Trying to get to .500 - 24
OPEN: Kentucky
CB
Man, how happy am I that I landed on Kentucky during their bye week? UK football, Catch it! I am embarrassed to say this but I have absolutely no idea what the Cats are up to right now. Let me look it up on the internet. (time elapsed). We’re back…Oh here was my problem, UK has played 3 games, two of which were against Norfolk St, and MTSU. Next week’s challenge is the Western Kentucky Hilltoppers, and that is it for cupcakes. An ALL SEC schedule after that with one more bye week at the end of the season. HAHA! Maybe I’ll select this team for that bye week as well as a little “State of the Union” recap. Right now the future looks grim for the Blue and White and I can’t see them taking more than 3 from their conference foes.
Wake Forest at Florida State (-4), 7
EGM
This is a tough game to pick. Wake lacks talent and has great coaching. Florida State is the exact opposite. If the Nole$ get rolling, then Wake is done for. They just don’t have the horses other than super accurate Riley Skinner. I think I’ll use this game to predict my blockbuster ACC finale. F$U vs. Miami. That’s right, craptacular ACC, you waited too long, they are back. Maybe not great, but getting back to where they should be. Clemson, fire Tommy B and you might have a shot. My guess, Tommy B gets a lifetime extension after a Peach Bowl loss. The ACC sucks.
Deacs 14
Noles$ 20
ML
Weak Wake 13
Unconquered and un-sold out 24
CB
Wake Skanks (no respect btw) 29
Regular Skanks 27
BHB
Boil me up some points 24
Is are coach dead yet 14
If you would like to be a Guest Bourbon Boy, then shoot us a line at bourbonboyspick@yahoo.com.
Ohio State sucks. Is that huge news? Last year, LSU had a very average offense and they steamrolled Ohio State’s defense. The year before, UF had a very average offense and they steamrolled Ohio State’s defense. When are people going to realize that the Big Ten is terrible and that’s why Ohio State sucks every year? Gary Danielson summed it up today on the best radio show going, The Herd. He said, how do we not have a playoff, because everyone wants to see USC play whomever makes it out of the SEC. And Big Gary (sorry, about the bad memories CB) is completely right, the winner of the SEC deserves to play for the title even with TWO losses! Am I preaching to the choir here? No doubt, but at the same time it is logistically true. Its not just hope and more hope, it’s a fucking fact.
This week we welcome “Ben Hill Bootlegger.” What can I say about this guy? A typical day for him: drinking to excess, talking a lot of shit, “hanging out” at notorious homosexual public sex venues, and finishing things off with a Baconater. One of my best friends! Welcome, welcome…
I will personally be enjoying this weekend in beautiful Knoxvegas at my cousin’s spacious lair, drinking copious amounts of libations and enjoying glorious camaraderie. It really doesn’t get any better. Let’s get to the football, SON!
Malt Licker
Whoaaaaaa Diggity!!!! It’s the first full slate of SEC Games this year. With the exception of something called Wofford, all the games are pretty good. Monkey boy is heading to Knoxville, where he will drink himself silly at O’Charley’s. Two key matchups, one in the East and one in the West, should bring some clarity to the SEC race. I need my own plane so I could fly into the Smokeys and join the Monkey on Cumberland Avenue.
Cuzzin’ Bailey
Last week’s bye week was boring as hell. I mean I had fun, but the games were absolutely miserable. SC/OSU was a yawn fest, UGA looked about as vulnerable as possible and Auburn Miss State was quite literally ALL ABOUT DEFENSE. Former guest Bourbon Boy, The Mud Hen, was actually in attendance in Stark-Vegas last week and apparently received glares from Bulldog fans when he stood up and pleaded to the MSU sidelines to kick a long field goal on 4th and long. Apparently at Mississippi State, they are ALL about offense and get angry when they have to settle for field goals. Well, last week they “settled” for ONE safety and lost. Freaking idiots. Speaking of former guest Bourbon Boys, the Dinner Cruise Gambler had a story he asked me to pass along. Its rather long so I’ll just get to the point. A stock Meee-ami fan was acting a fool at the UM/UF game a few weeks ago, when out of the sky came a Lemonade bomb. Long story short, Senor Cane took cover for the rest of the game in an undisclosed location. Don’t mess with our students, he was lucky it was actually lemonade!
Ben Hill Bootlegger
Let me started by thanking EGM, CB, and ML for the opportunity to write with them. Now, I want you to understand that I respect the many years of service and the difficulty of the job that these men have endured to entertain all of us in this blog. However, I feel that so far this year all of us have been cheated. How are we ‘the people’ suppose to determine what we think will happen in these games with only one person doing the commentating for every game - come on! Because the two lawyas and their little lawya in training have continued on this grievous course, I am stepping forward to help ‘the people’. I care about you, and if they want to continue on this path, it is time for a change. A vote for BHB is a vote for CHANGE. What they fuck just happened - I blacked out. As an additional treat this week, I will be going old school and picking the over/under in each game.
Alabama at Arkansas (+9.5), 3:30
ML
I guess this could be dubbed the Back-Stabbing Liars Bowl. The Traitor Tussle. Betrayers R ‘Us. Squinty-eyed Petrino is in the midst of rebuilding, while the Tide delusionists think “they’re back.” Surprisingly this series is relatively close, as ‘Bama has a narrow 10-8 edge. I am not too impressed with either team. I think the Hawgs home field will do nothing to help them out, and the Tide will Rollllllllll to victory
Judas 26
Benedict Arnold 9
BHB
Welcome to Fayetteville, Arkansas where the only thing worth noting is that John “Double Down” Daly went to college here. Nick Satan brings his all-time 4-2 record against the Razorbacks into Fayetteville for the first time as the Lord Almighty of Tuscaloosa. He brings with him his three-name QB and a pretty good group of WRs. The Razorbacks may have lost their Houston NUTTs, but don't worry, they still have their Casey DICK. For this game, Bobby Petrino might drive up to Leavenworth Federal Prison and pickup a new recruit that he has coached before, but the Razorbacks will not lay down for this one. The Tide won this game last year with :08 to go. This one will be closer than the experts say. Take the over at 46.5.
Rednecks who fuck their sister while she wears a Bear Bryant hat 27
Rednecks who fuck their sister 21
EGM
Bama 28
Hawgs 7
CB
Bama 23
Hogs 14
LSU at Auburn (+2.5). 3:30
CB
This is always a great rivalry game. One that sticks out in my mind is the 1994 affair. I remember it so clearly cause Auburn was on their 10+ game winning streak and was on probation by the NCAA. LSU took a 14 point lead into the 4th quarter when the Bengal Tiger QB tossed like 5 picks in ONE QUARTER, 3 of which were returned for touchdowns. The Jefferson Pilot (aka Raycom) shitbox camera work couldn’t take away from the excitement that day. Of course while I generally wish the host stadium would implode during this game, this game generally provides some serious craziness. Anyways, I guess its time for my yearly joke about this game, “I believe the Tigers will win this one”…terrible.
LSU 20
Other Tigers 13
BHB
You might as well call this one the SEC West title game, because the winner of this game has also won the West 6 out of the last 8 years. This game, being in Jordan-Hare Stadium, does not sit well for the real Tigers of Louisiana. This game is going to be won on the ground. Going in, both teams are ranked in the top 25 for rushing yards. Auburn struggled last week against the Croomster in the biggest offensive shoot out since the gun fight scene at the end of HEAT (That was for you CB). The Plaintigerwareagles and the Croomster's Dawgs racked up a massive 5 total points last week. They might be without the starting RB Brad Lester, who nearly Prothroed his neck last week. My only hope in this game, is that Auburn's Kicker, Wes Byrum gets killed by Mike the Tiger, who mistakenly is let out of his cage. Camera pans to a shocked Tommy Tuberville and then pans to Les Miles as he raises his right hand and waves it back and forth several times across his face. Fade out. END SCENE. Go under at 37.5.
Whooo dodged Ike 14
Someone in the East, please beat the Gators 17
EGM
Tigers 7
Plainsmen 6
ML
Drunk Tigers 2
Preppy-hick Tigers 3
Florida at Tennessee (+7), 8
ML
I’m so confident about this game, it makes me nervous. From what I’ve seen out of Crompton and the rest of the Vols, I feel like unless we pull a ’98 and turn the ball over a bunch, we should cruise. The Vols strength on offense is their running game, and our defensive front looks pretty tough. Percy will get loose, thrust himself into the Heisman picture, and lead the Gators to a big victory.
GATORS!!! 33
Fulmer death watch? 10
BHB
SEC football is here. Look for this one to get ugly, and get ugly quick. Look for the Vols to pick their poison and the Gators to exploit it. The Vols secondary appeared shakey against a weak UCLA, allowing 259 passing yards. Look for Tebow to punish Fat Phil's Team with a barrage of smash mouth running and deep bombs to Louis and Percy. Phil already has his comforting Sunday loser's brunch ordered at Calhoun's on the River. Tennessee has not been able to run the ball for the last two years, averaging just 13 yds on the ground, and they won't improve this year with their steady diet of Sprint Draws. Smokey will need a massive order of shit and grass to help deal with his upset stomach after this game. Sorry Auburn, this train is a rolling. Toughest line of the week, take the over at 51.5.
Florida 38
On the edge of a Rocky Top season (step back from the ledge sir) 21
EGM
Tebow 31
Crapton 17
CB
GATORS 27
VULS 13
Georgia at Arizona State (+6.5), 8
EGM
Georgia is #1! Wait, no they aren’t. Has anyone ever looked at Stafford’s completion percentage? Or even the fact that UGA’s defense isn’t that good? I think after they lose their second game, people will start to ask questions like that. However, do I think Arizona State has what it takes to win or possibly even cover? Absolutely not, Dennis Erickson may beat up on the West Coast with his band on JUCO’s but he hasn’t seen the likes of NotShawn Moreno. Richt won’t even need premeditated enthusiasm for this one.
4 year school 35
JC 17
ML
Prick’s Dawgs 25
Sun Devils 15
CB
UGA 25
Zona St 10
BHB
Over Celebrating Assholes 21
PAC 10 Pyros 17
Vanderbilt at Ole Miss (-5.5), 12:30
CB
This is actually going to be a pretty good game, and not for the typical reason (that being that they both suck). No, this time its gonna be a good one cause these teams are actually decent. Well, the scale of “decentness” is rather subjective. Vandy is decent cause they aren’t the fucking worst team ever this time around, and Ole Miss is decent b/c they are actually on an upward swing, contending against good programs and such. Its actually making me nervous about the Gators playing the Rebs next week. Well maybe just a bit. In this game I’m really liking Ole Miss. I understand that Vandy doesn’t blow per usual but I am really impressed with Snead’s pocket presence and elusiveness.
Vandie 17
Ole Miss 27
EGM
Dores 17
Jevan Snead 24
ML
Vandyfeated 23
Rebz 21
BHB
Get out your calculators - 35
Put away that beer and get out your tall wallets - 27
Mississippi State at Georgia Tech (-7.5), 1
EGM
This game will likely resemble something from about 1940. A team running the wing T and a team that…well, they don’t score. Ga Tech really shouldn’t be favored over anyone by seven plus with their disgusting offense. They were beaten by lowly Va Tech last week in the ACC battle of engineers. I’m going to go directly against my weekend host and say uber-awesome head man, Sly Croom somehow pulls this out or at least covers. Watch this game after only after 12 beers, if you are hanging with BHB, he’ll already have 18 under his belt and working on his second nap.
Miss St 10
Jackets 9
ML
Miss St 13
Tech 19
CB
Miss St 7
GT 13
BHB
Dawgs version 2.0 - 10
Shooter McGavain's Coats - 17
Wofford at South Carolina (NL)
ML
Do these teams play every year? It sure seems like it. The Terriers are a lovely little lib arts college in Spartanburg, and the Cocks are a disappointing state school in a town that loves to drink. Maybe Spurrier should start the drunk kid from Tampa and stop messing around with Smelley. I know the Cocks are going to score one upset this year, I just hope they get it out of their system before we play them in November. Oh yea, Mike Davis sucks.
Rat Dogs 13
Limp Cocks 40
EGM
Quintessential Liberal Arts Education 7
Getting Me a Job Education 31
CB
Wofford? 12
USC 143
BHB
Waiting to see the new Chihuahua movie - 14
Trying to get to .500 - 24
OPEN: Kentucky
CB
Man, how happy am I that I landed on Kentucky during their bye week? UK football, Catch it! I am embarrassed to say this but I have absolutely no idea what the Cats are up to right now. Let me look it up on the internet. (time elapsed). We’re back…Oh here was my problem, UK has played 3 games, two of which were against Norfolk St, and MTSU. Next week’s challenge is the Western Kentucky Hilltoppers, and that is it for cupcakes. An ALL SEC schedule after that with one more bye week at the end of the season. HAHA! Maybe I’ll select this team for that bye week as well as a little “State of the Union” recap. Right now the future looks grim for the Blue and White and I can’t see them taking more than 3 from their conference foes.
Wake Forest at Florida State (-4), 7
EGM
This is a tough game to pick. Wake lacks talent and has great coaching. Florida State is the exact opposite. If the Nole$ get rolling, then Wake is done for. They just don’t have the horses other than super accurate Riley Skinner. I think I’ll use this game to predict my blockbuster ACC finale. F$U vs. Miami. That’s right, craptacular ACC, you waited too long, they are back. Maybe not great, but getting back to where they should be. Clemson, fire Tommy B and you might have a shot. My guess, Tommy B gets a lifetime extension after a Peach Bowl loss. The ACC sucks.
Deacs 14
Noles$ 20
ML
Weak Wake 13
Unconquered and un-sold out 24
CB
Wake Skanks (no respect btw) 29
Regular Skanks 27
BHB
Boil me up some points 24
Is are coach dead yet 14
If you would like to be a Guest Bourbon Boy, then shoot us a line at bourbonboyspick@yahoo.com.
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